DEALING WITH THE WHEEL OF EMOTIONS
For almost 46 years, I’ve taken it for granted that I have no control over my emotions. Very much like going fishing; you know that the lake or the sea is populated with various species of fish, but you never know what you'll catch. I’m vegetarian, so this example is purely metaphorical, but it works nonetheless.
I’ve been used to living my life pretty much at the mercy of my emotions. A tough situation at work would generate stress, anxiety, disappointment, fear of rejection, or any other kind of negative emotion that might arise in a work context. It didn't end with the workday, though. Once at home, a different set of emotions would hit me; love, disappointment, sadness, gladness, fear, all related to home life. For so many years, I felt like a small ship sailing on the Ocean, powerless against the waves and currents. Such was my relationship with my own emotions; I was at their mercy.
When I was young, my mother suffered from a disease that eventually took her life. I remember it like it was yesterday; the anxiety that I felt every time she came home after a treatment with my father always looking after her. The whole situation was painful, and the emotions that I grew up with were mostly negative.
At age 46, 4 years into my meditation practice, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to learn more about emotions, what they are, and how they are created. I felt uneasy knowing that I couldn’t control them, especially when the cause involved family and friends. I grew tired of the emotional shocks that hit us as a family during the pandemic, not to mention those that I bring with me as heavy luggage from my childhood.
So, I grabbed a few books and started to read up, trying to get a better understanding of my emotions. I tried to find a way to master them, and make them work for me, instead of derailing me emotionally and sapping my precious brain power, and with it, my time. I’m sure you can relate; when you have an argument with a loved one, do you remain calm and focused, or does your mind start wandering and ruminating? I’m certain it’s the latter.
So, where did I start? The first thing first I learned about was the wheel of emotions and the classical view.
Basically Dr. Plutchik argues that all human emotions can be represented on a wheel, very similar to a color wheel, where the eight basic emotions are positioned opposite one another. This wheel shows us the full spectrum of human emotion, allowing us to see the varying combinations and intensities of emotions we might experience.
For our purposes, the important part of this theory is that, according to psychologist and best-selling author Paul Eckman, the eight basic emotions are universal. They can be understood by anyone, even people that live in the most remote areas of the Earth. Eckman[2] studied a tribe in New Guinea, showing them pictures of actors simulating the eight basic emotions. The subjects were tasked with matching the images to short definitions of these emotions.
In this way they demonstrated that the tribespeople know the basic emotions, and as such, the scientists determined that these emotions and their markers are universal and innate. If you smile, you’re happy. If you cry, you’re sad. If you scream, you’re scared. But common sense tells us that there’s more than that, especially when we consider that those indigenous New Guinean research subjects were primed. By showing them cards containing a picture and the definitions of the emotions and asking them to associate the face with the right emotion, the researchers were, in fact, priming them. The research subjects had no room for defining those pictures in a different way to the definitions given by the cards.
It’s the same process we use to teach our children what horses and cows are. We show them a card with a picture of a cow on it. We show another card with “cow” written on it and we ask the child to associate the name with the picture. Very often we accompany the process with sounds so to stimulate another sense and make the association complete. We’re de facto priming our children with the code we, humans, decided to use to define a cow; “cow” and not “woc.”
After all that, however, I hadn’t found any answers to my question: how do I cultivate the emotions that can sustain me and how I do master them?
Emotions Are Constructed
I wasn’t discouraged. I knew that there was more and so I read in a single sitting what Northeastern University professor of psychology, Lisa Feldman Barrett, author of How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, had to say.
Firstly, what impressed me was the clarity with which she explained very difficult medical concepts. I’m grateful to her for that. Thanks to her straightforward explanations of such difficult concepts, I grasped the core of her scientific reasoning.
Emotions are constructed by our brain.
Read that again.
Emotions are constructed, they’re not something that we experience passively. They are guesses.
How are they constructed? Well, here we need to dive into the science. Let’s do it together. According to Professor Feldman Barrett, our brain is essentially a data processor, which works to keep us alive. What data does the brain process? External data, to begin with.
