Prologue The wave began in the Southern Ocean. Steep and intense, it toppled over and over until it escaped, became a swell, and traveled across the world, its fetch long and powerful. Wind and tide carried it north. The Coriolis effect pushed it back down towards the equator until it found its way into a small, quiet cove in the Pacific Northwest. A young boy, dressed in a red superhero T-shirt and blue shorts, squatted beside a tide pool, his gaze focused on a snail edging towards a sea anemone. The boy watched as the anemone’s tentacles swirled and reached out, as though tempting the snail to come into its embrace. The boy wanted to warn the snail, to reach into the pool of cold, clear water and save it. But his mommy had warned him not to touch the sea creatures because they might sting. He looked down the beach where she was lying on a towel, her head lowered, eyes on the book lying in front of her. He knew she couldn’t see him but he always tried to do what she told him. So, he watched, concentrating on the snail’s progress. ‘Hurry little snail,’ he said out loud. ‘Turn around, come to me, you’re getting too close to the creature.’ He could hear his father’s voice. He sounded happy now, not like earlier this morning with Mommy. He was talking on his phone, walking away towards the caves at the far end CrusoePrelims_141220.indd 5 14/12/2020 12:03:17vi of the cove. Seagulls cried out in excitement, skimming the waterline, gathering the feast left by the low tide. The gentle hymn of waves as they rolled onto the beach beyond soothed him. He never saw it coming, that one wave. A sneaker wave it was called. A swell that began in the Southern Ocean, traveled across the continent, landed on a beach in the North Pacific, and drew all it met back out to sea on its retreat. CrusoePrelims_141220.indd 6 14/12/2020 12:03:17PART ONE CrusoeText_151220.indd 1 15/12/2020 11:01:23CrusoeText_151220.indd 2 15/12/2020 11:01:233 Chapter 1 Clair Dr Clair Mercer, after poisoning her husband, overdosed on vodka and sleeping pills, and then stumbled into the Pacific Ocean to drown. A man, fishing off the rocks nearby, saw her and called 911. Soon coast-guard helicopters, emergency ambulances, and police cars occupied the quiet cove. Noise, lights, and hands pressing down on her chest brought stark recognition of her reality. Oh, God, she inwardly cried, I’m alive. A deep sadness, a longing for before. If only they would leave her the hell alone. ‘Give her another amp of epi,’ a male voice called out. ‘Clear,’ a female voice commanded. ‘What’s the story here?’ A different male voice asked. ‘Paramedics reported a cold-water immersion, near drowning, out at Seal Cove. What happened? Did she fall off the rocks? Swept off?’ Another voice – female, clipped, urgent: ‘Fisherman reported seeing her walk right into the water. Called 911. Tried to reach her but couldn’t. Coast-guard cutter was out doing training runs, so they were quick on the scene. Name’s Clair Mercer according to the driver’s license in her wallet. She left her purse containing ID, an empty bottle of Ambien, and CrusoeText_151220.indd 3 15/12/2020 11:01:234 empty vodka bottle on the beach. Looks like she meant to kill herself. She got bashed up against the rocks pretty bad but that kept her from being swept out to sea on the rip tide.’ ‘What’s her core temp? Get that warming blanket going.’ Soon all the voices and words merged into one sound. She didn’t want to let go of before, the feel of the ocean, cold at first then warm, welcoming. Where her boy had last been. She wanted to be with him. He had been so close, his energy translucent, hovering in the blue light just beyond reach. The lights above burned her eyes, sticky with salt. Tears formed and ran down her cheeks, spilling into the corners of her mouth, tasting like the ocean she had just been wrenched from. And what about Adam? What had happened to him? Was he alive? What if she really had killed him? A wave of dread so powerful that it made her retch, washed over her. ‘She’s vomiting,’ a voice called out. ‘Get me suction, now.’ Through her distorted vision, she could make out several faces, male, female, dressed in different colored scrubs. Off to the edge of the crowd around her body was a face like an angel. Maybe I am dead, she thought. Hair the color of light, pale and glimmering. Their eyes met for a second, then darkness covered her again. A cold she could not have imagined gripped her. Strong, like a force beyond this world. She was carried down, sight coming back now. Not sight with her eyes, but a primordial way of seeing through the lost eye. Light beamed through the pulsating waves, wrapping her in music. Unlike any music she had ever heard. Not horns, or strings. Percussion and bells. Her ears exploded, the sound rushing in to fill every neuron in her brain. The music cocooned her, lifting her up and tossing her into space. Crystals scattered, infinitesimal sparkles cascading all around CrusoeText_151220.indd 4 15/12/2020 11:01:235 her. Voices chanting ancient hymns drew her deeper and deeper, and then, a sudden jolt. ‘Give her point five ketamine. Get her intubated, she’s crashing!’ * * * Time, misshapen, passed. Days, weeks, minutes, she didn’t know. Transferred to the intensive care unit, Clair Mercer shunted between sedation and wakeful agitation until sleep, so deep it felt like dying again, consumed her. Soft voices, shoes sliding on linoleum floors, smells of bleach, alcohol, and plastic filled the space around her. ‘Clair, good morning. My name is Elaine. I’m your nurse today. You’re in the intensive care unit. You’ve been here for two days, on a ventilator. That’s the tube you feel in your throat. You were in an accident, in the water. You’re much better now. Clair, please, open your eyes. We’re going to remove the tube this morning.’ Clair recognized the voice, felt a warm hand on her arm. She gagged, coughed, feeling the tube in her throat being removed, soft hands moving her gently from side to side, a warm cloth wiping her face, arms, hands. Surrendering to the light filtering in through the curtains across the room, she could almost imagine she was home, in her own bed, except for the beep, beep, beeping of the monitors tracking her every heartbeat and breath. She could see through the glass door at the end of her bed. Bodies moving quickly, the squeaking of rubber-soled shoes mixing with light laughter and early morning conversation. A sudden swish, the curtain pulled across a metal rod, and CrusoeText_151220.indd 5 15/12/2020 11:01:236 a figure emerged from the shadow. A woman, short, sturdy, with a stethoscope draped around her neck walked up to Clair’s bedside, took her hand at the wrist, feeling her pulse. Watching the monitor as she did, she quickly glanced down at Clair. ‘Ah, good morning. I see you’re awake. I’m Dr Hawk. How are you feeling? Any pain, shortness of breath?’ Looking up at the doctor’s smiling face, Clair felt comforted. But it didn’t last. Awakening brought remembering. Waves of grief, loss, and terror washed over her. Did I really kill my husband? Do they know? Am I going to jail? A moan, cry, animallike in its intensity escaped her throat. Curling into her side, drawing her knees up, holding her face in her hands, she cried, ‘No, no, this can’t be, please don’t let it be.’ Over and over, this litany of sorrow rocked her back and forth in the bed. Another woman stepped quietly into the room. Tall, slender, with white blonde hair, she sat in a chair beside Clair’s bed. Nodding at the doctor, she said, ‘I’ll sit with her now.’ ‘Hello Clair, my name is Dr. Juliette Taylor, but please, call me Jet. I’m a psychologist and I will be working with you. Once you’re able to leave the ICU, we’ll transfer you to our psychiatric unit, where you will be safe. How does that sound?’ Looking away, her eyes searching for an escape outside the window, Clair saw an airplane soaring past towards the small airport near the sea. ‘Do I have a choice?’ she asked, watching the plane disappear into the marine layer, as it circled for a landing. ‘Clair, you are on a Hospital Hold, which means that we can keep you for treatment, for up to five business days. This sounds harsh, I know, but it is so that we can perform an evaluation, to determine if you continue to be a danger to yourself, or anyone else. So, no, you don’t have a choice CrusoeText_151220.indd 6 15/12/2020 11:01:237 about coming to the psychiatric unit, but you do have a choice in how you engage with us there, to help yourself get better.’ Jet stood, looked at Dr. Hawk. ‘Thank you, Jet. She’s medically cleared so she can go anytime,’ Dr Hawk said, walking back out into the busy ICU. ‘What a terrible tragedy.’ *** Clair sat frozen in place, feeling like her body hovered a few feet away. If she glanced out of the corner of her eye, she thought she might catch a glimpse of herself, unraveling like a spool of yarn across the blue-carpeted floor. She looked up at the face of the woman sitting across the narrow rectangular room, lined with chairs in fabrics made to sustain hard wear and tear from humans under immense stress. They were close. Clair shifted in her seat, turning her body away. She wrapped her arms around herself, then folded her hands into her lap. ‘I don’t know where to begin,’ she said, chewing the inside of her cheek. ‘Start from the beginning,’ Jet said, a half-smile on her face. ‘But which beginning?’ Clair asked. Gazing out of the window at the bright spring morning, a testament to the futility of her rage, her fury, she felt a burning in her core like an ember deep inside, searing her heart. She wanted wind, lashing rain, deluge, and flood. Thunder, lightning. Anything other than this quiet room, with its pale, ivory walls and this woman who radiated such kindness and compassion. How had she gotten here, to this place? This was CrusoeText_151220.indd 7 15/12/2020 11:01:238 not supposed to happen. She was supposed to be dead, washed out to sea. And him, he was supposed to be dead too – a long, painful dying that would remind him of what he had done. Over and over with each rasping breath. She was not supposed to live, to be locked up, being helped when she knew she was helpless. Still she sat, eyes vacant, staring at a marine painting on the wall over Jet’s head. A scene that was meant to bring a sense of joy, peace. For Clair, it brought only horror. She sank deeper into silence. Sounds of the psychiatric unit broke into the stillness. Breakfast was being carted away. The paper plates and plastic utensils, Thermoses of coffee, still caffeinated at this time of day, and other detritus of mealtime for twenty or more patients, all struggling to fit into a normal routine. First breakfast, then hygiene, then morning group. Clair refused it all. She hadn’t eaten in two days, taking only sips of water. Refusing medications. Speaking in short staccato responses to questions. Yes. No, I don’t know. I don’t care. She had been served with a notice of involuntary commitment. Offered an attorney. A hearing was scheduled, to determine competency to stand trial for the attempted murder of her husband. They said she had to talk, to tell her story. It would help her. Still she remained silent, until now. Something about this woman, Jet, opened her up. Clair thought she knew her from before. But couldn’t remember. That hair, white blonde, wrapping around a heart-shaped face; dark eyebrows and eyes deep blue and discerning. A large yellow dog sat on its haunches in the corner. Jet had introduced her as Maggie, a therapy dog. She locked eyes with the dog, then feeling such unconditional kindness emanating from her, looked away. It was all just too much. This being alive. CrusoeText_151220.indd 8 15/12/2020 11:01:239 Clair’s breath came ragged, remnants of the endotracheal tube causing throat constriction. With gaze cast down at the floor, words trickled out, a whisper on exhalation. ‘I waited for the wave, the one that would take me to Devon, my son. I wanted it to locate me, to find me. I was sending out a GPS signal. I knew from physics that energy is never destroyed, it just changes. Every atom, molecule that made up my boy still exists, right. He’s still out there.’ She looked up at Jet, her eyes glistening, challenging. Dark brown hair, limp and tangled, fell around her angular face. She pushed it back, then let her hands fall back into her lap. ‘Sometimes I can feel him, his hand in mine, his breath, sweet and soft, on my cheek, like when he used to lay his head on my shoulder when we read together.’ Clair leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her body. ‘I had to get rid of the blockage, the barrier to reconnect with my son,’ she said. ‘I watched, waited for that special wave, the seventh one, the biggest one, to take me out. To join him. I remembered reading a book, Papillon, where a man waited for the best wave to help him escape his prison island. That’s what I was doing – but not escaping from, going to. Going to my Devon.’ ‘But why kill your husband, Clair?’ Jet asked. ‘I couldn’t live. Couldn’t see a life ahead for me and it was because of him. Adam was the obstacle. I wanted him to see it coming, to feel the fear, to be sorry for once in his wretched life. To feel blame, pain, anything besides his own fucking needs and pleasures.’ She spat the words, gripping the chair arm, pressing back, resisting an explosion of movement. This room was so small and her grief so big, she wondered how she could contain it. CrusoeText_151220.indd 9 15/12/2020 11:01:2310 Her gaze shifted back to the painting. ‘When I got home from work…’ she stopped, caught her breath, shuddered. Her hands – long slender fingers, chipped nails – gripped her knees, drawing them to her chest. ‘Or what used to be work,’ she went on, bringing her eyes back to Jet. ‘He was on the deck, laughing into his phone. His hair was getting long, curling up at the edge of his collar. I used to love to play with it when it got like that, curling it around my fingers as we sat and talked. Or maybe I just imagined that too. Like I imagined so many other things, like him ever truly loving me or Devon.’ Clair stood up, walked over to the window, looked out onto the third floor parking lot, almost empty at this time of day. Her body, still bruised in places, moved slowly, carefully, like an old person. An ambulance passed by, without lights or sirens. A bad sign, she thought. No life, no need to hurry. She turned back to look at Jet, lifting her head ever so slightly. A sad smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. ‘I really had no choice,’ she said. ‘I knew I had to die, and I couldn’t let him live on, as though nothing had happened. So, yeah, I had some pills left over, from when Devon was, well, from when he disappeared. Lots of them really. I didn’t want to be numb, after. I wanted to feel everything. And then, nothing. But, Adam first. I went into the kitchen; saw he was drinking his good Scotch. She must be special, I remember thinking. I ground up the pills, mixed them in. It wasn’t enough. So, yeah, I crushed some more, made a cheese spread I knew he loved, spread the drugs on some bread. Cheesy bread he called it. Sprinkled it with paprika to cover any white powder or funny taste. I thought about how the food would slow down digestion, take longer. I mixed him another drink. Added some CrusoeText_151220.indd 10 15/12/2020 11:01:2311 of his blood pressure pills to that. Decided that would be OK, it would give me time, and draw out his suffering, his knowing he was dying.’ Clair stopped talking, walked back to her chair. ‘Well, that didn’t work out for me either,’ she said. ‘I failed at dying. Failed at killing. And failed at saving my son.’ The room held the silence while Clair sat, legs crossed. Tremulous fingers brushed against the chair arm, jagged nails catching in the worn fabric. She looked down at her hands. ‘I used to play cello,’ she said with a short laugh, looking up at Jet. ‘Now look at them.’ ‘We can get you an emery board, Clair,’ Jet said. ‘You can tidy up your nails, wash your hair, get freshened up. You’ll feel better. But, let’s continue for a bit longer, if you’re OK? Tell me about your life before.’ Clair nodded, resting her hands in her lap. ‘Once upon a time, I was happy. Or if not happy, content. My life was the way I wanted it, orderly, neat, like an equal equation. And it was enough. Before that day, that party, an invitation to hell, when my order dissembled into disorder, all my carefully constructed equations tumbled, unequal and insolvable.’ She began pacing the room, circling the narrow oval table in the center. Finally, abandoning resistance, she folded into the chair. Her gaze drifted back up to the painting, fixed on a scene drawn by her mind’s eye; a recollection she had resisted for so long. Clair remembered. CrusoeText_151220.indd 11
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A powerful and heart-wrenching tale of motherhood, grief, illness, self-discovery and redemption
Synopsis : It should have been a relaxing day at the beach for Dr. Clair Mercer and her family. But an argument with husband Adam distracts her from watching their four-year-old autistic son, and tragedy strikes when a sneaker wave sweeps him away. Clair's well-ordered life is plunged into madness, and after attempting to murder her husband, she walks into the ocean. Arrested, charged, and awaiting trial on a locked psychiatric unit, can she discover a path to forgiveness, for herself and the husband she tried to kill?
