Moon Weed.
Not the pale, boutique-strain nonsense you tried once in Amsterdam. Not chocolate edibles or clever marketing. Weed. From the moon. Smuggled back to Earth by Gabe’s father.
Gabe and his best friend Dimitri discover that an almost mythical stash has resurfaced in the hands of their longtime friend and dealer, Daniel.
Suddenly, everyone wants it.
A twitchy government task force. A brain surgeon turned gangster. Badges and guns, all seeking the same plant.
The problem?
Gabe, Dimitri, and Daniel already have it.
And they’re not selling.
Because if the rumors are true, if time really does slow down when you light it up, then three men who were never responsible to begin with are about to find out whether that’s a miracle or total devastation.
Faint sunlight shimmers through the cracked blinds, landing directly on slumbering eyes. The eyes lazily flicker open. An attempt to keep them shut ultimately fails. Yawning with disappointment, arms reach out from under the blanket.
Triggered from the slight movement, an old black, wet nose makes contact with the face of the attempted sleeper. With little response, nose contact turns to several full licks. The figure under blankets finally sits up.
“Hey, buddy, hey! Alright, I’m up. I’m up. You sleep well?” A furry black and white critter responds with a soft grunt. Gabe asks the same question every day, almost expecting a reply in return from his elderly Siberian husky. Would be tight.
Maze rolls onto his back, presenting his stomach for the morning routine belly rubs. What a way to start the day. Gabe grabs his glasses from the nightstand, stretches out, and fulfills the request with a delightful smile.
“You are such a cutie. I love ya. I love ya, I love ya.” Gabe finishes with a few pats for the good boy and the dog gets in a final full-length body stretch before hopping off the bed. Gabe turns on his television and starts streaming relaxing lo-fi music. The pup quickly walks over to his food dish with his tail curled and wagging in excitement.
High-pitched baby voices are heard through the wall.
“Is that tasty? Who’s a good boy? You like that? Yum yum yum!”
With each sentence, the voice gets higher. Still lying in bed, Dimitri holds his pillow tightly wrapped around his ears. The frustration of trying to get much-needed rest on a day off and not being able to, is too real. His eyes bolt open, slightly bloodshot. He stares at his ceiling while unjust thoughts course through his mind.
The moment passes, and Dimitri takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a long-lasting second. He slams his arm over the nightstand, turning on a speaker. His other hand pulls a smartphone out from under his pillow and hovers it above his face. Thirty-five missed calls. Eh, probably not important. What’s the mood looking like right now? He chooses to play some hip-hop as he gets ready for the day.
Gabe hears the loud music. That’s too bad. He was hoping Dimitri would sleep a bit more so he could work on cleaning up the place in peace. Maybe it was Gabe’s fault for waking him, which he feels guilty about. Or maybe Dimitri couldn’t sleep after another rough first date from last night. Whatever the case, it’s time to get started on some errands.
Gabe slowly makes his way over to their shared bathroom to brush his teeth. A quick minute passes before loud banging vibrates through the bathroom door.
“Yo, man, I gotta drop the kids off at the pool. You almost done?” Dimitri yells through the door.
Gabe opens the door without saying a word and steps into the hall. Not that he could speak; his mouth is full of toothpaste foam. Gabe continues brushing his teeth in the hall.
While patiently waiting another five minutes for Dimitri to come out, Gabe looks down at a cardboard box in the hallway. On its top is a framed, triangle-folded American flag. Sadness overcomes Gabe. Trying not to focus on the flag, he makes his way to finish brushing in the kitchen.
It is taking Dimitri a bit long. Not necessarily longer than expected, but longer than Gabe had hoped. Gabe cleans his mouth out at the kitchen sink. Dimitri will probably take a bit longer in the bathroom, not because he has digestion issues, but more along the lines of getting distracted playing on his phone while sitting on the toilet.
Gabe puts his toothbrush down on the kitchen sink. He walks through the hall and takes another glance at the framed flag one more time. Still in his cozy blue plaid pajamas, Gabe retrieves a dog leash hanging on the coat rack and attaches it to his pup’s collar.
“Who needs to go potty?” Gabe asks Maze, who responds with a single happy bark.
As soon as they leave for the doggy area and close the front door, Dimitri exits the bathroom.
