1:28 L@ I G
Book details
all 70%
It is written to help women understand the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For all women who want to have the knowledge to avoid the pain and abuse of a narcissistic relationship. For those who are already in a relationship with a narcissist, will learn how to deal with the reality of their situation and their narcissist partner, This book is written from a survivor's lived experiences and insights. It is written from Vicki's point of view, not a clinician's. It is a fresh approach, timely, much needed and gives all the knowledge to support women to give them a clear picture of what is happening in that kind of relationship. Having that knowledge base, insights and strategies; will answer their questions give them the ability to deal with their narcissist partner, to stop the abuse, and not just survive, but to thrive and soar.
1:28 L@ I G
Book details
all 70%
It is written to help women understand the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For all women who want to have the knowledge to avoid the pain and abuse of a narcissistic relationship. For those who are already in a relationship with a narcissist, will learn how to deal with the reality of their situation and their narcissist partner, This book is written from a survivor's lived experiences and insights. It is written from Vicki's point of view, not a clinician's. It is a fresh approach, timely, much needed and gives all the knowledge to support women to give them a clear picture of what is happening in that kind of relationship. Having that knowledge base, insights and strategies; will answer their questions give them the ability to deal with their narcissist partner, to stop the abuse, and not just survive, but to thrive and soar.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” Elie Wiesel
Chapter 1
The Opposite of Love
Knowing the true meaning of the “Opposite of Love”, will give you insight into the mind of the narcissist. Once you are aware of the true meaning of this phrase you will have a key to help you understand your narcissist’s heart, or lack of it.
When asked the question, “What is the opposite of love?” most people would say “hate”, but it is not hate, it is indifference. The understanding and application of the phrase, the opposite of love, came to me like a bolt of lightning, as an “aha!” experience. The realization of what is not love, but its opposite, gave me clarity about the chaos, the hurtful and confusing things which happened in various relationships. I am hopeful it will do the same for you.
One of the hardest things in a person’s life is to find out the person they have pledged to spend the rest of their life with has betrayed their oath. You will gain precious insight into how the narcissist thinks once you are able to wrap your head around the concept of the absence of feeling for others, no empathy.
For the narcissist, this aspect of indifference takes away his responsibility for any wrong doing. He is always right when he is doing everything according to his self-serving rules. If he is indifferent to you, to your feelings, it allows him to continue to give 100% of his effort to satisfying his own needs, and justify everything he does.
A narcissist will never love you the way you want and need to be loved. He is incapable of digging deep into his emotions. That soul-connection you are seeking is not possible with a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They are too broken inside, too guarded to open their hearts to others. Whatever secrets and or insecurities they are hiding deep down prohibit them from completely opening up to you. Because they live in fear of rejection and shame, they cannot handle true intimacy.
A narcissist is good at fooling you into believing he loves you, but it will not be the true love you are seeking. He expends so much energy keeping up his false façade, he is incapable of real feelings for his partner. With this understanding, you can begin to see what you thought was love, is the opposite, and is in fact indifference. He convincingly plays the role of a person who cares.
It feels so real when he tells you he loves you. He doesn’t just tell you; he may go overboard to show you. In the narcissist’s world things are heightened and some things may feel a bit bombastic. Oversized gifts, or heaps of attention paid to you, things that might make you say to yourself, “I never felt so loved”. Is it possible that he means it in the moment? Yes, he means it, he can even feel it momentarily, but it is not the same “I love you” you are thinking of.
I love you to a narcissist means:
“I love you for what you can do for me”,
“I love you for the way you make me feel”,
“I love you for making me look good when we walk into the party”.
Those are just a few examples. I am sure you might be able to fill in the blanks with some of your own.
A Prisoner of His Past
Our past has shaped us into who we are and the narcissist is no different in that respect. In fact, the narcissist is more a prisoner of his past experiences because something in his past stopped his emotional growth. He did not fully grow into emotional maturity. He is more sensitive to past hurts than most people. Where a healthy person can dig deep within themselves to find the strength to overcome whatever traumas they experienced, the narcissist cannot do that having shut down emotionally years before. The narcissist acts and reacts from how he views his world through that immature lens. His past pain keeps him in protection mode to stop from being put into painful situations again. Everything he does for you is conditional with implied reciprocations. This may not necessarily be “top of mind” for him, but in his world, relationships are always transactional. “If I do “x”, I expect you to do “y”.
