Cynical and sardonic Eva Brooks ponders what it would take to be satisfied in life.
She fights against familial expectations and societal constraints. She lands herself in an unsatisfying marriage and conventional life and realizes she is gloomier than ever.
After reuniting with Riley, the woman of her dreams, her life changes forever.
A future of happiness hovers on the horizon, beckoning and calling her forward.
Just when Eva thinks she has it all, Doug, her jilted ex husband has put their son in the care of his new wife, Lucy- an abusive and ever angry woman.
After trying unsuccessfully to protect her son using or those methods- life and death take an unexpected twist.
Can Eva use her haunting new ability help her son?
Cynical and sardonic Eva Brooks ponders what it would take to be satisfied in life.
She fights against familial expectations and societal constraints. She lands herself in an unsatisfying marriage and conventional life and realizes she is gloomier than ever.
After reuniting with Riley, the woman of her dreams, her life changes forever.
A future of happiness hovers on the horizon, beckoning and calling her forward.
Just when Eva thinks she has it all, Doug, her jilted ex husband has put their son in the care of his new wife, Lucy- an abusive and ever angry woman.
After trying unsuccessfully to protect her son using or those methods- life and death take an unexpected twist.
Can Eva use her haunting new ability help her son?
What will it take to be happy? Eva thought as she looked across the bland office - tan walls, a pine desk, pastel watercolors in gold frames matted with cream, and a beige couch in which Eva sat. Her thickly lashed light brown eyes blankly looked at Hillary, her therapist of the past 6 months. She was sad, but why, Hillary had asked.
“I’m lonely. I’m always lonely,” Eva stated. “All of my friends are getting married and getting on with life and I’m just here. I remember my dad did a tarot reading on me when I was like 14, and it said that I would never find love. I don’t want that to be the case.”
“Do you honestly believe that could be true?” Hillary asked.
Eva pushed her long curly auburn dyed hair back off her face and looked hard at Hillary. “I’m 26. When my mom was my age she already had me, had a house, was married twice. I have a bachelor’s degree, an apartment with a bitch of a roommate, a bunch of credit card and student loan debt and a job I hate.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Yes. I do believe it. I don’t know why I believe it. But I do. I know I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest or funniest girl. I don’t have conventional anything. I am an acquired taste. I don’t think anyone has ever, nor will anyone really acquire a taste for someone like me.”
Hillary crossed her legs and folded her arms in front of her. Like her office, she is bland with not a lot of excess. Her outfit is simple and neutral colors. Her graying hair still holds some tones of mouse brown, cut in a bob. She wears little if any makeup, she is average height and build. Maybe that she is bland and utterly not distracting is what makes her a good therapist. She takes a deep breath and exhales. “Eva… What I’m seeing is that you really are feeling really low about yourself without looking at all that you have accomplished.”
Eva hated to hear that. She always had a way of walking into a room like she owned it. She could command attention and make most people like her. At least in the beginning. Then, without explanations she had this beautiful talent to shut down and push them out of her life, usually with very little reason. She narrowed her eyes and glared at Hillary for calling her out.
Hillary looked at the clock. “We are out of time today. I want you to really think about what aspects of you that you like and your accomplishments. Journal about them. Bring them with you to your next appointment.”
“Got it.” Eva stood up and exited the office.
Eva left the building without stopping to make a new appointment and sat behind the steering wheel of her gray Hyundai Sonata with the door open. It was January in Metro Detroit. It was sunny, blustery and cold. She didn’t care though. She felt numb, and as she stated in the office, alone. She wanted to call her mom, but knew she was busy. She wanted to call her Nana but didn’t want to hear the ‘This too shall pass’ cliche again. All her friends were busy planning weddings and having babies or sleeping off hangovers from the club last night leaving her with no one to call.
She looked at the clock on her cell phone. It was just after eleven in the morning. She was supposed to be at work at one. She had cut the night out with Drew and Dan early last night so she could get to this appointment on time. “What a waste.” She exhaled watching her breath steam the windshield. She finally closed the door to her car and started the engine. She picked up her phone and called her boss, Julius.
When Eva had interviewed with him, she had been impressed. He was a retired detective from the Detroit Police. His office had a wall of honor covered in plaques and commendations. He was built like a linebacker, with close cropped salt and pepper hair, perfectly edged, and skin the color of cappuccino. His dark brown eyes were kind looking and deep set, but they could read anyone like a book. He seemed like he would be not just a boss but a mentor and that they would work well together. In the end, Eva felt like she did nothing but disappoint him. His deep resonating bass voice always preceded anything he had to say to her with an exasperated sigh.
When she had interviewed for the job - Executive Team Lead, Asset Protection, she felt she was perfect for it. She sat in a crisp gray form-fitting suit, black heels, hair slicked and full of confidence. It blended her education in Criminology and her experience in retail. She exuded confidence and Julius ate it up.
Now, as she steered her car onto the freeway, listening to the phone ring, she was a shattered illusion of that confidence. She was terrible at the job, and she had never been terrible at anything in her life. Avoiding the fact she was terrible was her only option right now.
He answered the phone, “Hello, Eva…”
“Hey, Julius. I am not feeling well. I think I ate something bad last night. I can’t come in.”
On the other end he was silent for a moment. The dreaded sigh came out over the phone and Eva winced. “Eva, we were supposed to meet today to discuss your performance.” His voice was ominous.
“I know. But, Julius, like I can’t go more than a few minutes without running to the bathroom.”
“It sounds like you’re in your car.” He didn’t miss a thing.
“I am. I am going to the store to buy medicine,” she said quickly.
“Right. Right. Okay.” He totally did not believe her. “Do you think you will be in on Monday?”
“I should be. I made the schedule for the week, and we are more than staffed in my department without me today. I was just an extra to make my hours.”
“You usually are.” There was no sarcasm or lightness in the comment. It was heavy and true.
“Yeah. I get it. I will see you Monday.” Eva hung up and fought back the tears. She drove on autopilot until she got to her apartment complex.
The layer of snow on the ground was just enough to blanket the modest town home style buildings and their small front lawns in a few inches of glittering white. Icicles hung from the tree branches and a few black birds and cardinals who were tough enough to endure the cold adorned the branches. It would be so pretty if it were not so cold.
Eva ran up the steps and unlocked her door. “Starling!” she called. Her tan and white Chihuahua came running from the couch. She grabbed the small dog’s leash and went to fasten her.
“Oh… I thought you had to work today.” Beth, her bitch roommate stumbled out of her room. She was wearing a pink terry cloth robe, and her hair in a greasy brownish colored ponytail. Her blue gray eyes were puffy and caked with about 2 days’ worth of eyeliner and mascara.
“I called in. Starling and I are going for a walk.”
Beth began fumbling with the coffee maker. “Can you at least try to dispose of your grinds when you are done in the morning? This is gross. I have to clean up after you so I can make coffee every day.”
“Whatever, Beth. I will see you later.”
Eva and Starling went out of the door into the cold, and down four doors to Drew’s. She knocked loud on the door.
“Oh, hey darling!” Drew exclaimed as he opened the door. Drew was her best friend. Her brother from another mother. He was swarthy, with impeccable hair (always), lean and muscular, with a dazzling smile that always came from the heart. Most women would consider him sexy. They had met while out clubbing one night at a gay bar in Ann Arbor. They were both drunk and striking out and decided to make out with each other. It was the furthest they had gone, but they were kindred souls and inseparable since.
Eva could smell fresh baked quiche and bacon frying on the stove top. “I am almost done making breakfast for Jose and I. Come in.”
“Jose is coming over?”
“Honey, he never left. He’s moving in! Didn’t I tell you last night?” Drew smiled, his dark brown eyes genuinely happy.
“Of course. You, too.”
“Me too, what?”
“You are turning into a couple. A pod person. Next thing you know I’m going to have to go to Macy’s for your registry as well,” Eva said as she rolled her eyes and sat at the reclaimed wood kitchen table he purchased from an artisan market. “Where is your dashing Puerto Rican prince?”
