“SMILEY’S THE OUTSIDERS”
Welcome to the mind of a maniac, where nothing is what
it seems and there’s no filtering the truth. In here, you’ll be exposed to a plethora of emotions; love, mistrust, vulnerability, anger, sadness, insanity and selfhood.
What you’ll find within these poems are stories of myself and people
that I’ve encountered, some who are still alive today
and some who have given up a long time ago.
There’s truth in pain but what people never realize
is that there’s love in pain as well. There’s beauty inside the darkness, and there beauty behind the madness.
Come and uncover my truth and these people's truths.
Maybe you have something in common or maybe
you’ll learn something new. I hope you’ll stay till the very end.
It Was Beautiful And It Wasn’t.
Insanity behind the writer
I’m folded into a bind where I don’t know what is real and what’s is a mirage.
My mind lingers in a place unimaginable.
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I don’t think there’s anyone with this kind of insanity.
My biggest fear is myself.
My biggest foe is myself.
My biggest ally is myself.
Times will come when I’m able to trust my
deepest thoughts but when regrets and pain start
to flutter in my mind, it all just seems too overwhelming.
I’m trapped between my hell and my actual reality.
If you haven’t noticed I haven’t added heaven into
my list of mirages. My mind and my soul are my biggest
and most formidable foes. There isn’t a thought that
comes to my mind that lets me just... relax,
let the pain pass, let the misery pass. My mind just can’t seem to overcome any obstacles that’s thrown at it!
My inability to fight these thoughts will be my greatest downfall
I’ve seen a man leave the woman that he once looked at with awe,
I’ve seen women whose hearts were full of nothing but love
I’ve seen a man whose mind was always at peace
kill a man without cause.
I know that to love is to take risks
with a river of tears when it all turns upside-down.
When the one
you’ve given your all breaks your heart
you feel as if you’ve been drowning –
no one’s coming to save you. No one
really understands how you feel
until they’ve gone through the same things.
All I’m wondering is, would you still love me when I’m old and grey?
Because I wouldn’t leave you even when your beauty
starts to fade. Beauty is of the essence,
you shouldn’t love someone with conditions.
Conditions can change and you’ll be left with nothing in the end.
Learn to love the beauty within;
imagine being loved without any conditions,
lose a limb or change your features,
this someone will love you even in that change of state.
Everyone wants the same thing,
not for what they possess or can do but loved unconditionally,
even someone as imperfect as me.
Come into my world where the aroma
of fresh blood reeks. Where mistrust
and violence are all that we teach.
Blinded by evil so we don’t have any
time to preach. Love isn’t a factor
so it’ll be very hard to reach.
Come to a world where lust runs free
No conditions or obligations required,
you’re qualified to me. Stay as long as you’d like,
we won’t belittle you. Come as you please,
rainbows flow through the city,
there’s no hurt or heartbreak and or pity.
Look into the eyes of the wild,
find your peace and your sanity within those eyes.
Keep calm to breathe carefully. Keep calm
to live unruly.
Yes, I said unruly.
Come and relish in a world full of sins and no prayers.
Where the devil only exists to match your desires.
Where the only slave is your tears and they will
be there to lift you higher.
We don’t need your attention,
your attention needs us.
We aren’t specified by society; we
We don’t live by nobody’s obligations,
we are only obligated to advance our desires.
Tell your friends about our truth.
We live for the truth,
of your desire. We lie naked in our glory.
We won’t be tormented by wishful thinking,
we make it all happen. Tell your friends about us,
we are the people for the people. We may look peculiar
to you but we are demigods amongst man.
Go tell your friends about us.
Watching from afar,
seeing what great elements could come out of life.
My eyes are aroused by the lustrous jewelry,
luxurious works of art that are driven
around as if they cost nothing
actually, cost a fortune. Seeing them waiver
these objects, items seamlessly and make it seem
as if this is the normal everyday life they are living.
I’m fascinated by the images of these individuals smiling and living
life to the fullest. I’m profound in jealousy.
Scrolling through my phone, seeing image by image,
that’s how I know that I want this life.
I need this life. I don’t want to just be a part of it,
I want to be in it.
I’m the outsider,
not just to this lavish lifestyle but to myself.
I’ve never felt at home or welcome anywhere,
whether it be the home I was raised in
or the country I grew up in.
Growing up I was always reminded
I was an outsider.
I had no home, never knew what a home
felt like. In spite of it all
I’ve grown to want more.
I want to shimmer my happiness
and my fortune in front of their glum faces,
show them that it was I, the outsider, who succeeded.
Now I’m above you all,
someone you now fear.
As broken and battered as I am,
there’s still a strong, competent man
wanting only to prove he’s worthy.
I’m around you, but you don’t see me.
I’m speaking to you, but you don’t hear me.
The outsider who wants in.
Falling in a daydream as I’m about to hit the ground,
I spread my wings. Caught myself
by surprise when I flew too close
to the ground. All the noises and the screams,
they were getting too loud.
Now all the noise is gone
and I’m starting to feel a little proud.
Tell me, am I in a daydream?
When I saw the look in your eyes,
you seemed frightened
by me. I looked up to the sky
as I saw the lambency of the morning light.
