Drawing on stories from real people and the latest research on sex and love, Wild Monogamy encourages couples to developâor redevelop!âtheir erotic intimacy. Readers learn how to create an environment of love and trust in which they can compassionately and creatively work with personal challenges, explore their desires, and enjoy new depths of connection together. In the process, readers will:
⢠Enhance their emotional connection
⢠Use the healing power of eroticism to break free of fear, insecurity, inhibition, shame, and self-consciousness
⢠Transform everyday moments into moments of playfulness and passion
⢠See intimacy issues as perfect opportunities for healing, growth, and pleasure
⢠Design their own intimate adventures
⢠Ignite their attraction and desire for each other
By cultivating erotic intimacy, you turn your long-term relationship into a long-term adventure!
This book is for couples wanting to improve and enhance their relationships as well as for singles who want to know how to create an extraordinarily connected and deeply intimate partnership. Appropriate for all genders and orientations. Includes index.
Drawing on stories from real people and the latest research on sex and love, Wild Monogamy encourages couples to developâor redevelop!âtheir erotic intimacy. Readers learn how to create an environment of love and trust in which they can compassionately and creatively work with personal challenges, explore their desires, and enjoy new depths of connection together. In the process, readers will:
⢠Enhance their emotional connection
⢠Use the healing power of eroticism to break free of fear, insecurity, inhibition, shame, and self-consciousness
⢠Transform everyday moments into moments of playfulness and passion
⢠See intimacy issues as perfect opportunities for healing, growth, and pleasure
⢠Design their own intimate adventures
⢠Ignite their attraction and desire for each other
By cultivating erotic intimacy, you turn your long-term relationship into a long-term adventure!
This book is for couples wanting to improve and enhance their relationships as well as for singles who want to know how to create an extraordinarily connected and deeply intimate partnership. Appropriate for all genders and orientations. Includes index.
Once you become a couple, itâs typical to begin drawing an imaginary circle around yourselves. This ârelationship circleâ is formed by your beliefs, ideas, and assumptions about relationshipsâoften acquired from and shaped by family and friends, the media, previous relationships, and society in general. These beliefs and ideas have a great influence on how you approach your roles and your responsibilities and what you expect from each other and from the relationship. Your circle is also defined by any agreements or rules you make together, such as how you will or wonât behave with certain people or in certain situations. Your intention in creating this circle is to protect the love and happiness the two of you have found together.
For some couples, the circle they create works quite well and reflects their shared values and visions for the relationship. But for others, all those beliefs, agreements, and expectations can have unintended consequences. Issues can arise when partners assume their ideas about relationships are more or less identical, when in reality they might differ substantially. For example, two people might both sayâand believeâthat monogamy is important to them, but their specific ideas about what being monogamous means may vary in significant ways. Couplesâ contradictory assumptions about what is and isnât included in their circle have been the cause of endless disagreements, confusion, and heartache.
When couples draw their relationship circle too tightly around themselves, they leave little or no space for mystery or curiosity. Even couples who are generally happy with the circle theyâve created together might find that the romance, emotional intimacy, or sexual vitality between them eventually begins to subside. When this happens, their relationship can feel less compelling. Without knowing how to prevent this decline, they may one day resign themselves to the idea that this is simply what happens in a long-term relationship.
Biologically speaking, growth and change are key elements of what it means to be alive. So for a relationship to feel alive, it must grow and evolve. Change doesnât have to be constant or extreme. Just a bit now and then will help keep the excitement level a little higher all the time.
If youâre in a relationship, you can invite growth and changeâand make space for a little mysteryâby first getting a clear sense of the relationship circle the two of you have created. And if youâre single, it will be tremendously valuable to understand what could influence any future circle you might take part in creating. So letâs get started.
WHAT DEFINES YOUR CIRCLE?
For a moment, imagine how your relationship might look if you created your relationship circle intentionally instead of letting your unexamined beliefs or conditioning define it for you. Would it be more harmonious? More exciting? More fun? Less work?
To consciously create your relationship circle, you have to start by assessing whatâs currently defining your circle or what has defined any you have had in the past. The questions in the Intimacy Inquiry that follows are designed to illuminate your beliefs and values around romantic relationships in general and monogamy in particular. There are three primary ways to use this inquiry: contemplating the questions on your own, exploring them with your partner, or using them as intimate conversation starters with someone youâre dating.