This was a powerful, heart-wrenching tale of motherhood, grief, illness, self-discovery and redemption.
We meet Clair at the lowest point of her life, after she has taken drastic measures as a result of her unbearable grief.
It was gripping to see Adam move so quickly past his confusion and anger at what she had tried to do to him, and into forgiveness and acceptance. I was in awe at his devotion to her, despite her fragile state and his characterisation as a womanizer who did not even seem to like her much when he first found himself “trapped” into marriage by social expectations.
I loved the symbolism of the wave, and of the overriding ebbs and flows of their relationship:
[…] Looking back, if he had been paying attention, perhaps there had been clues, not to the ocean’s madness, but to their own, his and Clair’s, and their slipping away from what mattered, towards mutually ensured destruction.
Motherhood transformed Clair from a mathematically-focused, formula-driven, rule-follower woman to open her heart enormously and accept the vagaries of emotion to love and accept her son, particularly as she had to adapt to his special needs. Then, his loss plunged her into a realm of unbearable despair. This was followed by her diagnosis, which made her lose her sense of self. Clair finds solace and healing through group therapy:
She knew about their hopes, and fears, their anger, heartbreaks and self-doubts. Their pain, physical and emotional, was her pain. […] Their stories changed each week as their self-identities reconfigured. Bits and pieces of biographies morphed into brighter, more capable, happier selves.
Though the focus is primarily on Clair and her journey to self-discovery, we also see Adam’s point of view as he pursues her, trying to catch the ephemera of her essence before she slips out of his grasp forever.
The story was powerful, and sweeps you away with its evocative descriptions, though at times I did wish for a wee bit more restraint of this in order to propel the plot forward a little faster. I was eager to see what would happen, as the suspense mounts in the “chase” of self and partner.
The writing is emotional and poetic, and there are breathtaking, profound moments that stay with you long after you close the novel, such as:
What is known is that for each of us, we find our breaking point. Turbulence precedes transformation. The moment we crash onto shore or up against a rock. But the wave doesn’t cease to exist, it returns to water. And so we continue on as well.
Overall, this was a thought-provoking novel that is unsettling and at the same time brings peace. The author captures feelings and scenery beautifully, and the plot takes you on an emotional rollercoaster from trauma to triumph. The symbolism is interwoven throughout, and winds itself around tragedy, leading to an eventual healing and reconciliation.
The relationship at its centre is brilliantly portrayed, showing flawed characters on both sides that must find a way to meet in the middle despite their grief. There is also a mystical element that is reminiscent of Greek mythology, and the writer’s style leads you through the darkness into the light, bringing life to the story. If you enjoy Jodi Picoult’s writing style, this will also resonate with you. I highly recommend to anyone, but adult female readers may appreciate it the most.
Reviewed by
Author, editor (15+ yrs) & avid reader/reviewer of most genres. When I love a book, I LOVE a book. Please share the love and upvote my own novel via: sfortuneauthor.com/upvote ***Note: Instead of Reedsy tips, you can directly support my Reviews via: ko-fi.com/sfortuneauthor***
Synopsis : It should have been a relaxing day at the beach for Dr. Clair Mercer and her family. But an argument with husband Adam distracts her from watching their four-year-old autistic son, and tragedy strikes when a sneaker wave sweeps him away. Clair's well-ordered life is plunged into madness, and after attempting to murder her husband, she walks into the ocean. Arrested, charged, and awaiting trial on a locked psychiatric unit, can she discover a path to forgiveness, for herself and the husband she tried to kill?
About the author
Kristen Crusoe lives on the Oregon Coast and enjoys long walks on the majestic beaches and in the deep, green forests. A former psychiatric nurse, dancer, and teacher, she brings all of her experiences together in her writing. She has taken writing courses through Faber Academy and Curtis Brown. view profile
Published on June 01, 2021
Published by RedDoor Press
80000 words
Genre: Literary Fiction
Reviewed by
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