Life, as they say, is not a bed of roses.
This is the true story of Monika, who went from having children to facing tumors in her womb. The physician's carelessness brought further problems, leaving fluid undrained for too long after the surgery. Life became a roller-coaster ride as Monika fought through it all. She developed sepsis, with only a five percent chance of survival, and lost her twins and womb, yet she endured.
Before her surgery, the father of her babies abandoned her, depriving her of emotional support. In the aftermath, Monika struggled to pick up the pieces and move forward. Love came her way, but the inability to have children caused significant sadness, and her marriage also ended in divorce.
Monika embarked on a worldwide journey, exploring new sights, meeting people, and undergoing a religious conversion. Her life went through turbulence, but she found solace in her closeness to God. She learned to stop punishing herself for misfortunes and accept life as it is. This book portrays the author's resilience, compiled to uplift readers during difficult times. It is a heartfelt narrative of overcoming adversities.
Life, as they say, is not a bed of roses.
This is the true story of Monika, who went from having children to facing tumors in her womb. The physician's carelessness brought further problems, leaving fluid undrained for too long after the surgery. Life became a roller-coaster ride as Monika fought through it all. She developed sepsis, with only a five percent chance of survival, and lost her twins and womb, yet she endured.
Before her surgery, the father of her babies abandoned her, depriving her of emotional support. In the aftermath, Monika struggled to pick up the pieces and move forward. Love came her way, but the inability to have children caused significant sadness, and her marriage also ended in divorce.
Monika embarked on a worldwide journey, exploring new sights, meeting people, and undergoing a religious conversion. Her life went through turbulence, but she found solace in her closeness to God. She learned to stop punishing herself for misfortunes and accept life as it is. This book portrays the author's resilience, compiled to uplift readers during difficult times. It is a heartfelt narrative of overcoming adversities.
Resilience is the conscious choice to experience the full spectrum of human emotions, not be consumed by them, and thrive despite them.
By Christine E. Agaibi
Introduction
In reality, people can develop resilience within themselves. Negative events can be viewed realistically by being resilient, not placing blame or dwelling on unchangeable facts. In essence, adversities should not be seen as unmanageable; instead, they should be tackled by thinking differently and looking for helpful modifications. A good strategy to escape a depressed or negative frame of mind is to concentrate on the amazing things you are capable of.
The capacity to control oneâs emotions amid a crisis is a sign of resilience. This is not to say that those who are resilient donât feel intense emotions like fear, grief, or rage. It indicates that they understand those emotions are fleeting and can be controlled till they are bearable. Self-love in general, including the qualities of self-acceptance and self-compassion, is a sign of resilience. Resilient people frequently have empathy for themselves, especially in trying circumstances.
Resilience simply involves possessing a strong sense of control and the conviction that their actions can influence how things turn out. A resilient one sees himself or herself as a survivor. They become aware of how they can endure hard situations. The capacity to control oneâs emotions, a sense of certainty and control, efficient coping mechanisms, and the ability to call upon social support when required are all indications of resilience.
Part 1: Perilous Times
Becoming a Mother
Embarking on the journey of motherhood comes with a myriad of feelings and emotions, it can be mentally, psychologically, and physically tasking; in order words, it takes a whole lot. In preparing to become a mother, a host of internal questions are raised, and you ask yourself: Am I fit to be a mom? Do I have any underlying health condition that might prevent me from conceiving and carrying my child to term? What kind of delivery will I have? Will it be a cesarean birth or a normal delivery? Am I going to make a good mom? You may even go as far as scheduling a visit to the gynecologist as regards your reproductive and sexual health in anticipation of the baby so that when he or she comes, you will be whole to receive him or herâthis was my case.
I have always loved children and looked forward to having mine, I feel children are special, Godâs gift. Children are capable of having unconditional love for their parents, especially their mothers, overlooking any imperfections in their motherâs personality. This zeal and desire prompted my visit to the doctors to ascertain my overall medical well-being, though my partner, now ex, we were together for five years and I didnât exactly plan to have one at that particular time. It was a decision of mine to go for a full body checkup so that when the baby comes there will not be any surprises, little did I know that there was one major surprise coming my way.
