The blood coating my fingers caused my grip on the steel knife to slip. I raised the tool only to slide it back into the body that lay on the autopsy table. I was there but not, my body in one place while my mind was in another. Perhaps that was the way it had always been. Perhaps I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and constantly moving to find a place to find peace. But I wasn’t constantly moving, was I?
I paused with the blade frozen in mid-air. I failed to move; a shark no longer swimming, but somehow not dying. What happened to the person inside of me, the sharp-toothed predator unable to function without that perfect kill?
It was simple. I fell in love again. I allowed myself to be captured in a proverbial net, and now, I was hovering in one spot torn between two lives. I had done horrible things to silence the voices, such brutal acts to justify the loss I had suffered. My brother had been my world. What I did to those I deemed evil gave me peace and ultimately, brought peace to all those involved in their crimes. No one should have to suffer as I had. Somewhere, I hoped my brother had found peace as well. My actions would have disappointed him, but it was too late to think about that now.
All I knew was that if I refused to let go of the past, one day my grip on the rope of reality would eventually slip from my fingers. It would wind itself around my neck and destroy me. The destruction would touch everyone in my life, everyone I allowed myself to grow connected to, and that would result in emotional scars that would never go away.
I directed my attention back to the knife in my hand. I was weak from the internal struggle, and it gnawed relentlessly at me as the days continued to pass. How long had it been since I had killed someone in the name of justice? Justice. That word made me nauseous. There was no real justice in the world, not even in my hands. If that word held any real substance, I wouldn’t be needed.
I’m doing it again. My mind is in another place while my body stays locked in a position where-
The knife slipped through my fingers. A bloody hand grabbed my wrist. I looked down at the body on the table to see Clarissa staring back at me. Her grip tightened as the knife clattered loudly on the ground.
“You’re a murderer. That’s all you’ll ever be.”
Sweating profusely, I opened my eyes to look at the dark room around me. Beside me, Johnny slept peacefully. I slipped from the sheets. The cold water in the bathroom did nothing to help calm my nerves, but I continued to splash my face for several minutes before cutting off the faucet. I looked at my tired reflection as I reached for a hand towel. It was the third nightmare that week. I never had nightmares. Dreams were a sign of a restless mind, a way of coping with unresolved issues. I simply had no time for that in my line of work, legal or otherwise.
Johnny knew I was having a rough time sleeping, but whenever it seemed that he was going to ask me anything related to my troubles, I avoided the subject. What would I say? I had dragged him unknowingly into my bed of lies far enough. I wasn’t ready to challenge the bridge I built connecting my past and the present life involving him. Simply because I wasn’t ready to lose him.
I cut off the bathroom light and went quietly back to bed. Johnny turned towards me as I lowered myself down next to him. Even in his sleep, he drew me into his arms. I pressed my hand against his chest to feel the steady beating of his heart and closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure I would ever be ready for that day.
***
“You’re burning the toast, Baby.”
I looked down at the toaster and saw smoke. I unplugged it from the wall and ejected the burnt bread. Frowning, I plopped it onto a plate. “Sorry.”
Johnny leaned over to kiss me. “It’s okay; I like my toast a little on the crunchy side.”
Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling at him. Behind us, the puppy that Detective Dara Waters found at a crime scene barked in excitement. We named him Rocky. He had grown quite attached to us or, as Johnny liked to tease, quite attached to me.
Johnny surprised me by grabbing the piece of toast and biting into it. I laughed at the look of disgust that crossed his face before he swallowed. He chased down the taste with several gulps of the coffee I left for him on the counter. “Got something on your mind?”
“No,” I lied, “why do you ask?”
Turning, he threw the toast into the trash. “You got up several times last night.”
I didn’t take offense to the observation. “I wasn’t feeling well.”
“You’re not coming down with something, are you?” He reached out and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “I know it’s been a busy week with the staff changes and multiple cases. It’s been hard on all of us. Maybe you should call in today.”