Whatever happens around us is transmitted to the brain through our senses. We know perfectly well when we are in a bakery, thanks not only to the visual cues, but equally to the smell of the baked bread, which humans are so sensitive to.
The other series of data our brain processes are internal data; how we are breathing, and our blood pressure, for instance. And finally, it processes data from the past. Upon reading this, I wondered "why the past? What does the past have to do with what I’m experiencing right now?"
While the processing of internal and external data made perfect sense to me, I had a really discomforting feeling at this point in my reading. What I learned was that the brain uses past experiences to predict what might be going to happen and hence prepares the body for the predicted situation. Emotions are guesses.
Let’s look at an example. What do you feel when you see a dentist's chair? if you feel unease, it might mean that you have had experiences in the past that were emotionally negative; fear, pain, or constriction for example. So how does the brain react to this? Every time you plan to go to a dentist it starts flooding you with those emotions. The brain wants to keep you out of harm's way; that’s its way of protecting you.
If this is true, it means that we have some sort of control over our emotions. We know, at the very least that our brain constructs them according to experiences in similar situations. Our brain is a fantastic prediction machine. It tries to make sense of our predicament in the best way possible, drawing from the infinite resources of our subconscious memory. And the layers build on each other and reinforce themselves.
The more negative thoughts we have, the more negative the experience and the emotions. Why? Because our brain will paint the reality we’re in with the colors of negativity, resulting in a compounding effect. And so, we begin to see the danger of letting our negative thoughts run wild.
Negative emotions come from negative thoughts
Jane has literally all that one person can ask for. A great, well-paid job, a beautiful family, tons of clothes, shoes, cars, and a couple of beautiful houses. Despite her good fortune, Jane complains incessantly about everything. She believes the world conspires against her, and thanks to that belief, she ends up experiencing situations that reinforce that notion and, consequently, the emotions that come along with it; the discouragement, rejection, sadness, defensiveness, and hopelessness
Our brain is a target research system. Once you start “commanding” it with precise thoughts, it will do all it can to deliver on those orders. Beliefs play a key role here. If you're interested in the topic of negative beliefs, check out my previous book: From Agony to Bliss: Turn Your limiting Beliefs into Limitless Success.
This links back to Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett's research. As we know, the environment and our past experiences play a central role in determining the quality and the intensity of our emotions. The emotion we feel is created not by the event itself, but by the way we interpret it.
How many times have you seen your boss giving you or some of your colleagues a hard time? How many times have you noticed colleagues reacting in vastly different ways, either shrugging it off, or making a tragedy out of it? It's not just about environment, but also about family and friends, experiences, and life events; they all have an impact on your beliefs and more importantly on the polarity of those beliefs. As presented in From Agony to Bliss, events are just events. They are neutral. The meaning that we give to them determines whether they are negative or positive, and the emotion we assign to them is based on this interpretation.
For example, let’s assume you study for one whole semester for an exam, but the outcome is not the one you hoped for, what do you do? Do you start blaming yourself, the school, the traffic, or the government for the outcome, or do you see it as an opportunity to learn more about the subject and come back stronger?
I developed an attitude that helps me convert any bad event into wood for my fire for success. I just want to get back stronger. But, if you opted for the former, don't despair. I’ll show you how to switch your thinking to get the best out of life. On the contrary, if you’re part of the lucky ones who see failure as an opportunity to better yourself, then I’ll show you how to master those innate skills.
Negative emotional blocks come from the past
Everyone experiences emotional blocks at some point in their life. and let’s face it, who hasn’t felt anxiety before a test or a job interview or a date? They can come from a variety of sources, but one of the most common sources is past experiences. If you've experienced negative emotions in the past, it's likely that those emotions are still impacting your life today.
Dr. Bradley Nelson, author of The Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions for Abundant Health, Love, and Happiness, suggests that trapped emotions are the consequence of events that created a strong emotional tension that we weren’t able to process in the moment. When this happens, that tension becomes trapped and starts manifesting through physical pain or psychological hurdles.
