It's as Simple as That

The scent of deceit, pungent and overwhelming, fills the air after I open another heartless email from my estranged husband. The air gets colder, the room feels smaller, my breaths are short and suffocating, and the anger festers as if my skin is covered in burrs that constantly stab the open areas that are not yet pierced. The stunning news that he was leaving us behind and his cold and cruel demeanor is summed up in the phrase he repeated over and over as I pleaded for answers and conversation to his wildly abrupt decision: “End of. It’s as simple as that.” has been playing on loop in my mind for the past 4 months. These words may seem so simple in passing conversation, as if one were discussing basic instructions on a math equation or operating a washer and dryer, but these were the words that changed my children and me forever, and the ones that turned a once loving and generous human into a blank and stoic woman, buried in the hope of making the memory of him as distant as possible.

This relationship was anything but simple. It was a long, stressful journey for Adrian to immigrate here to the USA. Filled with love (so I thought), hope, and vast endurance, the journey through the process of the K1 Visa is certainly not for the faint of heart. But I found out that the entire motive on his end was not fueled by love and devotion, but by the drive of a man filled with greed, lust, and the acting ability of a Grammy Award-winning individual, and the poker face of the devil himself. There is so much devastation served with this, as the heart of my profoundly autistic son’s feelings was involved and deeply affected, along with my daughter’s confusion about what a healthy marriage looks like; we were all duped. He was the closest to a father that my son had for over 3 years, as his biological father struggled with demons of his own. Adrian threw down the idea of adopting him months before he requested my hand in marriage, and I, my family, and my son were honored and delighted, as my son showed him the admiration a child would show his father. Who would have known that his love for my boy was as prosthetic in nature as the “love” he showered me with? This question is as rhetorical as the bullshit he fed my grandfather before he suddenly passed away. The honorable man who raised me as his own, Adrian, asked for his permission and secured his trust that his granddaughter would be safe with him. Adrian never mentioned that he would use her until she had nothing left and leave her on her birthday and the day after, being the first anniversary of his death. How is that for hindsight and a stab directly in the heart of the family that welcomed him with loving arms? A question I still haven't received any clarification for, and very well may never. Instead, he showed his respect by walking away in this man’s boots; literally, as my grandmother saw it fit to gift him these after we married. “He would want you to have these”, she said, with her soft eyes and loving grace. I will never fully understand how my husband had us all fooled, even the wisest woman I know, and how he could step on that airplane sporting these in full confidence.

I still replay the day he left over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of the holes in the story that I may never really know. This was no ‘knock-down, drag-out’ fight. Rather, a contradiction in the feelings he regularly expressed. The process of remaining together was immensely challenging, and the tug-of-war with the government was not over even after we said our vows. Rather, they challenged us further after the marriage, prompting us to revisit the financial proof and my ability to further sponsor him. This was puzzling, as it was a non-issue when he came over before we were married, and especially so after we were, and the application to authorize him to work was also pending, which would allow him to contribute financially. We were pushing through, though, and have dealt with far greater adversity: he was once sent back to touch American soil, and another time, when I applied to marry him there in the UK, I was promptly denied (to name a few examples). It seemed as though we could make it through anything after these, but apparently not whatever this was and the diabolical plan between him and his family that I was certainly blind to.

His family seemed rather ordinary on the surface, as mine was more complicated and unconventional, in the traditional sense. As a child who suffered abuse and neglect from my mother and the men she allowed in our lives, then rehomed with my maternal grandparents, I have had a troubled life and a diagnosis of PTSD, chronic anxiety, and rough spells of depression throughout my 43 years. He was from a more traditional family dynamic: mum, dad, an older sister, and a younger brother, leaving him as the middle child. Although his father passed when he was in his early thirties, there were stories about his loving nature and grandious sense of humanity; this made it an honor to self-funnel this great man’s ashes into the custom-made wedding ring I got for Adrian.