“He’s in the shower. Be nice. I thought you had to work today?”
“I’m taking a mental health day. I don’t want to deal with Julius. I think I am getting written up today. Drew, my life is a mess.” Eva laid her head down on the table.
“Baby Girl… We need to talk.” Drew turned the stove off and transported the bacon to a plate.
“About?” Eva pulled her hair out of her face and up into a messy bun on top of her head.
“You. And why you are so depressed all of the time.” Drew pulled a piece of bacon into small bits and fed them to Starling.
“Don’t give that to my dog. She’s going to have diarrhea and she will shit all over your apartment.”
“That’s okay. You will clean it up.” Drew grabbed a bottle of champagne and orange juice out of the fridge and set them on the table.
A freshly showered Jose came in and sat across from Eva at the table. “Good morning! What a nice surprise. I thought you were working today?”
Eva forced a smile. “I’m crashing your Saturday morning brunch. I skipped work. I needed your man today.”
“Don’t we all!” Jose grinned devilishly. He really was a handsome man, always perfectly put together, never a hair out of place. He moved to Detroit from Puerto Rico when he got hired by Delta Air Lines. He was smaller and more compact than Drew, but every bit as handsome. His accent made him more alluring, though.
Drew began serving plates with quiche, bacon, and fresh fruit. “I was telling Eva that we need to talk to her,” he stated. “I think we need an intervention.”
“Yes, girl. We do. You are a downer. It sucks the life out of everything,” Jose said as he poured the champagne into glasses followed by the orange juice.
“Well. Okay.” Eva sucked in her breath bristling.
“Well, Baby Girl,” Drew began. “I wouldn’t say it quite like that.”
“I would.” Jose smiled.
“Well, I wouldn’t.” Drew continued, “I don’t think you are being honest with yourself, or what you want. I think it’s wearing you down and beating you down.”
“What do you mean?” Eva asked sitting up. She was feeling slightly attacked.
“What do you feel is bringing you down?” Drew asked bluntly.
“I’m lonely. Everyone around me is coupling up. No one is ever free to hang out. When we do, I’m a third wheel.”
“Amen,” Jose retorted, lifting his glass.
Eva glared at Jose.
Drew set a plate in front of her and one in front of Jose. “Listen… What are you looking for?” He sat down.
“A good guy. Someone who will love me and take care of me. Not financially, but emotionally. Someone who will make me laugh. Go on vacation with me…”
“A guy?” Drew challenged. “Do you think that’s being honest with yourself?”
“Why wouldn’t that be honest?” Eva asked. “Not everyone is fighting the closet like you did with Mona.” Eva was referring to Drew’s ex-wife. He was married to Mona for a painstaking 7 years. Being raised devout Pentecostal, he married a Pentecostal woman, and thought he could ‘pray the gay away’. This marriage not only brought forth misery, it brought forth two very cool kids that got to spend every other weekend and Wednesday nights with Drew and sometimes their ‘Auntie’ Eva.
“Fair enough. But you are,” Drew challenged. “Who were you making out with at The Aut Bar last weekend? Who was the last person you really enjoyed going out with?”
“Let’s be fair. I make out with a lot of people at the bar. Don’t forget, you were on the other end of that once yourself.” Eva avoided the question.
“You were making out with the little blonde girl from Estonia that was attending some art program at U of M,” Jose corrected. “And the last person you enjoyed going out with was Camille.”
“Drew, I don’t think I like him.” Eva glared at Jose.
“Honey, I don’t care if you like me,” Jose stated.
“He’s right, though. Maybe you are trying to fit square pegs in round holes looking for a man to settle down with. I am telling you because I see my struggle reflected in you. It cost me years of happiness, and it ultimately affected Mona and my kids. I don’t want to see you do what I did.”
“Drew, I tried to come out to my Nana and just tell her I dated girls occasionally and it cost me dearly. I am bisexual. I can be happy with either. You are just gay.”
“If you say so,” Jose retorted.
Drew sat his fork down on his plate. “Honey, I used to say the same thing.”
“What do you mean?” Eva challenged Jose.
“Girl… Look at you. You just look like a lesbo. Sensible shoes and all.”
Eva looked down at her Lucky Brand jeans, fitted flannel shirt and Doc Martens. “Can you send him away? I’m not even dressed like a ‘lesbo’. Stuck in the nineties eternally, maybe. And it’s Michigan in the winter,” Eva stated defensively.
Jose smiled and batted his eyes.
Eva rolled her eyes. “Drew, I see your concern. I honor your concern. But I cannot settle down with a woman. It would kill my grandmother. And I just don’t see myself being able to be happy in a relationship long term with a girl. It’s intense and there's all these feelings and expectations to settle like really fast.”
“But you want to settle down,” Drew interrupted.
“Yes. But not in like 3 weeks. I want the long-term courtship and stuff. And I want a wedding. I want a marriage. That’s not even legal.”
“It is in Hawaii. And Canada,” Drew corrected.
“We live in Michigan,” Eva came back.
“Just think about it. Remember that story you told me about that lesbian from New Orleans? The one from that New Year’s Eve party?”
“The cute butchy girl in the tux? My friend Riley? Yeah.”
“Tell me the story again.”
“Her girlfriend had to work on New Year’s Eve, and she had non-refundable tickets to a party at the girl bar. She asked me to go, and I went. It was black tie, so I wore a cocktail dress, and she wore a tux. And yeah, she was fucking hot as Hell. Tall. Cute. Dimples. Blonde. My type.”
“You told me you were so hot for her in that tux that you went back and broke up with your boyfriend the next day because you knew he would never be her. That says something. That guy, you told me, was sweet, and smart and everything a girl would want in a boy.”
“Yeah. But that’s different.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. It is. It was. This conversation is over. I’ve already spent an hour in therapy ruminating on why I’m depressed and lonely.”
“Good. It’s ruining my appetite,” Jose stated as he began to eat.
Days later, after being written up at work and countless arguments with Beth, Eva was sitting in her darkened office in the back room of the The Big Box Retailer security space. She often referred to her office as ‘The Cave’. It was always dark, and one wall was stacked with twelve monitors each focusing on different areas of the box store. Four monitors were dedicated to the check-out lines and could be focused in on specific cashiers, and with a flip of a switch she could also tap into the register to see what was being scanned or discounted by the cashier she chose to zero in on. All very high-tech for a discount big box store. Eva sat in The Cave, watching a cashier on camera with the register link glowing in the corner of the screen and checking her email.
‘Remember Me?’ is the subject of an email from a guy named Doug. “I probably don’t,” Eva muttered under her breath as she clicked it open.
‘Hey! I found your email on Classmates. We went to Hospital Corps School in Great Lakes. I always thought you were cute. I see on Classmates you still are. I hope this isn’t creepy. Anyhoo. Write back.’
“Who the fuck are you?” Eva asked as she read it again and again trying to get some memory of this person. She hit respond, ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t remember you. Can you drop some hints as to who you were to me?’ She clicked ‘send’ and went back to watching the cashier hoping to catch her passing merchandise to a friend without truly scanning it. She had to bust someone soon or she would be losing her job.
An hour into watching the cashier not pass a single piece of merchandise without someone paying properly, her email pinged. It was another message from Doug.
‘You were one week ahead of me in Corps School. We used to hang out in the smoking pit. We are both from Michigan. You started talking to me on accident because you thought I was someone else initially. Now, do you remember?’
“Oh yeah...” Eva said under her breath. She hit reply. ‘Yep. I remember you. What’s up?’ She hit ‘send’.
She looked at the clock and watched as the cashier checked out of her register and left for the day. No reason to stay here any longer, she thought to herself and slipped her shoes back on under her desk and grabbed her cell phone and purse.
She contacted the two floor walkers and front security greeters on a walkie-talkie that was on its charger on the desk and let them know she was leaving and slid out without anyone else noticing she had left.
By the time she got home, there was another response from Doug in her inbox. ‘Not much. I’m out of the Navy now. Living downriver and going to Wayne State. Are you still in?’
