ChapterOne
IwanttorunmyhandthroughKurtThompsonâs hair, butIcanâtbecauseheâsaguyandsoamI.Ifthatâsnotenoughtomakeyoukillyourself,Idonâtknowwhatis.
Iâmdancingwithmygirlfriend,andKurtâsdancingwithhis.EachtimeCassandraandImakeaturninourslowdance,IpeekthroughherhairtolookatKurt.Hiseyesaremostly closed,butthereâs amoment,attheveryendofthesongwhenheopenshiseyesandlooksrightatme.Hesmilesandgivesmeanodofhischinandalook.Alookthattearsrightthroughme. His eyes were Billy-Idol blue and he even had the sexy smile to match.Â
JustlastyearIâdbeennormal.Ihadbeenjustlikeeveryoneelse.GodhowIâdclungto that.Nouseanymore:myentireplannedfutureofagirlfriendandcollegeandawifeandkids andahouseobliteratedthemomentKurtlookedatme.Gone.MyfeelingswerenâtjustlonginglooksthatIcouldhideforever,theywerephysicalreactionsbeyondmycontrol.Ireallywasdoomed.
TheschoolyearatWesthaven Highalwaysbeganwithadance.Itwassomethingtheprincipalthoughtwasagreatwaytostarttheyear. Butifyouwereastudent,itwaskindof a nightmare.Wewereallaskingourselveswhatweâdaccomplishedoverthesummerbreak?Had yourfacefinallystoppedbreakingout?Hadyoufinallyfilledout:heightandfacialhairforguys; titsandassforgirls.Ifso,thefirstplacetoreallyshowitalloff wasthedance.Nopressure.
âLetâsgetsomefreshair.â Cassandrajuttedherchintowardthepatiotothesideofthegym.âFreshairâreallymeantâmakeoutuntilwesprainourtongues.âForagoodCatholicgirl,shesure knewhowtokiss.Latelysheâdbeenlayingitonthickthatweshouldsleeptogether.Sheâdalreadytriedoverthesummer,butIâdputitoff,sayingweoughttowait.IevenadmittedIwasavirgin,whichshethoughtwasreallysweet.Iwasnâtsurehowtofeelaboutthat.Relievedthatsheâdbackedoffalittle?OrinsultedthatshewasmoreexperiencedthanIwas?Makingoutwasonething,butCassandrahadbeenpushingformoreandmoreprivateencountersâencountersthatcouldgofrommakingouttosexbeforeIwouldeverhaveachancetostopit.
Evenifshewasnâtavirgin,fakingmyfeelingsthroughourfirsttimeseemedlikesomekindoflovecrime.Iwasnâttryingtobechivalrous;IdidnâtwantmyfirsttimetobesomekindofOscar-worthyactingexercise.Iwantedittobereal,tobegenuine,likeanyonedoes.
Mysecondlineofdefensewasmycurfew(11 onweeknights,midnightonweekends),whichmademyjobaloteasier.Normally,wewouldjustbemovingfromheavykissingtosomeunder-the-shirtstuffwhenweranoutoftime.UsuallyIdidnâtmindmakingoutthatmuch,buttonight,itgratedagainstmydance-floorfantasyofbeinginaboyâs arms.Ineededamomenttoswitchgears.
âIgottagotothebathroom.âIyelledabovethemusic,pointingtotherestroomonthe othersideofthegym.
Shepointedthatsheâdmeetmeoutsideonthepatioandleftmeinthethrongofkids rockingtheauditorium.Onthesurface,Iwasjustlikethem.Imadethegrades,belongedtothe soccerteam,wenttothepartiesâsotypicallystraightthatnobodysuspectedathing.Onthe inside,Iwasdying.
Inthebathroom,Istoodatthesinkandsplashedwateronmyface.IhadtogetKurtoutofmy headandfocusontheeveningasitwas.Okay,so,Iwasnâtreallyinterestedingirls,didnâtliveinaprogressivetown,andwouldneverhaveaboyfriendinhighschool.ButIwassafe.WithCassandraonmyarm,atleastIwasnâtasuspect.IwasnâtexactlyTheRock,butIwasafarcryfromstereotypicallygayguysforwhomtherewasnoescapingdetection.
Cassandrawasgreattohangwith;justbeingaroundhergavemeconfidencetobranch outalittle.ShedidnâtmindthatIwasdifferentandevenappreciatedmytastein80âsretroclothes.Itgavemeaâlookâshesaid.Peoplewerenâtsomuchlookingatme,ShaneNoble,astheywerelookingatguy-in-cool-clothes-with-cool-girl.Iâdpassedanentry-leveltestthatgave melicensetobealittlefreer.