A rumble in Dimitri’s tummy signals it’s time to eat. He ponders the inventory of his fridge on the way to it.
“That’s what I thought,” he says to himself as he opens the door on the right half of the fridge. “Still need to go shopping.” Dimitri opens the left half to the freezer, hoping there’s some kind of food he can snag. There is. A single frozen, microwaveable burrito.
Dimitri contemplates eating this, as it surely belongs to Gabe. Oh, well, maybe ordering something online would be better. He closes the fridge, walks into the living room, and plops himself on the couch. But before I start thinking about food, he thinks, as his eyes lock onto a bag of marijuana resting on the coffee table, I could get high and the food will be even better.
Without hesitation, Dimitri grinds up some weed, packs a glass pipe, and inhales. What a way to start the day.
The front door opens, followed by the scuttling of small feet. Gabe returns and hangs up his jacket and leash back on the coat rack. The dog runs over to a bed on the floor that matches his size. He plops down and curls into a ball.
The microwave beeps and buzzes with electricity. The inside light flickers on as the glass plate holding a frozen burrito whirs around. The smell of burnt plastic slowly fills the air as the timer counts down.
Dimitri ignores the stench as the end-goal of a half-warm burrito sounds too good to pass up. Staring at the spinning delicacy, dark smoke protrudes from the outside vents of the microwave which fuses with the lighter smoke already lingering in the room.
“Dee, what the hell are you doing in there?” a voice calls from the other room. “No way you’re actually trying to use that thing. Take it to the dumpster. Like, what the hell?”
The microwave is the same one from when they first smoked together. Dimitri had nearly destroyed it. Gabe’s father thought it’d be appropriate to gift it to him as a going-away present after moving again. And now Dimitri’s back to finish the job.
“No way, man,” Dimitri replies softly. “This baby has way too many memories. I am honored to heat my breakfast in it.” He joyfully pats the top of the smoking microwave. “Plus, I spent most of my check already, so I can’t buy a new microwave right now.”
Gabe walks into the kitchen quickly, joint in his mouth, and an ashtray in hand. He tries not to slam the ashtray, as it’s nearly full to the brim with ashes, but ends up doing just that. Ashes scatter across the countertop as he takes one more quick puff from his joint and sets it on the ashtray. Dimitri immediately picks it up and smokes.
Gabe unplugs the microwave and hoists it up onto his chest, almost toppling backwards. To both of their surprise, the microwave continues to run. The lights are on, the plate is spinning, the frozen burrito is… doing something. How is it bubbling?
Gabe walks out of the kitchen. The apartment is still scattered with cardboard boxes—some opened, some empty, and some still taped shut. Dodging the boxes and furniture, Gabe walks across the room to the far window. He balances the smoking microwave on one leg, lets go with one arm, and slides the window open.
He thrusts the microwave through, inadvertently presses the open door button, and it plummets to the ground. Luckily, the landlord has stored the complex’s dumpsters right under the windows while construction is being done on the parking lot. The two use this technique for taking out the trash often.
“Dude, my fucking burrito!”
Gabe turns around and in between breaths says, “Your burrito?” He goes to the freezer to verify if Dimitri went shopping. He sure the fuck didn’t. “Bro, what the hell! That was my burrito!”
“Give me a break, Gee,” Dimitri inhales and exhales from the joint. “I got high and I was hungry.”
“Yeah, cool excuse. No way you were going to eat that. That microwave is fucked. Actually, because of you. No idea why you even have it still,” Gabe takes a moment to process Dimitri’s response. “And you got high?”
Dimitri points to the coffee table.
“And you smoked my weed? Not chill, Dee.” Gabe snaps the joint out of Dimitri’s hand and puffs on it. “Super not chill. If you wanted food so bad, you should’ve went out and bought some!”
“My funds are allocated for the month already.”
“Oh, so you do have money.”
“No, bro, they’re allocated.”
“Obviously not for food. So I’m assuming rent and…”
“Weed, Gromit. Weeeeeed.”
“So why’re you smoking my stash?” Gabe asks, growing impatient.
“I still need to go grab some. You know I’ll smoke you up,” Dimitri explains. “That burrito still would’ve slapped. I was going to split it with you.”
“You were going to share half a frozen burrito with me?” Gabe questions.
“Yeah, dog, I love you.”
“Romantic. You could’ve just cooked it in the oven like a normal person.”
