SHARDS
August 20, 2009
THOMAS CALLED ME every single day at 6:00 p.m. sharp, but I never took the call because I didn’t care to listen to another of his empty apologies. I’d already broken up with him. We weren’t dating anymore. Aaron and Caleb threw him out of my apartment the last time I saw him. Couldn’t he take a hint?
My head still felt like it wanted to explode. I was furious about his behavior, the things he said, and most of all, for kissing me.
I know. I kissed him back.
But the familiarity of him, of his lips, mixed up with that stupidly relaxing pill ... It didn’t matter anymore. I was an idiot.
Caleb convinced me to meet up with Thomas. Yes, Caleb. He thought if I talked to Thomas one last time, he would back off. And he was right. Thomas needed real closure—for me to tell him it was over for good. I didn’t want things to end on such a sour note either.
Caleb’s encouragement on the matter was helpful and made me feel more at ease and prepared to handle the whole situation going on with Thomas. I wasn’t alone. Sometimes I kept forgetting that I had a solid support system behind me.
The flower arrangement Thomas sent me that week had to be moved from the living room’s coffee table to the foyer table because you couldn’t even watch TV or see the face of the person seated in front of you in the living room. It was that big.
Thomas’s portrait used to be the first thing you saw when you came into my apartment. I took it down. I knew he wouldn’t like it once he saw the empty wall, but I needed to be firm with him. And I honestly couldn’t stand to look at it anymore.
I needed one less thing to worry about.
Caleb and I had talked a little more about us during the week. I never knew I needed him that much until he mentioned the possibility of leaving. I had taken him for granted. But his job was like any other—another could quickly replace it in a heartbeat.
It’d been scary to realize that.
The important part was that he decided to stay. I mean, I’d been crushing on this guy for years. However, I did worry about what all the kissing really meant and what his expectations of me were. Too much happened recently. And my biggest fear was getting hurt, hurting him, hurting our relationship, or worse—all of the above.
Proceed with caution.
I told him I needed time to process everything, and he was very understanding of the situation that I’d just gone through. He didn’t care about that. He was mostly glad that Thomas was a thing of the past.
But an unfamiliar feeling of uncertainty lay dormant in the back of my mind—a sleeping lion in its den. I wanted to be ready for him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about William. It became an infatuation. One I needed to start detaching from immediately. I was determined to claw him out of my mind if necessary.
I had to.
Wasn’t Caleb all I ever wanted?
When I saw him, I was so happy. He made me smile. But every
night before going to sleep, my chest would riot against me. I couldn’t go to bed feeling okay. But why? I was trying, like really trying.
Things had to get better.
My chest needed to stop complaining, and I needed to focus on the great things I had in front of me. That was my new mantra.
And there were lots of great things that I had going on with Caleb. Like the way he made me feel so wanted, his perfectly delicious lips, and the way he kissed me.
He knew me. I was safe with him. That had to be enough.
Thomas said he’d drop by the apartment by the end of the day to talk, and I was nervous but hopeful too. I went for a morning run with Caleb and David, hoping it would help ease the nerves.
I came back from our run and showered. The doorbell rang as I poured myself a cup of coffee, but I hadn’t been informed about Thomas arriving.
Could it be William?
Of course not. An obvious example of the importance of clawing him out of my mind. He doesn’t care anymore, silly. Or did he even care at some point?
He was never around anyway. Filming, he’d told me in his last text.
I dismissed the idea altogether, but another part of me, the one that enjoyed playing tricks on me, quickly got up, hoping it would be him, making me rush to the front door and open it with giddy anticipation.
Wrong brother.
“Hey, Billie,” Tobias said with that big, sincere smile of his. He glanced over my shoulder at the massive flower arrangement behind me and raised a brow. Some flowers were dying—symbolic.
“Hey, what’s up?” I replied, forcing back a smile while my last shred of hope shattered on the inside.
“I just wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing. I haven’t seen you at the gym.”
I hadn’t resumed my training with Grant precisely because I wanted to avoid Tobias or any other Sjöberg family member. I tried getting in touch with Grant. However, his phone was disconnected. The elevator chimed behind us, and Aaron came walking out
of it.
“Miss Murphy, sorry to interrupt. You were not answering your
phone, but Mr. Hill is downstairs.”
I turned to look at Tobias and puckered my lips to the side.
Tobias would probably report back to William, making him think that there was still something going on with Thomas, but I needed to stop fretting about what William thought or not. I tried to explain everything many times, but he made it perfectly clear that he didn’t care to listen.
