Have you experienced a spiritual awakening only to feel more isolated and alone? Are you yearning for a template to tell you what to do next? Life isn’t a one-size-fits-all proposition, so this can make it hard to figure things out! Reflections: A Journal of Self Discovery addresses both of those issues and puts you in the driver’s seat of your life by helping you know yourself, love yourself, be yourself, and share yourself with confidence! Reflections: A Journal of Self-Discovery uses your life experiences to help you see what's real and extract the juice from every adventure. You'll gain wisdom to fix the less than stellar parts. You will also feel more alive and in control so your life becomes more meaningful.
If Claude Debussy is right when he said, “Music is the space between the notes,” then spirituality is the space between the “All That Is.”
I love that so many are turning to spirituality to experience that “is-ness.” Some will plant medicine rituals, adopt an ancestor reverence practice, engage in rituals, or take classes. What no one will tell you, though, is that the space between the “All That Is” isn’t there. It’s inside.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the connected bliss that you seek starts with you. Not your ancestors, not in Nature, not in community, but with you. You are the secret sauce that creates the glorious doorway between a life of connection and meaning, and perhaps dying without living.
If you keep all your yummy goodness inside, you not only deprive yourself of a passionate, vibrant life, your unique light doesn’t get to bless others either. So, it’s essential to get to know who you are, face your fears, and cultivate the courage to engage with life.
Americans spent 10 billion dollars on self-help in 2016. Clearly, we feel that something is missing, and we’re willing to invest big bucks to have a life of meaning. Who doesn’t want to get to their last day feeling deeply connected, loved well, and like they made a difference? Of course, we all do. Reflections: A Journal of Self-Discovery will help you to accomplish that by:
giving you practice in mindfulness to build present moment awareness,
putting you in the driver’s seat of your life so that you hold yourself accountable for your successes and misses. The more control you have, the easier it is for you to make your dreams come true,
helping you focus on your experiences rather than what is happening around you or to you,
allowing you to see when it’s time to move forward, pivot, or let go so that you don’t waste time or repeat mistakes,
arousing a passion for the little things that will build gratitude for the life you have,
creating satisfaction by living a life of values,
helping you to see the beautiful gift that you are so that you always show up with your true self,
tracking your results so you have concrete data about what brings you closer to others and what pushes you apart,
helping you to practice healthy boundaries between self and others so you can relate with confidence,
giving you a way to live in relationship with your feelings, thoughts, experiences, other people, and everything outside of yourself. You’ll start to see the connections.
Why are we looking only at you? Most importantly, because you are everything, and everything is you. Since all you have control over is you, this is the easiest way to bring your unique gifts into the world; to connect and make the changes that the world needs. “As within, so without.” The brighter your inner light shines, the more light there is in the world. It’s all connected.
Why are we looking at your experiences? Unfortunately, we can’t know ourselves directly. We can only see ourselves reflected back to us in other people and our surroundings. How we relate, how others respond to us, what we create, how we spend our time, and what we think about all reflect our light. It’s not the source of the light, but it hints at what is. That’s the buried treasure we’re looking for here!
Why are we looking at the past? We’re mining for the gold that paves our way forward. We want to do more of what worked and less of what didn’t. We can’t do that if that information is hidden from us. So, it’s a way of waking up to what’s available and expanding beyond our previous boundaries.
It won’t happen over a weekend, and it may not be easy. Like animism, it requires skin in the game. You will be required to get out of your comfort zone, be vulnerable, make space for what’s important (you), walk into the Darkness, and take responsibility. But, if you are willing to do the work, you will discover your own badass magic in your self, Nature, and the Spirit world and know how unbelievably connected and supported you are in this journey of life.
How to Do It?
Here’s the really cool part! A holistic spiritual path let’s you engage with life as it is. You don’t have to do anything special or different to get started. Just examine the life you’re living.
We’re going to use your life as a mirror to see where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going. You are the center of it all! As you become more skilled at being present and aware, you’ll make more conscious choices and enjoy the experience of being you and engaging with the world a lot more.
To begin, you’ll simply write about one experience in your journal. Each journal entry focuses on one moment at a time so that you don’t get lost in the kitchen sink and can savor each experience - whether desirable or undesirable. Let yourself be there. This is the experiential, feminine part of the process.
