“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal, and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”

—AUDRE LORDE, POET AND AUTHOR

MS. LORDE’S PERSPECTIVE CONVEYS THE motivation

behind the decision to take my place among the throngs of women and girls, both in and out of foster care, who are survivors of sexual violence. The kindred spirits I’m lining up with know how it feels to lug shame and pain around like a carry-on bag, as if we are frequent flyers going somewhere. But our elevation and ascension to greatness will never occur if we remain grounded by memories no one wants to talk about, much less acknowledge.

But Tarana Burke, a diamond in the rough, cut through the silence to give sexual abuse survivors like me a voice when no one wanted to listen to our stories, let alone give us the mic. In 2006, Ms. Burke, an advocate for women in New York who experienced rape at seven years old, coined the hash tag and the movement #MeToo to empower women who had endured sexual violence by letting them know they were not alone—that other women had suffered the same experience.

The response was especially meaningful for people who work with survivors of sexual assault and harassment. The grassroots effort Tarana Burke spearheaded expanded to reach a community of survivors from all walks of life. The silence surrounding sexual harassment and assault no longer exists, thanks to Ms. Burke. The notes for Chapter 1 include contact information for the MeToo Movement, which offers a free on- line series created for survivors, by survivors, to help them navigate cri- sis and trauma and begin to rebuild a sense of safety, joy, and purpose. The past I never spoke about or revealed to anyone, not even those closest to me, including my children, caught me off guard the day I discovered an exploratory study about girls ages four to seventeen living in foster care. The study revealed:

•      81 percent were sexually abused

•      68 percent were abused by more than one person

•      98 percent were subjected to multiple assaults

•      50 percent of the assaults lasted two years or more

•      36 percent involved non-penetrating genital contact, and

•      The average age for the onset of abuse was five years old.

The study identified a pattern of behavior I immediately recognized:

•      A violation of body space

•      Sexually aggressive remarks

•      Sexual touching without permission

•      Genital contact

•      Fondling

The more research I conducted, the more I realized I did not stand alone. There were hundreds, if not thousands, of girls like me who were pursuing healing and freedom from a sexually abusive past. This past restricts freedom of expression in every way, especially voice, choice, and how we show up.

Herman Law, the nation’s leading law firm for victims of sexual abuse, specializes in fighting for the rights of victims in foster care. The firm offered insight into the breadth of the problem by sharing a summary of investigations conducted by states, institutions, and universities on the occurrence of sexual abuse in foster care:

Johns Hopkins University conducted a study of a select group of foster care children in Maryland. This study showed that foster care children are four times more likely to experience childhood sexual abuse than their peers not in the foster care setting. The study also found that children in group homes are twenty-eight times more likely to be sexually abused.

Oregon and Washington State studies found that nearly one-third of foster children reported that a foster parent or another adult in the home abused them.

In New Jersey, researchers completed various investigations into foster care abuse, concluding that “no assurances can be given” that foster children are safe in the state. The New Jersey Office of Child Advocacy completed a report that found 36.5 percent of sexual abusers were foster parents. A study of multiple cases in metropolitan Atlanta found that 34 percent of foster children experienced abuse, neglect, or other harmful conditions.

In 2013, a series of FBI raids across the United States that recovered child sex-trafficking victims found that more than half of the children were from foster care or group homes.

My eyes bulged when I discovered a news story about a woman previously cared for by the child welfare agency that failed me and two other chilling accounts of sexual abuse.

•      July 2021—A woman sued the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services, alleging she was sexually abused as a child by her foster father and two foster brothers. Impregnated by a brother at thirteen, she alleged her caseworker arranged for an abortion, and returned her to the home where the abuse continued for two years.

•      May 2021—A nine year-old girl was allegedly molested and raped by her foster father for years, impregnating her at the age of fourteen. The DNA evidence proved the father raped and impregnated the girl. After giving birth, she remained with the family as the abuse continued until departing at seventeen.

•      June 2016—A foster father admitted to regularly supplying his daughter with cannabis and conceiving two children with her at ages sixteen and eighteen.

After reading these stories I experienced another kind of Me Too moment, #WTF. This is the reality I uncovered when I set out to make sense of my experience.

I received practical advice as I traveled back in time to hook up with my younger self while reading a book by Haemin Sunim, The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down. In looking back, I set out to uncover the blind spots that caused me to veer away from myself and neglect self-care practices to protect and serve my true and authentic self. In the words of Angeles Arrien, “Wisdom is the reward for honest self-confrontation, and it is the quality that often emanates when you begin to uncover your true face.”