Why You Cannot Trust a Narcissist
If he is a smart narcissist, the covert ones usually are, he might be playing a complicated game with you. A game with many twists and turns, taking you through imaginary mazes with many dead ends.
These games are intended for securing his most complicated needs, so his games are calculated, complex, and hidden. One example: as he is “pulling the wool” over your eyes, he might at the same time be further manipulating you for another reason. He might be trying to get more admiration from you, by having you acknowledge how clever he is. For those of us who are unable to interpret “narcissist”, and do not think that way, it is unfamiliar territory. For a loving, trusting partner, he might just as well be speaking a foreign language! Our minds just don’t work that way.
The key words are love and trust. If you love someone you trust them. There is no real relationship, if there is no trust. How do you trust someone who thinks you are a fool for trusting them? But you do trust, as you are blind to his view of trust being a weakness to be used for control. Then one day, you wake up to the reality that he didn’t deserve your trust in the first place.
Mary’s Story: The Clever Covert Narcissist Makes Fun of Her Trust
Mary was married to a very clever covert narcissist. He was so clever that he was able to love bomb her into trusting him completely and to string her along for years. She was completely devoted to him. Every morning when she woke up, she felt like pinching herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. She thought he was the perfect man; kind, good and always surprising her with gifts. He even insisted on doing all the cooking, which is something she loved about him.
In reality, Mary’s husband George looked at her as not very smart, because she trusted him with everything in their lives. She even gave him her paycheck and he gave her an allowance. One day, he became impatient with her for not seeing his ability to keep her in the dark. He was doing so many things behind her back and became frustrated that it was too easy to fool her. Her devotion was not enough to satisfy him, anymore. He also wanted acknowledgement for how skillful he was in his deception. So, that day he started to move his hands, like a magician in front of her face. He kept moving his hands, each hand circling in a different direction. While doing that he said, “watch the hands, the left doesn’t know what the right hand is doing”. Of course, she wondered what he was doing, but being a non-confrontational person, she just smiled and shrugged it off. Not in her wildest dreams could she have imagined he had been cheating on her for the past year or more.
Many narcissists get energy from seeing their negative effect on others. A narcissist can mistake your caring and trust for stupidity because he is not capable of loving someone with all his heart. It is easy for him to look down on his partner, when he is convinced, he is the smarter one.
How Indifference Affects His Partner
Because of this absence of feeling, this indifference, we know truly outrageous and hurtful things have happened to women (and of course to men, too). He can pronounce the relationship or marriage over when he finds his next new shiny object, leave home and possibly never come back. He may be so cruel as to flaunt the new affair. All that, without feeling guilt or remorse. He has that ability to justify whatever bad behavior he does because of how he perceives himself in a relationship.
Because in his mind the relationship is conditional, if his wife stops giving him exactly what he feels he needs, wants, and deserves, he thinks whatever he does is ok. He is indifferent to anyone else’s feelings. Once you understand this, you will see the relationship was not what you thought it was.
Your narcissist can turn into a raging dragon over the smallest thing. A narcissist’s indifference to others’ feelings affords him the luxury of acting out his anger whenever and wherever he wants. Impatience, petulance, silent treatment and sulking all are forms of anger that we might not see as abuse, but they are.
I am using the dragon image, spitting fire to represent how irate he can become. People have said, the narcissist is a vampire who sucks your life’s blood. They blame narcissists for leaving you with little energy or the will to live for yourself. I like the dragon metaphor better because it encompasses more of the narcissist’s character traits and behavior. My experience has shown me how the dragon’s wrath allows him to intimidate, manipulate, and control his partner. The manipulation comes when his partner does his bidding without question, just to try to preempt or stop the rages. History has shown us, appeasing tyrants does not work, only setting boundaries and putting up “heat-shields” does.
Jane’s Story: Dragons Are Tyrants
Jane tried to do everything to her husband’s liking. She not only wanted to be “the perfect wife”, she was basically programed to be one, from childhood. The problem was she was trying to balance it all. She worked hard all day, picked up the kids from two different schools, then once a week, the three of them would go food shopping.
