This book shows readers how to live a balanced life in a chaotic world through the powers of awareness, compassion, humility, gratitude, encouragement, and responsibility. Each Pillar chapter comprises illustrative anecdotes helping readers resonate with each pillar. The self-reflective exercises at the end of each chapter are an important part of regaining balance. Common sense and the Golden Rule are at the core of civil behavior. This book is a helpful guide for anyone committed to making a change in their lives.
This book shows readers how to live a balanced life in a chaotic world through the powers of awareness, compassion, humility, gratitude, encouragement, and responsibility. Each Pillar chapter comprises illustrative anecdotes helping readers resonate with each pillar. The self-reflective exercises at the end of each chapter are an important part of regaining balance. Common sense and the Golden Rule are at the core of civil behavior. This book is a helpful guide for anyone committed to making a change in their lives.
Introduction
If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.
— Leo Tolstoy
Let’s begin our exploration of civility with awareness, which I define as being mindful of the people and things around us, primarily our effect on one another. If we are to build healthy lives and sustain vibrant communities, we must open our eyes. But, unfortunately, in the fast-paced, time- starved lifestyles many of us choose to lead, awareness seems to all but disappear. That’s a tragedy and a real danger to civi- lized society, because we often become more reclusive and less connected to each other.
Our instincts lead us to awaken to the world around us. Becoming fully engaged opens the doors to a fun, exciting, and fulfilling life.
Self-awareness is an essential aspect of awareness we can- not afford to ignore. How often can we remember feeling like we were too busy to acknowledge our friends and family who reached significant milestones or accomplishments? Unfortu-
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nately, none of us are immune to this lack of awareness. We can’t be bothered with writing thank-you notes. We even miss birthdays and anniversaries.
This disregard can lead to an erosion of civility and the friendships and connections we desire. A healthy society com- prises many interdependent relationships. We cannot thrive without them; we need each other for our very survival. So it stands to reason that awareness is a critical component of our daily lives. Undoubtedly, we would be much happier, feel saf- er, and have a greater sense of self-worth if we engaged with others more effectively and became more aware of our place in the world. As we make mistakes, meet personal challenges, and strive to succeed and feel safe and secure, greater aware- ness helps us act with grace, compassion, and humility.
Too often, we drift through life with no real sense of what’s happening because we are not fully engaged. Sadly, we miss out on what life has to offer while we endure fear without tak- ing the time to connect with others. Feelings of isolation can develop, and progress and productivity come to a screeching halt. We experienced this during COVID-19, when feelings of loneliness intensified.
Being isolated can also impede our success at work. Team- work is usually a vital component of a healthy and encourag- ing business environment. Collaboration requires an ongoing awareness of what our teammates are doing. Without this fine- ly honed skill, everyone suffers.
Awareness brings to mind two familiar phrases: “deer in the headlights” and “stop and smell the roses.” How often do we
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Introduction
feel like we’re caught unaware, and life is rushing by us? When do we take the time to enjoy what we are doing and who we are doing it with, even if it is just with ourselves? Slowing down to allow life to come into focus helps us achieve our goals, what- ever they may be, from a happy family to a successful career. Even both!
Awareness of what we do, our real intentions for doing it, and how we feel about it helps us interact more gracefully with others. It also leads to respectful relationships, a healthy and productive work environment, and a thriving family.
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The Gift of “Small Spaces”
The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all and then stands back to see if we can find them. The hunt to uncover those jewels—that’s creative living.
— Elizabeth Gilbert
Awareness often appears instantaneously. We find it in the most unlikely places at the most unlikely times. While living in a vast universe, we can uncover surprising insights in the smallest of spaces.
Ideas such as awareness, compassion, and civility have be- come part of everyday conversation for adults and children. With today’s emphasis on addressing and eradicating incivility and bullying, which add unnecessary stress to our lives, such discussions have emerged like so many flowers in a garden. How incredibly refreshing and promising! As Byron Katie as- serts, “No one is too young or too old to have their feelings hurt, to be confused, or frustrated, or depressed. And everyone deserves to know how to deal with their suffering.”
