DiscoverHumor & Comedy

Bad Neanderthal

By Glen Batchelor

Synopsis

Zeezee is a Neanderthal living in 1980's Britain. The Neanderthal were reintroduced by Prime Minister Maggie May to take the place of striking coal miners as they were meek and easy to control but best of all, they had no rights. For this reason they are mistreated or even murdered without recourse. However Zeezee is a police officer who is different to other Neanderthal and he will no longer stand by while his people suffer injustice.

Chapter 1

IT WAS 10 O’CLOCK IN the evening. Zeezee was at home, sleeping, when the phone rang. He reached out and picked up the receiver, “What?” he asked.

“This is Sergeant Alf Hucker from the station. Am I speaking to ZZ4613 Small Chin?”

“Yes. What?”

“You mean, ‘What do you want?’”

“What you want?”

“Jeez, chimp, I don’t need to ask if you’re a Nan. The ignorance of you people...”

Zeezee was a Neanderthal. The Homo Sapiens were too lazy to pronounce this in full so Neanderthal becomes Neander – Nander – Nan.

“What you want?” Zeezee repeated.

“To tell the truth, the honest answer would be to rid the planet of you lot. I’d cut all your bollocks off and curse the day you were re-erected.”

“You mean resurrected and I have only two testicles.”

“What?”

“You said you’d cut all my bollocks off yet I—”

“Shut it, chimp. I’m not going to argue. Let’s keep this teat ah teat short, yeah?”

“You mean tête... never mind. Tell me what you need.”

“Right, chimp, one of your tribe has been killed. Waste of time and tax payers’ money but you’ve got a week to look into it. The monkey was a meter reader and was slaughtered 4.15 in the pm Thursday last, in post code area CV31. Do what you have to and it’ll keep you in peanuts for the next six months.”

“Not eat peanuts.”

“That’s all I have to say.”

Zeezee replaced the dead receiver.

The resurrection came about in the late Seventies when the then incumbent DAISNAID (Do As I Say Not As I Do) party, led by Maggie May, attempted to destroy the trade unions. The Neanderthal people were intended to carry out the more menial tasks while the government attempted to starve trade union members and their families into submission. Now Neanderthals were officially classed equal to the Sapiens by European Union Regulations. This appeased the Inter Species rights people and the Saps. But as Neanderthals were not good with letters they were not allowed in the Police Force proper. Zeezee was known as a Primate Inter Species Support Officer. Officially, he had the same powers as a Sap Officer but unofficially he was ignored.

He clutched a fistful of dried insects from a bowl on the coffee table and tipped them into his mouth. He switched off the light, lay down on his carpet of hay and masticated on insect bodies as he thought about his new case. He’d visit the station tomorrow to collect the details.

December, and outside the air was cold, frigid. Zeezee pulled the front door closed on his one bedroom flat but didn’t lock it. Neanderthals cared little for possessions, although they should have done as their homes were frequently entered by the Saps, not to steal, just to wreck. After scraping the frost from the windscreen of his ancient Polski Fiat he positioned himself behind the wheel. The car was ugly but cheap to run and reliable, much like the Neanderthal. He got the usual stares as he drove – twenty-one years after the resurrection a Neanderthal driving a car, even a Polski Fiat, made some Saps jealous and insecure.

He steered the car into Leamington’s Regent Grove, a circular one-way street populated by Victorian structures. The station was a discoloured tooth in a row of pearly whites; a square, modern building of concrete blocks decorated with dried pigeon crap. Zeezee climbed the three steps which led to the entrance and pushed open the glass door. Sergeant Alf Hucker – seated behind the counter, not bothering to rise – was a hefty man in his fifties. The little hair he still had was the same colour as the bird excrement which adorned the station’s exterior. With his strawberry-red nose and rosy apple cheeks his face resembled a bowl of fruit.

“ZZ 4613 reporting,” said Zeezee.

The sergeant looked up from his copy of Sap Slappers, a mild porn magazine for Homo Sapiens – Zeezee found voyeurism a waste of eye-time and masturbation a waste of sperm. Hucker closed the magazine slowly while considering Zeezee. He spoke from one corner of his mouth while the other corner clamped down on a smouldering cigarette. He didn’t bother with preamble when talking to a Neanderthal. “Found him in the gutter. Nothing taken, probably a hate crime, another Nan kill,” he said, one eye squinting against the unravelling spiral of smoke.

