Day 1
I have made the decision to enter this treatment program for several reasons: I have been living a homosexual lifestyle with frequent one-night stands and hookups with other men. This has led to an extreme sense of guilt, which has caused me to drink excessively and frequently get high on weed (which consequently leads me to make poor decisions in further hookups and one-night stands). I feel I am living a life of constant internal conflict, guilt, and confusion, and am miserable as a result. I want to have fulfilled relationships with myself, my family and with God. But I also know I am frustrated by the conflicting messages I get about the Bible, what “Truth” is, and whether being gay is “sinful” depending on who I ask. All I know is I am unhappy and feel I have not been living the right way.
I want to feel good in my own skin. I don’t want to continue being at war with who I am. Was I born gay? Can my homosexuality change? Am I truly a Christian? What factors are behind all these problems in my relationships? Am I strong enough to live a life of integrity? These are all questions that I would like answered and why I’ve found myself in California.
It is hard to place a value judgment on whether my introduction to NH was good or bad. It just was. I did not know what I had signed up for and was walking into an unknown world. A therapist could have walked me through locked doors, and I would not have been alarmed. Okay maybe I would have been alarmed, but you get my point. I did not know what I was getting myself into and was in for the ride. The fact that I was entering into a program to change my sexuality had deeply impacted me, making me feel I was doing something incredibly drastic. I had not yet publicly come out of the closet and was going into this intensive program trying to change the very nature of who I was. I was in an uncharted realm and did not know what to expect.
After the tour, an employee named Gavin searched through all my stuff. I was an idiot and left the receipt of the airport “rum and coke” in the book I had been reading. Gavin had to have caught that embarrassing piece of evidence. I was informed I am not allowed to have my phone, iPod, camera, or the book I’ve been reading. Gavin gave a rundown of the house rules and had me fill out loads of paperwork.
The staff initially presented themselves as kind and caring. They treated me the same as one of their typical substance-use clients. However, given that the facility consisted of multiple converted homes, it did not have a particularly professional feel. It felt more like the location for a retreat. Most of the staff provided a calm and welcoming presence. Gavin, however, was not friendly. It makes sense that he, responsible for providing the house rules and guidelines, had to come across as a hard ass. However, this was not a great first impression for someone who was there to change his sexuality.
Upon arriving at NH, I was shown that there are two homes for residents. The main house, where I’m staying, is for clients who are engaged in the intensive residential program. The second house is a sober living home - providing a step-down program. The homes are located in two separate cul-de-sacs. I am living in the main house and have a room all to myself. There are four other residents. I’m the youngest of the group and staff. The house and its rooms are extremely nice. It’s incredible I’m living in an actual house to receive the help I need. I’m still processing the fact I’m in an actual residential treatment program. The fact I will be living here for three months hasn’t yet sunk in.
In my ten-plus years’ experience in the field of mental health professions, I can say that across-the-board residential treatment facilities vary in numerous ways. Some facilities are specialized and are state of the art, having multiple amenities. Others are “mom and pop” setups like NH. Therefore, while I was surprised that NH consisted of homes instead of a quote on quote “facility,” I was not too surprised. Would I have felt more comfortable in an established facility over a big home in California? Probably. It is honestly hard to know.