We will then analyze it to marry it with the masculine, logical part to make our experience more whole. In this way, we can have a clearer view of it, to appreciate it for all it has to teach. The masculine part is here to give you structure and to keep things moving forward. Because of this, it may be tempting to approach this as work or an assignment.
May I suggest letting your feminine intuition lead? Why? Let me tell you a secret. The feminine intelligence (and men have this too) already has the answer. The masculine side is there to put it into words so that your inner self can speak to your outer self. When we give both of these parts of ourselves the freedom and space to speak, it’s positively astounding how insightful we can become. So, go gently.
Let’s look at each prompt one by one now.
Non-judgmentally describe one experience
Start by recalling one experience that you want to revisit. “One” experience can be one day or a moment within a day. It can be something that happened yesterday or ten years ago. It doesn’t matter when it was. It could be an insignificant thing or something that changed your whole life.
Once you’ve chosen your moment, let yourself linger over the sights, sounds, thoughts, feelings, tastes, or smells of that experience to bring it back in vivid detail. Give yourself a few moments to really recall it. If you stick to first-person present tense, this will help you deeply relive that moment.
Now, break it down to the key points of what you saw, smelled, tasted, felt, heard, thought, or did. We’ll only focus on you and your experiences.
Remember to keep it non-judgmental. Words like male, green, and empty are non-judgmental. Words like ugly, mean, and nasty are judgmental. Judgments aren’t only adjectives, though. Nouns like whore, Spic, and geek are judgments, too, so choose your words carefully.
Be careful not to sugarcoat things or catastrophize. Even the most devastating experiences can have a silver lining and teach you something valuable. So, don’t shy away from them. Write it as if you want everyone of all ages and cultures to have the same mental picture from your words. This will help you to step out of your programming and patterns and see things fresh.
We want the experience to be objective so that you can be your own mirror. If you think the way you always think, you will see the things you’ve always seen. Practicing it this way gives you a different perspective so that you can grow beyond your current awareness.
The better job you do at including key points, keeping it focused on sensory details, and being a non-judgmental reporter, the easier it will be to spot hidden secrets. Don’t spend too much time on technique or thinking, though. The important thing is to start and let your thoughts flow. You will get better at this with practice.
Let’s look at some examples of what “Non-judgmentally describe” looks like.
“He is angry.” – This doesn’t work because it’s an assumption. We can only speak to our own experience. Maybe he isn’t angry. We can say that his face is red, and he is speaking loudly and forcefully. Those are observable details that anyone watching could report.
“I don’t know what I am going to do next.” – This is okay. It is your own experience. More sensory detail might enhance the usefulness of your observation. For example, “My mind feels cloudy. My thoughts are racing, and I don’t know what I am going to do next.”
“I’m so stupid.” – This is a judgment. It would be more useful to describe the behavior and perhaps the outcome. For example, “I blurt out my response before thinking, and feel embarrassed when she says I hurt her feelings.”
“Everybody’s out to get me.” – This is an assumption. It also doesn’t speak to your experience. Something like, “It feels like everyone is out to get me” or “Twice I met the objectives, but I overlooked for promotions” could be more useful.
This first step is a doozy! Everything depends on how well you can observe and non-judgmentally describe your experiences. If your observations are steeped in fear, guilt, blame, or shame, what comes next will be distorted. If they are too superficial or kind, you may miss the opportunities for growth.
If practicing mindfulness proves challenging, be sure to check out my online course at http://pansociety.org, where every step in this journal is explored in detail. You’ll get lots of practice with seeing yourself and the world through a mindful lens.
Title Your Entry
Now that you know what you’re writing about give this entry a title. Don’t overthink it. Just write down the first thing that comes to your mind. Sometimes the title provides a lot of insight that you can use later to see hidden gems.
Check the boxes to indicate whether you were sovereign, authentic, or connected. You may be one, two, all three, or none.
“Sovereign” means that you are standing in your power. Your decisions are your own. You are showing up fully. You make choices and take responsibility for those choices.
“Authentic” means that you are reflecting your true self. You’re not doing what you think you are supposed to or what someone has told you. You’re doing what your heart says is true.
“Connected” means that you are aware of anyone or anything that is impacted by this experience. You feel a sense of belonging, bond, or relationship to that person or thing.
Life is a balance between me and we. If we don’t show up, we can feel invisible, small, or inconsequential. So, you want to do what you can to be sovereign and authentic.