Cool, Eva thought, without absolutely any enthusiasm. She hit reply. ‘Yeah. I got out 5 years ago. I’m living in Ypsi. Working in Westland. Finishing my MA. What are you doing now? Better yet. Call me.’ She left her cell phone number at the bottom of the email.
Beth was not home. Eva took Starling for a walk and contemplated going to Drew’s. She kept going past his apartment and turned around and went back home, neglecting to pick up Starling’s mess from the grass.
She went back into the apartment, took a hot shower, put a fire on in the living room fireplace, made a bowl of Special K Vanilla Almond and sat down on a very beat up couch she had bought when she got her first apartment in the Navy. It was old, but comfortable, very cozy and cushy cream colored chenille. Eva turned the TV on. Starling curled up on the couch next to her. She was about halfway through the bowl of cereal and a rerun of Sex and the City when her phone rang.
She didn’t recognize the number, but flipped it open and answered, “Hello?”
“Hi.” It was a male voice.
“Who is this?”
“Doug Franz. From the Navy.”
“Oh. Hey, Doug Franz from the Navy.”
“What’s up?”
“What do you mean? You called me.”
“What are you doing?”
“Um. Eating cereal and watching TV.”
“What cereal are you eating?” he asked.
“Special K. Vanilla Almond.”
“What are you watching?”
“You ask a lot of questions. What are you doing?”
“Nothing. You left your number and said to call. So I called.”
“Cool. You are obedient.”
“Yeah.” He kind of laughed. It was silent.
“So… What are you doing being out of the Navy?”
“I’m going to school at Wayne State. Nursing.”
“Fun. Are you working?”
“No. I’m staying with my parents while I finish school.”
Could this conversation be any more awkward? She sat there trying to figure out what else to talk about.
“So, like, are you married or kids or anything?” she asked.
“No. I never got married. No kids. You?”
“I got married for the benefits. Like contractual thing. But not like real married. I’m legally divorced now, though. No kids. Thank God! Oh my god. I would suck at the parenting thing.” She kind of laughed at herself.
He laughed a little, too. “What does a contractual marriage mean?” he asked.
“We both needed money. The Navy pays extra to be married to civilians. So, as I was getting out, we got married. Split the benefits for a few years.”
“I see. So you are single now?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m single. You?” she asked.
“Yeah. I was engaged, but she cheated on me, so that’s over.”
“That sucks. Was it a long time ago?”
“Few months.”
Silence again.
“Hey, what are you doing on Friday?” Eva asked.
“Nothing.”
“My friend is in a band. She’s performing at The Blind Pig, in Ann Arbor. Wanna go?”
“Are you asking me on a date?” he asked.
“I mean… No, maybe. I don’t know. I don’t even remember what you look like. I’m just asking if you want to go see a band on Friday. You do or you don’t.”
“Sure. I’ll go.”
“Cool. I will email you my address. Be here by like 7 Friday night. We can get something to eat first.”
They said awkward goodbyes and hung up.
She finished her cereal, let her dog out for a moment on the patio and grabbed the little animal and went to bed.
The next day Eva called a few of her friends and made sure at least a handful would be at The Blind Pig in case this was a disaster. There is no way in Hell any good is going to come of this, she thought, the man can’t even carry a conversation and he still lives with his folks.
She had yet another day at work with zero theft busts. The day had droned on as she sat in The Cave watching cashiers on monitors all day.
As she was driving home, her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID on the screen. It was Benjie. Benjie was a doctor that her ex-girlfriend Camille worked with and hooked Eva up with as she broke up with her to get engaged to her (stuck up, elitist male) dentist. Eva wondered if Camille considered Benjie a consolation prize. He was tall, and in awesome shape, vain enough to spend five mornings a week at the gym no matter what, no excuses. His dark brown hair was in a preppy southern boy Republican haircut, with narrow sharp brown eyes and chiseled features. Benjie was a typical fox that only panned out to be nothing more than an occasional booty call. But he always bought dinner, and the sex was good. She answered the phone.
On their first date, a double with Camille and Chad the dentist, Camille slipped discreetly written notes from her placemat to Eva telling her how sexy she looked, and they slipped off to the bathroom discreetly to make out before returning to their dates. Camille’s purpose, Eva figured, was that they could both marry well and keep a low-key affair going for as long as possible. It didn’t work out that way. Camille married and became a virtual stranger and Eva was still Eva.
“Hey, stranger.” Her voice dropped to a low purr as she answered Benjie’s call.
“Hey… I’m in town. Where are you?” he asked. He had moved back to Oklahoma, where he was from after his internship and residency at University of Michigan had ended. But it didn’t stop him from coming back to Ann Arbor periodically for visits with friends, weddings, or other social events.
“I’m just getting off work. Where are you?”
“I’m staying at the University Inn, downtown. You want to meet up for some Indian food at Shalimar?”
“Let me go home and change. Meet you there in an hour?”
Eva got home, took Starling for a walk and invited Drew to come over while she got ready.
Drew sat and kicked back on her bed while she changed into something cuter for Benjie.
“I can’t believe you are going to go out and hook up with Benjie,” Drew said as he watched Eva select one top after another, ripping them off and putting on another, leaving the rejects in a pile on the floor.
“Don’t be so judgmental. I haven’t seen him in months. I’m also horny and hungry and broke and single.”
Eva selected a form fitting black sweater with a low V neckline that emphasized her bust line showing just enough cleavage to be sexy, but not enough to be trashy, and low-rise jeans. “What do you think?”
“You look like you are going for a hook up. I forget sometimes, you have a cute little body! Look at those curves! You look hot!” Drew said.
Eva rolled her eyes. She piled her curls on top of her head and put a clip to hold them in place, a look that recalled her very distant Grecian heritage.
“Why do you think Benjie is in town?” Drew asked.
“I don’t really care,” Eva said as she put her eyeliner on.
“Remember when he broke up with you because you said you would never move to Oklahoma?”
“Yeah?”
“He was a hell of a catch. He’s hot. He’s a doctor. He adored you. You said it was great sex. You let him go.”
“And he comes to town to hang out with his friends quarterly. He always calls me. We have a lot of fun. And then he goes back to Oklahoma, and I don’t have to worry about a thing.”
“You let him go. You could have been in a long-term committed relationship. Hell. Married. You let him go.”
Eva threw her eyeliner back in the drawer. “What’s your point, Drew?”
“You keep complaining about being lonely and single. I watch you throw away good catch after good catch. You are looking for something you will not get from these men. A man isn’t what you want or need.”
“Drew, I’m not going to have this conversation with you. I’m not gay. I don’t think I would be any happier with a woman than I would be a man. The last woman I was with dumped me so she could marry her uptight dentist. She set me up with what is now my very consistent quarterly booty call.”
Drew fluffed the pillow behind him and rolled onto his side to make room for Eva so she could sit on her bed and fasten her high-heeled boots. “Tell Jose I’m not wearing sensible shoes tonight,” she remarked.
Eva beat Benjie to the restaurant. Benjie knew this was her favorite to such an extent, half of the waitstaff knew her by name.
“Miss Eva!” Sani, her favorite waiter greeted her.
“Hi, Sani! Two please.” She stepped in past the threshold of the small, darkly lit restaurant. Indian pop music played softly in the background. The dim chandeliers made the illusion of dancing lights on the wall. Small faux tea lights were lit on the tables in the booths. The tantalizing smell of spices and curry hung thick in the air.
“Let me take your coat.” He stepped behind her and removed her long black velour trench coat. It was her favorite coat for looks but entirely impractical in the Michigan winter.
He hung her coat in a stand behind the host counter and led her to one of the dark booths in the back. “Who is meeting you tonight?” Sani asked.
“My guy friend, Benjie.” She could see him enter as if on cue as she said it. “He’s right here.” She waved so that he could see her being seated in the back.
Benjie smiled and walked quickly to the booth pulling his beanie off as he sat. “For the life of me I don’t know how you manage to live here. Oklahoma gets winters, but not like this.” He slid his coat off and handed it to Sani.