This theory ties into that of Prof. Lisa Feldman Barrett about the body budget that our brain tries to keep in balance. The brain controls our body with several systems, so it's easier to think of the brain as the one that drives the body's budget. It organizes resources so that the body gets all the resources needed, oxygen, salt, magnesium, potassium, etc. Hence, the brain takes care of what the body needs as the financial center of the body and keeps it in balance.
The two most expensive things the brain needs to account for are moving the body and learning. So, the brain makes decisions about what to spend and when. Sometimes it spends immediately, for instance, exercising or learning or talking to people we disagree with, where we spend a lot metaphorically.
It estimates the needs of the body and uses the resources for those estimates, and it does this 24/7 from the day you were born to the day you pass away. The brain runs this budget for the body, and we are unaware of it happening. We feel calm from the outside but internally, there is a lot of drama going on, heartbeats, breath rhythm, etc. Every step of the way, our brain regulates our body to try to cope with new situations, using our past experiences for guidance.
Sometimes, the level of effort the brain needs just to manage what we’re doing withdraws a lot from the budget, and if we don't allow the brain and the body enough time to recover, through healthy food, good sleep, and mindful meditation, then the unbalance might lead to physical pain or, worse still, brain disorders.
I agree with both writers. Negative emotional blocks can result from past experiences and events and they can become limiting beliefs that will condition your life forever. However, saying that negative thoughts and emotions come from past experiences only narrows it down a little bit; there are plenty of encounters that can leave us with lasting limiting beliefs. As already mentioned, for many people, a major source of negative thoughts and emotions is the people who were in your life when you were growing up. Now, you could blame your parents for these emotional blocks, but that's not really taking responsibility for your own life.
The only person who is responsible for how you think and what actions you take is you.
We all have had experiences in our childhood where we didn't get what we wanted, or we had to listen to conversations or discussions that we would rather have avoided. However, the effect that these experiences had on us was a result, not of the events themselves, but rather of the way we chose to think about them.
For example, when a little boy doesn't get what he wants from his parents, he may not have been taught how to deal with strong emotional impulses. As such, he may become upset and blame his parents, instead of focusing on the real reasons why he didn’t get that toy. He might even come to think that money is evil, if he is told that a lack of money is what prevented him from having the toy he so wanted.
If he experiences this same situation repeatedly, he will be on track to create a strong limiting belief about money and his own self-worth. And so, the way he thinks about things will affect the rest of his life. One day, I remember working out and one of the teachers told me I would suffer from back pain when I grew up. I believed him, and when I turned eighteen, I started suffering tremendous back pain. One day, I returned to that memory and realized nothing was scientific about his words and himself. He just gave me a spell. I decided to believe him, and the spell became a reality. Of course, since I realized this, I didn't have any back pain anymore.
In his book, Dr. Nelson teaches a powerful and yet simple method that can help with removing trapped emotions. I strongly advise you to check it out if you feel that this is an area that you need to improve on.
Deal with negative emotions and blockages
Negative emotions and emotional blocks can be dealt with very quickly if you're able to stamp them out before they take root in your subconscious. Going back to the example of the kid in the previous chapter, we saw how he was forming a limiting belief out of emotional stress. Another example we adults tend to experience is job interviews.
Let's say you begin to feel nervous about going into a job interview after thinking of all the ways that it could go wrong. If you get to the interview and the interviewer asks you a question you don't know how to answer, that could set off another round of negative thoughts. Again, if they aren't cut out early, then they become limiting beliefs. We need to change our thinking before it’s too late, both to prevent them from becoming emotional blocks, and so we can continue with the interview and give ourselves a chance at getting this job.
Focusing on the negative will send you spiraling. Rather, if you focus on what it would mean if you got the job, you'll be able to steer away from your negative thoughts, which will affect the rest of the interview in a positive way. Soon enough, everything that was going wrong will start going right, and you won't be worried about being nervous because you'll be thinking about the prospect of your imminent success.
You may hear all kinds of negative thoughts in your head when you get nervous or stressed out. For instance, you might tell yourself that you are bad at interviews or that it's not worth doing because you won't get the job. The more attention you give to these thoughts the more power they have over your actions and your behavior.