At the same time, we also want to belong, care for others, and be cared for in return. Yet, if we give too much, we can feel resentful, tired, separated, or used. The trick is to be ourselves while allowing others to be themselves as we relate from a space of authenticity and acceptance. This feedback can let you know how you are doing in this area.
Values that were/were not present
Our values are the things we believe are most important. If you aren’t sure what your values are or aren’t living in alignment with your values, it will be hard to have a worthwhile life. You may move through life with doubt, unhappiness, and anxiety and not know why.
Values act as our steering wheel. They guide your choices, help you get and stay clear, and know who you are.
There is a list of values in the appendix. Circle the ones that are the most important to you. Use this list as a guide to fill in which of your values showed up in the situation that you journaled about and which ones didn’t show up. Feel free to add others that are not on the list if they are important to you.
Each step in the process can validate that you made effective choices (or not) and work as a cross-check so that you can’t lie to yourself or stay in a blind spot. So, be as honest and transparent as you can. Only you will see this, so give it all you’ve got.
Emotional needs that were/were not met
All humans have the same six emotional needs; however, we all prioritize them differently. Here are the needs with their definitions.
Certainty - security, sameness, comfort, knowing that things are going to be okay, knowing that things won’t change, feeling that you can handle what happens, predictability, safety, reliability, avoiding pain
Uncertainty/variety/novelty - spontaneity, newness, change, adventure, the desire for aliveness
Significance - feeling important, feeling worthy, having titles or outward signs of importance, feeling like work is meaningful, being appreciated, having admiration, being distinguished from others
Connection/Love - feeling bonded to a person or thing, belonging, closeness, intimacy, to give and receive affection
Growth - expanding your life experience, learning, moving beyond your current understanding or limitations, becoming more
Contribution - giving something of value to someone or something
Knowing your most important emotional needs is useful because it can help you to live with more purpose. If you put the bulk of your time, energy, and resources into fulfilling your most important needs, you’ll probably be happier.
Why? Because our emotional needs point to why we do what we do. This is far more useful than looking for what to do. Here’s what I mean. Let’s say that you have your heart set on being a doctor, but it’s not particularly realistic given your financial situation and your grades. Is all lost?
Not really. If your reason for wanting to be a doctor is to contribute, there are 10,000 other ways to do that, and it would make you just as happy. If you are in a job that you don’t particularly like, and your most important emotional need is growth, can’t you find something to learn about that might make it more satisfying and interesting?
Trust me. Your ‘why’ is far more important than your ‘what.’ Most of us can tweak our lives to get our emotional needs met without making a lot of changes in our jobs, social lives, partners, environment, or family life. A change in attitude is what is required most often.
Not sure what your needs are? Not sure if you are using effective ways to meet your needs? Check out the appendix for more information about our emotional needs.
I want ___ more/___ fewer experiences like this. Check the appropriate box.
Writing is a powerful self-expression and self-realization tool. Acknowledging that you either desire or don’t desire something can help you hold yourself accountable for doing more of what you want and less of what you don’t. When it’s in black and white, it becomes undeniable. It helps to say these things out loud or put them on paper.
Now that you know which direction to steer your future, what resources, skills, actions, or help do you need to achieve this goal?
This is the only step that requires brainstorming. Here, we put into words what we can do to create the changes we want to make. If we have a plan, we are more likely to move into action. You may not know what you need. If not, that’s okay.
I am…
… Amazing, of course! What we want to capture here is the archetypal energy that you displayed in the event you wrote about. What energy or energies were in play?
Not too in tune with archetypes? No worries. Go to the appendix and use the archetype cheat sheet. Find the energy you were channeling in that experience. There may be more than one. There are no good or bad archetypes. If you use the right energy at the right time in the right way, you will move in an effective direction. It’s a lot like knowing which tool to use in a toolbox. It’s easier to drive a nail with a hammer than a screwdriver, right?
Remember to keep it honest and non-judgmental. We’re just after information. It’s not about beating yourself up. However, if it’s time to take a bow, do take credit where it is due.
Notice if any patterns emerge. If you tend to favor an archetype, see if you are using that energy wisely. All archetypes have positive motivations. If you’re using the shadow energy, is there a way to meet the same need in a healthier way? Do you feel that this energy reflects your true self?