Eva shrugged. “I hate it, too. But it’s where I live. How are you?”
“Good. I haven’t seen you in a while. You look amazing.” He smiled wide and his eyes sparkled.
She forced a smile. He was everything her Nana would want for her. He’s a doctor. He’s devilishly handsome. Fit. Funny. Personable. She ran down the Nana Checklist in her head. Check, check, check. She put her head in her hand. “You look good yourself.”
“I haven’t seen you since Camille’s wedding,” he said. They had gone together, he had flown in just to accompany her. “That was a night, right?” Which it was. Eva drank a lot. She had to keep the drinks coming in to keep her feelings from falling out. Watching Camille marry Chad, for a lack of better words, sucked, and Eva had a lot of opinions about the marriage, none were favorable or kind.
“No… I know. You haven’t been back since,” Eva said.
“You can always come down and visit me.” Benjie cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Benjie… I don’t want to go to Oklahoma. I drove through it twice. I’m good. Can we not do this? Let’s keep it simple tonight. How’s your practice?”
“Getting busy. What do you mean ‘keep it simple’? I’m just asking you to come visit me. Change of scenery, you know? I bought a house. It’s a new build. You have a good eye for art and stuff. I would love for you to come take a look and help me decorate it.”
“That doesn’t sound light.” Eva stopped smiling and took a sip of water.
Sani came on cue to take their orders.
Benjie ordered a bottle of red wine.
They kept the conversation light and easy while Sani poured wine and brought out samosas.
“I really love it when you do your hair like that,” Benjie said as he finished his samosa and set his fork down. He reached across the table and gently took Eva’s hand. His hands were warm, and his eyes were soft. Eva looked down. She couldn’t look at him. She didn’t know why. Her heart was racing.
Sani brought the dinner order and Eva let go of Benjie’s hand so Sani would have room to set the food on the table. “Thank you,” she said. Meaning it both for Sani and Benjie.
Benjie laughed and shook his head. “Girl. You have walls. You will never let me in, will you?”
Eva smiled at him. “You don’t quit.”
“Not in my nature to,” he quipped.
After dinner, they walked out of the restaurant. It had begun to snow. Benjie put his arm around her as they walked down the street and drew her close. She enjoyed his size. He towered over her, and he was always so warm in his body and his personality. He was confident. He was sunshine and joy wrapped in human flesh. Easy going. What the fuck is wrong with me? she asked herself.
They walked in the cold snow glittering in the street lamps, the block and a half to his hotel. They laughed and chatted easily, their breath steaming in the cold, and went up to the room after walking into the warm hotel entrance. It was so easy to let go and let him undress her, caress her, let his mouth wander over her body. She let herself enjoy his warm hands and his weight on top of her.
When they had both had enough, she rolled onto her side so he could spoon her. That was her favorite part of being with him, he made the best big spoon. He nuzzled into her neck and squeezed her closer to him.
“Eva… we need to talk.”
She closed her eyes and held her breath. “Just get it out,” she managed to say.
“I think we are wasting time. I think we could be more. I think I could make you happy. I know you make me happy. Watching Camille get married I got to thinking. And being there with you… I really got to thinking. And I haven’t stopped thinking since. Think about it. Really think about it.”
She closed her eyes. She wondered if she could just pretend she fell asleep. She didn’t say anything.
“Eva… I think we could really be together.”
“Benjie, you have never once told me you love me. You have never once said how you feel about me. I’ve never told you I loved you. You are just wanting to settle because we are convenient, and the sex is good.” She managed to get all of that out in one exhale. She rolled onto her back so they were now nose to nose.
“Maybe that’s all there is, though? Romance and highs and lows are for Hollywood. You and I are more practical than that. Analytical. We make sense together. We fit together.”
“Benjie… I can’t live in Oklahoma.”
“You never tried.”
“You are asking me to give up my life and to go and live with you, and we are not in love.”
“I believe love grows. It can come. It would come. Think about all of those arranged marriages that work out. They are not in love when they first get together, but eventually, it happens.”
“Sani moved all the way to America to avoid his wife from an arranged marriage. No. I mean… Not no that love couldn’t come. I agree with you. I think. But I just can’t leave my life. You are asking me to leave everything for one thing. I can’t do that. I agree with you, that maybe we could find the love. That it would happen. I mean… You are amazing, Benjie. You are so fucking everything I should want. And I’m lucky that you are here with me, and you want me, and you see something in me. But I can’t give up everything for you when it’s not certain. When you can wake up after a few months and realize I’m not what you thought I was. When it’s not the fun little trysts and it’s every day me… The messy me. The depressed me. The bitchy me. Then what?”
This was all true. The two of them never had a serious conversation about beliefs or life. She had never once called him when she was down to talk about life. They went to bars together. They went to parties. The rented movies and had great sex. But he never really knew her. She doubted he could even name her political affiliation or favorite song. She certainly couldn’t name his.
“You think I would get that way? That I would throw you away?” His hand was cupping the side of her face, as he looked right into her. He was mortified that she would think this of him.
“Benjie, you only know a small fraction of who I am and what I am. I’ve been your party girl. Your hookup. You haven’t been witness to what I am like on the daily. What I can be. How I can be. I am my very best when you are around. But that’s effort. It’s effort I don’t want to feel obligated to give every day all day. I don’t think you would like who I am most of the time.”
“Try me.” He kissed her forehead and smiled.
She just closed her eyes and smiled back at him. She tried to picture living in a country home in the south. She knew he would be the white picket fence type. She tried to picture the golden retriever and the Mercedes Benz (he had told her on their first date when he walked her to her Hyundai Sonata, that one day he would buy her one. She should have known then they were playing two different end games. She just took it as he was buzzed, and she was particularly loose that night with her dress and her actions).
“Let me sleep on it? I’m off tomorrow. You can take me to breakfast at Cracker Barrel.”
He laid his head next to hers on the pillow, keeping his arm across her body.
In the morning, she woke up and he was nowhere in the generic hotel room. She started the shower. She looked around the room and saw that his suitcase and belongings were still there on the suitcase rack in the closet, so she knew he would be back.
She got under the steaming water and heard the door to the room open and shut. “Honey, I’m home,” Benjie called. “I bring Starbucks. Americano, black, for the lady.” She smiled.
He peeked his head behind the shower curtain. “Are you lonely in there?” His eyebrow cocked.
“Come on in. Water’s fine.” She smiled. She watched him slide out of his sweats and move gracefully into the water with her. The back of her brain was screaming at what an idiot she was as she assessed his tall muscular body under the water.
“So, no work for you today, you said last night.”
“Mmmmhmmmm.” She poured shampoo into her hand and lathered his head. He smiled and closed his eyes. “You are supposed to buy me breakfast, remember?”
“I can get used to this. Better be careful.” She guided his head back under the water to rinse the shampoo.
“Maybe this is not something you get used to. This is just a special treat. Once in a while. If you get used to it, you take it for granted.” She lathered her own hair and moved around him so she could rinse.
He used his hands to help the shampoo rinse off her head.
“You know, I think most women would be more eager for this offer,” he said.
She grabbed his soap and began to lather him. “Most men would be happy with the way things are,” she countered.
He worked the conditioner through her hair with his fingers. He was silent. He had nothing to say.
They fell back into the bed for another round. He was trying to convince her at this point with his body and not just his words. She could feel his desperation for her in his every movement.
She knew she could have it all. She could have him and all that would come with it. Her Nana would be so pleased.
They drove separately to the restaurant. As he sat across from her he took her hand again and smiled. “If I told you I loved you, would it change anything?” He knew.
“No... I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” She shook her head and refused to look him in the eye. He had to know.
“I bet I can change your mind.” He smiled sadly at her. He knew.
She looked away and squeezed his hand. “If I was smart, I would make a different decision for sure. Benjie, you deserve a better woman.”
“I wish you saw yourself the way I see you.” He kissed her hand and let her fingers linger on his lips. Inside she was fighting a war with herself. What was right and what was wrong and why she would probably regret this decision down the road.
