I was delusional.  My heart belonged to him without him even trying much.  I thought he loved me.  I felt I could change him.  But he didn’t love me like he claimed he did.  His mouth said one thing, his actions another.  I intentionally blinded myself to what he was doing.  He had hurt me before, but I had forgiven him.   I ignored his actions, thinking my love could do enough to make him want to be different.  One thing about a man who is allowed to keep doing wrong is that he will never change.  Sometimes, we allow people to keep us in a box we were never meant to fit in.  We love with our everything, yet we’re giving our love to the wrong person.  You can love the right way, but the wrong person.  I was delusional in ignoring myself to almost my detriment and demise.  Oh, but the discoveries I made.   Want to hear about them?  Join me on this journey of former delusions, and the healing and freedom from saying no more.    

“That though the heart is breaking, happiness can exist in a moment also. And because the moment in which we live is all the time there really is, we can keep going.”

-Zora Neale Hurston

*To be clear, this book does not go from the first of the year to the end of the year.  It goes from June 14, our wedding date, to June 14 of the next year.  Thought you may need a little context so you don’t get confused.*

*This is a true account of events.  Certain events were left out due to privacy and protection.  The same goes for names. 

*If you want to tie the entire story together, you can read “I’m Still Standing Here” and “My Forever Angel”

Year 2

So…to find the story of how we met, you must read my book “My Forever Angel”.   I’m not going to relive that part, because technically that was Year 1.  Year 2 will deal with what happened after that.  Year 2 started on June 14, 2009.  I was getting ready to get out of the military.  My time was almost up.  I had gotten in trouble for “lying” about finding some stupid special paper for an award to be printed (I looked for the paper, asked who I was supposed to ask, and I did what I was supposed to do).  Someone was receiving an award in my office, and I was asked to pick up the special paper the printed award was being given on.  I was called a liar and a whole lot of other things.  I was sent to Captain’s Mast (like going to see a judge).   The whole debacle was crazy and I didn’t understand why I was being accused of something I didn’t do.  

I didn’t care anymore once I was found guilty.  One thing about it, I had just gone through something extremely traumatic.  I had just lost a whole child.  I had just buried him a few months before.  Did they care?  No.  I blame myself for not walking away from my husband and the Navy.  I should have asked for a medical retirement, but I thought I was stronger than that.  I was stupid.  I went through the whole system and was still called a liar when I explained that I wanted to stay and why.  I gave up.  Then my husband said he called and pleaded for me to be able to stay in.  Yet I was told no one in my Navy office received a phone call.  Strike twenty of however many at that point with him.  I had to come up with a plan for when I was out.  I was willing to work a job, but I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  With the way his jobs were, with more of his jobs being temporary, that wouldn’t be possible.  So I started job hunting.  That was an absolute disaster.  The only jobs that wanted to hire me were looking for someone to do sales and marketing, and I didn’t want to deal with people anymore on that level.  I wanted to give up so bad.  

Amid it all, I still wanted to have another child.  Stupid, I know.  I wanted to try again in my marriage.  I didn’t want it to be a failure in yet another marriage. I put my everything into it.  I forgave him for what happened before.  I wanted my son to have a family.  So we tried again for another child.  I’m not going to lie though.  I lived in a huge fear.  I worried that the same thing that happened to my second son would happen again.  At the same time, I was scared to talk to a doctor about it beforehand.  I knew how the military would look at me.  I didn’t want them in my business like that, as they had already failed me once.  I would never give them that chance again.  My heart wanted another child too.  I knew that baby would never replace the one I lost.  I was still broken over that.  

I finished my time in the military, realizing that we now had to find a place to go.  We moved in with his mom for a little while, but that was not the place to be, as we had already lived with her before and wanted to continue indepently living on our own.  We moved into a hotel until we could find a place.  My oldest son was glad to be starting school.  I was hoping he would do better because preschool was not the best for him.  He had an issue with women being in charge because of abuse that happened when he was younger from what was supposed to be a family member.  I was concerned if he would be able to adjust.  The military suggested that he have counseling, but their counseling services were awful.   They were more concerned about the issues affecting my job, over him getting help.  My hope and prayer was that the new school year wasn’t going to be as full of issues.