If you are not sure how to meet your needs, the archetypes can help with that too. Just embody the archetype who knows how to achieve your ends the next time you encounter something they can help with. For example, the healthy Warrior knows how to fight to win but doesn’t annihilate or oppress. The healthy Healer knows how to help without giving to get something or becoming manipulative.
And don’t worry. If you feel like you’re not wise, bold, or strong enough to embody certain archetypes, rest assured. The archetypes are universal energies. Everyone can access all of them. They don’t just belong to some people. They belong to all of us. You can do this.
I’m grateful for
Every experience has something beautiful in it. Sometimes we have to zoom out. Sometimes all we can do is look at the things that could have been worse. Or maybe we see the tiny things that get overlooked. We don’t have to have peak experiences to have a full heart. When we can enjoy the little things, every moment is poetry. Life becomes a miracle to be appreciated where even the dark spots become meaningful. So, let’s find more gratitude in the little things.
Here are some examples of things that can inspire gratitude to get you started.
My dog
I have a job.
I’m not in high school anymore.
I’m 3/4 of the way to graduation.
This relationship is over.
I am healthy.
For the way that the dew looks on the grass in the morning
The smell of coffee on a weekend morning
Once you identify your gratitude moment, feel your heart swell with gratitude. This is not something you just say. Let your whole self feel it. This is not an intellectual exercise but a holistic one. We want to think, feel, and experience every step.
So, find the blessing in the moment that you are focusing on and breathe life into that.
I learned/realized:
All of life is a teacher. Dandelions can teach us about making wishes. The Moon can show us about change or navigating through the darkness. There are lessons in pain, a summer day, breaking a leg, or missing a train. See what you can glean from this experience. What would your wise self say to your present-day self about this experience? Can you hear the voice of the Universe speaking to you through this experience?
If you can’t see anything that you can learn from your experience, perhaps you are too close to the situation or have some blind spots. That’s okay. Let it percolate. Feel your feelings. Do a few more journal entries, and then come back to it. See if your perspective shifts.
This could take days, months, years, or the rest of your life. Don’t worry. It will happen when it happens. Sometimes things have layers. We may need to feel the sad, angry, hurt, desperate, lonely, or hopeless side of something before we see the blessings. Maybe we need to stop withholding love or just let go. Sometimes we need to experience the other side of an event to get the whole picture. If an experience isn’t quite finished, it may be hard to see the lessons in it.
Trauma can also keep you from seeing the growth and learning that are available in your life experiences. Trauma is a nervous system response that happens to keep you safe. Unfortunately, where there is trauma, the protective mechanism gets stuck in the “on” position. The body continues to respond to danger when there isn’t any. It makes a tiger out of a mouse. If you’re getting that feedback from your journal entries, consider seeing a trauma therapist. This journal will be more useful when your body and brain are back on track.
Before we look at some examples, know that you can do this your way. You don’t have to write in complete sentences. You don’t have to write at all. If it’s easier to draw pictures, do that! Art is a right-brain process that can recover different data than writing, so feel free to do both if that feels right.
If some of the prompts don’t speak to you, use the ones that do. It’s not meant to be an intellectual exercise but a deepening of the experience that you are revisiting. It’s a doorway to get to know yourself better and increase your connection. Use what works to make that happen, tweak to make it more relevant to you, and forget about the rest. Do remember, though, that there are checks and balances built-in. So, if you skip some steps, some things may fall through the cracks.
If you’re not sure what to write about, think about the things that made you feel something. This could be positive or negative. It could be yesterday or ten years ago. It could be something that used to bother you. Maybe it’s that thing that seems like nothing, but you haven’t been able to get out of your mind.
Be sure to include highlights and lowlights of your life so that you get a holistic view of your life. Perhaps you rotate and spend time on joy in one writing session, then discomfort the next. You may be surprised to find that how you do anything is how you do everything. If this works, keep doing it! If not, find better ways of working.
Now it’s time for some examples to get you started. Once you see it in action, it will flow more easily for you.
Example #1 - an interpersonal conflict
The Ruined Birthday
First the not-mindful version
I can’t believe how badly my birthday went. I had so much anticipation for a great weekend away. Then out of nowhere my boyfriend brought up the girl he knows makes me feel insecure because he was flirting with her when we started dating. Why did he have to do that? What was the point? Wasn’t it supposed to be my special day? When I asked him about it, he didn’t have a good answer. Like always he just clammed up. Then it got even worse because we weren't having fun, and I was crying on my birthday. Why was he thinking about her on my birthday? It makes me so mad. He ruined everything.