Reflecting on these questions on your own will give you insight into yourself and how youâve approached relationships in the past. When you become aware of what has been unconscious in your attitudes and behaviors, you can start to implement positive changes that will make your relationship much more satisfying.
If you and your partner are willing to come together and take a fresh look at what youâve created together, talking about even just a few of these topics can profoundly strengthen your connection. For one, the vulnerability required to share your feelings on topics like these in itself builds understanding and trust and deepens intimacy. Even if youâve been together for decades, youâll find these conversations both educational and stimulating. They may offer you new insights into any challenges you are facing together. And they will likely lead to other interesting conversationsâand even explorationsâof your own.
Unless both of you are ready to dive into all of the questions, choose just those that youâre both open to exploring. If you donât feel ready for a particular topic, take the time to look at why not. If youâre comfortable talking about the reasons for your reluctance, that alone can be an excellent opportunity for more understanding and connection between you.
Thereâs no right or wrong here. Youâre just sharing some of the ideas and beliefs you each hold. And thereâs no need to rush the process. You might just take a question or two along with you on a walk or out to dinner.
Some couples really enjoy the deep conversations these questions inspire. Other couples, such as those dealing with unresolved trust or anger issues, might be unable to comfortably talk about any of these topics. If this describes your situation, imagine for a moment what it would be like if you could talk about them. How would that feel? What would make such conversations possible? Reflecting on these questions can start to shift the way you relate to each other in subtle but positive ways.
If youâre single, the Intimacy Inquiry will give you an understanding of how your attitudes, beliefs, values, and upbringing have influenced your prior relationshipsâand might influence them in the future.
The topics in the Intimacy Inquiry are also well worth exploring with a new or prospective partner. The intimate conversations these questions inspire will help you get to know each other better and discover whether your values, attitudes, and desires are compatible. Sharing your beliefs and ideas on these topics from the start, and listening to each other with receptivity, sets the tone for an open, honest approach to your relationship while building genuine trust. By consciously constructing your circle in this way, the two of you will be actively designing your most rewardingâand exciting!ârelationship possible.
THE INTIMACY INQUIRY
How you feel about the questions that follow will be influenced by a number of factors, including your social or spiritual upbringing, your past relationships and sexual experiences, and the degree of intimacy you feel in your current relationship. Although many of these are phrased as yes-or-no questions, your responses will likely be much more layered and complex. Your feelings on any particular topic might vary according to context and may have evolved over time, all of which makes for richer discussions.
As you read through the questions in each category, notice any reactions or emotions that surface. These responses provide useful information. For instance, if a question makes you uncomfortable and you canât identify why, the topic may be worth deeper investigation and is an opportunity to learn something important about yourself or your partner.
Also keep in mind that these questions are just a discovery process and starting points for mind-expanding and heart-opening conversation. Use them in whatever ways suit you best.
Romantic Love
â˘Â  What does it mean to you to be in love?
⢠ Is there a difference between loving someone and being in love with them?
⢠ What does âI love youâ mean to you?
⢠ Have your ideas about romantic love changed over time?
Intimacy
â˘Â  What does intimacy mean to you?
â˘Â  How does intimacy make you feel?
â˘Â  How important is intimacy to you?
â˘Â  What does âbeing intimateâ mean to you?
â˘Â  Is there a difference between having sex and making love?
Emotions
â˘Â  Do you believe that some emotions are positive or good while others are negative or bad? For example, is anger bad? Is sadness undesirable?
â˘Â  Are there acceptable and unacceptable ways of expressing emotions?
â˘Â  How comfortable are you with your own emotions?
â˘Â  How comfortable are you with your partnerâs emotions?
Personal Space and Time
â˘Â  How much space or time to yourself do you need in a relationship? How much space and time do you want to share with your partner?
â˘Â  When youâre socializing or attending an event together, how important is it to you to spend time by each otherâs side? How important is it to you to mingle independently?
â˘Â  Is it desirable or undesirable to have separate goals, plans, or interests? Do you feel that independent pursuits will reduce or enhance your intimacy? Why?
Monogamy
â˘Â  Do you believe that monogamy is the best way to have a successful relationship, the only way, or just one way?
â˘Â  What do you appreciate about monogamy?