In the past, I would have taken offense to him saying that. My job was all I had to rely on, the only thing that kept me grounded, but keeping that in past tense was important. “I can’t. I have a meeting with Director Malone and Adrian this morning.”
“About what?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.” I concentrated on fixing another cup of coffee in my favorite mug. Favorite mug, listen to you; it’s black with red swirls on it, and suddenly, it’s your favorite mug.
Sipping at his coffee, Johnny leaned against the counter. “Maybe you’re finally getting help in the morgue.”
“I don’t need help.”
He chuckled, “Yes, you do. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”
Looks like someone has been paying attention to the Cliff Notes version of who you are. “I guarantee he’ll have me buried in work all day. I probably won’t be coming home for lunch.”
“I’ll bring you something.”
“Do you ever really stay away?”
He reached out to pull me close. “Do you?”
“Why don’t you call me closer to lunch, and we’ll go from there?”
“Deal.”
Johnny dipped his head to kiss me. Relaxing against his taller frame, I wrapped my arms around his neck. The sparks were still there, the tingles shooting through my entire body at the simple act of his lips touching mine.
I was smiling when he drew back, those beautiful eyes gazing down at me. “What is it?” I stroked the back of his neck where his hair was growing out again.
“I love you.”
You will truly never realize how much I love you, Johnny. “I love you, too.” I stepped back to grab my coffee. “I should go. If I’m late, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
He kissed me again. “I’ll call you.”
***
The past six months have been a stressful time at the department. I usually kept to myself and let others deal with their issues, but those issues were quickly becoming mine. Staff had quit, inexperienced staff were hired, and there were shift changes in the department, including Malone’s newly implemented policy on fraternizing. He couldn’t deny anyone in the department the right to date if they weren’t managing that person, but he could restrict their access to each other. The new policy stated, while members of the staff could socialize, any interference in job performance would result in suspension or loss of position.
Despite being back on nightshift, and my brain was reeling at the possible ways he could make my life miserable. Just try, Trevor. Give me one reason to add you to my list.
I continued down the basement hallway. A light flickered above me, and I glared at it, case folders in one hand while I held my coffee in the other. I pushed open the door to the morgue with my hip and entered. I turned on the heel of my boot and stopped the second I noticed a stranger standing by one of my metal autopsy tables where a half-covered body lay. Tall with broad shoulders and dark hair shaved close to his head, he wore a white lab coat over a black tee shirt and jeans.
For a few minutes, we studied each other in silence.
“You must be Angela.”
“Your assumption would be correct, Mister?”
He stepped around the table and extended his hand. “Colson Richardson, pleased to meet you, Ma’am. I’m-”
“Director Malone’s latest staff addition.” Ignoring his hand, I moved past him and lowered my folders onto the counter beside my computer. “And don’t call me ma’am, Angela is fine. What do we have?”
“John Doe, white male. He has three wounds in his lower abdomen. Cause of death appears to be exsanguination.”
I lowered my coffee cup and grabbed a file to scan the contents. “How long have you been here?”
“About an hour.”
Eyes narrowing, I paused to look at him, “You were in my morgue for almost an hour doing what exactly?”
“I arrived a little earlier than I planned. One of the detectives escorted me down here, and I started to prep.”
“Which detective?” Maybe I can release some stress and beat that person into apologizing.
“Detective Waters.”
Maybe not.
“When I heard you were working here, I jumped at the opportunity to apply for this department. It’s an honor to be here.”
I stared at him. Judging by the smooth lines of his clothing and the optimistic look on his face, Colson Richardson was fresh out of medical school and ready to take on the world. I doubted he had ever been in situations like the ones he would find here in Vegas. Only time would tell if he’d be able to stomach what this job threw at me daily. “Why?”
Colson hesitated, the optimistic look turning into one of confusion. “Well, you’re widely known in this field as being one of the best. Several of the cases you’ve worked on while at this department are taught at the yearly seminar in Dallas.”
I snorted and turned to grab the coffee pot off the counter. “I get an invitation to that strokefest every year. It’s a joke.”
“Stroke…fest?”
“A bunch of overpaid assholes get together every year to stroke each other’s ego and make the green thumbs feel inadequate.”