Justforthedance,Iâdboughtthisultracoolmidnightbluesummer-weightsuit,andathrift-storefedora.Tocompleteit,Iworeablackt-shirt,apinstripevest,andaredsilktiehungloosearoundtheneck.Igavemyselfanodinthemirror.
ThenoutofthestallscametheAssholePatrol:RickâtheDickâBlakely,JimBartell,andtheirfreshmanlackey,DylanThompsonwhowasallredhairandpimples,butâcoolâbecausehewasonjuniorvarsitysoccer.Thethreeofthemwereliketripletsseparatedatbirth.Bullytriplets.WhileIwasofficiallyfriendswithRickandJim,itwasmorelikefrenemies becauseIneveractuallyconfidedinthem,wewereconstantlycompetingagainsteachotheron thefield,andRickhadtriedtodateCassandrabeforeme.Theirgeniuswasthatinpublic,they onlygaveyouafriendlyteaseâwhentheycaughtyoualone,theyshowedadarkersidethat wasfreakyinapack-leader-and-wolveskindofway.
âYouwantsome?âRickbrushedbackhisblackhairtorevealicyblueeyes.Hepushedajointmyway.âThisshitisepic.âIshookmyhead,pretendingtobecaughtupingroomingmyselfatthemirror.âThanks,butIâllpass.â(Tip:Avoidingoffersofmale-bondingbypretendingtogroomoneselfisthewrongwaytocounterrumorsthatyouâregay.)
âDonâttoke?âRickfrownedlikeIâdsaidIdidnâteatpizza.âAsthma...âIsaid,takingastepbackfromthesmokecloud.
Ricknodded.âSoyoudonâtsmoke.DonâtreallydrinkfromwhatIâveseen. Whatdoyoudo?â
I half laughed because they wouldnât have known it but Rickâs line was almost verbatim from the song âGoody Two Shoesâ by Adam Antâs third and final 1982 song. Imovedtoleave,butJimandDylansteppedinmyway.âHey,weârejust chatting,right?âRicktouchedmytie,andwhenIlookeddown,heflickedmynose: gotcha.âSo,youdownherpantsyet?â
âSorry?âIfeignedcluelessness.God,hewassuchafuckingjerksometimes.
âCassie...youdownherpantsorjustpretendingtobeinterested?Youâvebeengoingoutsincelastyear.â
âWhatâreyou,herchaperone?â
Helaughedinmyface.âNah,shedonâtneedonewithyouaround.YouârenottryinganythingfromwhatIhear.Whatâsyoursecret,Noble?ToobusylookingatKurtThompson?â
Myheartstopped:Theyârewatchingme.âYeah,onthedancefloor.Youreyeswerejustaboutgluedtohim,werenâtthey,guys?âJimandDylansnortedandchuckledoncue.âDudeâsgotahard-onformybrother,âsaidDylan,givingJimapunch.âWaitâtilItellKurt.â
MyfaceburnedandIfroze.
âYougay,Noble?Thisschoolâsalreadygotonefaggot,whynottwo?Maybeyouandcanmakebuttholebabiestogether.â
Iflashedbacktofirstsemestersophomoreyear.Lunch.Small-framedDavidMortimergetting hisasskickedrightthereonthecommons.Bloodynose.Screaminghisfoolheadoff.And allI couldthinkwas,Ifhejustdidnâtwearthatultra-gayflight-attendantscarf.Why?Whythescarf,David?
Buttodayitâsworsethanjusthisscarf;itâshislaptop.Theygrabitbeforehecanshutitoff,andthere it is:âproof.âHis#1playlistonYouTubeisasongbythescreaminglygayMikafeaturingscreenshotsofMarioLopezandZacEfron.Theyformaringaroundhimashe triestogetout.TheyeachgetinonereallygoodhitbeforeDeanNewcombefinallybreaksitup andtakesthemalltotheoffice.CouldNewcombedraghisfatassanyslower?Hello!Littleguygettinghisasskickedoverhere!Thetwoamigoswalkawayhi-fiving,knowingtheyâllbeback intimeforsoccerpracticewhichIactuallysharewiththem,hatingitsometimessomuchI actuallyconsiderswitchingtocross-country,orswimming(exceptIâdhavetowearoneofthoseskin-tight dick hammocks).CassietellsmethatintheofficeDavidwonâtsayawordandspinelessPrincipalSchifrinletsitslide.VicePrincipalBlakelyâyes,Rickâsmotherâreallyrunstheschool,butifsheoversawherownsonâs discipline,wellthatâdbetoodirectwouldnâtit?DavidMortimerâifheâssmartâheâllbeapplyingtooneofthosegayhighschoolsinNewYorkCityandweâllneverseehimagain.Me? IcanâtgetfoundoutâIâllendupbeingthenextDavidMortimer.Icanâtletthathappentome;itâdkillmymother.Hell,itâdkillme.