On this checkup, it was discovered that I have some tumor, myoma in my wombâa myoma (also known as a uterine fibroid or a leiomyoma) is a common noncancerous tumor that grows in or around the uterus, treatment for this can include medication, surgery, or other medical procedures. The doctor counseled me; told me not to worry, that uterine fibroids are usually not dangerous, I just needed to undergo surgery to remove it and then rest for six months, after which, if I am still interested in trying for a baby, we can try out the baby project once more.
The surgery was conducted, and it was a very smooth operation, I was hospitalized for like one week and discharged afterward. The doctor prescribed some medicines to hasten the healing process and to make my womb stronger so that we could try for a baby; although we still had not planned for one, we just believed that there is no need to pressurize ourselves. If a baby comes, fine; if not, fine also. Nevertheless, I still wanted one and by the grace of God, I got pregnant. I was super elated by the news, that moment of discovery was one of the most joyous seconds of my life. The fact that I was able to conceive as I so wished and desired after the abdominal operation which was my first operation, by the way, was a miracle for me. I considered it my biggest blessing, and even if my romantic relationship wasnât the best, the pregnancy result was the best news ever. It brought enormous joy to my life.
My partner had the opposite reaction, he was not that excited about the news, and he began to distance himself from me and the relationship but it still didnât diminish my joy and happiness at being pregnant. As the pregnancy progressed, my body started adjusting and showing that I am expecting a baby with the whole morning sickness, nausea, gaining weight, etcetera. I didnât feel less of myself, rather, I felt whole and more beautiful. I was practically radiant and glowing; it was completely perfect. I was scheduled for an ultrasound at some point during the pregnancy and my parents were the ones that took me to the hospital, considering that we had to go to a bigger city for an ultrasound as I couldnât have it done in the small town where I am from.
Throughout my pregnancy journey, my family and I made jokes regarding the sex of the baby and if the baby will have my personality. Pregnancy was a really fun experience. I can recall one of my appointments; The father of my baby was absent and my mom was with me at the hospital to offer support. When the examination started and the doctor told me to look at the screen of the monitor, calling my attention to the fact there are two heartbeatsâ you can imagine the shock I felt. I could not process the information in real time and had to tell the doctor to recapitulate and he did.
He said, âthere are two heartbeats, Monika, you didnât know you are carrying twins?â
My mom and I looked at each other excitedly and burst into laughter after we had overcome the initial shock. The doctor also confirmed the sex of the babies to be female, and that they were fine and coping well in my belly. I could not react; I was so shocked and happy. My head was above the cloud. It was just incredible. Reminiscing, I would say that it was the most beautiful and perfect day of my life. My dadâs reaction to the news of the babies was priceless, he just couldnât believe that I am having twins; twin girls. He went on to predict that might probably have my kind of sturdy personality. My dad had always insisted I was very stubborn, but I wonât be his baby girl if I was not. He was being sweet.
I was scheduled for another ultrasound further down the pregnancy and during the activity, the doctor discovered that the head of one of my babies was too close to the wall and the presence of some bloody fluid. Hence, my babies were too big in my womb, and it will not be safe to carry them. He immediately halted the scan and ordered some small operation to be conducted. This was done on the first of December; I was in the hospital throughout December and was allowed to go home on New Yearâs Eve on the condition that I will continue with bed rest.
It happened that on the morning of the first day of the new year; the first of January, I got up to use the restroom as usual only to discover some blood and water coming out of my vagina, followed by this excruciating pain. It was the worst day of my life. I was so scared at seeing the blood, I knew something was wrong and the tears and panic came. I called my mom to the restroom and my family immediately rushed me to the hospital.
At the hospital, I was placed on a bed with my legs in position, ready to be checked up. However, the doctors could not do so as one of my babies was stuck in a not-so-good position. My babies were also in danger due to the lack of oxygen. I was then referred to a bigger hospital outside my hometown as the one I was currently in is quite small and could not handle my case. They placed me in an emergency car; the weather was so cold; the road was so icy. There was no doctor in the car with me, and I was in so much pain and felt extremely cold.
When we arrived at the big hospital, I was immediately rushed to the emergency unit. The medical team was very many and they kept asking me to tell them two female names and two male names, just in case my babies turned out to be males, or one of them did. Given the amount of pain I was in at the moment, I informed the nurses that the names were not the most important thing at present, the pain I was feeling was much more important and needs to be alleviated ASAP!