He let out a small laugh and smiled, “I see. So, where would you like to start, Angela?”
I tossed the coffee pot and watched in amusement as he juggled the glass before gripping it firmly between his hands. “You can start by refilling that.” I grabbed my medical coat off the coat rack. “I’ll be right back.”
***
Lucky for him, Director Malone wasn’t in his office. My second choice to unload my rant upon was Adrian, but he was talking to Lilah in his office. That was a conversation I wanted to avoid at all costs. On his power trip, Trevor promoted Lilah to day shift supervisor but had also gifted her a handful of fresh CSAs that lacked in skills and needed weeks of training before they were able to fly solo. Adrian was probably getting an earful, and by the glazed look on his face, she had been going at it for some time. I continued down the hall.
Minutes later, I lowered myself down into the seat adjacent to Dara’s desk. “I heard you met my new assistant coroner.”
She didn’t look away from her computer screen and continued to type. “He came into the station at the same time as I did. He looked a little lost, so I showed him to the morgue.” When I went silent, she paused her typing and flashed me a quick grin. “Oops?”
“Next time you get assigned a rookie cop; I’m sending him to a scene without you.” I looked around at the empty desks. “Looks like you pulled the short straw for desk duty today.”
“I had a cold, so I took a few days off. I have a lot of paperwork to finalize.”
Liar, liar; pants off instead of on fire. Her absence wasn’t from being sick. Henry Jackson had been suspiciously missing in action as well. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Despite my occasional dislike of Henry, he seemed to make her happy. I sensed something in Dara, a darkness she battled constantly, and I knew it had a lot to do with losing her family during the events of Hurricane Katrina. If Henry was one of those things helping keep that darkness at bay, I wasn’t going to interfere.
“Have you seen Director Buzzkill?”
Continuing to type, Dara snorted and shook her head. “I keep hoping a call will come in that he’s been hit by a vehicle.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. She was one of the few people in the department I could stand being around for a lengthy period of time. We shared a fondness for twisted humor. Sure, she was dating Henry when she could have her pick of any man in the world… But we all have our vices, don’t we, Killer? I rose to my feet at the same time I pushed the thought into the back of my mind. “I should see if Adrian is done listening to Lilah complain.”
“I swear every time I go by his office, she’s in there.” Dara leaned back in her seat and opened her desk drawer. She extended a folder towards me. “You might be interested in taking a look at this.”
Accepting the folder, I opened it. “Nosy little thing, aren’t we?”
“Guilty as charged. I had extra time on my hands this morning, so I took a peek at your new guy. He’s fresh out of the gate, but he’s got a clean record and solid references. Overall, he seems like your average red-blooded American male; intelligent, polite, you name it.”
“Squeaky.”
“What?”
“He’s squeaky clean.” I snapped the folder shut. “Might be a good nickname for him.”
“What were you going to call him?”
Spotting Lilah walking back to her department, I tucked the folder under my arm. “Assistant Coroner Dude?”
She started laughing, and I moved away. Approaching Adrian’s office, I cleared my throat and knocked on the open door.
He paused from shuffling through his things on the desk and looked up, his glasses perched on the end of his nose. He motioned for me to have a seat. “Just the person I wanted to see.”
“After Lilah, I imagine anyone would be an improvement.” I lowered myself into the chair and tossed the folder onto the open seat beside me. “Mind telling me why I found a green thumb in my morgue this morning?”
“As you know, Dr. Flagg is looking to retire in a few years. We want to be ready, when the time comes, to fill his position.”
“When Flagg says a few years, he could be talking about a number between one and a hundred, Adrian. He’s quite comfortable on days with Paul, but I don’t see why I need an assistant on nights. He’ll only slow me down.”
“Colson Richardson is quite capable of assisting you, I assure you.” He smiled, and I immediately knew what he was going to ask. “How are things at home?”
“Johnny listens to a lot of country music when we’re in the car together, but other than that, we’re fine. How are things with you?”