 âKurt?Areyoukiddingme,IwascheckingBritneyout.âIcheckedmyhairandtietryingto soundhipwhenreallyIwasabouttoshitmypants.âNow,thatâsasweetass.âItwasthebestIcoulddo;besides,therewasnowaytheycouldknowexactlywhoIwaslookingat.(Tip:Ifyouhavetolie,rememberthatitâsalotlikeacting;believewhatyouâresayingandsowillthey.)
Rickâsflintyeyesblinkedacoupleoftimes,hisprocessorsrunningacheckonthedata.Thenheboughtit.Orseemedto,withbulliesyoucanneverquitebesure.Inodded,wanting morethananythingjusttobeontheothersideofthebathroomdoor.
âDude!Itotallyhadyougoinâ!âsaidRick,hisfacesuddenlybrightening.âYouthoughtIwasserious?!âHegavemeafriendlybutjust-a-little-too-hardpatontheface.âNobiggie, dude.â
âJustfuckinâwithyou,bro,âsaidJim,offeringmeafistbump.Ipunchedback,noticinghowsmallmyhandwasagainsthis.Hewasabigred-headedmooseofaguy.Iletmyselfhaveahalflaughbeforerealitywashammeredhomeonemoretime.
âButditchthatretroshit,âsaidRick,thumpingmyhat.âTotallymakesyoulooklikeafag.Losethetieoryouâllnevergetlaid.Andyouwanttogetlaid,right,Noble?â
Theydisappearedoutthedoorintoablastofmusicandlights,leavingmewhip-lashed butatleastmomentarilyalone.Godthoseguysweregood;Ihadtheshakesandtheyâdbarely doneathing.HardtobelievethatthiswasasfarasIâdgotteninthefriendsdepartment.Wehad spentafternoonssincethirdgradeonsoccerfieldsandhockeyrinks.Thenwehadgottencloserin scouting,andreallyseemedtobondwhenweâdalldecideditwastoogayforsuburbanwanna-be badboyslikeus.Now,Iwasalwaysonthefringeoftheirradicalmoodswingsincool-dom,but Istillbelonged.Butintheirincreasinglyerraticdrive-bys,Iknewthatmysafetywasasthinas mynormalcy:oneslipanditwouldbeover.Yes,waiter,IâllhavetheDavidMortimerwithasidedishoftotalrejection,please.
Onautopilot,myhandstookthetieoff, stuffingitintomypocket.MyretrodreamsofDuran-Duraningitupforthedancewereover. HadIactuallybeensodeludedthatIâdfantasizedaboutdoingNickRhodeseyemake-upforChill,theholidaydance?Forthemoment,Ihad escapedanythingpermanentoccurring,butwhetherRicksaidtheywerekiddingornot,they reallyhadbeenwatchingme.AndIhadnoideahowlongthathadbeengoingon.Ijustwanted torun,togohome.IwasafraidthatassoonasIsawCassandra,sheâdknowsomethingwas wrong,getmetocrack:âHomo?Whywouldtheythinkyouâreahomo?âSoIdidnâtgiveherachance.
Ileftthebathroomlikearocket,spottedCassieatthepatiorailing,grabbedheranddoveintoa kisslikeanOlympicmedalist.Igrabbedandpawedatalltheappropriatespots,lettingherpush myhandsaway.Finallyshestoppedandturnedherheadaway.âOk, ok.Ineedtocomeupforair.âShelaughedalittleandIcouldtellIâdoverdoneitjustright.âWhereâsyourtie?â
Ipattedthefrontofmypants.âGothotdancingâinmypocket.â
âOh,isthatwhatthatis?âShegropedmegentlyandIknewthatshewasreadyforround two,butIÂ couldnâtgothereagain.SoIpretendedtonoticethebigwallclockinside.
âOhshit,itâsalready10:30.Weshouldbegoing.â
Cassandrasighedinfrustration.âWoulditkillyoutobelatejustonce?Whatâs yourmothergoingtodo,shootyou?â
âNo,sheâlljustpulltheplugongoingoutforasemester, isthatwhatyouwant?âIbrushedthehairoutofherfaceandgaveherasensualcaressonherarmsthewaysheliked.