“Bro, that’d take forever.”
“Order food.”
“Yeah, that’s fair.”
Some time goes by as Gabe and Dimitri kick back on their couch. The room is still filled with smoke, but this time with a much lighter hue. The dog now lies curled up between the two boys on the couch.
Gabe plays some goofy-ass video game while Dimitri focuses on ordering food from the city’s most popular delivery app, Come Fast. Anything can be ordered from a range of groceries, food, medications, and even in some emergency situations, marijuana. They’re quite known for their popular slogan, We come fast so you can come again.
While struggling to keep his eyes open, Dimitri speaks up, “Alright, food is on its way. Tom should be here in about an hour.”
Gabe takes some time to process this information, “Wait, I didn’t even order anything, though. And Tom from high school?”
“Bitch, you literally told me to order food. And why the fuck would Tom Kennings be bringing us food? No, it’s the name of the delivery driver.”
“Hoe, ‘literally’? That was like two hours ago.” In reality, it took about twenty minutes for Dimitri to place the order.
“Well, I paid for it, so,” Dimitri lingers on this last word. “Umm… What was I saying?”
“Uhh…” Gabe also can’t recall what their conversation was about.
“Oh well.” Dimitri opens a dating app and rapidly swipes.
“Holy shit, dude. Calm down,” Gabe says when he notices how fast Dimitri is swiping on the Likes and absolutely no Dislikes.
“What, man? You get better odds this way.”
Stunned, Gabe insists, “What if you match with some trolls?”
Dimitri stops swiping and looks Gabe in the eyes, “Brother, I like ‘em thick. Look at this one, for example. That’s a biiiiiiig bitch!”
Gabe shakes his head and laughs at his response. “Alright, man. This is probably why your dating life is having a rough streak, but to each their own.”
“Maybe you should try this app out. It’ll get your mind off your ex.”
“Ugh, don’t mention her. Still hurts hearing that she’s my ex.”
“Gee, it’s been like three days. You gotta move on.”
“Jesus, man. I’ll recover at my own speed. Mind ya business,” Gabe says.
“Okay, sure. So you ever gonna tell me what the deal breaker was for her?” Dimitri asks.
“Huh?”
“Like, why’d she break up with you?”
“She didn’t break up with me, dude. I broke up with her,” Gabe asserts.
“Bro, Gee, I know for a fact that she broke up with you. What did it?” Dimitri persists.
Gabe’s mind flashes back to the last night that his ex-girlfriend was over.
*
It was a beautiful and eventful date-night and the two prepared to retire for the evening. The day couldn’t have gone better. Gabe really outdid himself with mini-golf, an exquisite restaurant reservation, and a beautiful ice-skating session on a natural frozen lake.
“I’m actually sore from today,” Gabe’s ex explained, almost surprised. She lifted the bed covers and hopped in.
“Me, too! I think I got blisters on my hands from golf,” Gabe mumbled through the foam of toothpaste in his mouth.
“Ow! I need those hands to heal quickly. Ice-skating was harder on me than I was expecting,” she said provocatively. Gabe leaned out of his bathroom and locked eyes with her. “I need those big, strong hands of yours.”
Gabe froze brushing his teeth and seemed to float toward the bed. He gulped and put his toothbrush on his dresser. It was the moment the entire day had been leading to.
“Ummm, what’d you just do?” Gabe’s ex said, repulsed.
“Uhh, what do you mean?” Gabe asked, confused, as he climbed onto the bed.
“Did you just swallow all of that toothpaste?”
Gabe cleared his throat, “N-No?”
She wriggled out from under Gabe. “Hey, sorry. I gotta go.”
*
“Maybe another time when I finish recovering,” Gabe said, snapping back into reality. He puts the controller on the couch. “Fuck online dating. Shit is whack.”
Dimitri holds up a hand to cheer up Gabe, “You got this, bro. You’ll be back banging in no time.” Gabe attempts to slap his hand. Yoink. “Oh, too slow!”
“Hate that. So how’d your date last night go?”
“I got stood up. Yeah, shit is whack,” Dimitri pauses the swiping and puts his phone down. He quietly picks up the controller and changes the video game to something a little more violent. Dimitri almost immediately complains and curses at the television.
“Why do you even like this game?” Gabe asks, while watching.
