Chapter 1: Spending Quality Time With Family

My family is my life, and everything else comes second as far as what’s important to me. –Michael Imperioli

Spending quality time with your family is crucial for both kids and adults, but did you know that there’s a difference between spending time together and spending quality time? Anyone can spend time in each other’s company without being mentally and emotionally present or getting any real value from it. Quality time is the opposite. You’re spending time together, investing in your relationships, paying attention to each other, and maximizing the benefits you get from being together. Think about this for a moment. How often does your family spend time in the same space while everyone is doing their own thing? Maybe you’re glued to the TV or on a mobile device. What’s happening is you’re just in the same space—you’re not actively focusing on how the time is spent.

Everyone benefits from spending quality time together, but what’s in it specifically for the kids?

It improves mental health. Quality time builds stronger bonds between family members. You strengthen trust and encourage open communication. It also just makes you feel good or, if you’ve been feeling blue, makes you feel better. People are social creatures—we thrive on being with others. Stronger family bonds can also improve your mood and reduce stress levels. All of this helps you deal with life’s challenges and improve your mental health. Take a moment to talk about why you think spending time with your family is important. Take turns telling each other what you get out of it and how it benefits you.

It lowers the risk of developing behavioral problems. Stronger trust and deeper communication make you feel you can open up and talk about your emotions and challenges you’re facing. When you’re going through tough times, that connectedness gives you the feeling of being supported. You’re less likely to act out in unhealthy ways to express or deal with your feelings. Take turns telling each other how spending time together makes you feel. What emotions do you experience? How does your body react while you’re having those emotions? How do you behave when you feel those emotions? Now, go in the other direction and discuss how you feel when you don’t get that attention from your family. What emotions do you feel? How do you act when you want attention but you’re not getting it?

It increases confidence. A fantastic way to spend quality time together is through activities that allow parents to teach children skills. Learning to master new skills boosts confidence. When you learn a skill and can do it well, you feel good about yourself. Children are very observant and sensitive. They can tell when a parent is confident in them and proud of them. Open a discussion about skills and confidence. What skills have you learned from your parents? How do you feel when you learn a new talent or ability? How does it feel when your parents are confident in and proud of you? Mom and Dad, what can your child do that makes you feel confident in them?

It develops conflict resolution skills. Spending time together lets you learn how to trust each other and talk openly when you have a disagreement. You can handle conflict in a healthy way by talking about it instead of 5 acting out or fighting, and then by coming up with ways to solve problems. Let’s discuss conflict. Can you think of a time when you had a disagreement with your family and handled it without getting into a full-blown fight? What happened? How did you solve the problem? What do you think you learned from that situation? On the other hand, can you think of a time when you had a disagreement with your family that wasn’t handled well and ended in a big argument? What happened? How did you behave in reaction to that conflict? What do you think you can learn from that situation about handling conflict better in the future?

What’s the biggest way you can turn spending time together into real quality time? The answer may surprise you because it’s actually very simple! Make your time together screen-free. Put your phones and tablets away, close your laptops, and switch off the TV. Screened devices provide a never-ending stream of distractions from text messages to phone calls to emails. When you’re looking at a screen, you’re not paying attention to the people you’re with. When you get interrupted by phone calls and text messages, others may feel you don’t really care about how they feel. Finally, just having your phone in the same room can be a distraction. You’re constantly looking over to it, wondering what messages are coming in and whether you’re missing out on something. Being distracted can make others feel you don’t care and they’re not special enough to get your full attention.