“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before—more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” ~ Charles Dickens

I read somewhere that the faint scent of a woman’s tears can reduce sexual arousal in men. What the mother of stupidity are we supposed to do with that? Also, scientists say that animals can’t cry. But crocodiles shed tears when they eat. Chew on that awhile. (I should have deleted this paragraph, but I thought you should know.)

After all that you’ve been through, allow yourself to cry. You may as well allow it. You’re going to do it anyway. Human crying is a safe and effective way to wash away your tears. Find a private crying place and allow yourself to cry long, hard, and unashamedly.

Give yourself permission to let go. Give in. Hurt. Rip your guts out. Feel so miserably alive that you doubt your mortality. You can be dramatic. Scream with your cry if it helps.

The crying process is one of the most important steps to getting over Dick Head. It really works and involves very little effort. You can call it quits when you’ve had enough. Get it done and get it over with.

After the whammy, you are likely to cry effortlessly, unexpectedly, and hysterically off and on. But sooner or later, you do have to stop crying, baby! Truth is: you really can’t decide when. You’ll stop when you run out of tears.

And you will.

So, cry.

If it’s not happening, try these non-scientific crying prompts to get started if (for some crazy reason) you haven’t cried, or you’re out of practice:

·      Make sure you’re not dehydrated (fill up your favorite wine glass).

·      Designate a crying place.

·      Make a crying face:

·      Close your eyes and scrunch your face.

·      Turn the corners of your lips down and force the inner corners of your eyebrows upwards.

DOiT.

If this doesn’t make you laugh, you may be on your way to a good cry. If you have small children near you, at least you will make them cry. (That’s why you need to find some time alone, in your private crying spot.)

Now, open your mouth widely, with the corners of your mouth pointing downward (like Lucille Ball), and make waaaaa crying noises. It may help to get an “I Love Lucy” episode and repeatedly play a scene where she is bawling. Turn up the volume. After ten minutes of this, you should be able to cry.

If the tears still don’t flow, try cutting onions. Put them behind a fan. Put your face in front of it and make a weeping noise into the fan. Ok, that may make you laugh. Either way, you’re making the proper noise. Besides, who doesn’t love wailing into a fan!

Sit under a waterfall and cry for dramatic gushing. If you don’t have a handy waterfall, spend a good 36 minutes in the shower with water running down your face … commit to the tears. Pull it from your soul.

It’s not helpful to curse in the shower when you’re trying to cry. Cursing relieves stress. So does crying. Choose one or the other, unless you’re really good at multitasking.

If you’re not weeping yet, you are hopeless. Insult yourself about your inability to cry. Cry about that!

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but as a last resort for non-criers, poke your eyeball or get someone to kick you in the shin. If you’re still dry-eyed, crying may not be your thing. You may have to enlist someone to DOiT for you.

I hope you have found your crying place and let it all go by now. If so, once you’ve cried as much as you can, and you’d like to stop the incessant relentless weeping and self-pity, avoid your crying place – unless it has become the shower. Then heck, I don’t know what to tell you. Take a bath with a glass of wine, and don’t get back in the shower until your glass is empty. It’s difficult to drink in the shower anyway.

DOiT Journal:

·      When was the last time you cried? 

·      What made you cry?

·      What were you thinking?

·      Was it worth crying about?

·      Why?

·      Why Not? (This is a valid question – answer it)

INTRODUCTION (at the front of the book)

DOiT

A “DOIT” is an obsolete Dutch coin of little value. But when you DOiT, you will gain significant value. That’s why I encourage you to DOiT throughout this Guide to Becoming You Again.

Aside: In the book, Coffee Cups & Wine Glasses, DOiTs are life hacks and fun activities.

DOiT Journal

Seriously, or jokingly, stop and indulge in the Journal prompts after each chapter. Take a pause to reconnect with yourself and rediscover who you are. Writing it down to look back on later will give you a boost in mindfulness, memory, and communication skills. You’ll be surprised when you observe what you didn’t know about yourself. DOiT.

It will also boost your IQ, help you learn from your past, plan for your future, relieve stress, and reduce belly fat. Oh, well, maybe not the belly fat. But you will benefit in other ways when you stop to reflect and write your responses in the DOiT Journal.

Here’s your first DOiT Journal entry to get you started:

DOiT Journal:

·      What was the best day of your life (so far)? You may not have lived it yet!

·      Write down your 5 favorite things about yourself:

It could be courage, ability, determination, your unique talent to touch your toes or whistle through your nose?

·      What is the most memorable compliment you have ever received?