Two months ago, Shannon surprised everyone when she resigned from her position. I wasn’t entirely taken off guard, considering her recent emotional issues concerning her job. The type of things we handled on a daily basis would shake the faith of even the most confident souls.
“Things are lovely. Shannon’s enjoying the time off with her paintings.”
Therapy comes in all shapes and sizes. I respected Adrian’s strict method of privacy, and I appreciated that he was more open to me during these conversations than he was with everyone else in the station. He trusted me. That feels rather unfortune.
He rocked back in his chair comfortably. “You should think about taking some time off yourself; an upcoming wedding can be quite time consuming.”
“I’m fairly confident I’m capable of handling two things at once.” I’ve been doing this juggling act for years.
“Have you decided on a date?” He chuckled as I noticeably winced in my seat. “Well, I’m sure you will. Those things tend to fall into place.”
“May I ask you a personal question?”
“Of course.”
“You’ve never been married. Why not?”
“It’s never been the right time or the right person.”
“Sometimes it can be the right person at the right time and still not work out.”
Adrian scratched his chin thoughtfully. “I guess it would depend on what you were willing to do to make it work. If you want something, it is possible to not only obtain it, but keep it as well. Things worth having are never easy to hold onto when they’re important to someone. It’s about dedication.”
“You should consider writing fortune cookies if you decide life in the crime lab is too much for you, Adrian.”
“It’s certainly an option.”
I rose from the chair. “Well, it’s been fun, but I need to go check on my shadow and make sure he’s not burning down the morgue.”
With a chuckle, he smiled again. “You’ll get used to him, Angela, and before you know it, things will return to normal without having to deal with Director Malone’s red tape. Who knows, you might enjoy having someone be your shadow.”
My own shadow is enough. I paused at the door. “Hey, Adrian?”
“You don’t have to thank me for requesting you back to nights. It’s good to have you working with us again. Now, get to work.”
I saluted him. “Yes, Sir.”
***
I barely took two steps when I stopped short to not bump into Henry as he came down the opposite hallway. I cleared my throat in an awkward reaction that made me immediately hate myself.
“Hey.”
“Uh, hey.”
“I heard you were coming back to night shift, too.”
“You heard, or you were told?”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Does it matter?”
Back to square one, I see. “I guess not.” I kept my posture relaxed. “How are things with Dara?”
“I need to go.”
I went left when he went right. He took another step, and when I moved to block him again, he stepped forward to bring us inches apart. “Knock it off, Angela. I’ve got work to do.”
“How are things with Dara?”
He glared down at me then sighed in defeat. “Not that it’s really any of your business, but things are great.”
“So, she doesn’t mind your drinking problem?”
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop that.”
“What’s that?”
“That, Angela!” He ran his hand over his face. “Geez, Woman, what do you want from me?”
I chuckled, the sound without an ounce of humor. “I just want you to fix your shit before I do it for you.” I smiled thinly, but the expression vanished immediately. “Every day you go out there unprepared because of your dependency. You’re not only risking yourself, but your team as well, and I want Johnny returned with all his parts.”
“I’m not going to let anything happen to Johnny. I can promise you that.”
“Your promises aren’t any good to me, Henry; they’re just words. I’m a ‘see it to believe’ kind of girl.” I flashed him another thin smile. “It’s not worth your job and your relationships.”
“Stop talking to me like we’re friends.”
“If you want to go back to being at each other’s throats all the time, I’m game, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m right. Clean your life up, or I’ll give you reason to do it.”
He stepped closer, looming over me. “Don’t even think about it.”
“I won’t have you risking the man I love just so you can go off half-cocked. You want to go down in a blaze of glory, fine; be my guest, but you’re not taking any of these people with you, not Dara and definitely not Johnny.”
“Get out of my damn way.”
I ignored the flash of warning in his eyes. I ignored all the warning signs and reached out to press my hand against his cheek. “You’re a good man, Henry. You’re better than this. This place you’re trying to go, that level of Hell; it won’t bring you peace, only more pain. You’re not making amends for anything you think you’ve done wrong in your past by willingly doing this to yourself.”