“Send him up.”
I need to stop caring.
Aaron replied with a nod and left.
“Well, it’s ah—good to hear you’re doing fine, Billie. If there’s
anything you need, you know where to find me.”
Tobias had proved to be a good friend but looking at him was
difficult because it inevitably reminded me how things went south with William. He helped a lot the day of the fire, and I wanted to let my bitterness aside to tell him how thankful I was that he’d been there for me and for having stayed in touch to check on me afterward.
“I’m sorry,” I said to him with a sigh. “The past few weeks have been difficult—too many changes. I haven’t got the chance to talk to Grant, but I’m so grateful for what you both did for me. You didn’t have to but—”
“Please, don’t mention it,” he said with a frown, shaking his head a few times.
“Did Grant change his number?” I asked. “I haven’t been able to reach him. I want to thank him directly and be able to let him know once I’m ready to resume our sessions.”
“He did. I’ll ask Will—” He broke off. “Um, I don’t have your number, and I didn’t bring my phone. But I’ll make sure you get it. I’ll text you later.”
Frustrating.
He couldn’t even say William in front of me.
The elevator doors opened in the distance. Thomas, Aaron, and
David walked out in our direction. Caleb preferred not to interact with Thomas, especially after everything that happened. He couldn’t stand him.
“I think I better get going, Billie,” Tobias said, looking back at the three of them.
“Hey, man.” Thomas clutched Tobias’s shoulder and offered his hand to him. So unlike him. “I’m sorry about the other day. I was so worried about Billie. I acted like a real asshole with everyone, including your brother. I can’t thank you enough for all your help.”
Tobias’s lips parted slightly; shock drowned his eyes. I don’t think he expected that sort of reaction from Thomas. He nodded and told him there was nothing to be thankful for and excused himself to leave.
“Hey, babe,” he said, kissing my cheek. “Can I come in?” Babe. I was starting to hate that word.
“Sure.”
Thomas caught me off guard too. I wasn’t expecting him to
act like this after being thrown out of my place, although I did appreciate him behaving accordingly.
Aaron glanced at me behind Thomas, waiting for confirmation that I was comfortable with the situation. I replied with a simple nod and looked away.
“We’ll wait out here,” he said firmly. Aaron wasn’t buying Thomas’s goody-two-shoes act.
We walked inside, and Thomas immediately saw the flowers. “I hope you liked them. I meant that,” he said, tapping the card where he’d asked for forgiveness.
“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” Every word that came out of
my mouth felt like walking on broken glass. I was being mindful about what to say and how to say it.
Thomas stopped to stare at the empty gallery wall for a second with a deep crease in between his brows. He bobbed his head a few times and made his way to the living room with an air of defeat. You could tell he wasn’t happy that I’d taken his portrait down.
We sat, and I waited for Thomas to do the talking. He held his hands together, rested his elbows over his knees, and anxiously shook his feet.
“I’m so sorry, Billie,” he said as a creative opening statement. “I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing as of late. And I want to change that. I really do. I want to stop asking for your forgiveness. But to do that, I need you to give me another chance.” He let out a breath through his mouth and looked me in the eye. “I lost it the other day, and I admit that. But please, just let me fix this.”
I didn’t know if forgiving Thomas was the solution. The real problem that I saw was that he had shown his true colors more than a few times. He was controlling, manipulative, and jealous beyond reasonable measure. But I had already told him that when we broke up on the phone—sort of.
Just looking at him was exhausting.
Most of all, I was angry about how he ruined my bet with William. It was much more than a game. It was William’s way of letting me know who he was, in his own way. But Thomas took that away from us, and he made William feel like shit. And, ultimately, Thomas drove William away from me.
“I don’t know if I can go back to where we were before all of this,” I said, my brows bunching up. “I’m sorry.”
“Why?” He grimaced. “Please, just tell me why? I’m willing to change and be better for you. Please believe me.”
He moved closer to me, and I flinched away almost imperceptibly.
“We’re caught up in a vicious cycle. Something bad happens, you’re sorry, I forgive you, on repeat,” I explained. “But you’re not doing anything different to make things better—to break that cycle.” I was so fed up with the toxic stimulation Thomas had going on. “I can’t change who you are. That’s not how it works. I’m honestly finding it hard to keep up with”—I waved a lazy hand back and forth between us—“all of this.”
He looked pissed now. Not that I would stop because of it.