Don't talk yourself out of opportunities by thinking that you aren't capable or that it's not even worth trying. When you have negative thoughts, combat them with positive ones before they take root and turn into limiting beliefs.
If you still feel like you aren't able to remove your blocks, then it's time to try Dr. Nelson's method for removing trapped emotions. His technique is centered around the concept that emotions are “energy-in-motion,” and need to be released. We are capable of that. In fact, our brain and our body are good at processing all that happens to us during the day. Sometimes, though, we get into situations that are too much for our brain to deal with and, in order to survive, we bury them in our subconscious.
Sooner or later, we forget about it and keep living our lives, yet the emotion is there, and it absorbs our mental resources and eventually manifests in the form of a phobia or illness. Our body exudes an electromagnet field that extends 6 inches in all directions. This field is crossed by meridians, and each meridian influences one or more of our organs. What’s so cool about that? Well, according to Dr. Nelson, we can release those trapped emotions simply by rebalancing the electromagnetic field of the meridian involved. Don’t worry, you can find a chart of the meridians in the book’s resources section so that you can practice safely.
Question is, how do we know what trapped emotion is preventing us from acting? Better still, how do we know whether there is just one trapped emotion, or when we trapped It, or whether it is something we inherited? I hear you. I asked myself the very same questions while researching for this book. Let’s go back to the source: Dr. Nelson.
While our conscious mind can perform a limited number of tasks–very often are all executive activities, such as getting jobs done–our subconscious has infinite resources and stores everything that happens in our lives. By muscle testing, Dr. Nelson argues that we can ask our subconscious whatever we want and get feedback. The feedback we get can direct us to the emotion that is causing our block or preventing us from living the way we want to.
For more on this matter, see The Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions for Abundant Health, Love, and Happiness.
Stop negative emotions and blockages from taking root
It's much easier said than done, of course, but we are all perfectly capable of stopping negative thoughts from becoming limiting beliefs by simply changing our thinking. The trick is to focus on the positive, instead of giving attention to negative thoughts and emotions.
Imagine for a minute that you are in a room with ten people of varying levels of intelligence. Some of them are smarter than the others, but they all have the same number of eyes, ears, and limbs. The only discernable difference between them is their level of intelligence, and their level of intelligence depends on how they use their faculties.
The smartest person in this room should be able to solve problems much faster than the others because they use their brain for solving problems instead of worrying about other things. If everyone had the same level of sense but one person's brain was being used for worrying instead of solving problems, do you think that person would be able to solve problems as quickly as the others?
No! What separates people is not their level of sense but how they use it. This is important because when your negative thoughts start turning into beliefs, it's because you are giving them more attention. The trick to stopping this is to challenge negative thoughts and emotions by giving them less importance in our brains.
For example, let's say you started thinking about all the things that are wrong with your career right now. You start worrying about money, how far you are from reaching your goals, etc. Then more negative thoughts come into play; you start to think "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough", "I don't have the skills I need," and so on.
If you challenge these thoughts by asking yourself, "do I know for sure that X is true? Are these really facts? Why would this be happening now and why to me? What can I learn from this?" then you will see how little weight these negative thoughts carry and how much more confidence you really have.
In my book, From Agony to Bliss, I recommended the RADSI model for getting rid of limiting beliefs. It’s a simple model that I use to get past all those self-imposed blockades that add nothing to my life but pain and hours of wasted time.
Here is how it works. Firstly, let's look at what RADSI stands for:
Recognize, Attack, Describe, Stop, Investigate.
Recognize First things first, I’ve trained myself to recognize when a limiting belief is operating. I can recognize this when it happens because often when I feel sad, I instantly regret the quality of my thinking. The thing about limiting beliefs is that they tend to be very short phrases that you coin without reason. You try to justify to yourself an imagined failure that otherwise would pass unnoticed.
“This meal is too salty; I’m bad at measuring ingredients; I always ruin what I cook,” or, “I should have baked it one minute longer; I’m hopeless at baking; all my cakes turn out awful.”
