Simon
Ethan and I are in the elevator, sharing earbuds, when I finally work up the nerve to ask the question that’s been gnawing at me all night. “Do you think there’ll be vampires there? In the crowd?”
I don’t know what I want the answer to be, yes or no. I think I’ll be equally afraid, either way.
Ethan glances over and, right away, I can tell he hasn’t heard me over the music and the noise. The elevator in our building is old and loud, rattling noisily as it scrapes its way down through the shaft. I wish he had heard me, though. I don’t know if I can get my mouth to ask it again.
Ethan takes out his earbud and gives me a curious smile. “What did you say?”
Level with that smile, my heart rocks, and something within me withers and dies. My resolve, my steel. Tonight has the potential to be amazing…even if I think there’s an equally good chance that I’ll cave before I make it through the front entrance. My stomach is already twisting in fear of it.
“Si?” he asks.
“I said, I hope they like me.” I duck my head, looking down at my phone to hide the lie on my face.
We’re going to the boardwalk to meet some of Ethan’s friends from work. It’ll be our first outing as a couple, in public, with other people. He’s excited about it; I’m excited too… Cautiously excited.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve gone out anywhere other than the corner grocery store. I don’t know if I remember how to “be out” and have fun.
Plus, there’s the vampire problem.
The last time we talked about it was two weeks ago. We’d been on our way home from the store when Ethan had gotten a bad feeling. He’d frozen in place and, looking almost gray with nerves, asked me if I noticed anything. I’d looked all around, and listened, and smelled the night air…but nothing had seemed amiss to me. But he still made us take the long way home.
We kept quiet until we were inside, but by then I couldn’t contain myself anymore. “Maybe they’re just curious about the newcomer,” I’d said, smiling like I was joking.
Ethan huffed and shook his head. He still looked rattled, and I saw him touch his side, where he kept a silver knife beneath his jacket. It’s still there, now. “Curious or not,” he’d mumbled, “it’s best if we stay out of their way.”
I’d bitten my lip, and after a moment, decided to just say it. What I’d been thinking for a long time. “Maybe we shouldn’t be avoiding them.”
Ethan went still, then turned slowly toward me. His brow was creased, his eyes searching and filled with a deep, churning fear. “Why not?” he’d said.
Now, it should be said that I don’t blame Ethan for being so afraid of vampires. One of them—one of us—killed his entire family in a single night. His mother, his father, and his sister. Drained them like a tick while they slept in their beds. And he’d had to come home from a friend’s house and see that. He’d had to call 9-1-1 himself, at thirteen years old, and tell them that.
I can’t even imagine.
But I’d already been a vampire for a year, and I still didn’t know what I was doing. I was (and still am) in exactly the same place that I was in when I first turned. Ignorant, lost, and totally dependent on Ethan to survive.
I told him as much, speaking in the low, quick tones of someone terribly uncomfortable with confrontation.
“I just…” I’d swallowed nervously and felt the low sting of hunger pricking in my throat. “I think we could use some help, is all. Not much, just a little guidance. I could use some…”
“Help with what?” Ethan had said, frowning defensively. “We’re doing fine.”
I’d blinked at him, stunned that he seemed to really believe that. Fervently. For a brief moment, I couldn’t even think of how to respond. It seemed so obvious to me that we weren’t fine, that we were anything but fine, that it scrambled my brain to think that he could be so blind.
“You had to go to the hospital!” I’d cried, my voice breaking as remembered panic squeezed my throat.
So yeah…there was also that.
The other night, he had to go to an urgent care facility. He’s been getting a lot of dizzy spells lately, and that night, he actually fell, smacking his head on the kitchen counter and passing out for a few seconds. It was only a few seconds, but it scared the absolute piss out of me.
“Low blood cell count,” the doctor said. “Anemia.”
I’d sat on a cold, plastic chair in that cold, white room and said, “Anemia.” I’d heard of it before, but honestly, I didn’t really know what it was. The word terrified me.
The doctor had had to explain it twice to me, and even then, my brain wasn’t letting the information in. All I heard was “not enough blood” and “potential complications leading to problems in the future.”
He never used to be anemic.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea, Simon,” Ethan said after I’d finished talking. His expression looked pinched, as if the idea of me talking to other vampires physically pained him. “You don’t know how dangerous they are, not really. I was a hunter for years, and even I…” He gulped and shook his head again. “If anything happened to you…”
He'd started to look pale then, and I’d been worried he might be on the verge of passing out again, or even having a panic attack. So, I’d said we could talk about it later. That was weeks ago.
Now, Ethan’s big, brown eyes go soft. “Is that what you’re worried about? That they won’t like you?” He chuckles as if the notion is ridiculous and puts his arm around my waist, pulling me against him so he can nuzzle his nose into my hair.
“They’re going to love you,” he says, so full of earnest that it makes my chest ache. I so don’t want to ruin our night…and I’ve already waited this long…
“Like I love you.” When he kisses me, so much guilt constricts my throat that I can no longer breathe. But that’s okay.
I’m already dead.