For many of us, growing up meant dealing with these same dynamics but with a sparse set of tools and an emotional denial mindset. Let’s face it: rarely does anyone have a perfect child- hood. We were told to “just get over it” or heard “sorry about your luck” or “life isn’t fair.” Today, I find these dismissive
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instructions as useless and cruel as when I was a child. Be- cause we don’t understand what handling stressful situations involves, many of us are still grappling with the same struggles we experienced as children. The coping mechanisms we have adopted to survive have created stressful lives filled with inse- curity, low self-esteem, and incivility. What can we do to im- prove how we handle stress in our lives?
We can reduce stress by breaking down stressful thoughts into manageable pieces: we can more easily see the total pic- ture by examining the parts that create it. Only by looking at overwhelming situations or feelings as individual pieces of the whole can we begin to cope with what is going on.
Where to begin is the biggest challenge for most of us, be- cause taking the first step can be scary. Having no clear path often stops us from beginning at all. The best way to move forward is to break our actions down into smaller steps. Much to my surprise, when I started taking small steps, I discovered hidden gems of information. I refer affectionately to these little gems as “the good stuff,” and where they live is what I refer to as “the small spaces.”
The small spaces exist between breaths, thoughts, or lines in a book. We usually don’t think about these small spaces, but we can uncover the little gems that comfort us when we take the time to do so. We then remember just how much we miss as we glide through life. It is in these small spaces where civil- ity hangs its hat. They are also where common sense begins, and we discover, through trial and error, what works and what doesn’t.
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The Gift of “Small Spaces”
To discover this for yourself, you will need to commit some time to this practice. One of the discoveries I made on my jour- ney is how little “free” time I thought I had. The commitment I made to myself included permitting myself to set aside “me” time. Initially this seemed quite selfish. However, I quickly re- alized how important it was to set aside “me” time each day. If we sit quietly, we let our minds open to reveal our most pro- found inner feelings and thoughts without being distracted by our tasks. By listening quietly, we can gain valuable insight into our suffering. We can discover ways to reduce unnecessary stress and eventually eliminate it. It’s an exercise that provides enormous benefits with relatively little effort. It only needs to take a few minutes a day. Try it: make “me” time a priority.
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Please Push My Wheelchair
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ionce spoke about civility at a launch for a book about bul- lying in the workplace. The guests were an eclectic mix of friends who had traveled from as far away as California to sup- port the author, Andrew Faas. Several speakers shared their ex- periences about bullying at work and about initiatives under- way to bring greater awareness to this serious and complex issue and announce new actions to make some fundamental changes.
One of the most interesting people I met that evening was a journalist in a wheelchair. She asked me for my business card as I stood beside her during a brief pause. She had listened to my remarks about the six pillars of civility, which align with the underlying dynamics of Faas’ book. She writes about human atrocities, past and present. The fact that my words resonated with her meant a great deal to me. I felt a rush of gratitude.
Later I went to speak with her again. I had left my business cards in my car 150 miles away, so I wanted to write down and exchange contact information with her. She smiled when she
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learned I was Canada’s Etiquette Guy and wrote columns about etiquette and civility, and she asked me to read the sign on the back of her wheelchair. Most placards I had seen on wheel- chairs in New York were pleas for money or food. This sign simply said, “Please Push My Wheelchair.” Frankly, I thought it was an unusual request. Without prompting, she related to me why she carried the sign: it provided clarification and al- lowed people to assist her and others who might need a push.
As I pondered her message, I knew there was more to this simple request than meets the eye. She went on to explain how important it is to give people opportunities to help each other.
I had never properly considered this perspective before, but it made perfect sense. Connecting with others is the most nat- ural and important action we engage in throughout our life. It follows that being of service is an essential ingredient in main- taining healthy communities. Something as simple as giving someone a gentle push, especially when they are facing an up- hill challenge, can be of paramount importance.
