A Bad Rap
Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths,
but only such as is good for building up, as fits the
occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Exodus 20:16 (New King James Version)
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
James 4:11 (International Standard Version)
Do not criticize each other, brothers. Whoever makes it his
habit to criticize his brother or to judge his brother is judging
the Law and condemning the Law. But if you condemn
the Law, you are not a practicer of the Law but its judge.
Men do not listen. Men do not communicate. Men are dogs. Men are
slobs. Men are intimidated by strong women. Men cannot handle a
woman who makes more money than they do. Men do not love their
children as much as the children’s mother. On and on. While some men
have worked overtime to earn those distinctions, most men have not.
Overall, men have gotten a bad rap.
I get tired of the routine men-bashing and the subsequent piling
on that happens in our society. It is like, in order to lift women up, you
must put men down. That ought not be!
Granted, there are men who are dogs. There are men who do not listen
and are terrible at communication. There are many men (but not all) who
fit the negative stereotypes promulgated in our society. As men most of
us have fragile self-esteem and handle rejection much worse than women.
I believe all those things to be true. I also believe men are socialized into
these behaviors more than I believe it is left brain, right brain causation.
I have always believed if you tell a person something enough times,
true or false, they will eventually believe it. I used to say to my children,
if you tell someone they are a dog enough times, they will eventually
start barking. Such is true for men in our society. Men are told we
cannot multitask. Men are told we are not good communicators. Men
are told we are dogs. And men are told we do not love our children as
much as their mothers.
A mother carries the child for nine months, which forms a special
bond no father can match. This automatically provides an incalculable
deficit no man can overcome. While I agree that carrying a child creates
a distinctive bond, a father need not worry about trying to forge
his love out of the crucible of child carriage and childbirth.
Let me pause for a moment and state, for the record, that the love
of a father and the love of a mother are not in competition (more on
that in a subsequent chapter). Neither should compete with the other
to prove their love is stronger or better. At best, the loves are different
but equal. The purpose of this book is not to make a case for why a
father’s love is better or stronger than a mother’s, nor is its purpose
to subtly submit that a mother’s love is not strong or as strong. This
book, while I will reference perceptions and accepted societal beliefs
regarding a father’s and a mother’s love, is really an effort to submit a
hypothesis that a father’s love is distinctive, strong, and incomparable.
It is an effort to debunk the myths that fathers do not love their children
as much or are not capable of loving as deeply.
I have heard all the jokes, innuendo, and misrepresentations about
fathers and their comparative love. However, while writing my last
book, Divorced, But Still Dad: The Faith Principles of Fatherhood for
Divorced Men, I had an epiphany about a father’s love.
Men have gotten a bad rap long enough. It is time to release men
from the bondage of stereotype and misperception. It is time for fathers
all over the world to stand up and shake off the deluded views and
set the record straight. A father’s love is deep, unconditional, abiding,
and forgiving.
While some may look at the outward appearance, I would encourage
all to open their minds to looking beyond the outward appearance
and beyond the pernicious influences of societal definitions of what it
means to be a man to the examples that have been set and modeled in
the word of God.
Because something is different does not make it wrong. Because
there are different approaches and manners, it does not necessarily make
one right and the other wrong. When it comes to loving our children,
we must reject the construct of a right way and a wrong way to love if
that construct is built on the frail underpinnings of a faulty comparison.
For far too long, men have been told that we do not, cannot, and
are not capable of loving our children in the same manner or to the
same degree as a mother. The carriage and childbirth are the biggest
reasons offered for this men-distinctive handicap. Additionally, there
has been the fact that men spend more time at work and women spend
more time at home, due to men being the breadwinners.
<<<Sound of screeching brakes!>>>
Hold the presses! Times have changed. In today’s times women,
too, have careers and are now taking over the role of breadwinner.
Women are spending less time with children and more time in the
workforce. Women, increasingly, are absent and distracted as much as
men. While this often works to the detriment of children, it is today’s
reality. Women are no longer exclusively stay-at-home moms. Today’s
society is seeing exponential growth in stay-at-home dads. There are
now soccer dads and ballet dads, carpool dads and minivan dads.
Indeed, today’s economy has forced many families into a dual-working
parental situation. As this reality has set in, the emergence of the
internet and social media as surrogate parents has proliferated. Social
media does as much to inform our children’s behaviors, thoughts, actions,
and beliefs as parents. This is partly due to the time in which we
live and how consumed many parents (male and female) have become
with careers and their livelihood.
So, I reject the stereotypes, but more so, I believe it is time to reprogram
men and women. It is time to force open their eyes to see that
men show far more love to their children than they are given credit for.
Men have modeled love, care, and nurturing for centuries. It is time
someone pulled the cover back and exposed the fact that men love their
children deeply, completely, and uncompromisingly. We just do it in
our own way. It is time for the love of fathers to step into the spotlight,
so people stop maligning and misrepresenting it! It is time for fathers
to step forward and proclaim in words, as we have long done in deeds,
that we love our children, deeply and unconditionally!
