What if you could gift someone the meaning of life?
That is Wally Palmerâs hope this Christmas. Third grader Wally lives alone with his father, an ill professor struggling with depression and unable to summon much holiday spirit. When his father reveals that the source of his sadness is not knowing the meaning of life, Wally becomes determined to find it for him.
In this holiday comedy, Wally and his best friend, Sarah, embark on a quest to find the meaning of life over their schoolâs winter break. Theyâll face Wallyâs greatest fear, dogs; Sarahâs cunning little sister; and worst of allâŚcops.
Wally will do anything to see his father happy this Christmas, but will his determination be enough?
Content warning: While Wally and the Holiday Jailbreak is told through the eyes of a third grader, it is an adult comedy that includes mature content. Parental discretion is advised.
What if you could gift someone the meaning of life?
That is Wally Palmerâs hope this Christmas. Third grader Wally lives alone with his father, an ill professor struggling with depression and unable to summon much holiday spirit. When his father reveals that the source of his sadness is not knowing the meaning of life, Wally becomes determined to find it for him.
In this holiday comedy, Wally and his best friend, Sarah, embark on a quest to find the meaning of life over their schoolâs winter break. Theyâll face Wallyâs greatest fear, dogs; Sarahâs cunning little sister; and worst of allâŚcops.
Wally will do anything to see his father happy this Christmas, but will his determination be enough?
Content warning: While Wally and the Holiday Jailbreak is told through the eyes of a third grader, it is an adult comedy that includes mature content. Parental discretion is advised.
Three successive chimes rang over the Bear Creek Elementary School intercom like bells in the school Christmas choir. Two of Wallyâs classmates sprang to their feet and ran toward their backpacks, but Wally knew better. He glanced at his best friend, Sarah Evans, who was sitting on the edge of her red plastic seat with her elbows resting on her desk.
âOlivia, Charles, come sit back down,â Mrs. Brenda said with her hands on her hips.
Mrs. Brenda wore a knee-length cotton dress covered in flowers and vines. Her short, voluminous brown hair was sculpted in place like a rock. Even the one time Mary flew off the swing and Mrs. Brenda had to run and save her, her hair never moved. Sarahâs mom, Mrs. Evans, said it was because she used too much hairspray and that the smell gave her a headache, but Wally liked the smell.Â
âI wonât see you for two weeks and two days. Does anyone know how many total days that is?â Mrs. Brenda asked.
Nobody raised their hand.
âSomebody must know⌠We canât start Christmas break until we know when to come back.â
Wally knew the answer was sixteen days. He considered raising his hand, but the thought of it made his face turn hot. He didnât want everyone to look at him.
Kids from other classes were already throwing snowballs and making angels outside beyond the classroom windows. The snow was coming down hard enough that the mountains behind the school were no longer visible. Sarahâs dad, Mr. Evans, told Sarah and Wally that Santa was making it snow for Christmas, but they had decided the week before that they didnât think Santa was real. Wally was worried that he didnât have a present for his father yet.Â
He scanned the room, hoping somebody else would tell Mrs. Brenda the answer. He had important shopping to do and needed to leave.
Sarah raised her hand. Black pigtails flowed from her round head down the back of her golden shirt with a glittery menorah on it. Her desk was on the other side of the classroom from Wally because Mrs. Brenda had caught them making eraser shavings for their collection the week before while she was talking and separated them.
âSixteen,â Sarah answered, âand itâs holiday break, not Christmas break because some people donât celebrate Christmas.â
âVery good, Sarah,â Mrs. Brenda said, moving her hands from resting on her hips to being clasped behind her back. âI will see you all in sixteen days. Have a Merry Christmas! You may go.â
Most of the kids ran to pack their backpacks, but not Wally. He rushed over to Sarah.Â
He had found a white eraser on the floor in the hallway when he went to the bathroom after recess, and he spent all of history class rubbing it on a blank piece of paper, turning it into eraser shavings. He handed Sarah an empty metal mint tin full of the shavings.
Sarah opened the tin. âYou found a white one?!â she exclaimed.
Wally nodded.
She ran back to her desk, raised the tabletop, and stacked the tin on top of three others inside. Most of their classmates were still bundling themselves in jackets, hats, and scarves when Wallyâs friend Jake sprinted toward the door on the opposite side of the classroom and shoved it open. Cold air rushed inside, blowing a cloud of snowflakes into the room. Jake was always the fastest to leave because his boots zipped up, so he didnât have to tie them.Â
Wally put his coat on, shoved his Minecraft lunchbox with a Creeper on it into his backpack, and tied the laces of his dirty white sneakers.
âDid your dad figure it out yet?â Sarah asked. Wally slung his backpack over his shoulders.
âFigure out what?â Olivia asked. She wore a pink jacket and gloves, and her ponytail protruded through a hole on the back of her purple beanie, which had an embroidered Olaf patch stitched to the front of it. Oliviaâs backpack was already on, and she was cradling a doll with long blonde hair and plastic skis clipped to her feet. Sarah and Olivia were friends, but Wally didnât like Olivia because all she ever wanted to do was play with dolls and convince Sarah to play too.