Being aware of those around us who need assistance allows us to connect on a fundamental level. As community members, we have a responsibility to be part of the process of transform- ing our weakest links into pillars of strength. Coincidentally, it is very satisfying to lend a helping hand or receive a gentle push.
Finally, when we metaphorically push a wheelchair, we en- courage that person to continue on their path, realizing that we cannot always succeed alone. We become comfortable know- ing that connecting in this way is not a sign of weakness but of
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Please Push My Wheelchair
strength and cooperation. In many of the activities we engage in throughout the day, we need to establish connections and work in concert with our friends, family, and coworkers.
The next time you see someone who needs their “wheel- chair” pushed, stop, ask them if they would like some help, and, if they say yes, take the time to help them. By giving oth- ers a push, we enrich our lives and help sustain safe and healthy communities where we can live our lives to the fullest.
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Through the Eyes of the Dining Room Table
It has been said, “time heals all wounds.” I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone.
— Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
As he slid open the barn door, the antiques dealer ushered my newlywed parents into his workshop filled with cob- webs and piles of “old wood furniture.” A table covered in half-empty paint cans caught my mother’s eye. The dealer ex- plained that it would need some work, but it had gorgeous legs and the proportions were perfect for the dining room. Being a determined woman, my mother persuaded the cabinetmaker to do his best to restore the table to its former glory.
Over the years, the table hosted many dinner parties and was where my sister and I learned to eat once we outgrew eat- ing with our hands. The table’s beautiful dark mahogany sur- face sparkled. We used place mats instead of a tablecloth, and the sound of placing knives and forks and spoons every day has left an indelible mark on me. There was never any noisy clanking; it had a measured, purposeful tone, much like the way good conversations flow.
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Like the conversation, which remained civil, yet uninterest- ing, the table was rarely fully expanded. But when we added the large leaves and set the table for a formal dinner, the con- versations developed into more meaningful exchanges of ideas. Here we learned real lessons. We discovered different foods and how to eat them correctly; we became aware of where they were grown and who produced them. We explored animal hus- bandry and discussed hunting and shooting. We learned that food originates in wild, natural settings, not on grocery store shelves. Understanding these concepts helped create images in my mind’s eye. As a result, I realized that I relate more suc- cessfully with the world through pictures than words.
We learned to discuss politics and economics at an early age. We became aware of and learned to appreciate the strengths of people elected to office and spent far less time discussing their weaknesses. Leading politicians, great athletes, and a few en- tertainers became our mentors. The dining table was a haven, a brief respite from the challenges of growing up in the combat zone of a privileged but highly dysfunctional family.
I learned how to serve and clear the table, making sure not to drop anything as I moved silently around the room. This skill came quickly, and I enjoyed it. I am grateful that the table witnessed and experienced my newly acquired abilities.
My sister and I usually ate early and together at the large table. There we would discuss our day at school, how we would avoid our mother’s quirky behavior, and how relieved we would feel when our father would come home. He was our only hope for protection from our brutal, dictatorial, and oppressive mother.
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Through the Eyes of the Dining Room Table
We grew up at that table. We became adolescents, and then one day, that table was gone. Through the ravages of life, di- vorces, new houses, and blended families, the table needed to find a new home. A museum benefited from its departure. It was sold as an original Duncan Phyfe, which it was, and is now gracing another lucky family’s dining room. It will never forget what it heard while in our care, as it did in the care of countless previous families, even while resting under the paint cans and cobwebs.
I hope it retains the peace and comfort it afforded us as chil- dren. After all, dining room tables overhear some of the most meaningful conversations families have.
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Sidewalk Etiquette
I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was going in.
— John Muir
One of life’s simple pleasures is strolling along a city side- walk, enjoying a bit of window-shopping. Gliding past brightly decorated storefronts transports us far away from the
hustle and bustle of our everyday lives and into a gentler, quiet- er space. We allow our thoughts to drift in different directions. We use sidewalks as safe paths to travel on foot around town. They keep us away from cars and trucks and usually safe from bicycles, skateboards, and roller skates. After a heavy rain, sidewalks protect us from puddles and oil-slicked road-
ways.
