Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval… true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world… 

—Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

The desire to make others happy and have them regard you in a positive light is natural. We are social beings. We desire connection and want to interact positively with someone and deepen that connection. Those who fall into the trap of people-pleasing are attuned to the needs of the people around them. During their development, people-pleasers decide that the needs of everyone around them are more important and pressing than their own. This can cause great tension in relationships (and in the body), leading the people-pleaser to feel exhausted, dissatisfied, and resentful.

I have used silliness and defiance to mask my hurt feelings. I would laugh things off or make it known that I was not bothered, so no one could see my mushy spots and poke at them. I convinced myself I was protecting myself by doing this. I couldn’t let the other person “win” or see my weakness. I also made a story for myself that by not saying anything, I was practicing non-attachment and being the bigger person. Meanwhile, I would fume inside for days, weeks, or even months, not knowing how to move the emotion through my body and process it. What I didn’t realize was that by doing this, I was suppressing my emotions (anger) and denying my reality. This was another layer of people-pleasing, I realized, because I didn’t want to make the other person uncomfortable by confronting them. So, I stuffed everything down, and then exploded when I got prodded one too many times. I’m not proud of this, but it was the way I knew how to operate in the world. I had never seen or known anything different. It felt like an invisible prison cell. Every nerve in my body was fried. I suffered with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I felt out of control, like I was at the mercy of everyone who came into my sphere. It took me years to realize I was giving my power away to everyone around me, debilitating myself. I was a leaf in the wind, being blown about by the gusts of other people’s words, actions, emotions, and energies. I felt helpless, hopeless, and alone…and did not know how to change it!

But how do you know if you’re a people-pleaser and not just burnt out? If any of the following statements resonate for you, you are most likely a people-pleaser:

Ten Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

1. You struggle with low self-esteem.

2. You have a hard time saying “No,” to people.

3. If you do say “No,” you often feel guilty.

4. You are preoccupied with what people are thinking about you.

5. You worry that turning people down will make you appear mean, lazy,   or selfish.

6. You agree to things you don’t like, don’t agree with, or don’t want to do so you don’t rock the boat.

7. You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.

8. You never have free time because you are always doing things for other people.

9. You apologize A LOT.

10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.

Sound familiar?

I know it might make you cringe to admit these things, but it is the first step to making real, lasting changes in your life. If you identify with the above statements and think you are a people-pleaser, high-five for you! This means you’ve got a good heart and you want to do good things in the world. People-pleasers are empathetic, caring, and thoughtful. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

However, where this can get toxic for you is when:

• The needs of others override your own.

• You have less and less time for yourself, your loved ones, and the things that are important to you because your time is already spoken for.

• You feel exhausted all the time because you have zero time to recharge

• You feel resentful every time someone asks you to do something.

• You daydream about ways that you can just check out and escape your life.

The Four Fears that Create People-Pleasers

Fear is like a 60-foot, two headed snake as big around as a Ponderosa Pine. Avoid it and the snake grows larger and comes closer, rearing its ugly head, ready to strike. But look the snake in the eye, and it sees its own reflection, gets scared and shrinks away. 

—Southwestern Native American Myth

It never occurred to me that I had the choice to say “No” to the demands of others. My mission in life was to make sure that everyone around me was okay. Once I entered my early teenage years, feeling lost, drained, and empty became my normal, and I didn’t find anyone I could talk to about it. So, I became an expert at hiding the existential dread I felt, and everyone thought I was a happy-go-lucky girl who got along with everyone. If only they had known. Living with this gaping hole in my soul while plastering a smile on my face was lonely. It lasted for years, until I got a massive slap-in-the-face wake-up call when my fiancé slept with my best friend. I had to examine my life.

As I explored the minutiae of the path that had led to destruction, I realized I hadn’t become a people-pleaser because I wanted to be nice and help other people. I had given control of my life over to others out of fear. Fear had taken over my life and stolen my peace. I believed that if I acted in certain ways, I’d avoid situations I feared. However, the complete opposite happened. I ended up having to face all these fears, anyway. I believe the following fears are the reason so many of us become people-pleasers. Do any of these resonate for you?

1. Fear of rejection or abandonment

One of the core fears human beings share is the fear of rejection or abandonment. We all express this fear in different ways and filter the fear through different lenses, but it lives within all of us. We are wired for connection and want to avoid criticism. When you bump up against a situation that triggers this fear, you feel it in your bone marrow. It feels like a threat to your survival. On a deeper level, it threatens your essence and identity. But what is it we’re really afraid of?

On a cognitive level, we may be afraid that rejection will confirm our worst fear—that we’re unlovable, have little value or worth, or will be alone forever. These thoughts can make us agitated and anxious, and if they spin in our mind, we can spiral into the depths of existential crisis. Cognitive-based therapies can help us identify these disastrous thoughts and replace them with healthier thought patterns. Chapter 9 shares ways you can create a healthier environment for yourself inside your mind.

We may fear rejection because we are averse to pain and unpleasant experiences. Being human, we long to be accepted and wanted. It hurts to be rejected or experience loss, so we avoid this hurt in a multitude of ways—some obvious, some subtle. Rejection avoidance comes in many forms: 

• Trying to please everyone—hence this book!

