REVEREND BEEZER TWELVE WASHINGBEARD
Formal pontificator, esteemed member of the Whig Party, Reverend Beezer Twelve Washingbeard presides over Mt. Olive Zion Baptist First Pentecostal Holiness Worship & Tribute Full Gospel Bible Church. It’s the most powerful church in town. Beezer was Mayor Reynolds’ best friend and they shared a plot of land where they grew pistachios for profit. Strong, deep Southern accent.
Wife of Reverend Beezer Twelve Washingbeard. She is French, she is feisty, and she is always on the prowl for donations to their church. She and Beezer are very much in love and she had a good relationship with Mayor Reynolds. However, sometimes she thought the Mayor called her husband away from home for business just a little too much for her liking. Codependent, much?
DR. GARETH “TENDER” O’MALLEY
Vice-Chair of the Durham County Whig Party; doctor and owner of the Watts Hospital. A very serious man. Some people say his bedside manner is not very good, and they are right, because he usually proclaims patients dead long before they actually are, and pretends not to hear them when they object.
BABY ANNE REYNOLDS
Widow of the deceased Mayor Spurgeon. Trapped in an unhappy marriage; a dreamer, a poet. Resented her deceased husband’s political life and the stresses of being a mayor’s wife. Spurgeon Turgeon Reynolds always made fun of her dreams, saying things like, “You know what, Baby Anne, your dreams are a big pile of shit.” Baby Anne is oddly exuberant. Very southern.
FRAU MARIA DEUTSCHLAND
The Reynolds’ head housekeeper, imported from Germany. A very serious, no-nonsense woman who bosses around the lower chambermaid, Miss Buttercup Horoberkowitz. Her secret hobby is collecting cups from the house, filling them with various levels of water, and playing a concerto on them in the basement. You’d never know she had a soft, artistic side. Frau Maria Deutschland is pretty overweight. Talks loudly, with ze German accent.
The Reynolds’ chambermaid, the lowest servant. A lovely girl, although easily frightened. Inexperienced. Often feels the wrath of Frau Maria Deutschland’s unforgiving hand. She’s simply trying to do the best she can, and while Mrs. Baby Anne Reynolds has always been kind to her, and the Mayor largely ignored her, working under the Frau Maria Deutschland has taken a serious toll.
The Reynolds’ brand new butler. British, proper, and genial. He goes largely unnoticed, and that, he says with a smile, “…is how I prefer it, m’lady! A good butler should be seen not heard!” A great deal of mystery surrounds this man. Or perhaps he’s just a good servant? Quietly and diligently going about his work (in contrast to many others in the Reynolds’ household)?
The Reynolds’ stable boy and a great favorite of Mayor Spurgeon Turgeon Reynolds. Completely oblivious to the times the Mayor made romantic advances upon him in the stable. Really actually misses the Mayor and is not very bright. He tries to pass off that his name is pronounced “Parma-zin,” but no one believes him. Originally from New Jersey.
A pioneer from out west; he just got back from his third trip on the Oregon Trail. Each time is a greater success than the last and he establishes homesteads left and right, for other people, and brings back a bunch of bison meat. That’s how good he is. He often talks about many people he’s killed for the sake of justice in the lawless west. He was even appointed mayor once but turned it down and said, “Nope, I’m a tumbling weed, I gots to move on,” and then he somersaulted just out of sight, behind the general store. He has a western, country accent and a swarthy demeanor. A true leader. Often seen with the Stoozie Boys. The Mayor financed Ben’s trips on the Trail in return for a share of the profit.
BERNIE MAC and CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER STOOZIE
Also known as the “Stoozie Boys.” One plays the guitar, one plays the banjo. Came from a broken home and turned to a life of crime early. Enjoy slapstick comedy that no one else gets nor cares about. Ben Mackerel is their keeper. Like Ben, they have also killed in the name of justice. Their names are Bernie Mac and Cedric the Entertainer. Bernie Mac does all the talkin’ for the duo, like a veritable wild west Penn & Teller.
KYLIE and KENDALL JENNER REYNOLDS
The twin daughters of the Mayor and Baby Anne. They are 18 and hate both their parents in equal measure. Educated in a Canadian boarding school; not allowed to date; idly dumb and rich; in a perpetual state of arrested development. Stand to profit upon their father’s death. Often speak in unison, saying things like, “I HATE YOUR BUTT!” They have high-pitched, annoying, nasally voices. Sound like drunk girls 24/7.
CAPTAIN KENNY HOREHOUND HOUNDSTOOTH
Durham Police Captain. Dealt with Spurgeon Turgeon’s remains but also knew the old bastard in real life. Because of his role in town, he has dirt on just about everybody. He strives to remain neutral, tossing in tidbits of information where he sees fit, guiding the discussion when necessary.
Used buggy salesman. He talks in a low-shouting voice: “I’M SPORT DURST!!” Not the typical wheelin’ and dealin’ kind of salesman. If anything, he’s a bit abrasive and gruff. Maybe that’s why his business does so well. There’s no bullshit when you buy a pre-owned buggy from Sport Durst. And that’s a fact.
CLEOPATRA “JIBBLY JEWELS” JACKSON
Durham’s madame. Aloof, bitter acquaintance of many but true friend to none. Been running a very successful brothel under the guise of the Ass Hat Saloon for the last 20 years. Very private person, but when pushed too far she suddenly explodes.