“Not to mention how extremely disrespectful you were the other night. I know you’re sorry about it, but I haven’t been able to brush the feeling off. And we didn’t even talk about what I saw under your bed.”
Thomas readjusted himself on his seat and leaned in to say in a low almost creepy voice, “Those condoms were not mine. I would never cheat on you—you know that.” His jaw clenched, and his nostrils flared for a couple of loud, heavy breaths. I don’t know if he wanted to intimidate me into believing him, but I wasn’t planning on playing along.
And did I know that he would never cheat on me? With Thomas, I didn’t know what to expect anymore. And I honestly didn’t care. I was done with him.
“Look, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and you don’t owe me anything.”
“Please, don’t say that.” It was a plea, but his voice was getting rougher. What was I to say? It was the truth, and I needed him to understand that we were not dating anymore. I tried pulling the plug nicely, and it didn’t work before. It wasn’t easy, but I needed to be firm.
“The empty condom packages you saw under my bed belong to Nicholas,” he finally revealed.
“Nicholas?” Thomas’s go-to scapegoat.
It was an interesting turn of events, and I wasn’t sure if I would eat that up. Not that it would make any difference.
“He uses the apartment from time to time. That’s why we keep a spare key in the safety box outside. You can imagine my reaction when I came back and saw them after you told me about it. I guess that’s why I’ve never felt comfortable taking you there, knowing I don’t have the place to myself.”
He seemed genuine. Still, I couldn’t help but think about his love-hate relationship with Nicholas. Why did Thomas allow his behavior? Did Nicholas have something on Thomas? It felt that way because seeing Thomas interact with Nicholas didn’t match up with his personality. Thomas wasn’t the pushover type of guy. And it seemed to me like Thomas had given Nicholas one too many chances.
Fortunately, it wasn’t my problem anymore.
“Okay,” I said with a shrug.
“So, that’s it?” he asked with irritation. “That’s all you have to
say? Do you believe me?” “I do.”
I wasn’t sure if I did or not, but there was no point in arguing or getting into any further details. There was nothing he could say or do that would convince me to get back together with him. And he needed to know that.
“Thomas, there’s no easy way to say it, but I’m sure of this.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to get back together. I’m done. I’m sorry things had to end this way, but I can’t move forward after all that’s happened.”
I swallowed the huge lump in my throat after telling him that. It was hard to say it, but I knew it was for the best. “I’m sorry,” I repeated as he stared at me in silence.
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?”
If he only knew ...
He meant William, of course, unaware of my current situation with Caleb. Thomas could ask anything he wanted, as he always did, but I was done explaining myself. I kept quiet. Let him think whatever he wants to think.
“He’s going to chew you up and spit you out. You know that, right?” He lowered his chin and stared into my eyes.
Wow. Okay.
My eyebrows flew up with shock. Thomas didn’t know that I wasn’t even getting the chance to get to the chewing part with William, so to speak. But he didn’t need to know anything else about me.
“Will he?” I taunted him. Probably not the best thing to do, but that right there was what I meant about Thomas letting his true colors shine brightly. His B-side.
“I’ll never give up on you, Billie. You need to understand that.” He reached out for my hand, but I recoiled away from his touch. It was dangerous. I knew that much. His touch, his lips, his words. The situation was proving to be more challenging than I thought.
“I wish you didn’t have to make this any more difficult,” I said to him.
He stood up with a huff and marched toward the front door. I followed Thomas, careful not to catch up with him but close enough to make sure he would leave.
As he passed through the foyer, he kicked the Matisse he bought for me at the MoMA. It was leaning against the wall. He then stuck a hand out and dramatically pushed the flowers off the table, making the vase crash on the floor into a million pieces.
There he goes.
I was sure he would be sorry by the end of the day, but I wouldn’t be there to hear his apology anymore.
He opened the door and let it bang against the door’s bumper, leaving it wide open as he stepped out of the apartment. Glass shards surrounded my bare feet. It was best not to move an inch. Aaron reached out for Thomas’s arm, but he violently shoved it away.
“Don’t fucking touch me, Aaron,” he snapped back at him and stormed out through the emergency exit. An excellent choice. It would’ve been too awkward for him to wait for the elevator to come up after the little scene he’d just made.
David walked inside my apartment, picked me up, and carried me to the living room. He then asked me to stay put.
I swear that if anyone had told me that the actor was Thomas and not William, I’d believed them in a heartbeat. He was dramatic as fuck.