She left him at his rental car in the parking lot after a quiet breakfast and drove home.
It was a short drive home. The sky was the color of slate, and it was dark even though it was morning. It matched her mood. She let herself in her apartment and saw Beth and her boyfriend on the couch with Starling. “Has she been out?” Eva asked.
“Yep,” Beth replied. “And I fed her, too. Next time you plan on not coming home, let me know so I can be prepared to look after her.”
“Got it,” Eva said. “Starling!” she called out. The little dog jumped down from the couch and dutifully followed Eva to her bedroom.
In a random fit of wanting a change of scenery one afternoon she had pulled everything off the walls and painted them Tiffany Blue. Her purple bedspread and linens looked mismatched and juvenile against the bright cheery blue. Her television sat on the dresser across from the bed and her laundry basket overflowed in the open closet, next to the pile of rejected shirts from last night. She stood there as the muted sun tried to force itself in behind the heavy gray clouds. She tried to picture packing it all up and moving to Oklahoma and living in a real, grown-up home in a real, grown-up relationship.
She flung herself on the bed and called Drew, leaving him a voicemail.
She called her Nana. Nana wasn’t home either.
Eva got undressed and crawled under the covers. She could still smell Benjie on her skin. She inhaled deeply. “You are a stupid ass bitch,” she said to herself.
She fell asleep. It wasn’t until Drew was sitting on the edge of her bed that she woke up.
“Hey, Baby Girl,” he said. “Rough night?” He giggled and laid down next to her, letting Starling wiggle between them both.
“You have no idea. That crazy ass tried to talk me into marrying him.” She stretched and yawned.
“He proposed? Did he have a ring?” Drew was grabbing at her left hand trying to find it.
“Well, it wasn’t a proposal, so much as a ‘let's settle down together in my country home down in good ol’ Okli-homa.’” She tried to mock a country boy accent.
“So, when are you moving?”
“Bitch, please.”
“Why would you turn that down? If you are so lonely and so whatever… What more could you ask for? You have known that man for 2 years. You said it yourself, he’s the best straight lay you have had in forever… He’s offering you all that you want, and you are sending him back like cold fish at a restaurant. You know you will not be happy with a man, Baby Girl. You need to accept who you are.”
“I appreciate you, Dr. Phil, but that’s not the case. I’m not going to give up my whole life and move to Oklahoma for a man. What happens when he leaves me because he has buyer’s remorse? Benjie has always been impulsive. This is just one of his impulses.”
“I think you are in denial. But I will support you in your stupidity because you are my best friend, and that’s what friends do.”
“Thanks.”
“What time should I be at The Blind Pig tomorrow?” Drew asked getting up off of the bed.
“Oh. Fuck. I forgot about that.” Eva put her hands over her face. “I should cancel it. I don’t want to go. He was so weird on the phone.”
“Girl, you gave him directions to your home. And your phone number. You have to go.”
“Are you bringing Princess Jose with you?”
“No, he’s on a trip.”
“You don’t get jealous? Him being a flight attendant in every port?”
“I trust him. I’m okay. We have parameters and rules.” Drew stood near the bed. “I will see you tomorrow. What time should I be there?” He was pulling his coat back on.
“Shelley’s band starts at 9. Like 8:30?”
“Okay… I will see you there.” Drew leaned over and kissed the top of Eva’s head. “I love you, Baby Girl.”
“Love you too.” Eva gripped his wrist and squeezed before laying back down against the pillows.
Friday night, Eva was ready 20 minutes ahead of schedule. She was dressed in loose fitting jeans, a baggy torn sweater, and her hair piled in two pig tailed buns like horns on top of her head. A far cry from the sleek vixen like appearance she donned for Benjie two nights ago.
She was lacing her Doc Martens when there was a knock at the door. “Fuck,” she said to Starling. “I bet it’s him. I bet he’s early. This is going to be weird.”
The dog just looked back at her blankly.
She opened the door, and it was Doug. She remembered him the moment she saw him. He was tall and broad shouldered, lanky in the waist and long legged. He had a beakish nose and thin lips, and his eyes were a gray green, and expressionless. When they had first met all those years ago on the smoking deck at the training command, from a distance he had looked like this guy she used to flirt with. She had run up to him eagerly and thrown her arms around him and demanded he give her a cigarette. Now he was standing outside her door. He wore a backward fitted ball cap and a bulky, style-less down winter coat. She laughed, “Hey! Long time no see.”
“Hi!” He was nervous. “I’m sorry, I’m early. I expected there to be more traffic.”
She opened the door wider and stepped aside. “Come in. I’m just getting my shoes on. We can go early. Finding a place to eat on Friday will be hard anyway. Ann Arbor is always busy.”
“Um. Yeah… Okay.” He came inside and Starling came running to him to sniff the stranger. “What is that?” he exclaimed laughing.
“That’s my dog. Starling. I named her after Jodi Foster’s character in Silence of the Lambs.”
Doug followed her into the living room. “Nice apartment,” he said looking around, assessing the hodgepodge of furniture and varying art types hung about on the walls. Eva liked edgier art, whereas Beth, being a Texas native appreciated a more traditional type of art, choosing art prints of famous impressionist painters and landscapes. Eva having a lot of artist friends had raw canvas art on opposing walls depicting chaotic scenes with bold colors.
“I have a roommate. It’s not bad. She’s just a bitch. But she’s never really home and neither am I. So it works. My best friend lives a few doors down. That makes it infinitely better.”
“Cool. Cool,” Doug said sitting down on the couch. He slouched more than sat.
Eva sat on the chair opposite and slid on one of her Docs. “What kind of food do you like?”
“Um… Hamburgers? American? Mexican… I don’t know. What is there?”
Eva laughed. “Ann Arbor has it all. Mexican. Indian. Chinese. I won’t eat Chinese though. I got food poisoning a few years ago, and I can’t stomach it. But there’s whatever. You want American, we can go to a Coney close by.”
“Yeah. That sounds good.” He was quiet. His energy was quiet. Everything was quiet.
Eva didn’t know how to be around this. It was setting her nerves on edge.
“So, what are you studying at SVSU? I think you told me, but I forgot,” she asked to fill the silence.
“Um… Wayne State. Nursing. I really liked being in the medical field when we were in the Navy. You said you were finishing your Master’s. In nursing, too?”
“No. God no. I hated the medical field.” Eva waved her hands in front of her, like the idea was physically assaulting her. “I have my Bachelor’s in Criminal Justice Management. I’m finishing my Master’s in Criminology/Sociology. I’m working at The Big Box Retailer now. I’m the Executive Team Lead of Asset Protection.”
“That’s intimidating,” Doug said.
“It sounds more intimidating and interesting than it is. I sit and watch employees all day and wait for them to steal shit. It’s actually miserable.”
“At least you get a discount?” Doug offered.
“A whole 10%. It’s so not worth it. But I don’t know what else to do right now.” Eva laughed and laced up her other boot.
Doug had not bothered to take off his coat. He was dressed casual, which was good. A little bland, she observed. Kind of like him. If he had a flavor, she guessed it would be vanilla. Or plain shaved ice without the syrup.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked standing up. “I can drive since I know where we are going.”
“Sounds good.” He gave Starling a scratch on the top of the head.
Eva grabbed her coat and her keys.
They walked out to her car, and she tried to really feel something. Excitement. Happiness. Something. There was nothing.
Neither one spoke much on the way to the Coney. They walked in and sat themselves in a brightly lit booth. Eva undid her coat and pushed it to her side. Doug followed suit. He was lanky, but muscular not having packed on the obligatory pounds most people put on when they get out of the military she noted.
The waitress came by and took drink orders. “Chocolate malt, extra malt,” Eva ordered.
Doug ordered a Mountain Dew.
This was a far cry from any other date she’d been on in a long time. Is this even a date? she wondered.
They had a relatively quiet dinner without a lot of conversation. Eva looked at the clock on the wall. It was still way early for the show, but there was a bar at the venue, and they could get drinks. Maybe Drew will already be there, or she could see Shelley before she took the stage.