Nonetheless, I gave them the names as requested: Aisa and Nadine for girls; Hakeem and Moses for boys. Giving a name to your child must be a thoughtful decision process and for me, the meaning was very important. On the other hand, most people have a vague idea of what their name means, and even few give the art of naming much thought. In my opinion, the meaning of a name should be considered in addition to its beauty or sound.
All I remembered before I was taken to a room was an oxygen mask that was put on me, also, I recall seeing them apply this reddish-orange cream on my belly before cutting it open. When I woke up, still in so much pain, I was informed that one of my little girls -Nadine- had died. She had been stagnant for a long time without oxygen which led to so much time spent on bringing out Aisa. My baby, Aisa, was placed in an incubator for two days while I was still stuck in a wheelchair as I had a very big cut. I was cut two ways because of the babies that were stuck in my womb.
On the second day, I asked one of the nurses to push me to see my baby. Aisa was so beautiful and perfect, lying there so peacefully, I wanted to touch her to confirm that she was there. She was my everything but I could not touch her which made me feel so bad. On a different day, in my hospital room, a nurse came in. The timing was not just right as I knew the time for food and routine medical follow-up. The nurse looked at me and everything stopped for a moment, I had this premonition that the nurse was about to deliver very bad and devastating news.
The nurse expressed her regret at having to deliver the tragic newsâAisa was dead. She had died due to oxygen complications, just simply gave up. My baby needed me more than ever, but I was never even allowed to hold her in my arms. I still donât get why anyone would not let me touch her even after sheâd died. The nurse tried her best to console and comfort me but I was inconsolable at the moment. I lost my beautiful daughters. The doctor tried to explain to me that because of the oxygen loss, their brains were not functioning well which led to their ultimate demise.
Going through the pregnancy alone without the comforting presence of my partner, coupled with the untimely death of my twin daughtersâAisa and Nadineâwas a real breaking point in my life, I was completely shattered, and had an emotional breakdown. I became a shadow of my original self. I always lived as a confident, creative, strong woman with a pinch of stubbornness.
I used to be someone who always stood up for herself in any scenario. I had always considered myself a fighter, but sadly, the passion to fight was no longer in me. I was thirty, small in stature, with a big heart and mouth, and was never afraid of challenges, hardships, or changes that I have always needed to face. I faced them head-on. Even when things caught me unawares and I was not prepared to deal with such change, I always make myself ready. I saw myself as unique. Hence, it was sad to admit that I have been broken.
I suppose you could also say I was fun to be with most of the time for I lived a very active social life regardless of my job then; I always strived to make out time for sociable engagements and activities. And, at all times, had lots of people around me; friends, strangers, etcetera. Before my operation, I never felt alone at any point in time. Every part of my life was thoroughly enjoyed to its full capacity, there was always this certainty regarding what was next for me and how it can be achieved. Life was super beautiful, I was happy, a free spirit, and very close to God.
As the saying goes, life happened. All the tragedies that ensued broke me into pieces that I could not even pick my crushed self together. I felt lost and alone, roaming through life without a specific direction. No focus, no aim. I couldnât put my thoughts together anymore, my self-confidence became nonexistent, I did not feel poised enough anymore nor did I feel creative. My creativity had entirely vanished, and I was left blank. I didnât feel smart or strong or whatever I believed I was before the misfortune struck. Whoever I was before, was all gone. My next course of action was unknown to me and I couldnât even begin to wrap my mind around what step to take next. I was completely broken, and there are no words to describe exactly how I felt.
My vision changed radically, I started to have a different perspective of everything around me and especially about myself, I experienced something different and saw myself as an outsiderâyou know, like a third person. I felt so ashamed which didnât make sense because the loss of my babies was no fault of mine but I just could not shake away that feeling. Standing up for myself became a challenge, in my broken, helpless, useless and unworthy state, I took and swallowed whatever people said to me because, in my subconscious mind, I blamed myself for the incident and found it extremely difficult to forgive myself.
Surprisingly, whenever I looked into the mirror, the person I saw differed completely from the broken human being I had become, the mirror gave me something special in return. It reflected not even the strong old me but a stronger and more beautiful version of myself. I began to feel a tad hopeful, that all was not lost once I still have life in me. The only thing that remained constant during those difficult times was my faith in God, whose mighty hand helped me get through. I genuinely felt like I could start over, with His incredible power guiding me, I could begin anew.