If you think about it rationally, one minute more or less when a cake has been baking for an hour is irrelevant. The cake will surely be edible and tasty. Even though these are only perceived “failures”, they still leave us with a sense of sadness, and that’s a big red flag that there’s a limiting belief being formed. You get all Bs instead of all As, and so you feel like a total failure. You say things like, “I’m no good, I can't remember what I learn, and so I fail all my tests.”
Attack What do you do next? Get ready for battle. Counter your limiting and self-sabotaging thoughts. Think about how much your kids, friends, or partner like what you cook. See whether people complain about the supposedly salty meal, or criticize you about how long you baked your cake for. Recognize that you performed in the top quartile, and nobody got all Bs or As. Think of your accomplishments that directly contradict your limiting beliefs. Remember them, and smile whilst doing so.
Describe Next, try to describe why you have that nagging feeling—the feeling that the cake should have been baked for longer, or that the meal should have been less salty. Rationalize it. Say something like, “The new oven has a slightly lower heating power than the old one,” or, “The salt is saltier than usual, at least I feel it tastes that way today.” By doing this, you’re delimiting the causes of your perceived failure to very specific factors. There’s nothing immutable about your ability to cook.
Stop Resolve to stop thinking negatively about what happens to you. Block the negative thoughts by thinking the opposite: “I’m a great cook,” or “Everybody likes my cakes.” You can also stop thinking and start singing a song, or repeat to yourself how good you are, or how much people like you. When you’ve got to face a stressful situation – such as an important meeting, an exam, or a presentation – the old adage of “fake it till you make it” still applies.
Investigate Ask questions about why you have that sabotaging thought. Where does it come from? Who told you that? What’s the science behind it? When did you learn it? Is the source reputable, factual, honest, or skilled? The more you question a limiting belief, the easier it’ll be to overcome it. Often, the answers to these questions reduce the importance of that belief. You realize that the source had no scientific basis, or that the knowledge on which you based the thought is no longer correct because new science has emerged on that subject. Ask, and you shall receive!
Once you’ve completed the RADSI process, you’re invited to welcome in your new belief. Applaud yourself for your success, and revel in both that and your new belief. I feel a sense of relief every time I go through this process; it feels good, and I invite you to try it right now. Choose an area of your life that you want to improve and identify a limiting thought that often comes up and keeps you from acting. Go through the RADSI process and see how transformed you’ll feel at the end.
When you let these emotions run their course without challenging them, they will turn into beliefs that hamper your success. A positive thought is not going to be as powerful as a negative belief, so it's better to start recognizing the difference between a positive emotion and a limiting belief.
The next time you feel like these negative thoughts and emotions are becoming limiting beliefs, start challenging them by asking yourself questions that challenge their validity. This is the only way to separate a positive thought from a limiting belief because creating empowering emotional states requires action, while challenging a negative emotional state requires thinking.
Use fear and anxiety to your advantage
Negative emotions can be used to your advantage. When you feel fear and anxiety, it usually means that you are about to either face or do something you find challenging at that moment in time. Instead of running away from the feeling, embrace it, because this is your cue that there is some type of change coming in your life. Often, when you feel stretched, you are forced to develop your skills, be they hard skills, soft skills, or both. A particularly difficult task at work; a challenging, life-threatening situation; a sports competition. Everyone can relate to this, because life happens, and our next challenge is just around the corner.
You can use fear and anxiety to your advantage by looking for ways to grow from scary or anxiety-inducing situations, instead of shying away from them. The more challenging the task, the more it will help you to develop. Fear is an emotion that tells us when we are about to do something really challenging, but at the end of the day, it's only an emotion; it's not the truth.
Remember that you are much more powerful than your emotions let you feel. The mind is a very powerful tool, but if you let your emotions run wild, then they will end up running your life. As such, always seek the seed of positivity.
As we’ve just learned, the best way to combat negative emotions is by challenging them. When you feel fear or anxiety, it usually means that there are changes coming in your life, and this can be used as motivation for change if you know how to channel these feelings into empowerment. So remember; the more difficult the task, the greater reward, and you are much stronger than your emotions suggest.