“It’s relaxing, bro. I’ve been blasting fools with this fifty cal handgun. I’m so damn close to the golden camo. A few more games.” Dimitri dies and visibly tries to contain his frustration.
“Uh-huh,” Gabe replies. “Shit’s unrealistic.”
Dimitri scoffs, “This is the most advanced shooter of all time. The fuck do you know?”
“Actually, a lot. Growing up in a huge conspiracy household, my Dad would take me to the range quite a bit. Dad would even sometimes…”
“Bullshit!” Dimitri yells at the television. “That’s pretty cool, though.”
Was it cool? Did he actually hear Gabe talking to him? Who’s to say?
“Isn’t this that game that used be really popular, but the publishers ran it into the ground?” Daniel asks.
“Yep. They ruin every game now with their predatory monetization schemes,” Dimitri passionately explains.
The grind continues. Another ninety minutes pass. More smoke is added to the air.
“Dee, when the fuck is this food coming?”
“Shit, I forgot. Let me check,” Dimitri slowly reaches for his phone that’s sitting on the coffee table in front of him. He taps the screen and reveals multiple notifications. They’re all from Come Fast.
Gabe catches a glimpse of Dimitri’s notifications. “Damn, Dee, it’s probably been sitting at our door for the last hour.” Gabe gets up and goes to the front door. Dimitri ignores Gabe to carefully read the notifications in the app.
“Huh. Nothing.” Gabe closes the door and heads back to the couch. “I swear if those neighbor kids are taking our food, they’re about to receive a lot of free laxative chocolates.”
Dimitri chuckles and looks up from his phone, “So, apparently, our delivery driver canceled on us. He was trying to text me, and I didn’t notice.”
“Great, so no food. Bro, I’m starving. What the hell happened?”
Dimitri looks back at his phone, “The guy hit some crazy ass traffic and decided it wasn't worth it. He just took our food home, I guess.”
Gabe tries to make sense of it all, “This doesn’t make sense. Let me get this straight. Our delivery driver picked up our food, got in his car with our food, started driving our food to us, then went home… with our food?”
“That sums it up.”
“Dude, what the fuck.”
“Umm… well fuck. What do we do now?”
“Shit, man, I don’t know. You figure it out. You’re the one that fucked up my last burrito that I was saving. That was for a rainy day, man.”
“Hmmm,” Dimitri ponders. He looks at his phone displaying the cancellation of their food order. He looks up at the upset Gabe through the haze. He looks back at the coffee table of scattered marijuana crumbs and several lighters. He looks at the television that has a video game character in the lobby menu eating out of an absolute behemoth sized popcorn container.
“Gee, upon further examination of our situation—”
“Who the fuck talks like that?” Gabe interrupts with a laugh.
“We have another issue,” Dimitri continues, “we gotta stock up.”
“Damn, son. No food and no weed?” Gabe says in shock at the unfortunate news.
“Well, we could order food from somewhere else. And I think this high should last until we eat. We could just pick up weed tomorrow?”
Gabe and Dimitri stare into nothing to think. They look back at each other. “Hell no,” both say with certainty and share a hearty fist bump.
“No way I’m spending this weekend sober,” Dimitri says. “We can stop by ol’ Danny Boy’s place. Dude has been blowing my phone up the last couple of days.”
“Shit, me, too. I haven’t been answering, though. Some of his texts mentioned a heist.”
“Bro, same! I didn’t know you’d join us.”
“Join you for… a heist?” Gabe asks.
“Yeah, we’ll do heists every now and again. It’s the quickest way to get money and level-up. I didn’t know you played.”
“Ahh. Gaming.”
“Well, yeah. What? You think he’s hitting you up for a heist in real life?” Dimitri chuckles.
“Yeah, no. Anyways, we get some green and figure out where we’re eating on the way.” Gabe resumes planning. Dimitri nods and hums a tune of agreement.
They throw on their coats and shoes. Gabe grabs his keys from their jade Buddha statue. Classic. The two of them gather their phones, wallets, lighters and papers. The essentials.
“Bye, sweet boy. Love ya. I’ll get ya a treat. We’ll be back soon,” Gabe consoles his dog by patting his head.
The dog cocks his head and lets out a quiet whimper as Gabe and Dimitri exit the apartment.
The journey for food and weed starts.
What a way to start the day.