Humor & Comedy

Crazy Ass Fucked Up Dreams: Alien Intrusion

By

This book will launch on Feb 1, 2020. Currently, only those with the link can see it. 🔒
Synopsis

You think you're struggling in your relationship?

Suffocating in a dead-end marriage in the middle of bumble fuck Egypt, Mississippi farmer Peter Crinkle wished he could reignite the passion between him and his wife Gloria. Peter was ready to give up completely until an alien invasion put things into perspective. Somebody is getting probed tonight.

Can Peter alone fight against sex-starved aliens?
Will they last the night without help from the police or anybody else?
Could this be the opportunity Peter needs to show Gloria that he could finally be a real man?

With more twists and turns than a roller coaster, Alien Intrusion is a coming of age story about the many hurdles to re-igniting true love again.

The Crazy Ass Fucked Up Dreams series takes a close look at cutting-edge humor writer, Shawna Wyatt’s real-life dreams with - a pinch of unapologetic profanity.  Don’t try to Psycho-analyze these dreams, they’re just too messed up!

The First Encounter

Living on a farm in the middle of nowhere in Mississippi conjures the ideas of peace, relaxation and harmony. That’s assuming you lived on your own. But for Peter Crinkle, who lived with his wife Gloria, it was the opposite.

It was April 10th, 2019, a week away from Peter’s wedding anniversary. Even though they had been together almost a decade, their relationship had deteriorated dramatically. Gloria wanted more from life, excitement and adventure, a good pounding. She yearned for something to really make her feel alive, but Peter just couldn’t seem to accomplish this. He couldn’t live up to her standards, at least not recently. The only logical reason for them staying together was because they lived so far from anyone else. 

Peter was perched on the porch, gazing out into the cornfield, soaking in the fresh country air. It was so vast that he couldn’t see anything for at least a few miles, even for a tall guy like himself. He was a simple guy who likes simple things. He only ever dressed comfortably: a clean shirt, jeans and crocs were all he needed to start his day.

Living so far from the rest of the world - with a wife who had no interest left - Peter felt isolated and alone. All he had to keep himself content were fond memories. Since his wedding anniversary was quickly approaching, all he could think about was how much had changed in the last ten years.

Peter had been accustomed to loneliness his whole life. He was the only child of Charlotte and Philip Crinkle, both originally immigrants from Ireland. He grew up in a mostly isolated rural community and helped work on the farm with his parents. He knew everything there was about the simple life, from harvesting the crops, to looking after the cows, to fertilizing the soil before sowing seeds. The simple life was easy, yet Peter felt unfulfilled. There were no beautiful ladies around, so he often made love to a stolen mannequin called Sarah that he kept hidden in the basement.

The only time he ever had fun was at the bi-monthly barn dance 20 miles north of his home. It was here, almost ten years ago, that he met his future wife, Gloria. She embodied the characteristics of a typical New Jersey girl, someone who lived for the moment and wanted to party all night long. Gloria had no intention of going to the barn dance; in fact, she was actually hitchhiking from state to state trying to get to Florida for spring break. She wasn’t at college, she just wanted to get really wasted and make out with loads of muscled guys with insecurities that she could poke fun at.

Gloria ended up at the barn dance by sheer luck; the trucker she got a ride from was heading there and asked if she wanted to tag along. He was about 100 years old, so she planned on abandoning him once she got there. Gloria had always fantasized about making love with a cowboy, which is why she felt compelled to partake in the barn dance.

It was hard for Gloria to find an attractive guy - the barn was so dimly lit and the horrible folk music playing from a vinyl recorder made it hard to concentrate. It was so different to the robot-fart-sounds in nightclubs she was so familiar with. Then she noticed Peter sat alone, his feet and head moving in time with the awful music. Peter was the least-ugly guy at the barn dance, he was the only one who had all of his teeth. She casually walked past him to get his attention. Peter awkwardly smiled as she turned around.

 “I’m new here.'' stated Gloria, fiddling with her long, brown hair as she engaged in eye contact. Partly to flirt, partly to check that no bugs were there. Peter almost spilled his moonshine all over himself. He had never seen such a confident woman before, especially one that was this large. He couldn’t seem to find the words to speak back. Gloria moved a little closer, “What’s your name, Cowboy?”

“P—Peter”, muttered Peter. He wasn’t sure why this moderately-beautiful woman wanted to talk to him, unless she was a prostitute.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Gloria”, said Gloria, waiting for an invitation to sit down.