One week, she was unable to find the particular brand of one of her husband’s favorite snacks. He ate so much of this snack food, that he required her to buy more every time she went to the food store. Not only was she rushing around trying to get home in time to make dinner, but the kids were tired and cranky making her rush even more to get them home.
Finally, home Jane was putting away the groceries, when her husband came into the kitchen to inspect what she had bought. Not finding his favorite snack, but another brand of the same snack, he let his inner dragon out.
All of a sudden, Alex is slamming the kitchen cabinet doors, terrifying everyone while yelling about why he couldn’t eat the snacks she had bought. Jane told him, in the calmest voice she could summon, she was not able to find his favorite brand. He was so upset, she stopped putting away the groceries. Even as tired as she was, knowing she still had the whole night ahead of her making dinner, washing up, throwing in a few loads of wash, getting the kids to bed; without a word, she was out the door on her way to another food store.
Dragons are tyrants and have you doing things you would not do for anyone else. Your narcissistic dragon can upset the harmony of your home with intimidation. If you feel you are walking on “egg-shells” with your partner/husband, you are probably doing too much for him and not asking him to do enough. Remember, one-sided relationships don’t work. They only cause stress for the person who is doing all the giving.
The reason for his outbursts may not be anything apparent, not even to him, but there is something there he does not want the world to see. That is why I talk about “slaying the dragon” in your relationship, because inside even the meekest and mildest narcissist, if poked, the dragon will appear!
The more you are aware of what he is doing and why he is doing it, the better you can neutralize his ability to manipulate and control you. Setting boundaries is a big part of keeping control of situations for your own safety. This is the beginning of you taking control and building a toolbox filled with your own tactics to getting your life back.
Narcissists Want to Keep Control
Another pitfall of being treated with indifference is he may attempt to keep his partner handy for further use even after boundaries have been established or the relationship has ended. Because of his indifference toward his partner, he has no problem stringing her along. Most people are uncomfortable with keeping their exes around so they do not string them along, but because of narcissistic indifference, they see no problem. There will be no thought of her needs If he thinks he can get more out of her, it is logical to him to keep her around.
Mary’s Story: Will You Still Be My Business Partner?
After Mary accidentally found out about her husband’s cheating and living a double life, she still loved him and couldn’t imagine a life without him. She gave him three months to give up his mistress. During those three months, he seemed to vacillate between wanting his mistress, then her, and some days he wanted them both. She knew she couldn’t stay in that situation. She also knew how unhealthy and possibly dangerous it might be for her. He never let his inner dragon out but, indicative of the covert narcissist, when she was not cooperating with him, he quietly said, “I know some people”. That was enough for her to hear, she knew from past conversations what he meant by that. She perceived it as a viable threat.
One day, when she was sure she was leaving, she asked if he would give her back her half of a down-payment they had put on an investment property. He acted surprised and said to her; “Oh, I thought you might want to keep that investment with me”. Even after all that, he was still thinking of her supplying him with half the money needed to buy that investment and assuming she would want to stay in that business arrangement.
Smart Narcissists Think Steps Ahead
Narcissists can be super competitive. In his mind he must always win to validate his superiority. He must continually win because the walls he has built must never be breached. He has been living that life of calculating every situation for many years so he is very good at it.
This extreme love and protection of himself is shown in the need for constant acknowledgement, affirmation, admiration and absolute loyalty from his significant other and all those around him. It can become all-consuming for his partner who is trying to make him happy and making sure she doesn’t have to deal with the dragon. He ensures his constant “supply” of this admiration from her, by using many different controlling tactics. His need for this supply can become more intense as time goes on. His partner might become like a drug dealer, where he is needing a stronger and stronger fix. Because he is addicted to getting his way, he will find new ways of getting them met. Many women have described this supply aspect of a narcissistic relationship as insatiable.
Whatever rules he sets may continue to change as he keeps moving the goal posts. For example: If he tells her she needs to lose 10 pounds to be more attractive, and she loses the weight, he might then say; “I’d like you to change your hair-style”. It doesn’t matter to her narcissistic partner if his demands make sense to her, his indifference allows him to make demands without regard to what harm those demands may do. His indifference makes him oblivious to the effects of his actions on others.
