1.If I had two legs growing out of my back, I could walk and take a nap at the same time.
2.If a billy goat’s name was Billy, that would be like a human being’s name being Human. Maybe that’s the full first name of someone who goes by Hue.
3.What if sewers weren’t nasty like we thought? All this time, it’s just a bunch of people down there buying and selling cotton candy and orchestrating really fun relay races.
4.One time I asked a rabbit for wisdom in the area of business. It didn’t know a whole lot. It went on this long tangent on the history of capitalism and that’s about it.
5.If you are an ancient hero who wants to fly a dragon into enemy territory, don’t make the mistake of trying to hop on a dragonfly. It’s so easy to rationalize how fitting the name is to your desired activity.
6.I can only imagine how utterly relieving it is to a golf ball to be hit into a pond. A safe haven of escape from the constant pounding.
7. Imagine a magician actually going missing right after a trick where he disappears on stage. That would be crazy if the authorities didn’t take this missing person seriously because they just believed he was doing a really long-winded trick…but it’s been like three years.
8.I allot $70 a month in my budget for a locksmith so I purposefully lock my keys in my car to stay on track financially.
9.Having an entire surgical team dressed in hospital gear while serving as groomsmen and bridesmaids in your wedding is a great way to show the wedding guests that you really do care about any surgical needs that may arise during the ceremony.
10.That’d be funny if Iron Man was just a guy who was super good at ironing.
11. What if sweet potatoes were just like regular potatoes, only extra sweet to people…like writing them cards and paying them compliments.
12. If I woke up one day with actual octopus tentacles instead of arms, I would wonder why I only had two and not the usual eight. That would be the main concern.
13. If your name is Jim and you promote going to the gym, wouldn’t people think you’re a bit bias?
14. If you donate plasma, please be careful to keep at least some for yourself.
15. People often use Doritos as an example of an unhealthy food but no one’s challenging the Doritos to quit being unhealthy! Maybe if Doritos acted on some fitness goals they’d turn into name brand veggie chips.
16. Before music could be recorded, did people just have band members follow them around playing music for them? Like at work, while cleaning the house, or going on a jog. Such an interesting time for music and must have been so demanding on the musicians.
17. What would you do if a barbecue beef sandwich asked you to go in with it on a real estate deal? Like seriously, how would you react?
18. I can only imagine how an ant might respond when calmly reading through a list of predators to watch out for….then being utterly, dramatically,and fiercely taken aback at the outrageous revelation of an enemy so curiously named with an unusual and targeting specificity that is oddly and terrifyingly flattering………the ANTEATER.
19. If you said, “Hi,” to a hyena named “Ena” it could get confusing. She might think you were simply pointing out what kind of animal she was.
20. I could defeat a digitally animated grizzly bear in an arm wrestling match if it was in the script for me to win.
21. One time I asked a guy if I could borrow his phone and he thought I said “throne.” It just so happened that he was the king of a very large country. I reigned as king for the next 10 years.
22. I videoed my friend’s proposal and his girlfriend said, “Yes.” I had a friend video a proposal I made at work for new equipment and my boss said, “Why are you recording this?”
23. Music therapy is when music comes in for therapy. Songs, for example, struggle when they don’t set healthy boundaries. They allow streaming platforms to demand 24/7 service from them, which is profoundly unhealthy and ludicrous. Imagine if you were on call non-stop for billions of people at once. It’s a huge problem for music, but music therapy can help.
24. I am so glad I am not responsible for counting all the dust particles in the entire earth.
25. If someone had a fro that barely popped beyond the surface of the earth’s atmosphere into space, it might be considered the largest fro of all time.
26. Have you ever undergone the strenuous effort of gathering an entire family of wild flamingos to join you at a local pizza shop only to discover that the buffet deal you thought was happening was on the completely other side of town? Haha. That’s happened to me so many times.
27. Sharks are mean.
28. If you could buy a car with all your armpit hairs but you knew the pit hair would never grow back, would you do it? But seriously, you may look into some of the local dealers and see if that’s a thing.
29. One time I got mixed up on how to know my age and was thinking each day equated to a year. Just a spur-of-the-moment mix up. I felt super old when a lady pointed out that she was in her 90’s because I thought I was 5,781 years old.
30. Dentists are people too. Never forget that. Seriously, never forget that.
31. If you don’t think you know a lot about a subject, you may know more than you think. If you had to give an impromptu presentation on rattlesnakes, there’s more information than you think already accessible to you. For instance, you could say, “Rattlesnakes don’t know anything about the game of basketball. In fact, they’ve contributed nothing to the sport. Also, Rattlesnakes are not capable of crafting delicious pasta dishes.” See what I mean?
32. Next time you see a famous actor in Wal-Mart, say the following to him or her: “Hey, the only reason I’m not talking to you is so you can have an ordinary experience at Wal-Mart. I’m sure you just wish you could go out and just be normal. That’s why I’ve opted not to say anything to you right now.”
33. If you’re a food reviewer writing about a dish comprised of ground beef and okra called Meaty Okra, be careful when describing it as mediocre. The words “decent” and “average” might cause less confusion.
34. I quit eating buffalo wings when I started to think about how few live buffalo I’ve seen with wings. Flying buffalo are so rare these days and I think it’s due to Buffalo Wild Wings.
35. I would like to find a sculptor who only produces 2D exhibits.
36. I don’t really enjoy going to restaurants with giraffes. They never make it in. I’m always bringing the food out into the parking lot. I wish places would just get taller doors. It’s ridiculous.
37. I used to think all my parents’ sisters were insects who just happened to look very human and only have two legs. Eventually I figured out they were a different kind of aunt.
38. A think chickens should upgrade their services by providing orange juice with their eggs. I mean, cows provide milk with their meat.
39. I like to run errands for very large hippos. It’s a strange preference but it’s just my thing.
40. I find cartoon animals are often more articulate than actual animals.