Eyes dark with confliction, he reached out to curl his fingers around my wrist but didn’t tighten his grip like I expected. “I know what I’m doing. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“I’m not-”
“You’re the last person in the entire world I expected to ever be concerned about me, but you are.”
“Maybe I just want to help myself. I mean, you end up dead, and the first person they’re going to interrogate as a suspect is me.”
He chuckled but didn’t release my wrist, even after I shifted my hand away from his face. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
“You can let go of my wrist.” I cocked an eyebrow when he merely stared down at me. “You can let go of my wrist now.” I repeated.
“You’re not wearing your engagement ring.”
My eyes flickered to my fingers. “I didn’t want to get blood on it or lose it in the guts of some old guy found behind a casino. How many girls do you know would give you that excuse, right?”
“When do you get off?”
Do not answer inappropriately, Mouth! Frowning, I pulled lightly against the pressure of his fingers. “Please let go of my wrist.”
“Mind if I interrupt?”
The intrusive voice made him drop my hand as if it burned him, and Henry strode past me without another word.
“Angela?”
I turned on my heel to face Colson, the ends of my lab coat swirling around my legs. He looked away from the direction Henry disappeared to focus back on me. “There’s been a report of a 419. Adrian suggested I shadow you.”
“Great, field trip time.”
“Is everything okay?”
“You were standing there snooping. You know the answer to that question.” Walking away, I stopped just short of the elevator, mindful of Colson appearing to stand beside me.
“I met Johnny earlier.” He hit the button on the elevator and directed his attention to the numbers above the metal doors as they changed. He smiled, his eyes slowly shifting to meet mine. “The first thing he said when I introduced myself was: have you met my fiancée, Angela? She’s amazing.”
I stepped inside after he did, and he hit the bottom floor before leaning against the wall, arms crossed against his chest. I echoed the same position on the opposite wall. “I bet he did.”
“It seemed like that guy was attempting to ask you out.”
I couldn’t help my laughter. “If you knew anything about the relationship I have with Henry, you’d realize the absurdity of what you just asked.”
“Perhaps you’d like to fill in the blanks for me?”
“I don’t think there’s enough time in the world to tell you everything you think you should know.” I shot him a look right as the elevator hit the ground floor. The doors opened, and he motioned me to exit first. I rolled my eyes before marching past him.
“Did you two date in the past?”
I continued into the morgue. “I’d rather be disemboweled before even contemplating going on a date with Henry Jackson.”
“That’s an interesting way to phrase the word no.”
I abruptly turned to face him. “Let’s get something thing straight here, Colson, my personal life is none of your business. Johnny is Henry’s best friend. Right now, Henry’s going through some issues. We haven’t always gotten along in the past, but he’s important to Johnny. Unfortunately, that makes him important to me.”
“You seemed emotionally involved back there in the hallway, yet you label your relationship with Henry as unfortunate. I’d say you’re not exactly sure if that’s the correct terminology to use or not.”
“And I’d say you’re talking out of your ass because that’s all you’ve got to go on right now.”
“I apologize for being curious.”
“I’d be careful who you become curious about around here. The last thing you want to do is make enemies of the people you have to work with daily.”
“The last thing I want to do is make an enemy of you, Angela.”
“We’ve worked together for a total of three hours. You don’t know a thing about me.” I stepped away to collect my kit and my bag. “And no, a barrage of questions won’t help you.”
“I have faith that I’ll wear you down.”
Glaring at him, I shrugged on my jacket. “I’m going to supervise while you run this by yourself.”
“I appreciate the vote of confidence, Ms. Wilkins.” He smiled when I glared at him again. “Angela.”
“Word of advice? Try not to screw this up. You don’t want Director Malone as an enemy. He tends to yell, and I’ll get to laugh because it won’t be at me this time.”
Colson chuckled and grabbed for his kit. “I will do my best.”
“And stop smiling at me, it’s annoying.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I thought I told you to stop apologizing!”
I was smiling when we left the building. If Colson noticed, he didn’t mention it.