Sidewalks are for pedestrian traffic, and sharing them com-
fortably requires observing a few simple, polite rules. As an example, for some reason, on the busiest of days, families de- cide to gleefully stroll down the sidewalk side by side, oblivi- ous of others, and preventing fellow pedestrians from passing in either direction. When the eventual collision appears immi- nent, the family rarely closes ranks or even steps to one side. Is this rudeness because of a sense of entitlement or oblivious- ness?
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The 6 Pillars of Civility
No matter how you look at sidewalk traffic, we all need to be more aware of other people sharing the same path. Aware- ness requires looking around and seeing who is nearby: Are they going in our direction or against us? Are they in a hurry and carrying bags, or are they guiding small children? To avoid creating sidewalk missteps, take a moment to look around and be aware of your surroundings. Treat sidewalks as roads: walk and pass in the same direction as traffic does. Sidewalks would then be safer and more enjoyable.
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Shopping with Humility
Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier
opens another checkout line.
— Ann Landers
Navigating the aisles of a store can be fraught with chal- lenges. Many shoppers are in a terrible rush, stressed out, and accompanied by excited children who are impatient and needy. Increasingly narrow aisles, larger shopping carts, and an ever-growing choice of products add to this confusion.
Don’t block the aisle with your shopping cart. Especially on the busier weekend days, being aware of the space you and your cart are occupying helps avoid collisions. Although this seems like common sense, many people fail to move their carts out of the way. Sometimes this is unavoidable. In such cases, I recommend the 10-second rule. If you need more than 10 sec- onds to find what you need, move your cart out of the way and continue your hunt unencumbered.
Keep track of your children. Understandably, little ones de- light in running up and down the aisles where their favorite treats await. Although it is a good idea to teach children how to shop and where to find things in the store, it is helpful to
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remember that this is neither a playground nor a day care cen- ter. Unruly children are annoying and hazardous, especially if other shoppers can’t see them over their carts. Keep free-range children under your watchful eye at all times.
Talking on cell phones, especially while interacting with store employees, is rude and disrespectful to those on the phone as well as to the person in front of you. This disrespect is a form of bullying and sets a poor example for children. Cell phones come in very handy when shopping, allowing you to plan meals or compare prices. However, conversations should be private, discreet, and out of earshot.
Don’t just abandon your shopping cart in the parking lot. There are designated areas for returning carts: use them. Being inconsiderate is lazy, and leaving your cart creates an obsta- cle for others trying to park. Put yourself in the next shopper’s shoes. They will appreciate it.
Don’t criticize employees for store deficiencies. Berating anyone in a public setting is unacceptable and will not solve a thing. If you have a legitimate complaint, discuss it privately with the store manager. The stock person is not responsible for limp vegetables, relocated items, or any other problem. Man- agers know how to handle customer service issues responsibly.
Don’t have a heated discussion or argue with other custom- ers or, worse yet, with your children. Remember, supermarket aisles are public spaces, not places to fight or bring attention to yourself inappropriately. Other shoppers find this behavior unsettling. If you must have a confrontation, do so in private. After all, many professionals agree that yelling at a child is as abusive as hitting a child.
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Shopping with Humility
These are just some of the actions that influence any shop- ping experience. We’ve all witnessed them. Many of us can even remember being guilty of them. Let’s remember to make shopping a pleasant experience. Everyone benefits. Even when we are in a terrible hurry, we cannot forget to take the time to be civil.
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Moving from Fear to Calm
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
— Dorothy Thompson
Ihad the privilege of teaching a group of immigrants who were aspiring entrepreneurs. As part of the Business Immi- grant Mentoring Program, the participants had plenty of ques- tions about understanding Canada’s business culture. Surpris- ingly, most of the queries from these budding entrepreneurs were similar to those posed by non-immigrants. The two most prevalent themes were learning to communicate effectively and making connections to further their businesses. What also came to light as the most challenging obstacle to success was the fear of making mistakes.
