In Finally Free, Seth boldly and vulnerably chronicles his personal journey of self discovery and acceptance, sharing intimate details of his time in a conversion treatment program aimed at changing his sexuality. He skillfully interweaves his actual journal entries from those tumultuous days with poignant reflections from his current perspective as a therapist, ten years later.
With a powerful and evocative narrative, Seth seeks to vividly illustrate the profound impact of anti-gay rhetoric and religious trauma on individuals, providing an unfiltered glimpse into the emotional upheaval and psychological strain caused by attempts to suppress oneās innate identity. Through his memoir, Seth aims to shatter misconceptions and raise awareness about the damaging effects of conversion therapy, encouraging dialogue and understanding in society.
In Finally Free, Seth boldly and vulnerably chronicles his personal journey of self discovery and acceptance, sharing intimate details of his time in a conversion treatment program aimed at changing his sexuality. He skillfully interweaves his actual journal entries from those tumultuous days with poignant reflections from his current perspective as a therapist, ten years later.
With a powerful and evocative narrative, Seth seeks to vividly illustrate the profound impact of anti-gay rhetoric and religious trauma on individuals, providing an unfiltered glimpse into the emotional upheaval and psychological strain caused by attempts to suppress oneās innate identity. Through his memoir, Seth aims to shatter misconceptions and raise awareness about the damaging effects of conversion therapy, encouraging dialogue and understanding in society.
I have made the decision to enter this treatment program for several reasons: I have been living a homosexual lifestyle with frequent one-night stands and hookups with other men. This has led to an extreme sense of guilt, which has caused me to drink excessively and frequently get high on weed (which consequently leads me to make poor decisions in further hookups and one-night stands). I feel I am living a life of constant internal conflict, guilt, and confusion, and am miserable as a result. I want to have fulfilled relationships with myself, my family and with God. But I also know I am frustrated by the conflicting messages I get about the Bible, what āTruthā is, and whether being gay is āsinfulā depending on who I ask. All I know is I am unhappy and feel I have not been living the right way.
I want to feel good in my own skin. I donāt want to continue beingĀ at war with who I am. Was I born gay? Can my homosexuality change? Am I truly a Christian? What factors are behind all these problems in my relationships? Am I strong enough to live a life of integrity? These are all questions that I would like answered and why Iāve found myself in California.Ā
It is hard to place a value judgment on whether my introduction to NH was good or bad. It just was. I did not know what I had signed up for and was walking into an unknown world. A therapist could have walked me through locked doors, and I would not have been alarmed. Okay maybe I would have been alarmed, but you get my point. I did not know what I was getting myself into and was in for the ride. The fact that I was entering into a program to change my sexuality had deeply impacted me, making me feel I was doing something incredibly drastic. I had not yet publicly come out of the closet and was going into this intensive program trying to change the very nature of who I was. I was in an uncharted realm and did not know what to expect.
After the tour, an employee named Gavin searched through all my stuff. I was an idiot and left the receipt of the airport ārum and cokeā in the book I had been reading. Gavin had to have caught that embarrassing piece of evidence.Ā Ā I was informed I am not allowed to have my phone, iPod, camera, or the book Iāve been reading. Gavin gave a rundown of the house rules and had me fill out loads of paperwork.
The staff initially presented themselves as kind and caring. They treated me the same as one of their typical substance-use clients. However, given that the facility consisted of multiple converted homes, it did not have a particularly professional feel. It felt more like the location for a retreat. Most of the staff provided a calm and welcoming presence. Gavin, however, was not friendly. It makes sense that he, responsible for providing the house rules and guidelines, had to come across as a hard ass. However, this was not a great first impression for someone who was there to change his sexuality.
Ā Upon arriving at NH, I was shown that there are two homes for residents. The main house, where Iām staying, is for clients who are engaged in the intensive residential program. The second house is a sober living home - providing a step-down program. The homes are located in two separate cul-de-sacs. I am living in the main house and have a room all to myself. There are four other residents. Iām the youngest of the group and staff. The house and its rooms are extremely nice. Itās incredible Iām living in an actual house to receive the help I need. Iām still processing the fact Iām in an actual residential treatment program. The fact I will be living here for three months hasnāt yet sunk in.Ā
In my ten-plus yearsā experience in the field of mental health professions, I can say that across-the-board residential treatment facilities vary in numerous ways. Some facilities are specialized and are state of the art, having multiple amenities. Others are āmom and popā setups like NH. Therefore, while I was surprised that NH consisted of homes instead of a quote on quote āfacility,ā I was not too surprised. Would I have felt more comfortable in an established facility over a big home in California? Probably. It is honestly hard to know.
Before Finally Free: A Surrender to Authenticity I never thought I would enjoy reading a quasi interview between a man and his 10-years-younger self. In typing that full title and smiling while doing it, I realize why I did actually enjoy this nonfiction title. A tongue-in-cheek poke at one of the phrases often used in his experience going through conversion therapy showcases the author's voice from the very cover. "Surrender to our way of thinking" flipped into something much more inspirational and sustainable.
Seth's experience at the facility he calls "NH" may not be typical with the horror stories some readers associate with "conversion treatment program." The techniques used by counselors and therapists don't leave physical scars, but both journal entries and the interpretations after explicitly show their impact on the author and his psyche. Not the positive one such facilities are supposed to have, but one that buries those issues he most needed to deal with further inside.
The author warns not to skip the introduction, and I reiterate that instruction here. All of the context and author's life leading up to the actual treatment comes before the real first chapter. Every segment of the book after that introduction corresponds to a day pulled from the journal he wrote in during treatment. The reflections paired with those journal entries, written a decade later, give even more context. The weaving back and forth offers the reader a unique delve further into the mindset of a person confused but hopeful, and still not getting the tools and information he needed.
With each chapter being devoted to the next journal entry or day's worth of entries, some redundancy can be expected. The person writing that journal probably didn't expect to make a book out of those entries later on. However, some of the reflections also felt this way. Not just in the sense of an author trying to circle back to emphasize a point, but in the way certain phrases and descriptions were reused quite often. I also would have liked to see more reflection for the author's experiences after the program.
If you are wanting to read Finally Free for the shock value most media attributes to this topic, you won't find it. If you want a truly authentic take on one man's experience going through conversion treatment, please enjoy.