We moved into the hotel right before the school year started.  I had received my DD 214 (the paper that said I was released from my duty to the military) and was free.  I found out that Veteran Affairs was offering a program called Post 9/11, a program for Veterans to go to school that offered more time than the Montgomery GI Bill.  I decided to sign up and encouraged my husband to sign up, as he was also a veteran.  I figured it would be great to earn a degree and get paid simultaneously.  Plus, there was the offer of an advance for starting, which we couldn’t pass up.  It was enough money to help and put a deposit down for an apartment.  What I wasn’t expecting was the surprise that came next.

So, I woke up sick for a few days before receiving our advance.  I didn't think much of it, as I had been under so much stress, and I had experienced medical issues in the past.   I figured it wasn’t that serious.   My husband told me I was pregnant, and to take a test.  I know that had to be a lie.  There was no way I was pregnant.  Took the test.  It was blatantly positive.  I was in shock, but I was excited and scared too.  Not knowing what happened medically to my son.  Also, knowing what my husband had done the first time. There was a part of me that just wouldn’t trust him anymore.  I should have listened to it.  Some time passed, and I had found an obstetrician.  Because my husband was not working as much, I figured he could come to the appointments with me and be more involved.  That didn’t happen.  I had my pregnancy confirmed and my first appointment by myself.  I returned home, and he headed to work after we argued.  His laptop was open.  I looked at it, and it was unlocked.  His MySpace was open, and lo and behold, he was messaging the same ex that was a problem the first time.  I confronted him, and he claimed he let a friend get on his laptop, and that it was him that contacted her from his (my husband’s) page.  I tucked the info away.  I knew in my heart he was lying.  

School eventually started for us, and it was a rocky start.  We were still living in a hotel and applying for an apartment.  We also had to ensure my son was arriving at school on time.  We managed to pull things together. None of our classes were together, considering that I was going to school for Information Technology and he was going to school for Criminal Justice.  He and I made sure we always met for breaks and lunch.  I noticed this little Caucasian girl who started to hang around him a lot.  She was like a little puppy.  Everywhere he went, there she was.  She had a pronounced disdain for me, which almost got her knocked out a few times.  Several friends I had made had to make me walk away a few times.  It was just the first semester of school, and all hell was already breaking loose.  I asked him to deal with the issue more than once.  I even confronted the young lady and let her know that as his wife, which she knew I was, her actions were disrespectful and that his actions were also.  Neither of them seemed to care.  His teachers even got on his case about how he was acting.  He claimed she was going through some things with an abusive boyfriend, and he was just trying to help.  One morning, she called at 1 a.m.  He took the call and then said he taking her somewhere.  It took him almost 3 hours to come home.  He went straight to sleep, with no explanation.  I tucked it away in my mind. Yes, I know.   I gave him too many chances.  I loved him way more than he deserved. 

We continued the rest of the semester with him still giving her attention.  They had a school project, and somehow he became the gangster in the video their group was creating, and she was playing his girlfriend.  There was nothing I could do about it, but I was at every taping of the video.  I was just tired of it all.  I was very pregnant, so my attitude was already off the charts.  Once again, she called him in the middle of the night, this time to supposedly take her to the bus station so she could leave town.  He took hours to come home, then wanted to touch me when he arrived back.  Ummm….no sir.   You didn’t even take the time to wash the stench of her off of you.  I’m not going to lie.  I was glad she was gone.  And no, that didn’t excuse to absolve him of his issues.  I wanted to keep pressing forward though since our son would be arriving soon.  

Being pregnant had me always hungry.  We would stop at Hardee's by the school for breakfast.  We always ate biscuits and gravy with coffee.  Decaf coffee for me.  I couldn’t do the orange juice because it makes me itch.  After school, we would find a restaurant to go eat at.  My friend would most of the time ride with us, then we would bring her back in time for her to catch her bus, or just take her home.