“Do you want to head over to The Blind Pig now? We can get a good spot and maybe grab a drink or two?” Eva suggested.
“Sure.” Man of few words.
After a silent drive over to the venue, Eva parked on the street a few blocks away from the night club. “We are going to have to walk. There won’t be parking anywhere close.”
“Yeah. That’s cool.”
God. She couldn’t read him. This has to be punishment for how I treated Benjie, she thought.
They walked side by side the two blocks to the club. The streets were dark, and snow was piled up on the corners. It was cold, and the sky was dark with clouds blotting out the stars. “What kind of music do you like?” she asked him.
“Kiss is my favorite, but I mostly like rock. But I listen mostly to sports radio,” he answered. Eva hated Kiss and though she loved sports, she hated sports radio. She got lost in the statistics and would get frustrated.
“Oh. This is like a 90’s cover band. They cover like Hole, and Rob Zombie, and Nirvana. My girl Shelley is the lead singer. She’s pretty awesome. She’s also my personal trainer.”
“That’s cool,” he said without much emotion.
They walked into the bar and paid a cover to the large bald bouncer in the front. The bar was a dark dive bar. The wood on the bar was beat up and scuffed, the floors probably had never met a mop. The walls were painted red and covered in posters from past performances. The stage was small and sagged in the middle. It smelled like smoke and stale beer. Eva led him over to the bar and they found two spots with a good view of the stage.
“Can you get me a vodka and Red Bull? I’m going to use the bathroom?” Eva asked.
Doug nodded. She ducked into the ladies’ room and called Drew. “Where the fuck are you?” she whispered into the phone pulling her lipstick out of her pocket.
“I’m almost there. Trying to find parking,” Drew said. “Why?”
“It’s fucking awkward. He doesn’t talk.”
“You don’t need him to talk,” Drew giggled.
“Ugh.” Eva hung up, fixed a few stray hairs, blotted her lipstick and went back to her spot at the bar.
She leaned over and got the bar tender’s attention. “Is the band backstage? Do you know?”
The very rough, bleached blonde, leather skinned from too much tanning, shirt straining against very large, very round, very fake tits, bartender nodded. “Yeah… Why?” Her voice was hoarse from too many years smoking two packs a day.
“The lead is my personal trainer slash friend. Can you send someone back to get her?”
The bartender rolled her eyes and tapped the bar back on the back. Doug just sat there watching. Eva had said nothing to him since returning. She sipped her drink that he handed her. She smiled and nodded a thanks.
A few minutes later, a heavily made up, short muscular blonde woman ambled out. She could have been a knock off Pink impersonator down to the singer’s edgy haircut. “Shells!” Eva jumped off her bar stool and hugged her friend.
“Doug, this incredible little bitch is my friend Shelley! She rocks.”
Shelley and Doug shook hands awkwardly. Shelley side eyed Eva. “I’m glad you made it out tonight. The whole gym crew is going to be here, too!”
“I’m excited! I’ve been wanting to catch your show for a while now.”
“I gotta go finish getting ready.” Shelley hugged Eva and went back.
“She seems interesting,” Doug commented.
“You don’t even know the slightest. She’s crazy. But she’s an amazing personal trainer and I love her.”
Doug just nodded and nursed his beer.
Eva scanned the bar as it was slowly filling up, looking for anyone she knew so she could talk to someone. She wondered if he was always this quiet or if it was just a new thing. Maybe he is regretting coming out here? she questioned.
She saw Drew and their friend Larry walk through. She waved them down. They stood out with their clean cuts and gelled hair and crisp Abercrombie outfits. The rest of the patrons were in tattered second-hand clothes, with shaggy hair and too much makeup.
She introduced Doug to them. Doug was by this point visibly uncomfortable in his surroundings.
She pretended not to notice and talked to Larry and Drew.
“Did you get to see Shelley before she takes the stage?” Drew asked.
“Yeah! She looks just like Courtney Love and Pink had a baby. It’s pretty awesome,” Eva said.
Doug just continued to drink his beer and fidget.
“I don’t think I’m sticking around for this show,” Larry said. “I’m going to head to The Aut Bar. This is so not my scene. I don’t want to get jumped outside or something.”
Drew looked plaintively at both Eva and Larry.
“Fine, you guys. Go. Maybe we will swing by The Aut Bar after the show.”
Drew looked relieved.
Larry laughed. “Yeah. You do that.”
Drew and Larry left just as the M.C. came out to introduce the band. Eva was relieved. At least there would be no more awkward silence.
Shelley and her band took the stage. Eva and Doug stood and watched and cheered the band. Eva wasn’t sure, but it seemed like Doug was having a good time. It was so damn hard to tell with him.
After the show, Eva ran backstage to congratulate Shelley, and then excused herself.
She grabbed Doug from his spot at the bar and began walking back to the car. “Do you want to stop by The Aut Bar and have one more drink?”
“I would rather not,” Doug said.
“Oh. Okay…” Eva trailed off.
“I just don’t know any gay people. I’m a little uncomfortable with the idea.”
“That makes sense. Just as an FYI… The majority of the people who are important to me are gay.”
“I am sure if I got to know them I would be better,” Doug offered.
“Yeah. Of course.” Eva just wanted tonight to be done. “I have to work tomorrow, so I should be getting home anyway.” It was a total lie. She was off tomorrow.
“Yeah. I have a long drive back to my place,” Doug said.
It was another silent drive back to her apartment. Doug silently watched the surroundings go by as she drove. When she parked, he looked at her for a moment. “I had fun tonight,” he said.
“You did?” she asked. She waited a second and said, “I did too…”
He leaned in and took her by surprise and kissed her.
She pulled back. “I wasn’t expecting that,” she said, and she smiled.
“I’m sorry if I misread…”
“No… It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it. I can’t read you. I can usually read most people. You, not so much.” The weight in the car was heavy. She opened the door and got out, walking to the sidewalk in front of her parking space.
Doug got out as well. “Can we try that again?” he asked.
She nodded and leaned in and let him kiss her. It was still awkward, but better than the last.
“Goodnight,” she said and turned and walked away to get out of the night, and get out of her head. It was exhausting her to be in her thoughts, trying to figure out whether or not Doug was enjoying himself, whether or not she was even enjoying herself, or why she wasn’t or why she should be having a great time.
****
Par for the course, she was noticing her life was in a never-ending downward spiral. Drew was infinitely busy with getting his catering business off and running and his relationship with Jose. Nana was busy cleaning up after the disasters her own kids were making. Her mom was sidelined with her shit storm of a relationship.
She felt infinitely closed in. Work was a nightmare. Julius was breathing down her neck. He had come in and wrote her up for lack of performance. She was not good at this job. She had never been not good at something she did. She always excelled. But more and more she was learning that she was not always going to be the star and she didn’t like the feeling.
And the pit of numbing loneliness was not helping this feeling.
She missed something but she didn’t know what that something was.
Doug called her every day, she talked to him for a few minutes each time he called. As she engaged in conversation with him, she found it easier and easier to talk to him.
She learned he liked video game, he wasn’t quite in the nursing program yet - he was waiting to get admitted. He lived with his parents and helped them out with odd jobs when he was not at school, but he was only taking one class right now which was his last prerequisite class. He helped coach the girls’ tennis team with his best friend. He liked to work out and did martial arts. He was provincial. Simple. Uncomplicated. Kind of a fixer-upper in comparison to most of the guys she dated.
He drove down to see her a couple more times. She learned to enjoy the silence. And she was so busy trying to decipher if he was having fun or what he was thinking, she got out of her own head.
When he stayed the night the first time, they watched an Adam Sandler movie. He didn’t really laugh out loud, he just smiled during the funny parts. She was so busy trying to comprehend him, she was able to explain away what a disaster it was. They were awkward, like two high school kids with each other. They couldn’t figure out the other’s timing. That he couldn’t maintain an erection for her, was a first she’d ever encountered. She wrote it off as nerves.