Peter scooched over and allowed space for Gloria to take a seat. She jumped at the chance, and sat close to Peter, who now became overwhelmed by the encounter. His nervousness was evident from his legs shaking, though he tried to pass it off as dancing to the music.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” Gloria requested.

“I don’t think there is anywhere else to go.'' sighed Peter.

“What about that field there?” asked Gloria.

“But… there are only cows there.” said Peter.

“Exactly, nobody can hear us from all the mooing,” said Gloria, grabbing Peter’s hand to lead him to paradise.

Peter and Gloria sneaked towards a nearby field without the crowd noticing. They found a dry patch free from cow manure to lie down on. Gloria leapt on top of Peter while his guard was down and had her way with him.

It was the best 2 minutes of his life.

“I think I want to stay here a bit longer,” Gloria confessed. Peter grinned while looking deep into her eyes.

 “I think you should too”.

Peter realized he was in love, and he couldn’t let Gloria go. “You can stay at my place.” offered Pete. “My parents are away at bingo.”

Gloria didn’t think twice about the generous offer. “I don’t know what bingo is, but I would love to stay with you”.

***

Peter smiled thinking about his first encounter with Gloria.

“It was a wild night,” he thought to himself. He was hesitant to leave the porch and re-enter the house, as he knew his wife was likely going to irritate him for the remainder of the day.

He casually entered the lounge to find Gloria. “Maybe she’s still the same fun girl I met on that night.”

“What do you want to do tonight, Sweetheart?” Peter affectionately asked his wife. His fond memories from the night of the barn dance encouraged him to say something. She was so fixated on the TV that she didn’t hear her husband at first.

“Gloria, Sweetheart,” Peter requested again, this time moving an inch closer towards her. Gloria forced her head up and glanced over to Peter.

“I was thinking we could just sit and watch TV,” Gloria replied. She wasn’t interested in doing anything that involves movement.

Peter started to feel a little frustrated; in fact, it was sexual frustration. Every night was the same- Gloria would sit on the couch, sometimes eating potato chips off her chest, while Peter attempted to encourage her into doing something less mundane.

“Well, I have a bottle of wine,” Peter stated, flaunting the bottle around Gloria like a prized vegetable at an agricultural show.

“Oh, just stick it in the kitchen,” Gloria muttered, too involved in her TV show to even bother to look. “How about I stick it up your ass?” Peter replied, “You watch Gossip Sluts every goddamn night, why can’t you for once give a shit and interact with your husband?”

“At least it would touch the sides,” Gloria barked back. She moved her hand along the inside of the couch, desperate to find something to throw at Peter. As she burrowed her hand deep through an available crevice, she discovered a brick. Gloria placed it there several months prior after becoming paranoid from watching too many documentaries about murder. She assumed that in the event of a break-in, she could pull out a brick from the couch and clobber someone in self-defense. Nobody would predict a brick hitting them, so it made complete sense to her.

Gloria picked it up and propelled it across the room, narrowly missing her concerned husband and hitting a framed photo of the Backstreet Boys. Peter was mentally and physically exhausted, Gloria always threw inanimate objects at him, but this time he knew it was serious since it was her “self-defense” brick.

Peter took a deep breath while Gloria resumed watching TV. He immediately started picking up the broken glass while humming Everybody ‘Backstreet's Back’ by the incredible Backstreet Boys. It was during this time that Peter reflected on the last ten years, a sea of thoughts clouded his mind-

Why did I marry her one month after meeting her?

Why did I let her convince me to work at the wiener factory?

Do I really trust her enough to take care of the farm while I’m making serious money?

Why do I give her all the money I earn while she does nothing?

Why do I feel like I’m not good enough for her?

 “We don’t do anything anymore,” Peter erupted in defeat He slow-paced out of the room, his head facing downwards so he didn’t have to engage in conversation with his wife anymore. Peter was ready to go to the basement and fondle Sarah The Mannequin for comfort.

“Wait!” Gloria yelped out. “Can you get me some ice-cream from the kitchen?”

Gloria’s favorite TV show came to a halt, interrupted by important breaking news. Vivid scenes of strange flying objects in the sky filled the small TV screen. Peter curiously peeked inside the room, holding a bowl of ice-cream for Gloria in his hand. Living in the middle of nowhere meant that nothing exciting ever happened, and this was the first time Peter had seen a news flash at all.