This same fear is prevalent in many workplaces. Two stud- ies conducted by the Faas Foundation in partnership with Men- tal Health America and the Yale Center for Emotional Intelli- gence showed that over 70 percent of workers find their jobs unfulfilling, do not speak highly of their bosses, and are look- ing for other jobs. Sadly, this dynamic produces a culture of fear where bullying and unnecessary stress are the underlying reasons for 120,000 deaths per year caused by stress at work. Also, the loss of productivity translates to a $1.5 trillion loss
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to the North American economy annually. These statistics are significant, and we must take them seriously if we are to return civility and success to the workplace.
How do we move from a culture of fear to one where the workplace is psychologically safe, healthy, and fair? This shift requires a conscious effort by all concerned to want to see a change. Enough people must want to embrace the ethic of reci- procity (the Golden Rule) and employ common sense.
The path to creating a cultural revolution always begins with each of us as individuals. We are reminded of this every time a flight attendant directs us to first put our own oxygen mask on before assisting others. This directive mirrors how life works in general. We must be sure to have our own house in order before we can effectively be of any assistance.
How to do that? Consider the breath. Perhaps I am a slow learner. Or maybe I am stubborn and committed to a resistance to change, but I have ignored the importance of the breath un- til recently. Although we need to breathe to stay alive, we can change our world from fear to calm when we purposefully use this automatic function.
We have all heard the directive to just calm down. That is one of those friendly suggestions that often fall on deaf ears because we have no idea how to accomplish this! Intention- al breathing is one easy and successful answer. Try this the next time you are feeling stressed. Take four nice, long, even breaths, and you’ll find that a feeling of calm begins to replace the stress. Then you can start to process rational thoughts and figure stuff out again.
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Moving from Fear to Calm
Once you have regained balance and feel centered, encour- age others within your circle to do the same. A calm state of mind allows us to respect others and listen to what they have to say.
This change of behavior is also proving useful in schools and organizations. Schools are introducing time-outs in the form of meditation breaks. Many workplaces provide quiet rooms where people can regain their composure after a partic- ularly challenging situation. A calm mind achieves clear think- ing. A fearful mind thinks only of surviving the immediate mo- ment. Which way do you prefer?
Take an honest look at your life and ask yourself if you like what you are doing personally and professionally. Then ask yourself why. If you aren’t feeling fulfilled or even safe, do you realize that you can change that? Some of us need to change jobs, some of us need to edit our list of friends, or we may de- cide that seeking professional counselling would be helpful.
These choices are all significant. We need to remember to have compassion for those who are making their lives so chal- lenging. We must also have compassion for ourselves and all human beings. We need to connect with others for our very survival. But the people with whom we connect are our choice.
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Safety and Civility Go Hand in Hand
As economies change, so do communication skills. From these changes, a need arises for new ways to incorporate a healthy social compass into our lives.
― Cindy Ann Peterson
Feeling safe and secure is a basic human need. We instinc- tively do whatever we can to move away from things that we fear or cause us pain and toward people or things that pro- tect us or give us pleasure. It is within this sense of security that we form our communities. When events disrupt our feelings of safety, we immediately revert to the fight, flight, or freeze re- sponses designed to keep us alive.
Unfortunately, our brains are complex and not designed to be the smooth-running engines we would like. We regularly bounce back and forth between feeling safe and feeling frightened. Each state of awareness elicits a different response. When we feel se- cure, we naturally connect with others more readily than when we are frightened. In today’s highly stressed existence, most of us continually look over our shoulders, waiting for the next pro- verbial shoe to drop. This culture of fear is ripping our society to shreds. Many of us feel as though our ship has lost its rudder.
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This fear knows no bounds. I haven’t met anyone who can- not relate to this state of discomfort. We look around us and see poverty, despair, and frustration. Some of us live with this reality, many turn a blind eye to the pain, and a growing num- ber devote their lives to making a better life for the less fortu- nate. Every single step that we take toward alleviating suffer- ing helps heal a battered society.