Accordingly, I picked up the pieces of my life and decided that since I fervently still desired to have a child, I needed to put myself together in case life gives me another opportunity to have another relationship and baby. In addition to losing my babies, I had previously been subjected to trauma; physical and emotional abuse. Therefore, I would like to emphasize herein that learning how to defend yourself would be an excellent idea in a situation of abuse and domestic violence because keeping oneself safe is vital. You can accomplish this by having a solid support system of family and friends. They can help with stress management and prevent unwelcome circumstances, also teach you to stay calm and be honest with people about how you are feeling and what you need from them. Hence, I needed to be healthy and prepared if I wanted to start afresh.
First, I went for a thorough medical examination. The decision to go for this examination was partly influenced by some irregularities I noticed with my monthly cycle. After the checkup, I learned again that I have more tumorsâbigger ones, one of them was like a baby head, and there were eleven of them in my wombâfor which I needed to undergo another surgery for their removal. Since I already had some operations done on my belly in the not-too-distant past, the walls of my uterus were weak and sensitive as a result. This new surgery required extreme care in its execution, although, it was supposed to be simple and not necessarily dangerous. It was also quite shocking to discover that I had all these additional issues because I felt no pain whatsoever, just the abnormally heavy blood flow in my period which could sometimes last up to ten or eleven days.
Feeling resigned to my fate, I decided to have the surgery. I had already tasted immense pain when I lost my twin babies, âletâs just get this over and done withâwas my reaction. The operation went well but on the fourth day after the surgical procedure, I felt a certain way. I was not in pain but I felt full of water and had a fever. There was a drain from my belly, I did not know where the blood escaped from, my head and hand were so big, and there was water under my eyes. I was so puffed. This made people scared of me. I couldnât breathe properly and ended up losing consciousness because of dizziness. I do not remember what transpired after that except what I was told by my parents and the doctor. I had essentially been on the verge of death.
My folks informed me that there had been to be put on oxygen right away and that a big operation was imminent. This particular surgery was a result of the doctorâs negligence. The drain in my belly was supposed to have been removed on the second day after the operation but he left them there till day four and the belly muscle on the right side was practically rotten. I was moved to a much bigger hospital for additional examination and treatment where I was subjected to millions of checkups. I looked like an alien, my body parts were doubled and my complexion turned yellow. The review of my lungs showed that there were lots of water in them, hence, the difficulty in breathing. Also, my kidneys and liver were bigger, I was barely hanging on.
An ultrasound showed that my womb was collapsed, and I had developed Sepsis. It turned out that my blood was already poisoned, I had Sepsis. The simple definition is that Sepsis is the bodyâs extreme response to an infection. It is a life-threatening medical emergency. It occurs when an existing infection sets off a chain reaction throughout your body. Infections that lead to sepsis most often start in the lung, urinary tract, skin, or gastrointestinal tract. Without timely treatment, sepsis can rapidly lead to tissue damage, organ failure, and death.
Consequently, I had three and half-hour lifesaving emergency operation which had a five percent survival rate. I was in an awake coma for the first weekâthis is a vegetative condition (also known as unresponsive wakefulness syndrome). When a person is awake but shows no signs of awareness. It is quite different from a coma, in which the person is completely unconscious.
My knowledge of what had transpired was gained from my parents, friends, doctors, and nurses. I was kept in a separate room and was not allowed to receive any kind of visitor. My skin was completely different, it had dried up and my parents were told to stay back in the hospital to prepare themselves mentally for a situation whereby I couldnât make it. It was horrible hearing all these from my parents. They went through immense pain and agony watching me in that state and were completely devastated. My dad reportedly cried a fair amount, according to what I heard. My mother, meanwhile, cried out of control. The whole event from my first operation, pregnancy, and giving birth to babies who eventually died, to my present condition, and finally telling my parents, particularly my mother, that there was a âninety-five percentâ chance she would lose her daughter⌠it left her completely devastated.
My family and I went through varying degrees of pain. They too, went through hell watching me suffer whilst knowing that I am most likely to die from it. Therefore, I will be forever grateful to my parents and brother too, for what they endured was incredible. It was a scenario where a parent came dangerously near to losing their child, and ironically, the child lost hers while fighting for her life. Similar to how I had lost my children, my mother was on the edge of losing me. I have no words to express my gratitude to my family, what they did for me was immeasurable. I spent about twenty-nine days in the hospital, my blood was changed as it was already poisoned. This time around, I got four drains in my belly (two on my right and the other two on my left).