‘Nan kill’ had become a cliché, an all-encompassing phrase to describe any prematurely deceased Neanderthal. “Nothing taken, how you know?” Zeezee asked, looking down at the seated sergeant. Zeezee had no idea how tall Hucker was as he’d only ever seen him seated.

Not used to being questioned by a Neanderthal the officer scowled before explaining in an even monotone. “Money still in the wallet, wrist watch still present; he even had his HHU with him.”

“What is HHU?” said Zeezee, hovering over the sergeant whilst wrinkling his nose, scenting a familiar aroma which seemed out of place.

“Hand held unit. It’s a small computer for in-putting meter readings. Worth a couple of grand I’ve been told. Look, it’s an easy job – don’t make more of it than what it is. You know the situation. A simple ‘slaughter by persons unknown’ will suffice.”

Yes, Zeezee knew the situation: officially they wanted an investigation but unofficially no one was to be arrested or tried for it. “Pictures of crime scene?”

“Pictures?” The sergeant sneered, “It’s a dead Neanderthal. We don’t take pictures of road kill. Now, get you hairy arse out of here and do what you’re paid to do. I’m not Charlton Heston and you ain’t Roddy Mc-bloody-Dowell.”

“Huh?”

“Ape shall not kill ape? Oh, sorry. I forgot your lot don’t do films.”

Zeezee did ‘do’ films. Unlike other Neanderthals he would often watch movies. He wanted to understand the Saps. He also listened to their music – in secret. And played guitar. Not even his fellow Neanderthals knew these things.

“I not ape. I do what I paid to do, you will see. You have no pictures, you say. Then can you describe scene of incident?”

“Jeez, what the hell do you care?”

“And I want to see victim’s body.”

“Ha, ha, you’re a right nugget, ain’t you? I’ve got to give you that. You’re different to the others Nans.”

“You don’t know any others, of that I am certain.”

“You’re right, there. Why the hell should I? Anyway, I’ll see if I can get you an address for the finder and someone to show you the... the body. That’s if it hasn’t been incinerated already.”

It was against regulations to incinerate a body before an investigation had been carried out but Zeezee decided to save his vocal chords for more important transgressions. “No relatives to collect the body, no next of kin?”

“I don’t know,” replied Hucker, expelling an irritated sigh.

“Has there been a press release?”

“Christ, you ache my head. It hasn’t had time to go to press yet. Here,” he said handing over a scrap of paper. “It’s the address of the finder; another Nan by the looks of it, from the Ape Estate.”

Zeezee knew there never would be a press release, either. He took the scrap of paper and read the address. What the sergeant referred to, what all Saps referred to as the Ape Estate, was Gastown. It had been built some fifteen years ago as a temporary home for the resurrected Neanderthal population. It was the site of a former gas works and the Saps were not allowed to live there as the soil was said to be contaminated, but deemed acceptable for Nans.

“ZK3223 Long Brow,” Zeezee said, trying the name. Long Brow was very common. In fact Neanderthals have only three surnames: Small Chin and Broad Nose being the others. His own name was ZZ4613 Small Chin. This was good as a small chin denoted a large penis among Neanderthals.

“OK, I see body now.” He wrinkled his nose once more, “Sergeant, you smell bad. Suggest Brut, maybe Hai Karate.”

At last Zeezee got to see the sergeant out of his chair as the five foot five Hucker rounded his desk to confront him.

“Smell bad, do I?” The sergeant snatched the chit of paper from Zeezee’s hand and rolled it into a ball between his palms. “Suggest Brut! Hai Karate! Well, maybe this will help; you ungrateful pongid!” He lifted Zeezee’s broad nose with his middle finger and thumbed the balled-up paper into his left nostril. He turned back to his desk and snatched up the copy of Sap Slappers, rolled it into a tube before brandishing it. “Smell better? Or do you want some of this?”

Zeezee considered his response for a few seconds before informing Hucker: “Neanderthal not wank. You keep, you need.”

Hucker bit down on the magazine and stamped a foot. “Get out of my sight!” came his muffled scream.

Zeezee did as he was ordered, the balled-up chit still embedded in his nostril.

“And I not pongid; I hominid, same as you.” 

About the author

British writer of horror and humour. I have published three novels and two short story collections. view profile

Published on December 09, 2018

100000 words

Genre: Humor & Comedy

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