She would never tell anyone, not even Drew about that. She made a note. She told Doug it was not a problem. She rolled to her side and turned on the television and dozed off. She didn’t care.
Three weeks after that night, a few more sleepovers that got somewhat less awkward and more comfortable, they parted ways in the morning and Eva left for work.
She got to her office to find Julius sitting there waiting for her.
“Um. Hi,” she greeted him and set her bag down.
“We need to talk. Let’s take a walk around the store.” He got up. He was imposing. His sheer size dwarfed the room. Eva felt like she was 2-foot tall next to a giant. Her perspective began to shift, and the floor seemed unsteady under her feet.
“Okay.” Eva took off her jacket and put it over the back of her chair and she followed him around the sales floor. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest. She rubbed just under her collar bone as they walked. Her breathing shallow.
From the moment they hit the floor he started pointing out what she had been doing wrong in following the flow reports for each department. He started telling her what she did wrong in installing the security cameras in each department. Every word was what she was doing wrong and how she needed to do better.
She felt like he was talking to her under water. Her chest felt tight.
She smiled weakly and nodded.
She was trying to understand.
Department after department until they got back to her office, she could see his mouth moving. Heard sounds coming out of his mouth. But none of it made sense.
The only thing she heard was that she was on a final notice. If her numbers didn’t get better, she was going to be fired. She had never been fired from a job. She had quit many, but never fired.
Eva nodded. She thanked Julius and walked him out.
She went back to her office and fell to her knees. She couldn’t breathe. Oh my god she couldn’t breathe. Something was strangling her. Crushing her ribs and pulling the breath from her body. Her heart was beating in her ears. She felt like she was dying. Tears spilled in overdrive from her eyes. She began to heave as she sobbed. She couldn’t get enough breath to fill her lungs.
She called Drew and it went to voicemail.
She panicked. She called her friend Faye. She knew Faye would answer. She had met Faye when she met Camille, doing work study for extra cash in grad school. They all worked in the same office processing GI Bill requests. Faye was always the friend that would answer the phone and come and pick you up if you needed it. She was always reliable and always there. She was that friend that even if you had not spoken to her in 5 years, she would still answer the phone and pretend like no time had passed. When she answered, Eva blurted, “Help me. I’m at work. I need to get out of here. I think I’m dying. I can’t breathe. Help me.” She was gasping for air and the tears would not stop.
Faye was knocking on her office door minutes later. One of Eva’s under cover floor walkers let her into the office. Faye didn’t let the floor walker in, she blocked his view and shut the door in his face. She gathered Eva up, grabbed her purse and coat and ushered her out, coaching her as she went. “Stand up straight. Stop gasping and crying. You don’t want anyone to see you like this.” She shoved Eva in her car and drove her straight to the ER.
The nurse called her back after an hour's wait. During that time, Eva kept her head on Faye’s shoulder and let the tears continue. It was all she could do.
The nurse asked her what was going on. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I’m losing my mind.”
“Do you want to hurt yourself or anyone else?”
“No. I just can’t anymore.”
“You can’t what?”
“I don’t even know. I just know I can’t.”
The nurse nodded and wrote something down and walked out.
A few minutes later, to Eva’s horror, the doctor that came in was a friend of Benjie’s that she had hung out with several times. His name was Steve. He had a beautiful wife, and they had a cute house just outside of Ann Arbor. She watched a Super Bowl there. His life, his wife and his look appeared to have been cut out from a J. Crew catalogue.
“Hey… I never knew your last name. I didn’t expect to see you,” he said.
“I am so embarrassed.” She cried even harder.
“I can get another doctor,” Steve offered gently.
“No… Just no.”
“Okay… Tell me what’s going on…” His voice was soft, quiet, empathetic. He sat on the stool across from Eva.
She sobbed and told him everything about the day and how she had been feeling leading up to it. “God, you can’t tell Benjie you saw me like this.”
“First, we have doctor patient privilege, Benjie will never know. Second, you are having a panic attack. It sounds like you have been struggling for a while though. I’m going to prescribe you an antidepressant, an anti-anxiety, and something to help you sleep. I’m going to refer you for some therapy, and to take some time off work. I’m going to write the prescriptions and the nurse will be in with some of the meds now so you can get them on board and start feeling better.”
Eva nodded. “I have a therapist. But I’ve been avoiding her. I don’t need a referral. I will just make an appointment tomorrow.”
Steve smiled politely with his perfect teeth and nodded his head. “Okay… Well, hey… It will get better.”
She laid back on the table and closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing while she waited for the nurse to come in with the happy pills.
As she was breathing and waiting, her cell phone rang. She looked at the caller ID. It was Doug. She answered.
“Hey!” he chirped at her.
“Um. Hi. Yeah. Just so you know, I’m in the ER right now. I had a panic attack. I’m losing my mind. I can’t deal with anything right now.”
“How long have you been there?”
“I don’t know a couple of hours. My friend Faye brought me.”
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are they keeping you there?”
“No… I’m just waiting for drugs and then I’m going home.”
“Are you working tomorrow?”
“No. I’m off for like 3 weeks or something. The doctor is writing me a note.”
“Okay. Well -” as he was talking the nurse came in.
“I got to go.” Eva hung up.
The nurse handed her the medications and talked about the side effects. Eva just pretended to listen. She grabbed the papers from the nurse, hopped off the table and found Faye reading a National Geographic in the waiting room.
Faye stood up and looked at her friend with obvious concern.
Eva just walked over to her and hugged her hard. “Thank you for being here for me.”
“Of course. Do we need to make any stops? Do you want to go get your car?”
“I just want to go to the pharmacy and go home. I will get my car in a day or two.”
It was dark in the night. The air was cold, but spring was definitely coming. Eva was grateful for Faye and grateful for the Xanax as she could feel her body and her mind numbing to the crumbling of her life.
After taking all the medications prescribed, she climbed into her bed and slept like the dead. It was the first time in as long as she could remember not feeling anything as she dozed off. It was the first time in a long time that she slept through the night without waking in a panic.
It was well past daylight when she woke up to Starling barking and someone knocking on her sliding door to her patio. It was Doug.
She was surprised to see him as she distinctly told him what a train wreck she was at the ER last night.
“How are you?” he asked.
“Surprised,” she said as she moved out of the way to let him in and let Starling out.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because you are here. I told you where I was last night.”
“That’s why I’m here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
She smiled at him. She didn’t feel empty. But she didn’t feel anything really. She was just calm. She walked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.
“You’ve been hanging around for the last few weeks, and last night didn’t scare you away from me. I would say this is starting to be something,” Eva commented.
“I guess it is, yeah,” Doug said sitting on the couch.
“If it’s going to be something, we need to make some changes though,” Eva said. “You need to get a job. Like a real job. Not tending your parents. You also need to get accepted to nursing school. You need to branch out and apply for more than one program. You also need to not live with your mom and dad.”
Doug looked at her quietly.
“I’m not saying it all has to happen like today. But by the time I get back to work, you need to have all of that handled.”
Doug nodded acquiescing. “Okay. Sounds good. What are we doing today?”
“Going to get my car from work, taking my dog to the park, and somewhere in there I need to schedule with my therapist for this week.”
In the weeks following her breakdown, Eva began seeing Hillary twice a week instead of sporadically. Doug got over his fear of gays by hanging out with Drew and Jose for a dinner date, and that led to Drew hiring Doug to work for him at his catering business, which led to Doug moving in with Eva.
Since Eva was not working, she turned Doug into her project. Directing him to sit and apply and reapply for nursing programs. She took him shopping to spruce up his wardrobe and worked on introducing him to all the things she loved, including the Detroit Institute of Arts, Morrissey, and political talk shows on the news.
He was nonchalant about the hobbies but was an apt pupil in getting his life together for her.
He was accepted into the nursing program at Wayne State, which Eva loved the idea of. On nights he had school, he would just stay with his parents which gave her the space she craved.
