African American

The outsiders

By

This book will launch on Dec 21, 2020. Currently, only those with the link can see it. 🔒
Synopsis

“I’m around you, but you don’t see me.I’m speaking to you, but you don’t hear me.The outsider who wants in.” Welcome to the mind of a maniac, where nothing is what it seems and there’s no filtering the truth. In The Outsider, poet Mahamud Hassan displays a raw and gritty view of love, selfhood, and relationships, providing the reader a glimpse into his deeply creative mind. Drawing on the themes of trauma, race, beauty, and mental health, Hassan utilizes his experiences and transforms them into art. Dive deep, and you will learn something new about yourself and the people around you.

It Was Beautiful & it Wasn't

“SMILEY’S THE OUTSIDERS”

 

 


Introduction.


Welcome to the mind of a maniac, where nothing is what 

it seems and there’s no filtering the truth. In here, you’ll be exposed to a plethora of emotions;  love, mistrust, vulnerability, anger, sadness, insanity and selfhood. 

What you’ll find within these poems are stories of myself and people 

that I’ve encountered, some who are still alive today 

and some who have given up a long time ago. 

There’s truth in pain but what people never realize 

is that there’s love in pain as well. There’s beauty inside the darkness, and there beauty behind the madness.


Come and uncover my truth and these people's truths. 

Maybe you have something in common or maybe 

you’ll learn something new. I hope you’ll stay till the very end. 




 

















Chapter I


It Was Beautiful And It Wasn’t.


























Insanity behind the writer

 

I’m folded into a bind where I don’t know what is real and what’s is a mirage.

My mind lingers in a place unimaginable.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I don’t think there’s anyone with this kind of insanity.

My biggest fear is myself.

My biggest foe is myself.  

My biggest ally is myself.

Times will come when I’m able to trust my 

deepest thoughts but when regrets and pain start

 to flutter in my mind, it all just seems too overwhelming. 

I’m trapped between my hell and my actual reality.

 If you haven’t noticed I haven’t added heaven into 

my list of mirages. My mind and my soul are my biggest 

and most formidable foes. There isn’t a thought that 

comes to my mind that lets me just... relax, 

let the pain pass, let the misery pass. My mind just can’t seem to overcome any obstacles that’s thrown at it!

My inability to fight these thoughts will be my greatest downfall


Unconditional


I’ve seen a man leave the woman that he once looked at with awe,

I’ve seen women whose hearts were full of nothing but love

grow claws. 

I’ve seen a man whose mind was always at peace

kill a man without cause. 

I know that to love is to take risks

of humiliation, 

heartbreak,

with a river of tears when it all turns upside-down. 

When the one 

you’ve given your all breaks your heart 

you feel as if you’ve been drowning –

no one’s coming to save you. No one 

really understands how you feel 

until they’ve gone through the same things. 

All I’m wondering is, would you still love me when I’m old and grey? 

Because I wouldn’t leave you even when your beauty 

starts to fade. Beauty is of the essence, 

you shouldn’t love someone with conditions. 

Conditions can change and you’ll be left with nothing in the end. 

Learn to love the beauty within;

imagine being loved without any conditions, 

lose a limb or change your features,

this someone will love you even in that change of state. 

Everyone wants the same thing, 

not for what they possess or can do but loved unconditionally, 

even someone as imperfect as me. 

  




Free Spirits 


Come into my world where the aroma 

of fresh blood reeks. Where mistrust 

and violence are all that we teach.

Blinded by evil so we don’t have any 

time to preach. Love isn’t a factor 

so it’ll be very hard to reach. 

Come to a world where lust runs free 

No conditions or obligations required, 

you’re qualified to me. Stay as long as you’d like, 

we won’t belittle you. Come as you please, 

rainbows flow through the city, 

there’s no hurt or heartbreak and or pity. 

Look into the eyes of the wild, 

find your peace and your sanity within those eyes. 

Keep calm to breathe carefully. Keep calm 

to live unruly. 

Yes, I said unruly. 

Come and relish in a world full of sins and no prayers. 

Where the devil only exists to match your desires. 