â˘Â  What do you find challenging or frustrating about monogamy?
Sex in a Monogamous Relationship
â˘Â  Do you think itâs inevitable that a coupleâs sexual connection will taper off over time? Or do you believe itâs possible to keep a monogamous relationship sexually interesting and exciting over many years?
Agreements
â˘Â  What are some agreements you think are generally accepted between couples and donât need discussing? What about agreements that are generally accepted between couples but could actually benefit from some discussion?
â˘Â  Did you have any agreements in prior relationships that didnât work for you? Did you ever face a challenging situation involving an unspoken agreement in a previous relationship?
â˘Â  Have you and your partner established any agreements about what is okay and not okay when it comes to sex in general or your sexual relationship in particular?
â˘Â  Can you think of any unspoken agreements or assumptions between you?
â˘Â  How would you want to handle it if one of you broke an agreement the two of you have?
Your Pasts
â˘Â  Do you believe that oneâs previous relationships and sexual experiences should be kept private from oneâs current partner?
â˘Â  Do you think there are times when sharing stories about your romantic pasts, previous lovers, or sexual histories can be positive or important? If so, under what circumstances, and how much detail would you be comfortable with?
Relationships with Former Partners
â˘Â  How do you feel about maintaining friendships with previous partners, assuming they are good people in general and the relationship wasnât toxic or traumatizing?
â˘Â  Is it okay to text or call an ex to wish them happy birthday? What about getting together to catch up on each otherâs lives?
â˘Â  Are you interested in getting to know your loverâs former partners if possible? Or would you prefer that mentions of them be avoided or reminders of them be kept out of sight?
Friendships
â˘Â  Do you feel itâs inappropriate for you or your partner to have close friends of a certain gender, relationship status, or level of attractiveness? Or do you believe that such friendships can bring benefits to your relationship? If so, how?
â˘Â  Have you ever said or felt that itâs inappropriate for your partner to pursue a particular friendship? Have you ever tried or wanted to restrict your partner from spending time with someone?
Affection with Others
â˘Â  Is being physically affectionate with people other than your partner or immediate family members okayâholding hands, walking arm in arm, sharing a long hug, greeting with a kiss? Would your feelings depend on who they were or whether or not you were there?
Conversations About Sex
â˘Â  Is sex a common, comfortable, or even exciting topic of conversation in your relationship? Or are conversations about sex awkward, filled with conflict, infrequent, or even nonexistent?
â˘Â  Is it okay for you or your partner to talk with friends about sex? How about discussing your sex life in particular?
Nudity
â˘Â  Are you comfortable being nakedâby yourself, with your partner, in the presence of other people?
â˘Â  How do you feel about public nudity, such as at nude beaches, clothing-optional resorts, skinny-dipping sites, or events like Burning Man or Mardi Gras?
â˘Â  How comfortable would you be if your partner were naked in any of these environments, with or without you there?
Media and Privacy
â˘Â  What value do you place on each otherâs privacy?
â˘Â  Do you ever monitor each otherâs online activity or discourage each other from showing interest in certain websites, videos, or articles?
â˘Â  How do you feel about having access to each otherâs phone, email, or social media accounts?
â˘Â  Do you believe that you or your partner developing friendships through the internet is okay or a cause for concern?
Sexual Fantasies
â˘Â  What are your feelings about someone in a committed relationship fantasizing about other people?
â˘Â  Should you both feel free to engage and enjoy your sexual imaginations in whatever ways you choose, or do you think certain types of fantasies are harmful and should be off limits?
â˘Â  Is there a place for fantasy in a loving relationship?
â˘Â  Are you open to hearing your partnerâs fantasies, sharing your own, or pursuing some of your fantasies together?
Erotica
â˘Â  What types of erotic materialsâbooks, magazines, movies, online stories, photos, or videosâare acceptable or unacceptable for one or both of you to consume? When, what, and how much is okay or not okay?
â˘Â  Do you feel that any erotica or pornography at all will detract from your relationship in some way or is even a form of cheating? Or are you comfortable with such material within certain guidelinesâfor example, as long as it involves consenting adults, isnât watched when the kids are awake, or isnât negatively affecting your relationship?
â˘Â  Would you be open to reading or watching some kinds of erotica together, perhaps as a way to share your interests or as a source of new ideas?