She was calm. She was at peace. Everything was coming together. She was not excited nor excitable. She was just existing in a haze of calmness induced by the combination of antidepressants, anti-anxiety pills, and sedatives. She felt like she had no needs, no concerns. She wasn’t up, or down, or empty, or full. She just was.
She was nearing her 3 weeks off. Spring had definitely arrived. The cold dull of the Michigan winter had defrosted and all was warm and sunlight.
Eva arrived at her appointment with Hillary.
“You look well,” Hillary greeted her.
Eva smiled peacefully. “If I had known these meds would make me feel so good, I would have done this a long time ago.”
“Meds alone are not the answer,” Hillary quipped. “You have work you need to do.”
“Speaking of, I’m not ready to go back. I feel like I will be triggered if I go back in there yet. I can’t handle the thought of Julius.”
“I will extend your absence. What will you be doing meanwhile?”
“Looking for a new job. I feel like I need to accept that I suck at Asset Protection. At least for The Big Box Retailer. I need to find a new place to work. Something I can enjoy.”
“Are you already looking, then?”
“Yes. I’m avoiding my demons, I guess. But I think some can be avoided, right?”
“Sometimes. How is your relationship?”
“I feel like Benjie was right. I feel like settling is not a bad idea. This Hollywood grand romance shit is just make-believe. I think that’s what Camille did, and it worked out for her. Or is working out for her, anyway. I think people can just settle and find peace with another person; it doesn’t necessarily have to be love, right? You pick your person. You settle down. You make a life. Maybe love comes later. I think now that Doug is getting his life together, I can settle with him.”
Hillary raised an eyebrow at Eva.
“Do you think you are rushing into anything?”
“No. I mean, he moved in. But we are not getting married any time soon, or even talking about it. We are just settling in. He starts nursing school in August. So, I will still get some alone time a few nights a week. We are talking about getting our own apartment not with Beth. Oh. And I’m introducing him to Camille to see if she can get him a tech position at the Med Center.”
“Camille, your ex-girlfriend?”
“Mmmmmhmmmm. Yeah. She was a tech before she finished her nursing degree. It would be a better position for Doug while he’s in school than working for Drew.”
“Is he aware of how you identify?”
“Yes. I told him. I told him about my history.”
“How did he deal with that?”
“Fine. He’s chill. Nothing bothers him, really.”
“You have done a lot to help him. What have you been doing for you?”
“Me? I’ve been journaling and seeing you. I’m working on letting go of expectations of perfection.” Eva smiled proudly and brightly at Hillary.
Hillary only partially smiled back at Eva.
Camille pulled through with getting Doug a position on her floor as a tech. He would be working with in-patient gynecology oncology. The manager of the floor was able to honor a flexible schedule that would change with each semester to allow him to focus on school, and she guaranteed him a position as a full-time nurse once he graduated and passed the NCLEX.
Eva found a new job working as a retail manager at a gift shop in the mall. It was more pay than The Big Box Retailer, and much less stress. She maintained her prescriptions, and life went by in a drama free haze.
She filled her free time with her friends and went to bed early sleeping soundly next to Doug. She didn’t even care that they didn’t have much of a sex life together. He was her buddy. She would tell him what to wear and where they were going, and he was all for it.
They moved out and into an adorable loft space in a neighboring complex. Drew and Jose helped them move. Drew had approved of this move since, even though Eva was no longer his neighbor, they were still within walking distance.
It was the day after the move, and Eva had taken the day off to work on getting settled. Doug had gone to work. It was July, and it was sweltering hot and humid. Eva was in the upstairs loft undoing boxes. It was one of Doug’s boxes, which she felt he wouldn’t mind if she unpacked it for him since he was so busy with work.
She had a mix CD of her favorite New Wave and grunge music playing loudly from the downstairs and the air conditioner cranking on high as she put away his various hygiene products. She came across a pill bottle labeled with his name, and looked at it under the light. It was for Viagra. She raised her eyebrow at it and read it again. It was definitely made out to Doug Franz. She looked at the dates, it had recently been filled in June. It was for 20 pills. She thought about the last month. They had had sex two, maybe three times. She counted the pills. Seventeen. She didn’t know why, but this prescription made her angry.
She set them down on the counter without putting them away. She put away everything else in the box. Then she broke the box down, took it to the dumpster, came back in, and picked up the bottle again. She counted the pills again. Seventeen.
Shouldn’t he have told her he had a problem with that? They had been together for 6 months now. He knew she was crazy. She should know he struggled with his dick, right?
She called Drew, and he was over in a flash.
She tossed the bottle to him.
Drew caught it and looked at it and looked at her. “What? What is this?”
“It’s Viagra. The little blue pill. Doug’s dick is broken.”
Drew stifled a laugh.
“It’s not funny. I don’t plan on being on these meds forever. I may get off them. When I am, I’m going to want sex a lot more than we’ve been doing it.”
“Then he will take more pills,” Drew reasoned.
“I’ve never had to deal with a guy who couldn’t perform on demand.”
“That you know of.”
“Do you need pills?”
“Oh gaaawwwdd no.”
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“You can’t throw him out over this.”
“Who said I’m throwing him out?”
“Why am I here then?”
“Because I am having an emotion, and I’m still medicated, and I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“You don’t, Baby Girl. You’ve been doing so good. Just enjoy things for once. It’s all you can do.”
Drew stayed and helped her unpack boxes and gossip for a few hours, leaving shortly before Doug got home from work.
Eva left the bottle of Viagra out on the counter, against Drew’s judgment.
Doug came in the front door, greeted Starling and made his way up the stairs to the bedroom space. Eva was sitting there reading a book. She greeted him and didn’t say much.
Doug got ready for bed. Brushed his teeth and put the pill bottle in the medicine cabinet and didn’t say a word about it.
“You are not going to say anything about that?” she asked closing her book.
“About what?”
“Your pill bottle. Don’t you think that is something we should discuss?”
“There’s nothing to discuss. I have an issue, I take a pill, just like you.”
“But, like, is it a forever issue? Or just a sometimes issue? Like I think my issue is probably temporary. I hope it will be over.”
“It’s not temporary. It just is.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me about that?”
“It’s embarrassing. And you are not exactly sympathetic.”
She waited for anger to tip with the barb toward her. It didn’t. God, these pills were fantastic.
And with that, she let the whole issue go. It was what it was. She considered that progress.
Eva’s life is in a rut. Afraid she will never find true love, overwhelmed by work, and disheartened by her less-than-ideal living situation (Beth, her ‘bitch’ of a roommate, is rather cattily – and perfunctorily – sketched), she seeks professional help. Offered medication to help control her anxiety, she sleepwalks into marrying a man so nondescript that, when she first met him, she mistook him for someone else. Together, they have a son, Justin, and while Eva finds joy in her new role as a mother, she continues to feel that there is something of vital importance missing from her life.
Eva’s life is in a rut – that is, until she reconnects with Riley, a former crush, over social media. Riley’s re-entrance into Eva’s life is also a catalyst for much of the action of the novel, as the plot hits its stride when their relationship is rekindled. After leaving her husband and flying across the US to be with Riley, however, Eva finds herself embroiled in a seemingly interminable custody battle over Justin – a battle that is only worsened when Eva’s ex-husband, Doug, remarries. But as Justin’s home life with his father and stepmother (Lucy) continues to deteriorate, even a sudden, tragic turn of events will not stop Eva from protecting her son.
This tragic event paves the way for the novel’s deus ex machina plot twist, which brings what is otherwise a contemporary realist novel into the realms of the fantastical. While the custody battle over Justin seems at times to emblematise a wider struggle between the forces of good and evil (Lucy truly is portrayed as the archetypal evil stepmother), nothing quite prepares the reader for this sudden and supernatural turn of events.
That being said, Marisa Billions manages to blend elements of such disparate genres as chick lit and the supernatural very well, and, overall, This Too Shall Pass… is a heartfelt – and often deeply harrowing – account of coming to terms with one’s sexuality in the face of hostility, as well as being a testament to the enduring and redemptive power of love. Billions has penned a promising debut that will have you rooting for Eva and her son, and keep you gripped right to the end.