"Tears & Laughters" is a poetry collection by Ray R. F. These poems explore themes such as teen-depression, insecurities, and heartbreak.
"Tears & Laughters" is a poetry collection by Ray R. F. These poems explore themes such as teen-depression, insecurities, and heartbreak.
The stained-glass door was cold upon the touch of her bare hands. She could still feel the taste of vomit down her throat, but that was to be expected after expelling half of her fluids down the toilet. She knew she shouldnât be doing that. She had been working so hard to not do that. But who could ever say no when a gorgeous Australian god-like man invited you to the party of the century?
Truth be told, it didnât feel like a party at all. At least not the ones she was used to. But somehow, she always ended up in raves like this one. She craved them. The sweat, the taste, the music, the lights, and the warm bodies dancing next to her.
Kneeling in front of the toilet, she could still see the silhouettes of the people on the other side of the door. But they all seemed so foreign.
Why canât I be normal? she thought, unsure of whether it was silent or aloud. Who cared anyway, as she was alone in the bathroom. Still feeling nauseous, she rose to her feet and tried to open the door. It didnât move. She didnât give too much thought as to why the door didnât even budge. She was the epitome of weakness each time she had to expel the bile from her system due to excess alcohol.
She pushed the door again, yet she was still unable to open it. Anger was starting to kick through her veins. But she couldnât lose control. Not when the out-of-her-league boy was waiting outside. She then wondered -albeit briefly- if it would be okay to kiss him. Perhaps not, she decided, savoring the remnants of the taste of her fluids.
She took a deep breath, only for the waves of nausea to rush back in. Outside, the air was thick with the sweet smell of the smoke machine. Inside, however, that smell was gone and was substituted by the slithering smell of urine and rotten muck. She then ran back to the toilet to vomit again. Screw you, college parties! she thought and crumbled, knee first, next to the toilet.
That was when she felt it. A cold and somewhat soft mass next to her. She opened her eyes and turned around, unprepared for the discovery she was about to make.
Right there, next to her feet, she could see herself. Her body was cold and unresponsive. What the hell? she murmured. She tried to wake herself up, but nothing happened. âThis was bound to happen eventually,â a voice said from the other side of the stall. âYou knew it. I knew it.â
She hesitantly stepped outside the stall to see a slender figure beside the sink. The other girl was fixing her makeup, and while she looked the other way, she knew who it was. Her voice, her clothes. It was pretty obvious.
âWhat are you doing here?â she asked, her voice a dying murmur. The other girl turned around. It was her.
âIâm doing what I always do,â she said. âIâm taking over, bitch.â
The other girl stepped away and pressed the button that unlocked the door. Then, with a smile on her face, she turned around and locked the door.
She screamed as she ran towards the door and pressed the button to unlock it. The door refused as if it was mocking her. She screamed again, and again, and again. Outside, the other girl found the god-like boy, and together they laughed at the dead girl left behind.
Tears and Laughters opens with a short story that the author shares from their college days. It caught me off guard at first because I thought it might be broken up throughout in pieces, separated by poems. That isn't the case, but I think the short story does give the reader an idea as to why the author reflects on and describes the author's past flames as they do in many of the poems that follow.
As I was reading, I felt a mix of emotions from chapter to chapter. In "The Colors of the Moon" chapter, I felt contemplative due to all of the metaphors. The lines "Through the mud and dirt, you lulled me. You said it was fate that I hung into the river," sound like a tumultuous relationship. Within the same poem, it also sounds like there was regret on the author's end that they silenced the angel on their shoulder.
There's a versatility to some of the poems that they can be read from different perspectives or tone shifts. At certain points, I imagined a man conveying these feelings, but most of the time I imagined it was a woman. For example, in the chapter titled "The End", I imagined a man watching his love from afar and narrating his near obsession. The emphasis of this poem is how boring and pointless life feels with the absence of this other person's presence and love. Though I haven't felt to that extreme, I can imagine what that feels like when a break up is still fresh.
Though many of these poems clearly put the author on the side of either unrequited or loving way more than the person who they're yearning for, there are many other moments where they're quite relatable in their infatuation. However, just as the title implies, there are tears and laughs blended throughout. It's neither too depressing nor too sugary sweet.