After the first week, I regained full consciousness and began to know and understand what was going on in me and around me, I received injections three times a day to my belly as part of the treatment procedures, and my belly became blueish as a result of the many injections to the extent that the medical persons didnât know where to give anymore. My hospital room featured the normal white hospital bedding and walls. It also had the typical hospital atmosphere. All I wanted was to look out the window and see the life I almost abandoned, but I was confined to my bed, so I couldnât completely enjoy my good fortune.
The pain from everything, physical, emotional, and psychological, was something else entirely. The whole of it, including the belly injections, changing the blood, infusion, the drain, everything⌠I was exhausted and so much in pain. I felt like I couldnât bear it any longer. I vaguely remember advising the nurse who arrived to deliver some drugs to cut back on the injections, that the pain was too much but she told me, âMonika, please keep it up, donât give up, we canât reduce these injections, you need this them, there were a lot of people that went through a situation like yours that didnât survive.â
It was the day that I said, âdo whatever it takes to keep me alive.â With the nurseâs words changing everything and giving me a fresh viewpoint, I felt stronger. The fact that I was one of the very few people in the world to have survived was a wonder. Meanwhile, the medical team continued with the injections and medications. While I was in an awake coma condition, the doctor who made the first error frequently checked on me. It felt like a win when I was finally discharged from the hospital after a twenty-nine-day stay, and indeed, it was.
Monika Saliu has not lived the easiest life. As a young woman in a long-term relationship, Saliu longed for a child and wanted to ensure that her health was at a premium ready to receive such a gift. Diagnosed with intimate tumors, life took a devastating turn when physician negligence exacerbated the condition. Sepsis, decreased risk of survival, the loss of twins, the abandonment of a partner, and the breakdown of her marriage followed in quick succession. Yet Saliu prevailed. Resilience is the true story of a brave womanâs internal struggle for survival from the survivor herself.
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The book opens with a short introduction of three paragraphs. The fact that some form of the title appears no less than nine times does feel a bit overkill, almost like there is a need to cram the SEO term in for search engine ranking purposes. However, once past this section the language takes on a more natural, honest, and cohesive flow.
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Told over three parts, the book is divided into six chapters. Part One can be summed up as pain. It provides the background of falling pregnant, discovering the tumors, and the negligence that almost caused unnecessary death. It tells of the excruciating pain of the physical recovery as well as the emotional pain loved ones had to endure not knowing how the situation would prevail. It also deals with the pain of falling in love, being rejected, and a swift overview of a marriage culminating in a rapid divorce. However, Saliu delivers her account with strength and optimism, looking at it in hindsight and appreciating the fact that she was chosen to survive.
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Part Two is given over to the healing process. It takes the reader back to a more intimate look at Saliuâs relationship with her childrenâs father, an unlikely relationship with an inmate sentenced for 35 years following an escape (the original crime is not mentioned) and the deep-rooted relationship now found with Allah since her conversion to Islam.
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Finally, Part Three, the shortest section, is an extension of the healing process and a welcoming of the present state. This section talks of Saliuâs hopes and realities, whilst conveying her general acceptance of how her life had panned out this way because it was willed.
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The book carries deeply spiritual optimism. Faith is a large factor that encourages the resilience the author has come to speak of. It is also the reason she is able to forgive all the heartache she endured at the extent of doctors and lovers.
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Although the conversational tone of the book reads as though Saliu is speaking directly to the reader, particularly when she uses colloquial terms like, âlikeâ e.g., â...I think I visited like twenty-six to twenty-seven placesâŚâ it could also be quite irksome. The author comes from a Hungarian background, thus reading in English there are clearly some grammatical issues and odd sentence arrangements. This does not detract from the meaning being presented but does suggest that an editorial eye might be cast over the text to remove some inconsistencies for âWesternâ readers.
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The book is appealing to optimists and followers of faith needing a reminder that life often comes with hardships to endure and conquer. It serves as a tome of passion and strength to guide you through your own difficult times when they become burdensome. Through her experiences, Saliu is humbled by what she has been through and uses her story to impart words of wisdom to those in doubt through her own words, the words of the Quran and famous figures such as Mandela and Coelho. Though not a book for anyone at any time, it is a short story that will bring light to someone at the right time when they are stuck in the depths of a dark day.