âJesus,Shane,withyourmomaround,whoneedsabstinence-onlyprograms?â
BeforeIcouldsoftenherreaction,Cassandrawasmarchingofftowardtheparkinglot.Â
* * *
Thedrivetomyapartmentwasalittlequiet,windowsdown,heaton,tunesuptooloudtotalk.
âIdonâtmeantobeabitch,Shane.âCassandraletthecaridle,theamberdashlights givingheranunrealglow.âIappreciatethatyourmomhasrules,andthatâs good.ButIfeellikewhatwehaveismaybeworthupdatingtherulesfor.Imeanyouwantme,right?â
âOfcourseIdo.âIlied.Theseveraltimesweâdgottenclosetodoingit,itwasmewho hadtoputthebrakeson.Cassandrawasreadytogo,verycomfortablewithherbody,andwithgivingittome.Ifeltlikeshitfornotfeelingthesameway.
âIâlltalktoher.Butyouknowhowsheis?Thereâs notmuchyoucanhidefromanurse. SheâsgoingtoknowthatlatercurfewsmeanssexandIdonâtknowifsheâsreadyforthat.â
âAndwhataboutyou?âShetookmyhandandsmiledwarmly, thepissed-offCassandra gone.âHowdoyoufeelaboutthat?Aboutme?â
âIwanttodoit,youknowIdo.Ijustwantittoberight,youknow?â
Shesaidâmetoo,âbutIgotthefeelingthatifIâdsaidIwasreadyrightthenthatsheâd haveyankedmeintothebackseat.WekissedgoodnightandIwalkedupthestairsofmy building,turningtowavedutifullyasshedroveoff.
Thetown-house-styleapartmentwhereIlivedwithmymomwasalwaysquietatnight.Shewas onnightsatMercyGeneralintheER.Wedidnâthavetoworryaboutmoney, butthetwelve-hourshiftsweretoughonherandleftmealotoftimeonmyown.Myfriendsthoughtitwascool, andsodidIforawhile.Butyoucanonlyskipsomuchhomework,wanderatnightsooften,or trytogetintotroublesomanytimesbeforeyourealizethatrealtroubleisalwaysoutthere waitingforyou.Onjunk-foodtrekstotheKwikMartIâdpassedenoughdrunks,runawaysand creepswhostaredatkidstoknowthatonlyluckwassavingmefromarun-in.SophomoreyearI startedstayingin,doingmyhomework,andwatchingwholelottaDiscoveryChannelandNat Geo.Nothingtotakeyourmindoffthingslikefindingoutthatourbrainsaremostlywater.
Inmyroom,tryingtoshakeoffwhathappenedatthedance,Ire-evaluatedmyselfinthefull-length mirror on the back of my door.DidIlooklikeafag?Couldpeoplereallytell?Onlinetherewerealwayspeopleleavingcommentsaboutthisstarorthatsingerâlookinggay,ââsoundinggay,âorâactinggay.âSometimesIsawDavidMortimerinthehallwayandwonderedifhecouldtellaboutme.Hewas usuallybusykeepinghisheaddownandtryingtoavoidhisnextass-kicking,butIwonderedif hedidnâtpickuponmysignalnomatterhowbadlyItriedtosuppressit.IsthatwhattheAssholePatroldidonthedancefloor?Senseagayvibe?
My walls and ceiling were covered in the best of the 80s, literally like wallpaper I donât think Iâd seen the actual wall since I was 12. Yeah, I had the Bangles, and Sheena Easton, and the Go-Goâs, but they were just filler between my real loves. Duran Duran (them decked out in black and white, Simon in a trench coat, John Taylor in those loose leather pants!) Adam Ant, Stray Cats, Simple Minds, Thompson Twins, Culture Club, Yazz, The Cure, The Smiths, and my all-time fav (drumroll please) Billy Idol. That guy was perfection. From the tip of his bleached out spikes to his battered boots, and every rubber bracelet and artfully torn shirt in between. So incredibly beautiful, but that raunchy grin that just makes your head spin. My 80s playlist from an old iPod was on eternal loop. The Smithereens âBlood and Rosesâ came on and I knew God had a sick sense of humor. The lyrics were exactly right: not belonging and love coming out wrong.Â
Ifeltthelumpofthetieinmypocketandtookitout,unfurlingitlikeatinyflag.Itwas stillinaloopsoIputmyheadthroughthesoftnooseofit. The guys in these bands had it so good. Fame, fortune, any womanâor manâthey could possibly want. Andthey made make-up cool for men. And not just Bowie or guys like Simon Le Bon and Nick Rhodes either. Billy fuckin' Idol, too. Street tough who could be pretty and rough at the same time. It never got any cooler than that; weâve just been backsliding since then. Gay marriage?! Ha. What good is being married when your kid gets bullied at school because of his two moms or dads? How many minutes was I out of sweating a close encounter with the Asshole Patrol myself? What was it I had to do to get them off my back... have sex with Cassandra in public, post a video of us doing the nasty? Those guys were human earworms eating away at my brain. Faggot, I thought. Queer. Cocksucker. Thatâs all Iâd ever be to them. If I made it to graduation, Iâd just face more of them in college, and then at work.