Where the only slave is your tears and they will

be there to lift you higher. 

We don’t need your attention, 

your attention needs us. 

We aren’t specified by society; we 

are detailed 

by ourselves. 

We don’t live by nobody’s obligations, 

we are only obligated to advance our desires.

Tell your friends about our truth. 

We live for the truth, 

the truth 

of your desire. We lie naked in our glory. 

We won’t be tormented by wishful thinking, 

we make it all happen. Tell your friends about us, 

we are the people for the people. We may look peculiar 

to you but we are demigods amongst man. 

Go tell your friends about us. 



The Outsider


Watching from afar, 

seeing what great elements could come out of life. 

My eyes are aroused by the lustrous jewelry, 

luxurious works of art that are driven 

around as if they cost nothing 

actually, cost a fortune. Seeing them waiver 

these objects, items seamlessly and make it seem

as if this is the normal everyday life they are living. 

I’m fascinated by the images of these individuals smiling and living 

life to the fullest. I’m profound in jealousy. 

Scrolling through my phone, seeing image by image, 

that’s how I know that I want this life. 

I need this life. I don’t want to just be a part of it, 

I want to be in it. 

I’m the outsider, 

not just to this lavish lifestyle but to myself.

I’ve never felt at home or welcome anywhere, 

whether it be the home I was raised in 

or the country I grew up in.  

Growing up I was always reminded 

I was an outsider. 

I had no home, never knew what a home 

felt like. In spite of it all 

I’ve grown to want more. 

I want to shimmer my happiness 

and my fortune in front of their glum faces, 

show them that it was I, the outsider, who succeeded. 

Now I’m above you all,

someone you now fear. 

As broken and battered as I am,

there’s still a strong, competent man 

wanting only to prove he’s worthy. 

I’m around you, but you don’t see me. 

I’m speaking to you, but you don’t hear me. 

The outsider who wants in. 





Icarus Falls


Falling in a daydream as I’m about to hit the ground, 

I spread my wings. Caught myself 

by surprise when I flew too close 

to the ground. All the noises and the screams, 

they were getting too loud. 

Now all the noise is gone 

and I’m starting to feel a little proud. 

Tell me, am I in a daydream? 

When I saw the look in your eyes, 

you seemed frightened 

by me. I looked up to the sky 

as I saw the lambency of the morning light. 

Felt like something from a splendid dream. 

I opened my eyes wide, pinching myself 

knowing this outcome is wild. 

I look to the side and there are my wings, 

I expected them to be white, 

they were dark as the sea at night. 

Am I a fallen angel? Why are my wings so obsidian? 

Should I even have these wings? It was such an unpleasant surprise. 

So many questions and so many whys. 

I’m Icarus but I couldn’t fly 

Call me Mr. Daydream, I keep falling to the ground, 

I thought that was it for me. 

Like roadkill I’d be splattered all over the streets. 

But right before I hit the ground there came my wings. 

The dark devilish wings sprouted just in time to catch me. 

After the fall I flew near the sun and stared at the moon. 

Wondering what it would feel like to walk on the moon. 

Strange Icarus, with so many odd intentions. 

Strange Icarus with not much aggression. 

Letting himself fall whilst his wings were not despaired. 

What he didn’t know is that his wings would save him. 

While he was letting himself fall freely 

the wings weren’t ready for him 

to die. Icarus wanted to die; 

he just didn’t want to die alone.

 

Compulsively Obsessed

(OCD)


Looking at himself thinking it isn’t fair? 

It’s hard to look at the man he sees, 

but also, hard not to stare. 

The feeling of drowning in his 

own self-hatred it’s so hard to bear. 

Him feeling love from himself, him feeling appreciation 

from himself, him feeling good about himself,

all these factors are rare. Obsessed with 

what he doesn’t have, but also very obsessed 

with what he does have. 


He says “It’s not enough, why 

does it have to be this way, why does it 

have to be so tough.” He’s needing comfort 

from someone who can’t see beneath all his insecurities. 

“When it rains, a flower grows; maybe 

it’ll rain again, and I’ll bloom.” He feels like he’s

stuck in a desert with nothing left but his faults. 