âWallyâs dad is really sad because he canât figure out the meaning of life,â Sarah told Olivia as she slid her arms into her jacket.
âMy dad already knows that,â Olivia replied.
The muscles between Wallyâs eyebrows twitched as he squeezed his backpack straps. His dad was a professor and way smarter than Oliviaâs dad. âNo he doesnât,â Wally countered.
Olivia nodded her head, âHe told me.â
Wally reached down and pulled Oliviaâs doll from her arms. One of its skis broke off and fell to the floor.
âHey!â Olivia shouted, swiping at the air in the direction of the doll.
âTell me,â Wally demanded.
Olivia dropped her arms to her sides as her face scrunched up. She let out a wail like a baby, âWaaaahhhh!â
âOlivia, whatâs wrong?â Mrs. Brenda hollered from across the room.Â
Olivia stared at Wally, tears pouring down her face. Even though she was one of the first kids to turn nine years old in their class, she cried the most. That was another reason Wally didnât like her.Â
From the corner of his eye, Wally saw Mrs. Brenda take a step toward him. His heart raced in his chest at the thought of being sent to the principalâs office. If he got in trouble, it would make his dad even sadder.
Oliviaâs sobs grew louder, âAhhhhh!â
âOlivia, use your words,â Mrs. Brenda demanded, marching toward them.
Olivia raised her arm and pointed at Wally. His stomach sank.
Wally glanced at Sarah, who was staring at him with an expressionless face. He dropped Oliviaâs doll, which landed on the ground next to its fallen ski. Wally thought about running straight out of the classroom and into Mr. Evansâs car, but the door that exited directly outside was in the direction of both Olivia and Mrs. Brenda. Olivia fell to her knees to pick up her doll. Her face burned red like an apple as she screamed, âNooooo!â
Wally turned around and slinked out of the other classroom door into the hallway with his head down, hoping Mrs. Brenda wouldnât notice him.
âWally, come back here!â Mrs. Brenda yelled. She sounded mad. Sheâd never yelled at Wally like that before. Heâd heard her yell at other kids, but never him.
Wally sprang into a sprint, almost tripping over his own feet. He hoped that Mrs. Brenda would stay back to help Olivia pick up her doll and that heâd have time to escape through the doors at the front of the school. If he could escape, sheâd forget about what he did by the time they came back from holiday break. The halls were nearly empty, but a few older kids hugging textbooks against their chests stared at him as he flew past.
Wally glanced over his shoulder. His temples began pounding rapidly when he saw Mrs. Brenda burst through their classroom door. Her eyebrows were narrowed and the smile she usually wore all day long was turned upside down. He felt her eyes lock onto his back.Â
âWally!â Mrs. Brenda shouted. âStop!â She broke into a jog and followed him. He was pretty sure he could outrun her, but then he saw Principal Anderson and her long blonde hair emerge from her office at the other end of the hallway near the front doors of the school. She held her hand up as Wally approached. They had him surrounded.
Wally saw the boysâ restroom on the right side of the hall. Mrs. Brenda and Principal Anderson were both girls and couldnât go into the boysâ bathroom. If he could wait there until they left, he still had a shot to avoid trouble.Â
He barreled into the bathroom door, swinging it open, then stumbled into one of the stalls and locked the deadbolt. He climbed on top of the toilet and stood still while holding his breath.
The door creaked open. Its harsh sound echoing off the white tile floors reminded him of the horror movie Lennyâs brother, Hunter, made them watch to scare them. âWally, come out right now!â Mrs. Brenda commanded through the doorway.Â
Wally remained frozen. It sounded like Mrs. Brenda was waiting outside like heâd planned. For a moment he thought he was home free. Then he heard the clicks of Mrs. Brendaâs heeled shoes tapping against the tile floor.
She couldnât come into the boysâ bathroom! Jake went into the girlsâ bathroom once, and Mrs. Brenda sent him to Principal Andersonâs office. Wally jumped off the toilet and spun frantically looking for a way out.
Tap⌠TapâŚ
Mrs. Brendaâs footsteps were getting closer. He wished he had to go to the bathroom. She couldnât come into the stall if he was using the bathroom. Heâd tell on her if she did that. Not even a teacher was allowed to come in when somebody was using the bathroom.Â
Wally didnât have to go, though. He already went during lunch.Â
Tap⌠TapâŚ
Wally looked left and right. There was nowhere to run. Heâd put himself in a cage. Maybe he could trick Mrs. Brenda into thinking he was using the bathroom? It was his only hope.
Wally leaned down toward the toilet. There were brown streak marks on the porcelain bowl and small bits of disintegrated toilet paper floating in the water. It smelled like after his dad used the toilet at their house.