Attraction to Others
â˘Â  Do you think your partner should be sexually attracted to no one other than you?
â˘Â  How do you feel about either of you going without the other to dance clubs, strip clubs, or bachelor or bachelorette parties?
â˘Â  When youâre out together, do you feel you should both make an effort not to take too much notice of others, or is looking at other attractive people with appreciation okay? How much looking is acceptable and what would be too much?
â˘Â  Are you comfortable telling your partner when you notice someone attractive? Are you comfortable with your partner telling you when they notice someone attractive?
â˘Â  Are you comfortable telling your partner when youâre feeling uneasy about their attention toward someone else?
Public Displays of Affection
â˘Â  Are you relaxed holding hands, hugging, or kissing in public, or do you avoid most public displays of affection?
â˘Â  Are there circumstances where some displays of affection in public would feel more or less comfortable to you?
Flirting
â˘Â  Do you believe that people in committed relationships should never flirt with someone else? Or do you think flirting with others can be beneficial for a relationship? If so, why, and what kinds of flirting would you be comfortable with?
â˘Â  Do you tell your partner when you think someone is attracted to you? When you think someone is attracted to them? When youâre feeling an attraction to someone else? Or do you keep observations like these to yourself?
Sexual Activities
â˘Â  How sexually adventurous have you been in the past? How sexually adventurous are you now?
â˘Â  How adventurous do you think your partner is?
â˘Â  Are there any relatively common sexual activitiesâsuch as dirty talk, oral sex, masturbation, anal sex, or light bondageâthat you particularly enjoy? Are there any that make you feel uncomfortable?
â˘Â  Do you have a desire or willingness to explore sexuality together? Do either of you have an interest in trying new things? Is this an interest you share? What would you be interested in trying and what seems like it might be too far out of your comfort zone?
â˘Â  How might you feel if your partner seemed uncomfortable about a sexual activity you have an interest in?
â˘Â  And finally, what do you love most about sexâboth in general and with your partner?
People will come to these questions from many different perspectives, circumstances, and experiences. Some people will feel very at ease with this entire self-assessment. For others, contemplating these questions may bring up challenging emotions or highlight difficulties that they have been grappling with.
If youâre having a hard time with some or possibly many of these questions, and especially with the thought of talking about them with your partner, thatâs okay. As you consider the information and ideas in this book, your comfort level will gradually increase and it will feel easier and more natural to begin having conversations about some of these topics.
If reading through and discussing all of these questions was easy for you and you feel thereâs not much growth for you to experience in any of these categories, we have one more question for you to think about: What is one area where you personally could make a small shift that would have a positive effect on the intimacy in your relationship?
If youâre single, still take time to reflect on your beliefs around each of these topics. Then, when youâre starting a new relationship, remember to return to the Intimacy Inquiryâboth to gain perspective on your new connection and for some potent conversation starters. Having interactions like these from the start will help you consciously create an environment of authentic intimacyâgiving your new relationship true erotic potential!
EXPANDING YOUR EROTIC EDGES
There are as many ways to have a passionate, compelling, and satisfying relationship as there are people to have them. Because every couple is different and every relationship is unique, the secret is to design your own relationship style, one that works best for the two of you. The conversations inspired by the Intimacy Inquiry will help you and your partner determine what will keep your unique relationship, and your sexual connection, feeling fresh and alive.
Because youâve had different childhoods, different experiences, and different influences, itâs almost inevitable that your belief systemsâand thus your relationship circlesâwonât line up perfectly. By getting a good sense of what defines your circle and what defines your partnerâs circle, youâll be able to see where your values and beliefs align. This area of alignment defines your shared relationship circle and is where you feel most comfortable together.
The smaller your shared circle, the sooner your sex life may start to feel routine and predictable. When you try to feel content within a small, inflexible circle, never trying anything that would make either of you uneasy, sooner or later you might find yourselves feeling bored. Even if thereâs variety in your sexual repertoire, if you never expand to include anything new, or even just talk about the possibility of something new, you still might experience the fading of passion and desire over time.
There are, of course, many couples who are genuinely happy and content with a relationship that is largely unchanging. But a substantial percentage of couples eventually grow dissatisfied with the predictable and uninspiring sex that can characterize a long-lasting relationship. Happily, the best things about being in a committed relationshipâthe familiarity, the sense of safety and belonging, the mutual love and supportâare also what can make your shared circle a solid foundation for inviting in a little mystery and adventure.