Obsessively obsessing over his own reflection. 

Sometimes when he looks at it, it seems so unreal. 

He’s talking to himself, 

“how can someone love a creature,

 so hideous and so dull.”

 Scared of his own reflection,

 it’s hard to see past the self-deception. 

Emotions are stable at times but then 

suddenly will burst of out control


Some days he’s in better shape and he goes with the flow. 

There are days his demons corrupt his mentality. 

They make him confuse his actual reality. 

“Is everything really what it is? What’s my cause? 

Where will I go from here? Who’s going to love me?

 Who’s going to need me? Will I ever amount to 

someone’s love and affection? Am I enough? 

So many questions unanswered.”

 

  


Paradoxical


Silence is creeping in 

I’m walking toward the shadows. 

The silence is giving me nostalgia. 

I’m withering my ego into oblivion. 

Wonders of a world far more prevalent 

than the one I’ve been deemed to exist in. 

Life is taken for granted; time is taken for a fool. 

Time is precious indeed, but what is time 

if all you ever feel is misery. 

My mind slipping and sloping into a haven 

forbidden to be desired. The world 

is so cruel, for no reason whatsoever 

life is taken tragically. Gods? 

What of the gods we believe in? 

Where are they 

when bodies are headless, 

our chests are heartless? 

Where is the higher power? 

when your only solution is to jump? Jump 

and meet your maker. Jump 

and all the pain will be swept away. 

Perhaps you’d like to take the fastest route? 

A bullet to the brain? Why? 

Why do we hesitate when we say 

we want to end it all? 

But some take no hesitation. 

What is the difference? Do we all not share 

the same amount of pain? 

Are we all not the result of life’s cruelty? 

Why do we treat others with so much hostility? 

If I walk into a room, I will grab no attention. 

If a man with society’s glamorous looks and trends walks into a room, 

everyone will stop and stare. You see, 

human nature is just so judgmental. 

No judgments here, but when I die 

I’d like for them to not lie. 

Don’t say you thought I was admirable 

if you’ve never spoken a word to me. 

Don’t say you enjoyed my company 

when you never took the time to see me. 

Don’t say I was the best thing that’s ever happened to you, 

when personally you said I was the worst. 

When I die, I’d like a rave! 

Something the world will never forget. 

I’d like to go out with a bang, 

even though my existence 

was a silence. 




Sinners And Saints. 


Trying to overcompensate for my absence 

in the house of worship. They told me god doesn’t 

speaks to those who are slaves to their demons. 

The cynics who lie awake at night 

wondering if there is a god or any higher power. 

The wounded souls who are trapped in the 

crossfire of broken promises and broken hearts. 

The unforgivable few who the world sees as 

dangerous or incompetent. 


I’ve never been a person to hide my shame. I flaunt that thing

 around as if it’s a trophy; as for any religious 

beliefs, I sometimes have no hope. How many

 nights I’ve spent praying and crying to an 

unresponsive God, who I have no idea even exists.

 Unapologetic in the cruelest way, I’d rather be

a sinner, rather an unrealistic saint. Entrap my 

soul, my mind & my body for having forbidden thoughts. 

How can the elites live like gods, but the poor

 scrape to the last ends of the earth to find 

comfort and food.


 Standing In the streets 

begging for scraps and putting their prides 

aside to feed their own. Where are the saints? 

where are the saints, when people are in need of a savior? 

The sinners show up whenever there is a calling. 

The saints fade when the people are drowning and

 the earth is crumbling. Still we try our best to live like 

saints but we can’t even entirely sacrifice ourselves 

for the good of others. Everybody wants to win, 

nobody wants to lose. Nobody wants to be on the 

receiving the end of the bullet, but we’re all for being behind the trigger. 







About the author

My name is Mahamud Hassan, I'm a college student currently studying Human Services. I've have been writing for as long I could pick up at pen. I am from Kenya but I grew up in Omaha Nebraska. So Far I've only written one book and that is "The Outsiders". view profile

Published on August 24, 2020

20000 words

Contains explicit content ⚠️

Worked with a Reedsy professional 🏆

Genre: African American

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