His mother, who had me refer to her as “Mum” and my children as “Nan,” seemed to have a loving and comical nature, and I proudly presented her as my mother-in-law to others. She made us laugh quite often, passing wind unapologetically at any given moment with a grand smile and a carefree disposition reminiscent of a very happy toddler. Sandra gave me the security of a mother that filled the void of the love I desperately craved from my own. In moments of despair I experienced in the tundra of chaos with my own mom, she would say, “Don’t worry, I am your mum now and will always love you.” The vulnerable little girl who was inside of me believed every last bit, and on February 11th, in a split second, her once-warm nature turned to cold stone for reasons still unexplained to me, and it is a clear depiction of where Adrian’s deceptive nature was inherited from; I can see clearly now. I often found myself to be precocious since childhood, but the rose-colored glasses always seemed to slip on when it came to love, even so when she spoke poorly of her own troubled daughter and Adrian’s older sister, Heather.

Heather was always kind to me up until about the same time. She never asked to be the “black sheep” of the family and earned it partly by having seven children by three separate fathers, and her mother and two brothers often expressed that she felt the need to give every man she met a baby, but it is apparent that she was in the same search for love as I. I was often in her defense when she was picked apart by her immediate family, therefore was not angered when she made a sad attempt to bash me on the Facebook comment section of my cry for help as he leaped back over the pond, yet frowned due to the fact that she was advocating for a family that couldn’t care less for her and the ignorance she had about the situation at hand. I still wish her and her children well and pray she becomes educated in her own family dynamic, as she has lost the only discerning member of her family.

William, the youngest of Sandra’s children, is a different story. I could tell from the beginning that he didn't care much for me and found his Type-A personality rather challenging to relate to. I sensed on every trip to England to visit my beau that he was intensely attempting to see through me and dissect my nature and intentions. I was never sure why then and found myself with this Rubik's Cube in my hands, trying to solve the puzzle of gaining his approval, as Adrian seemed to look up to him as he was some sort of wise prophet, and William was very valiant in fulfilling the patriarch role that his father once possessed. This came with many lectures to Adrian about his finances and employment decisions, and ultimately his choice to move to the States to be with his wife indefinitely. On the surface, during these visits, he was kind enough, but nearly every conversation felt like an interview. William’s girlfriend Claire seemed to be the polar opposite of me; she was quiet and compliant with his agenda each day, and throughout my relationship with Adrian I never knew her to challenge William in any way, which is why finding out of the affair she had a few months after we were married was a shock, to say the least. William phoned Adrian from a hotel near her parents' home, where they reside, and informed him of the news. A few days later, Claire reached out to my confused husband, pleading with him to ask his younger brother to wire her the money from their joint savings account. The news was startling, even more so when they decided to reconcile, and she announced her pregnancy just a few months after. All was swept under the rug, with no interference or voiced opinions from his family. It was difficult not to do the math and recognize the possibilities. Adrian and I briefly discussed it between the two of us, but would never dream of whispering a word outside of us, as it was no business of ours. I couldn’t help but be flabbergasted, reflecting on a social media incident that occurred after our engagement, when we were still worlds apart. I was uncomfortable with a flirtatious comment from a female friend on his page, and William promptly recommended that he call off the marriage. This seemed so small compared to their situation, but I have witnessed these kinds of contradictions throughout my life and chalked it up to him making a desperate attempt to keep his big brother in England, where he fit perfectly under his thumb. Therefore, it was no shock when he joined his sister in the public cruelty- further contradicting his relationship, in comparison to ours, as “perfect”. He joyfully told me that I was only upset because I was not “getting my way”; there I learned how much of a competition this was throughout the entire duration.

Now, four months later, my husband and I only communicate by hasty emails, and I tremble at the cold, heartless tone of his words, which I am positive are not his own but more than likely his brother’s. Adrian’s verbiage has never been too sharp, as he abruptly quit school around the age of fourteen with the permission of his own mother. The conversations now are of the $3,200.81 he owes me, as I loaned it to him to save his own funds in the meantime for his green card application and work authorization fees. The 25K I poured into it all, with trips for us both to and fro and the many expenses in between, I find this amount to be fair, and it is insanely heartbreaking that it has come to this and that mine and my children’s pain is not even factored into the total. It seems the very least he could do after the immense amount of anguish, but I am seeing clearly now that it was all about this the entire time. A few days before he jumped, I was a little short on money and asked for a loan from my grandmother, as the cold months and January and February are a slow time in my occupation, and awaiting Adrian to be able to gain employment so we could both pay off our joint debt. USCIS's abrupt demands were a setback, but in my mind, we would get through it, as we have many other hurdles before. Never mind the mental and emotional suffering, as I turned every corner to each room in my home, every store, traffic light, every article of clothing I wear, and so much more, stained with the residue of him and the prospect that we will never lock eyes again. The heartbreak and determination mean nothing, only the dry green paper that he was lusting after.

