INTRODUCTION
“You are forgiven.”
Those are the words I heard as I was crying, lying prostrate on my bedroom floor. I was listening to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts just twenty minutes prior. During those days, it seemed like I was always crying. Alone, in my room, car, and anywhere else I was alone. My thoughts were dominated by why my life wasn’t going my way. I had been watching sermons and praying for months, but I felt Jesus wasn’t working.
What happened next was surreal.
Shortly after graduating college, I was forced to face my previously thinly veiled anxiety, inadequacies, and depression, coupled with the understanding that I now had to carry the weight of my own life. No more pre scheduled classes, rubrics, free mental health events, or university-planned festivals. Now, whatever decision I made had to be made with the utmost care, or it would result in me leading an unsuccessful life.
So, naturally, I decided to get serious about my faith. If anyone could help me make it up the ladder of success, it was God, right? I mean, if so many people in my community were saying that, there must be some truth to it. So I started going back to Church, reading my Bible, and listening to teachings online. But there were glaring inconsistencies. Some people claimed they could hear God; others said he doesn’t speak anymore, or, at least, not like he used to. As a baby believer, I began to get confused by the mixed signals. Nevertheless, I continued to work through my Jesus Calling devotional and grappled with conflicting information. I made sure to ask God for forgiveness and repent every day, hoping my daily repentance was working. But I got no answer. I continued to study and read scripture. No answer. I did everything I thought I was supposed to, and still, no response from God.
Adding to my confusion, I came across people who claimed to be Christian participating in what my mother would call “the mystic arts”. They were consulting mediums and psychics for answers and guidance. In my frustration, I grew curious: If someone could tell me the right move and when to make it, I’d gladly hand over my money. So, I started pulling tarot cards and seeing psychics. In my head, I thought that if God didn’t answer me through scripture, I could draw cards and get an answer. Plenty of Christians were doing it, so it must not be wrong.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t as earth-shattering as I had hoped.
If anything, consulting psychics and tarot cards only left me more confused and angry than before. Following confusion came depression and anxiety, ready to take a bat at me. It seemed as if things just weren’t going my way.
One afternoon, while working remotely, I decided to watch another sermon. It was part of a series called Wild Women. Within thirty minutes of the teaching, I felt a burning pull in my chest, like there was a string attached to my heart. I had this weird compulsion to place my head on the floor. At first, I just sat there thinking I was going insane and needed to relax. But that sensation occurred again; this time, it was even more robust. So, I got on the floor and did exactly what I felt. It was then I heard the words “you are forgiven.” I was a wreck, crying and lying on the floor.
As it turned out, those three words were precisely what I needed to hear.
Later, I would learn that lying prostrate on the floor demonstrates humility or being “poor in spirit.” In doing so, I was communicating an understanding of my inadequacies and inability to accomplish my life's purpose alone. I was also proclaiming that I was in a series of crises and needed the leadership of the Lord.