âFaggot,âIsaidout loud,andgavethetieabackwardstug.Queer. Ipulledharder,thetiesqueezingmyjugular.Rickâs wordsburnedinmyears:âWhatâsyoursecret,Noble?âDidhealreadyknow?Whoelseknew?Whatwouldhappenifeveryoneknew?Ipulledthetieuntilit cutoffthebloodtomyhead,immediatelygettingdizzyandweak.AfewmoresecondsandIâdbeout.
Iheardkeysinthefrontdoorandjerkedbacktoreality.
âShane,youhomeearly?âMomâs voicefilteredup,muffledbyheavycarpetingandthefloorbetweenus.Iwhippedthetiefrommyneckandquicklywenttoblockthedoorincaseshetriedtocomein.
âJustgettingreadyforbed,Ma.â
Shewasalreadyupstairs.âTheyoverstaffedtonightsoIgotsenthome.CanIcomein?â
Ithrewthetieonthebedpostandpulledoff myshirt.Iopenedthedooracrackandshehoveredoutside.
âHowwasthedance?YouandCassiehavefun?â
âOh,itwastotallygreat.Butcouldwetalkaboutittomorrow?Iâmkindatired.â
Afterthebriefestpause,âSure.âSheusedhercasualvoice,whichalwaysmademetense. âGoodnight,hon.â
Iheardherpaddownthehall,thenthesoftclickofherdoor.Wewerenoweachsealedinourrespectivemother/sonbunkers.ButwhowasIkidding?Shehadtoknowsomethingwasoff;wejusthadnâttalkedaboutit.TheolderIgot,themoreinternalmyproblemsbecame.Askinnedkneeat8wasaloteasierforNurse-Momtodiagnosethanabrokenheartat16.Whowasto blameforthat?Herfornotdigging(well,okay,prying)ormefornotcomingforward?Butcâmon,really,comeforwardforwhat?Tohavemyheadchoppedoff?Parentsareallsupportiveuntiltheyactuallygetsomethingconcrete.Andthenitâs likeâDrugs!?ââSuspendedforwhat?ââPregnant?!How!?âIâdheardpeopleatschooltellinglunchroomwarstorieslongenoughto knowthatsecrecywas a necessary shield sometimes.
Ileftmyguard-postatthedoorandsankdownagainstthetangledmessofbeddingatmy headboard.AllthatcametomindweretheblondcurlsofKurtThompsonâsmane.Unaffected,unpretentious,nearlyunstyled,hewasnaturallybeautifulandundeniablymasculine.Enviedby theguysandadoredbythegirls.Youeitherwantedtobehim,orbewithhim.Andofcourse,Iwasinthelattergroup.ItwassoCapulet-Montagueitwassick. HowcouldmyheartbebrokenifIhadnâtevenhadarelationship?
Becauseattheratethingsweregoing(i.e.,glacial),Iwasnâtevergoingtohaveone.KurtThompsonwasaquarterback.Me,Iwasasafebackgroundplayeronthesoccerteam.Guyslikehim(i.e.straight)didnâtgoforguyslikeme(i.e.notstraight).(Tip:Beingstrategicallyneutralabouteverythingsexualmakesitreallyhardforanyonetofigureyouout.Howcantheydateyouiftheycanâtget toknowyou?)Andifsomebodyactuallydidlikeme,wellthenIwasreallydoomed.How couldweeverbetogether?ForgetâDonâtAsk,DonâtTell,â myhighschoolâspolicywasâDonâtTell,DonâtExist.âFromKurttoCassandratomymother,myentirelifewasalie.
Thetiewasstillonthebedpost.Iâdreadonlineaboutotherboyswhoâdoffedthemselvesby hanging.Allyouhavetodoisfindsomethingtoputaroundyourneckandleanforward;once youpassedout,gravitydidtherest.Iputthetiebackaroundmyneckandslippeditneatlyover thebedposttotestit.Sure,Momwouldbedevastatedatfirst,butmaybenotwhenshefoundout thetruthaboutme.Wouldnâtthisbebetter?Nobodywantsafagforason.