Hi Amy,

I’ve already explained that when my circumstances change, I will sort this out once and for all. I am still out of work and doing everything I can to find employment.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I know I have been honest about my current situation. I have not forgotten about any of this. I am simply not in a financial position to do anything right now. As I have explained several times, there is nothing further I can do until my circumstances improve. I cannot say when that will be, but I will reach out when they do.

I also want to be clear that I do not believe there is any outstanding loan or debt between us. However, I did agree to pay 50% once I am in a financial position to do so, and that commitment still stands.

I would appreciate it if the emails on this subject could stop, as I have already explained my position and there is nothing further I can do at present. I will return the boots and the pin badge once I am in a more stable financial situation.

For clarity, I have already informed USCIS that I am no longer in the country, and they are aware of that.

There is no cruelty so please stop with the false accusations and I won’t be engaging any further until my situation improves. I kept every single email for evidence.

Take care,

Adrian Cox

Sick to my stomach, yet again, and contemplating whether a reply will even have any sort of impact, I begin to type, unsure if I will even hit send or if he will read with intent or just skim by and send it over to baby brother as he stands behind him while he solves all of his problems, as he always does. I turn as ice-cold as him and pray I can hold that stance.

Hi Adrian,

I do not believe you have not found some way of making an income or another vulnerable woman to take advantage of, four months is far too long for the money-hungry greed that you possess.

This is not based on opinion. These are facts. You certainly have not forgotten, but will definitely continue to play this game to avoid any responsibility or accountability. You will not even give me the simple respect of closure, which is free of charge. You won't, because admitting you are a fraud is too damning to you. You say you take accountability, but that word has more syllables than the words you gave me to make anything make any logical sense. I did nothing other than ask for a little quiet time the night before. I was low on money at the time, which was your only driving force throughout.

There is CERTAINLY an outstanding loan and debt, as I am stuck paying the credit card bills and dent to my savings for all the expenses it took for us to remain together and get you YOUR green card and YOUR work authorization. These were not for me; I already have both. If you want to discuss 50%, I can total up every other expense and halve them. It will be more than 3K, I can guarantee you that. Why should I have to pay 100% of everything else while you feel entitled to only pay 50% of only those two expenses? You were never asked to leave nor did I do anything to cause your decision.

They will stop once I have been paid or provided a logical explanation. Why were you posting of your love for us only a few days prior? Why try to make love to me less than 12 hours before this and every single other day prior? These are only a few questions you refuse to answer; maybe have some decency and MAN-UP pretty soon here.

The entire situation is riddled with nothing but cold cruelty, and I truly hope you keep “evidence” of the pain that you caused and the lives you have forever affected. I have a whole lot of "evidence" too and straight from my husband's filthy hands. I am not sure who you think will not understand why my children and I are in the pain that we are and this storm that you caused as you wasted years of my life and several thousand dollars. There is no problem with ending a relationship, but the way you did it, and blindsided with no incident, and WHEN was heinous and sinister. So, carry on; I want you to. What do you think will happen? The Burntwood or Wolverhampton Police Department flying over to slap on handcuffs for reacting justifiably to you and your wretched family's treatment? USCIS knocking the door, fining me for bruising your pride? Letting you get away with this all? Will someone in authority give you the last bit, leaving my children and me penniless? After all that you have already done? Go right on ahead, babe.

Justice will certainly be served, and as you say, and have permission to paint this any color you'd like, “It’s as simple as that.”

"For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil." Ecclesiastes 12:14

Your once loving and devoted wife,

Amy Cox