“We have just received eyewitness accounts that there are unusual flying objects spotted all over Mississippi,” the reporter calmly explains. “Locals are advised to stay indoors.” The reporter froze for a moment while she received additional information. Peter was frozen in terror, watching the news unfold, and Gloria seemed indifferent, presuming it was an advert for a new TV program.

“It is possible that they are just, in fact, airplanes, as many residents in Mississippi have never been on a plane,” stated the reporter. More images of strange flying objects appeared on the screen. “If you see any of these objects outside, please stay inside,” said the reporter. She was trying to hide her own fear as best as she could. The news report then showed a juxtaposed image of a Helicopter, an airplane, and a drone. “If you see these objects in your area, these are normal, and nothing to worry about,” said the reporter.

“Oh my God,” screeches Gloria. “Has the ice-cream melted already?” Peter rushed over to Gloria and gave her the bowl. She devoured the contents in one slow gulp, like a pelican having breakfast.

“Sweetheart, what if there ARE aliens?” Peter asks, “Maybe we should be prepared.” Gloria’s belly shakes as she laughs. “I have my brick, what have you got?”

Peter looked out of the nearest window suspiciously, worried about the threat of extraterrestrial lifeforms. “I can’t see anything from here, I will have a look from the barn.” he says. Peter finally found a justifiable excuse to exit the room without having to ask his wife’s permission.


***


The weather outside was still perfect; Peter could feel a cool breeze as the sun began to set. He had at least 20 minutes before it turned to night, and it would be much harder to see anything except the stars and the moon. The only way Peter could enjoy going outside more is if Gloria turned down the volume of her TV from inside her make-shift cave.

The barn was a sanctuary to Peter: This was where he frequently came to cry whenever Gloria was mean to him. He never wanted her to see him upset as it aroused her significantly. Peter made his way up a brittle, wooden ladder towards the unkempt loft. The loft wasn’t particularly roomy; it had enough space to fit a mannequin and a full-grown adult. That’s just how Peter liked it. He crouched on his hands and knees and positioned himself in front of the window. He waited patiently for signs of life with a crossword puzzle keeping him company. There was a light switch next to him, but he never turned it on, otherwise Gloria might see him cry and have a tremendous orgasm.

As he gazed out of the upper window of the barn, he made out a strange triangular aircraft about half a mile away. The aircraft split into three parts as Peter’s eyes widened in disbelief.

“Maybe it’s a drone,” he thought, attempting to rationalize what he had just witnessed. When he had almost convinced himself that it was nothing to worry about, another strange-shaped aircraft broke through the clouds and appeared to land vertically within a few seconds of the first. This time, Peter could clearly see it, and concluded that it was not a drone, but maybe something sinister.  

Peter was sure it was aliens. If he learned anything from movies, it’s that they were coming to earth to do butt stuff to humans and abduct heifers. Peter hoped they might take the biggest heifer on his farm - Gloria. He quickly slid down the ladder and rushed to the house to inform his wife of his terrifying observations.

Heavily panting, he entered the lounge where Gloria was licking the ice-cream bowl clean, desperate to save herself from starvation.

“I saw them, I saw aliens!” shrieked Peter.

Gloria looked up, somewhat bemused but attentive. “Where?” she belched, lifting herself off the couch for the first time in 8 hours.

“About half a mile away, maybe closer,” said Peter.

There was a resounding knock on the door. It continued after they had ignored it, growing faster and faster.

Peter and Gloria froze in terror, and quickly grabbed each other in fear. This was the first time in months that they had been physically close. Peter could feel a boner arise, but he quickly thought of naked old people to make it stop.

“It’s the aliens!” screamed Gloria. Peter ushered her to remain silent by placing his man hand over her face.

The knocking continued, louder and louder, until the doorknob started to turn. Peter realized that he had forgotten to lock the door when he had returned from the barn, but by then it was too late. The door flung wide open and they were immediately met with uninvited guests.

About the author

Shawna Wyatt lives in Superior, Colorado - a town whose name is the same as how its residents feel. When she’s not putting out fires or providing medical aid, she spends her time with her two boys and self-proclaimed phenomenal lover, who she makes laugh with her crazy dreams from the night before view profile

Published on December 16, 2019

9000 words

Contains explicit content ⚠️

Genre: Humor & Comedy

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