Felt like something from a splendid dream.
I opened my eyes wide, pinching myself
knowing this outcome is wild.
I look to the side and there are my wings,
I expected them to be white,
they were dark as the sea at night.
Am I a fallen angel? Why are my wings so obsidian?
Should I even have these wings? It was such an unpleasant surprise.
So many questions and so many whys.
I’m Icarus but I couldn’t fly
Call me Mr. Daydream, I keep falling to the ground,
I thought that was it for me.
Like roadkill I’d be splattered all over the streets.
But right before I hit the ground there came my wings.
The dark devilish wings sprouted just in time to catch me.
After the fall I flew near the sun and stared at the moon.
Wondering what it would feel like to walk on the moon.
Strange Icarus, with so many odd intentions.
Strange Icarus with not much aggression.
Letting himself fall whilst his wings were not despaired.
What he didn’t know is that his wings would save him.
While he was letting himself fall freely
the wings weren’t ready for him
to die. Icarus wanted to die;
he just didn’t want to die alone.
Looking at himself thinking it isn’t fair?
It’s hard to look at the man he sees,
but also, hard not to stare.
The feeling of drowning in his
own self-hatred it’s so hard to bear.
Him feeling love from himself, him feeling appreciation
from himself, him feeling good about himself,
all these factors are rare. Obsessed with
what he doesn’t have, but also very obsessed
with what he does have.
He says “It’s not enough, why
does it have to be this way, why does it
have to be so tough.” He’s needing comfort
from someone who can’t see beneath all his insecurities.
“When it rains, a flower grows; maybe
it’ll rain again, and I’ll bloom.” He feels like he’s
stuck in a desert with nothing left but his faults.
Obsessively obsessing over his own reflection.
Sometimes when he looks at it, it seems so unreal.
He’s talking to himself,
“how can someone love a creature,
so hideous and so dull.”
Scared of his own reflection,
it’s hard to see past the self-deception.
Emotions are stable at times but then
suddenly will burst of out control
Some days he’s in better shape and he goes with the flow.
There are days his demons corrupt his mentality.
They make him confuse his actual reality.
“Is everything really what it is? What’s my cause?
Where will I go from here? Who’s going to love me?
Who’s going to need me? Will I ever amount to
someone’s love and affection? Am I enough?
So many questions unanswered.”
Silence is creeping in
I’m walking toward the shadows.
The silence is giving me nostalgia.
I’m withering my ego into oblivion.
Wonders of a world far more prevalent
than the one I’ve been deemed to exist in.
Life is taken for granted; time is taken for a fool.
Time is precious indeed, but what is time
if all you ever feel is misery.
My mind slipping and sloping into a haven
forbidden to be desired. The world
is so cruel, for no reason whatsoever
life is taken tragically. Gods?
What of the gods we believe in?
Where are they
when bodies are headless,
our chests are heartless?
Where is the higher power?
when your only solution is to jump? Jump
and meet your maker. Jump
and all the pain will be swept away.
Perhaps you’d like to take the fastest route?
A bullet to the brain? Why?
Why do we hesitate when we say
we want to end it all?
But some take no hesitation.
What is the difference? Do we all not share
the same amount of pain?
Are we all not the result of life’s cruelty?
Why do we treat others with so much hostility?
If I walk into a room, I will grab no attention.
If a man with society’s glamorous looks and trends walks into a room,
everyone will stop and stare. You see,
human nature is just so judgmental.
No judgments here, but when I die
I’d like for them to not lie.
Don’t say you thought I was admirable
if you’ve never spoken a word to me.
Don’t say you enjoyed my company
when you never took the time to see me.
Don’t say I was the best thing that’s ever happened to you,
when personally you said I was the worst.
When I die, I’d like a rave!
Something the world will never forget.
I’d like to go out with a bang,
even though my existence
was a silence.
Sinners And Saints.
Trying to overcompensate for my absence
in the house of worship. They told me god doesn’t
speaks to those who are slaves to their demons.
The cynics who lie awake at night
wondering if there is a god or any higher power.
The wounded souls who are trapped in the
crossfire of broken promises and broken hearts.
The unforgivable few who the world sees as
dangerous or incompetent.
I’ve never been a person to hide my shame. I flaunt that thing
around as if it’s a trophy; as for any religious
beliefs, I sometimes have no hope. How many
nights I’ve spent praying and crying to an
unresponsive God, who I have no idea even exists.
Unapologetic in the cruelest way, I’d rather be
a sinner, rather an unrealistic saint. Entrap my
soul, my mind & my body for having forbidden thoughts.
How can the elites live like gods, but the poor
scrape to the last ends of the earth to find
comfort and food.
Standing In the streets
begging for scraps and putting their prides
aside to feed their own. Where are the saints?
where are the saints, when people are in need of a savior?
The sinners show up whenever there is a calling.
The saints fade when the people are drowning and
the earth is crumbling. Still we try our best to live like
saints but we can’t even entirely sacrifice ourselves
for the good of others. Everybody wants to win,
nobody wants to lose. Nobody wants to be on the
receiving the end of the bullet, but we’re all for being behind the trigger.