Wally pressed his lips together, pushed air into his mouth inflating his cheeks, then squeezed the air out, making a fart noise with his mouth, âPfffftttt!â
Tap⌠TapâŚÂ
Why wasnât she stopping? He tried again, lowering his head closer to the toilet, âPfffttt!âÂ
Tap⌠TapâŚ
Mrs. Brenda must not have heard him. He needed to make the farts louder. Wally inhaled deep into his lungs, then pushed the air out his mouth with all his force. âPfffffffftttttt!!!â The sound reverberated from inside the toilet bowl out into the restroom.
âWally, unlock the door right now!â Mrs. Brenda demanded. She pushed on his stallâs door. It was locked and didnât budge, so she shook it more violently. He could smell her hairspray.
Mrs. Brenda must not have believed he was actually using the toilet, otherwise she wouldnât try to come in. He needed something smelly he could put in the toilet so sheâd believe he was pooping. Â
What was something smelly he could put in the toilet?
âWally!â Mrs. Brenda shouted. âCome out right now. Youâre already in big trouble.âÂ
Mrs. Brenda had only yelled that loud twice all school year. Her sharp tone hurt his ears. His palms started sweating as he pulled his Creeper lunchbox from his backpack and unzipped it. His father made him a tuna sandwich every day even though he hated the smell of tuna. Mr. Evans usually gave him a better lunch when they picked him up for school and told Wally to throw the tuna away, but not to tell his dad because it would hurt his feelings. Wally was lucky he forgot to throw his tuna sandwich away that day. Now he had something smelly!
Wally opened the plastic bag. Chunks of pink meat were sandwiched between two pieces of white bread with the crusts cut off. He didnât know why his dad cut off the crust because he liked the crust. The smell of tuna made him gag, so he pulled the collar of his shirt over his nose and clamped his nostrils closed with his fingers.
Mrs. Brenda yelled at him again, âWally!â
He ripped a piece of the sandwich off and dropped it into the toilet. It made a plunk sound when it hit the water. Just like a real turd! Surely this would trick her.
He almost forgot, âPffftttt!âÂ
âWally, youâre going to get a red card if you donât come out right now,â Mrs. Brenda warned, shaking the door again.
He tore more pieces of the sandwich off and dropped them in the toilet. Plunk. Plunk. Plunk. âIâm pooping!â he shouted.Â
Plunk⌠Plunk⌠Plunk. âPffftttt!â
The bread floated on top of the water with the old toilet paper, but the chunks of pink tuna sank slowly to the bottom of the bowl and covered some of the brown skid marks.
Wallyâs vision blurred as his eyes began to fill with tears. He didnât want to be in trouble before Christmas. He worried Santa wouldnât come and his dad wouldnât get his wish to figure out the meaning of life. Then heâd be sad for another year, and it would be Wallyâs fault.
âPfffttttââ Wally made one more fart sound, but stopped halfway through when he started to cry.
âYou have until the count of five to open this door,â Mrs. Brenda demanded. âFive⌠Four⌠Three⌠TwoâŚâ
Wally reached for the door lock.
Hold on tight for a holiday story that will touch your heart and tickle your funny bone at the same time. Set in Boulder, Colorado at Christmastime, Wally and the Holiday Jailbreak is about a young boy who has to grow up fast as a result of living with his depressed and critically ill, widowed father.
It's just before Christmas break. Third graders at Bear Creek Elementary School are getting restless. Wally Palmer winds up in Principal Andrewâs office for allegedly stealing a doll from a classmate. Itâs not really his fault. Wally's distracted because he's trying to think of something to get his dad for Christmas. But what do you get a parent who says all he wants for Christmas is Dunkinâ Donuts coffee?
Cleared of wrong-doing on the doll swiping charge, Wally just wants to make his dad happy. Wally figures his dad is sad because Dad doesnât know the meaning of life. What follows is a mad dash through fifteen charming chapters as Wally and his âpartner in crime,â Sarah Evans, set out to make Wallyâs dad happy by discovering the meaning of life. They consult Alexa. Wikipedia. And even the Evansâs dog, Bee Bee. Incidentally, âdogs know a lot about life that we donât.â Same goes for Bop, a new arrived pup with a heart of gold. (Heâs also a major scene stealer.)
Less than one hundred pages, Wally and the Holiday Jailbreak packs a punch into fifteen short, pithy chapters. This includes peanut butter frozen yogurt. Stardust. Cheese pizza. Waffles and Mrs. Butterworthâs Syrup. Christmas trees. Hummingbirds. Blue screens. A bow and arrow. A vagrant named Pendle who claims inside knowledge on âall the secrets of the universe.â This fun-filled frolic culminates in a holiday âjail break.â But itâs not what you think.
A quick and easy read, this book is a hoot and a half. Itâs clever. Insightful. Nimble. And highly readable. The humor is definitely ten year-old-ish. So be advised.
Also note that this book comes with a content warning: âWhile the story is told through the eyes of a third grader, please note that it is âan adult comedy that includes mature content. Parental discretion is advised.âÂ
Entertaining, engaging, and just plain fun! I'd grab a copy now, 'fize you.
My rating: 3.5