• Withdrawing and not asking for help

• Not expressing our true feelings

• Cutting people off at the first sign of conflict before they can reject us

• Avoiding new opportunities

• Putting on a disingenuous public persona that hides “the real you”

• Not speaking up

• Behaving in a passive/aggressive way to avoid facing rejection head-on

While these behaviors may help you avoid the short-term pain of rejection, they can lead to long-term problems in your relationships and a sense of loneliness. For tips on how to stop caring what people think of you, visit Chapter 7.

2. Fear of conflict or anger

Conflict avoidance is a people-pleasing behavior that arises out of a fear of upsetting others. The tendency to avoid conflict can be traced to growing up in an environment that was dismissive, hypercritical, or explosive. People who deal with conflict in this way walk on eggshells—expecting negative outcomes and having a hard time trusting the other person’s reactions. In this situation, even voicing your opinion can become unnerving. Though it might seem like avoiding conflict and being the “nice one” is the best course of action, in the end, you are hurting yourself and your relationships. When you dismiss your legitimate feelings in favor of being “nice,” you store frustration in your body, which can lead to a variety of health issues. A study conducted in 2013 found that bottling up your emotions can lead to an increased risk of premature death and death from cancer. Yikes….

Not only does avoiding conflict affect your physical health, it can affect your mental and emotional health and your intimacy with others. When you suppress your true feelings to avoid conflict, you cut off honest communication with others. This can lead to loneliness and depression—feeling like there is no one in the world who understands you. But how can anyone understand the true you when they are never allowed to see it? In Chapter 8, we go over ways to say “No,” set boundaries and deal with conflict in a productive, healthy manner.

3. Fear of criticism or being disliked

Nobody enjoys being criticized or disliked, particularly people-pleasers. We hold other people’s good opinions of us in high regard, and think that accommodating everyone else will shelter us from criticism. That’s rarely the case. If you don’t voice your concerns and speak your truth, people will assume you’re happy to go along with whatever they want. They’ll also assume that you’ll accept disrespectful behavior. People-pleasers then become an easy target for other people’s dissatisfaction and nastiness. When we overestimate the importance of the opinions of others in this way, we hand our personal power over to them. Dreading other people’s negative opinions makes you feel trapped—like you can’t show your fallible, authentic self. You hide behind a mask of niceness, and have a hard time separating your self-worth from your actions. Because you place importance on other people’s opinions and spend time and energy trying to win them over, criticism can feel overwhelming. In Chapter 7, we go over ways you can stop caring so much about what other people think of you and set yourself free.

4. Fear of losing control or not being needed

People-pleasers need to be needed, believing it’s their responsibility to make everyone around them feel better. Because our self-worth is tied to other people’s happiness, when we make them feel better, we feel in control and like we’re needed. On the flip side, if we cannot make someone feel better, we feel we’ve let them down. For myself, I’d become anxious if I couldn’t soothe someone or help them. I’d absorb their negative energy, making it my responsibility to deal with it. Little did I know I was trying to control their emotional state so I could feel better.

But this isn’t our responsibility. We’re not meant to carry the emotional burden of the people around us. Nor are we meant to overstep to fix everything for everyone. It’s an exercise in futility that leaves us feeling burnt out and taxed. The sky won’t fall if you can’t help someone. You don’t have to rush in and save the day, losing yourself in someone else’s business. You can only control your side of relationships. Once this knowledge sinks in, you can release your hold on the emotions of others and hold space for others while staying grounded in your own energy.

In Chapter 3, we explore the dynamics of codependency, and throughout the book we’ll discuss a multitude of healthy ways we can relate to each other.

The Underlying Causes of People-Pleasing

In order to stop being a people-pleaser, you need to understand the underlying causes of the habit.

• Poor Self-Esteem: Because of a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers seek external validation and think that doing things for others will win their approval.

• The Need to Please: People-pleasers agree to things they don’t agree with or say “Yes” to things they don’t want to do because they are concerned about what the other person will think of them if they don’t. The need to please stems from a need to control outcomes and other people’s opinions.

• Perfectionism: Wanting to make everyone around you happy stems from the need to have everything be perfect, from your performance to how others think and feel... all of which boils down to control.

• Painful Experiences: Painful or traumatic experiences can cause one to slip into people-pleasing behavior. Abuse survivors, for example, may default to being agreeable and pleasing others to avoid triggering others’ abusive behavior. One might also turn to people-pleasing to avoid being reprimanded at work, which compounds poor self-esteem and triggers a perfectionist response.

The good news is there are solutions to break free of the habit of people-pleasing and to live a life of balance, fulfillment, and peace. That’s what I plan to show you in this book.

Let’s Break It Down:

I am sharing everything here with the intention that it will be used as a tool for expanding your awareness and empowering you. Having people-pleasing tendencies is not a reason to beat yourself up—and it is not a life sentence. I want you to see this behavior for what it is, so you can become aware of when you slip into people-pleasing patterns, and choose something different in the moment. This book is about taking responsibility for yourself; building a better life for yourself. You are the only one who can do that. The good news is that you are more than capable of doing this for yourself!