So hereâs a proposition. Start thinking of whatâs just outside the edges of your shared circle as future possibilities. Whether itâs an edge for you, an edge for your partner, or an edge for both of you, slowly expanding these âerotic edgesâ together can be all it takes to continually fire up your desire for each other and keep your sexual connection energized.
In the chapters that follow, weâll be sharing stories from real couples, along with an abundance of creative ideas, to give you plenty of inspiration for expanding your erotic edges. Along the way, youâll be oh-so-gently encouraged to cultivate a âyesâ attitude toward sexual exploration and to continually evolve your idea of what sex is and can be.
One way to expand an erotic edge is by exploring something that has you both feeling a little nervous or shy. Sex can be so many (wonderful!) things: an endlessly erotic and sensual physical activity, an infinitely creative endeavor, a loving expression of emotional connection, a profoundly transformational or even mystical experience. As a couple, no matter your ages or how long youâve been togetherâand even if youâve experienced difficulties with arousal, erections, or orgasmsâbeing willing to explore in all these realms gives you unlimited sexual potential together. And the erotic intimacy that youâll be developing will lead to experiences that are so pleasurable and meaningfulâand for some, even spiritualâthat youâll remember them among the peak moments of your life.
A second way to expand an erotic edge is to experiment with something thatâs an edge for just one of you, while the other offers loving encouragement and guidance into the new territory. Rather than being a possible source of misunderstanding or frustration, the differences between your circles become phenomenal opportunities for intimacyâand fun!
Youâve probably already discovered that sex has a way of bringing to the surface unacknowledged or unhealed issues in us. Almost all of us have suffered from feelings of insecurity, anxiety, guilt, or embarrassment around some aspect of sexuality. The stories in this book of the many loving and creative ways that couples have acknowledged, explored, and transformed such feelings will move and inspire you. Youâll see how difficulties involving body image, self-esteem, shame, physical limitations, sexual inhibitions, and performance anxiety can be extraordinary opportunities for intimacy, healing, and growth. Supporting each other in becoming free of whatever is keeping you from experiencing love and pleasure will be some of the most gratifying and memorable experiences the two of you will ever share.
As you continue to expand your erotic edges, youâll be developing a foundation of trust, acceptance, and love. Your shared circle will become a circle of safety, connection, and sexy anticipationâan erotic sanctuary in which you can dream up your next adventure, and your next, and your next. All of which will make the yeses come much more easily!
Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive is a sexual self-help book written by Mali Apple and John Dunn, a couple that has been monogamously together for about two decades. To help couples revive erotic intimacy so that their fire for one another can keep burning, the book includes personal stories from Apple and Dunn and interviewees.
There are some things to note before venturing into the book, though. Firstly, monogamy is defined quite broadly as the book includes possibly openly inviting another person into your relationship while remaining faithful to one another and understanding that the third party is only a guest, not a member of your relationship. Contrastingly, intimacy, on the other hand, is illustrated quite narrowly. This should not be a surprise as the title of the book specifies erotic intimacy, but there are references to other forms of intimacy and any factors that affect sexual intimacy are discussed in the necessary detail.
If you are looking for something to put a spark back into what might start feeling like an outdated form of a relationship in modern society, this book can be an excellent tool in giving you step-by-step guidance on how to do that. Other issues that you might be encountering could require some professional help and this book cannot replace that need. So, please heed its call for seeking counseling when it comes to some matters (e.g. a history of deception and resultant mistrust).
This is the kind of book that makes you feel a little giddy just reading it. Sometimes you chuckle to yourself like a teenager that has found something that they should not have found (like Mali). Other times, ideas swarm your head, ready to burst out with every sentence you read. Whatever the experience might be at any given moment, I would suggest that you give this a read. It has enough spunk to give you the courage to explore the possibility of something new and enough tenderness to make you feel okay with testing the limits of your comfort zones. Apple and Dunn have done an exceptional job that adds something fresh and exciting but also one that is probably going to induce some awkwardness and discomfort, all of which illustrate the vulnerability needed to truly connect. So get ready to get naked, figuratively and literally!