Why Being Indifferent Can Make Narcissists Dangerous
Elie Wiesel was a Romanian-born American writer, Nobel Laureate, professor and Holocaust survivor. He wrote his memoir, “Night” to share with the world his experiences as a teenager in the Auschwitz and Buchenwald concentration camps, during World War II. His life’s work was to speak out about human rights abuses. He said apathy and indifference is a greater threat to our way of life than hatred. He was one of the greatest advocates for peace and his work is powerful and lives on.
Hate is easy for people to understand. It is part of the human sphere of emotions. The word hate is even used by little children, as in: “I hate spinach”. Feelings of hate for something, or someone can change over time. Indifference, on the other hand is not commonly talked about as an emotion. You hear people say, “Follow your passion”, not “You need to give a damn”. Indifference is usually associated with disorders and mental illnesses.
Indifference is foreign to us, hard to wrap our heads around, no feeling at all! With indifference, it is not fixable, it is not normal. It is the absence of feeling which can lead to disregard for other people’s suffering and can turn into acts of extreme violence and inhumane cruelty.
Indifference is much more damaging to our psyches, you might say to our souls, because it truly is the opposite of what we have thought or felt is love. But, for the partner of a narcissist, indifference is confusing, leaving her to wonder what happened to that deep connection she was so convinced they had.
Healthy people do not deal well with indifference, they feel lost. Indifference leaves its target feeling less-than, not seen or heard, questioning their very existence. It can lead to profound loneliness and many times to depression. It not only robs her of her sense- of-self and self-esteem, but can shatter her life or even cause her to lose it. It is nothing to be taken lightly.
Knowing how a narcissist’s indifference affects you can empower you to move forward. You will be able to see through the “smoke screen” by knowing the source of their arrogance and feelings of entitlement. Knowing you are not alone in suffering abuse in narcissistic relationships will validate your feelings and emotions. It can serve to lift your spirits and start you on a path of self-discovery and recovery.
Takeaways
The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.
Narcissists are indifferent to their partner’s feelings, wants and needs because they are only dedicated to self-care.
Narcissists are not capable of empathy.
No empathy means they don’t have the capacity to love in the way you want and need to be loved.
Narcissists are able to convincingly playing the role of someone who cares.
Indifference by a partner saps a person’s strength and weakens their self-confidence. In its worst form, it can make them feel like a non-person and be soul crushing.
The narcissist’s dragon will erupt when there is a perceived threat to their thinly veiled façade of superiority and perfection.
The acts of rage the dragon represents is how the narcissist shows his indifference to his partner. He gives himself permission to act out.
The best way to deal with a narcissistic dragon is to stand up to him by setting boundaries for what behaviors you will not tolerate.
The opposite of love is indifference to what a partner feels, needs, or wants. This book offers a rather frightening insight into what this means, how disregard for a spouse (it wouldn’t feel helpful to say partner) plays out, and the impacts this has on a person’s life.
Narcissism is a popular topic on social media at the moment, and the book offers insight into the official diagnosis of narcissism rather than explaining how other people can be extremely annoying at times. Each trait is shown as how it presents rather than just as theory, and, as the book is written for women, examples of men with narcissistic traits are presented throughout the book.
I think it’s important to remember that narcissistic traits are persistently present and that the odd display of frustration or self-centered behavior is just about being an imperfect human being, and this is what the book brings when compared to social media videos, many of which show moments of madness. The women in these stories have had the rug thrown out from under them or have been thrown under the bus.
As a reader, I found the book and the descriptions frightening, and this adds to its value. Women are so often taught that love can turn the beast into a soft hearted and squishy prince. I think all of us have had an experience with someone whose overwhelming determination to get their own way can be extremely disconcerting and confusing, and the book brought back some very uncomfortable feelings from the past. That said, knowing the red flags that indicate persistently selfish and indifferent people is a huge benefit when it comes to self care. I think it would make a huge difference to women who are doubting their current relationships or who have just left an abusive relationship they don’t want to get sucked back into.
For women whose worlds have actually collapsed and who are trying to make sense of what has suddenly happened, or women who feel as though they have been thrown under a bus, this book would offer a way out of the confusion and trauma by helping a woman to make sense of her story.