Born into obedience. Freed by defiance.
Five-year-old Amber Hayes doesnât ask for much. There isnât a lot left to go around after her brothers have had their fill, so she does what comes naturally to little girls: Smile and do as sheâs told.
Amberâs older brother Chad is her closest friend and hero, protecting her when their parents descend into violent rows. Even their fickle, sometimes explosive mother softens in Chadâs presence. But the boy has an unusual fixation with his developing body, and coerces Amber into experiments that leave her trembling, nauseous, and confused.
Years after the abuse is over, shame lives on in Amberâs body until a startling medical diagnosis makes it clear she must finally face the trauma of her past. What follows is both shocking, and revelatory.
The Obedient Daughter is a rare glimpse into sibling sexual abuse and the impact of undiagnosed conditions like borderline personality disorder. Told with unflinching clarity, itâs also a memoir about finding the beauty in broken things, and building new possibilities from the wreckage of the past.
Born into obedience. Freed by defiance.
Five-year-old Amber Hayes doesnât ask for much. There isnât a lot left to go around after her brothers have had their fill, so she does what comes naturally to little girls: Smile and do as sheâs told.
Amberâs older brother Chad is her closest friend and hero, protecting her when their parents descend into violent rows. Even their fickle, sometimes explosive mother softens in Chadâs presence. But the boy has an unusual fixation with his developing body, and coerces Amber into experiments that leave her trembling, nauseous, and confused.
Years after the abuse is over, shame lives on in Amberâs body until a startling medical diagnosis makes it clear she must finally face the trauma of her past. What follows is both shocking, and revelatory.
The Obedient Daughter is a rare glimpse into sibling sexual abuse and the impact of undiagnosed conditions like borderline personality disorder. Told with unflinching clarity, itâs also a memoir about finding the beauty in broken things, and building new possibilities from the wreckage of the past.
âAmber?â she asked.
A tall blonde woman in her late forties looked at me as I sat alone
in the waiting room. She had an accent that I couldnât quite identify.
I stood up, holding my Yeti of coffee in my hand. I rarely left the
house without it. I had exactly one hour and forty-five minutes before
I needed to pick up my youngest daughter from preschool. My oldest
daughter started first grade a week earlier. This was the first time in
years that I had a consistent schedule of time to myself.
âHi, Iâm Dr. M. Itâs nice to meet you,â she said.
I smiled and nodded. We walked side by side together as we
approached her office. She wore a long cardigan and dress pants and
held a cup of coffee. She seemed approachable and reminded me of
an elementary school teacher. I sat down on a grey linen couch. Two
matching armchairs were on the opposite end of the room. There
was a coffee table and small accents, including table lamps and teal
artwork, that made her office feel homey. I could tell everything was
from Ikea, but I liked that she appreciated a beautiful space.
She was the third therapist Iâd seen in a year. The first therapist
was for depression. The second helped me unveil a secret Iâd kept for
twenty-five years. Now, I was seeing a third therapist in the hopes
of releasing some of the pain attached to that secret. This therapist
specialized in post-traumatic stress disorder and worked with war
veterans. I wondered if she could handle my story and my trauma. I
didnât serve a term in Afghanistan, but I wondered if that might have
been easier to endure than the last thirty-seven years.
Dr. M. explained her process of therapy. She used eye movement
desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) in addition to various other
forms of therapy.
âWill it help erase my memories?â I asked.
âNo. It wonât erase your memories, but it will can help with
releasing the emotions that are attached to them,â she said.
I agreed to her process. It seemed better than nothing. At this
point, I would do anything to take away the pain and the reoccurring
thoughts that had been simmering in my brain for the last three
years. I took a sip of my coffee. It brought me comfort and kept my
hands occupied.
âBefore we get to work on EMDR, Iâd like to understand your
trauma a bit more,â she said.
She opened a fresh notebook to the first page.
âIdeally, weâll spend a few sessions understanding your childhood
and any moments that have contributed to your PTSD.â
I knew this was coming. It was the standard first session of
therapy where you regurgitated your story while they sat and took
notes. No tools or thought-provoking questions. Just silence. At the
end of the hour, they bill you $220. She was the seventh therapist Iâd
sat with in my lifetime. I knew the routine. I took my boots off and
sat back on the couch.
âWhere do you want me to start?â I asked.
âLetâs start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood and any
key memories you believe shaped you and your trauma. I want to know
about your family dynamics, each member and what makes them tick.â
I curled my legs behind me and tried to get more comfortable. I
knew we would be here for a while.
As with any emotionally charged read, The Obedient Daughter evoked excitement, concern, heart-wrenching pain, and even annoyance. It also elicited all sorts of reactions: gasps escaped, an unexpected chuckle here and there, and tears I didnât realize were streaming down my face until they blurred my vision. The simplistic narration and diction brought the heaviness clearly to the fore. The book also seems professionally edited so the reader can go through all the turmoil without having errors adding to the hurdles on this journey. One of the nicest things is that the chapters are short, which helps allow for taking a breath to recover from each incident.
Amber Nicole Hayesâs memoir of her journey of healing from the trauma of her childhood is unforgettable. Her dedication to healing is evidenced in the seven therapists she has seen throughout her life and the three she has seen just that year alone. In that period, she has tried various forms of therapy in different stages in an attempt to heal. As the book is written as the memories she recounts in her therapy sessions, there are detailed accounts of all that has brought her to this point.
For this reason, any interested reader should note that some of her memories might be triggering to them. If you think sexual abuse (including rape) and suicide ideation would be a bit much for you currently, rather put this must-read on your to-read list later on. Hayes courageously wrote this with so much honesty and vulnerability that she is not always seen in the best light in every instance. This makes the read multi-dimensional so that it becomes intensely engrossing as the reader navigates their feelings about Hayesâ actions (or inaction) and expectations from people. This is a must-read that you will probably not soon forget.