Is this the way we want to live? Is this the world we want to leave to the next generation? Shouldn’t everyone have the chance to live a fulfilling, abundant life?
Feeling safe and secure is the keystone of civility. Only when we are not on constant guard can we exhale and enjoy a more thoughtful and purposeful life. This dynamic is in play throughout our lives, beginning at birth, if not before. Every opposing force that we encounter impacts the very fabric of our existence. These forces can be emotional and mental as well as physical. Socioeconomic factors influence how much negativ- ity we will face, but only to a degree.
We must understand the incredible amount of time and work it takes to heal the damage created by this negativity. Current thinking is that many of these challenges have overwhelmed the system. Leaders are scrambling to find solutions, all while their constituents or employees continue to be frustrated. Un- fortunately, every moment a person suffers, they need more in- ner courage and outer support to rebalance their life.
Taking personal responsibility for ourselves is how we can most effectively make positive changes in our lives. Knowing what is happening solidifies our foundation, allowing us to bet- ter understand where to take our next step.
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Safety and Civility Go Hand In Hand
We aren’t going to solve all of our problems magically. Nor can or should we expect the government to do it. But we can improve our happiness by gaining a greater understanding of what we’re actually doing. The next time you act out in frus- tration or anger at your child, partner, coworker, or employee, know that you are inflicting damage, creating fear, and contrib- uting to their suffering.
We are not likely to stop or change our behaviors overnight. Still, with compassion for others and ourselves, we can make a great start. Regaining balance in our lives is not usually a process we can work through without help. Most often, this help comes from friends and family. Professional counseling can accelerate the healing process, help prevent mental illness- es from worsening, and improve our overall mental health. A willingness to seek out and accept this kind of help remains a challenge today because of the harsh stigma around mental ill- ness.
Knowing how important safety is in achieving and main- taining a healthy community, we need to encourage one anoth- er to find more balance and less turmoil. Civility should not be a mysterious concept meant only for a chosen few. It is a way of life we all deserve. How will you alleviate suffering and negativity in your life and in the lives of those you love?
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Self-Reflective Exercises
With this group of exercises, and those at the end of each chap- ter, find a quiet place and ask yourself:
What matters most to you in your life?
Practice sitting alone and quietly at least once a day. Be aware of your thoughts and let them pass without judg- ment. Notice any physical sensations. Consider journaling about them.
Visit the small spaces. Investigate them, allowing them to expand and reveal your inner self.
What causes stress in your life, and what brings you con- tentment and fulfillment?
Write any new glimpses of understanding in a small note- book or journal as often as you can. Going back over these notes helps you strengthen these understandings and create new and healthier patterns.
• Do not censor or judge your thoughts during this quiet time.
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The book tries to break civility into six main pillars; awareness, compassion, humility, gratitude, encouragement, and responsibility. While exploring each pillar, the author shares personal anecdotes to highlight what he had learned and how he had come to certain realization.
Mr. Jay Remer believes that these pillars are the core for establishing civil behavior at our times. He encourages people help each other, even if starting only by the simple act of pushing someone’s wheel chair, and to open doors for other people to help, and to give from the depths of their hearts without expecting something in return. He assures people that it is okay to be a bother and ask for help when needed, because it is very important for the sake of our civilization to be able to connect with one another.
The book also portrays forgiveness as a necessary act of compassion, insists on forming and respecting boundaries, and letting the people in our lives know they are appreciated, and also shows how making rash assumptions can back fire.
The book is well written, but most of it feels like random essays as not everything said necessarily relates to the pillars we are supposed to be exploring, the self-reflexive exercises are hardly formative or thought provoking, and it seems like hardly anything new that people do not already know is being shared or explored throughout the book, making it slightly dull in comparison to its competition out there.
While the book is straightforward, it lacks the compelling style that is essential for books of this nature, but some might prefer its directness and simplicity.
I recommend The 6 Pillars of Civility to anyone curios about where to start making changes in their everyday lives and who believes civility needs to be brought back into the world.