Non-judgmentally, describe one experience from your day.
It is my birthday. I have high expectations of a romantic day away at the beach. I want everything to be special, but it isn’t. My boyfriend brings up a girl with a fast reputation. He knows I feel insecure about her because he has lied about her in the past. I try to express that I want to feel special, and this isn’t making me feel special. I don’t want to hear about her. I cry and ask him why he brought her up. When he says he doesn’t know, I let him know how much it hurts and how he’s letting me down again. He stops talking altogether. I can feel the hostility between us. I just want to get out of here and be away from him, but we are so far from home. It doesn’t make sense to turn around and leave. I wanted to come here with him to enjoy the beauty. It’s all around us, but neither of us enjoys it. I can’t let it go. I sulk, and he’s distant. My birthday is not the way I hoped.
I was ☑︎ sovereign ☑︎ authentic ◻︎connected
Values that were present:
authenticity
Values that were not present:
kindness, understanding, connection, empathy, kindness, humor, effectiveness
Emotional needs that were met.
◻︎connection ◻︎ safety ◻︎ novelty ◻︎ significance ◻︎ growth ◻︎ contribution
Emotional needs that were not met.
☑︎connection ☑︎ safety ☑︎ novelty ☑︎ significance ☑︎ growth ☑︎ contribution
I want ◻︎ more ☑︎ fewer experiences like this.
What skills, resources, help, or action would make more/fewer experiences like this possible?
Calm communication, being clear about our expectations of each other, more honesty, listening to uncomfortable conversations, remembering the big picture – that we love each other, listening to understand. We keep talking about this issue, so, apparently, we have never resolved it.
I am:
The Destroyer - when I am hurt, I will scorch the Earth.
The Victim - I blame it all on him.
I’m grateful for:
My boyfriend. He understands a lot of what I’ve been through and doesn’t judge. I’m grateful that he’s still here and still willing to work on things.
I learned/realize:
This is little stuff. That girl doesn’t matter. Only we matter.
I don’t let go of things easily. I’m keeping score.
I don’t feel heard in this relationship.
I expect to be disappointed.
I use tears to get my way and then get upset when it doesn’t work.
I was not my best. My expectations may have been too high.
Example #2 - a conflict within myself
My Silent Self
Non-judgmentally, describe one experience from your day.
I am tired from a long day at work. I am not in a great mood and don’t want to talk. I don’t want to cook dinner, but I do. I feel like I gave everything I had to work and am now empty. My husband wants to have sex, and I think, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Can’t you see I am worn out?” Even though I don’t feel like it, I do it anyway because it is not his fault that I had a long day. I don’t want him to feel like anything is wrong. I hope I can shake it off and be present with him, but I don’t. I end up feeling resentful and numb inside.
I was ◻︎sovereign ◻︎ authentic ◻︎connected
Values that were present:
commitment, connection, duty, sacrifice, understanding
Values that were not present:
balance, fairness, honesty, passion, self-respect
Emotional needs that were met.
◻︎connection ◻︎ safety ◻︎ novelty ◻︎ significance ◻︎ growth ◻︎ contribution
Emotional needs that were not met.
☑︎connection ☑︎ safety ☑︎ novelty ☑︎ significance ☑︎ growth ☑︎ contribution
I want ◻︎ more ☑︎ fewer experiences like this.
What skills, resources, help, or action would make more/fewer experiences like this possible?
I need to be more honest. I could ask for time to decompress or just say no.
I am:
The Caregiver - I can give so much that I take away from myself.
I’m grateful for:
My husband. He’s a great guy. He’s understanding. We have a great family. He would understand if I just told him how I feel.
I learned/realize:
I don’t treat myself as well as I treat others. I deserve to have healthy boundaries, rest, and downtime, too.
Example #3 - a moment in Nature
Blissful Dawn
Non-judgmentally, describe one experience from your day.
It is my favorite time of day – morning – when the mist is rising off the river. There are streaks of gold beginning to come through the leaves, but it’s not yet strong enough to burn away the mist. I have only moments to enjoy the quiet before all the songbirds awaken and fill the air with their voices.
No one else is awake yet. A few hot coals remain in the fire pit. I am sure that if I stoke it and add some logs, it will blaze right up. I will do that in a moment and put a pot of coffee on. For right now, I am content to feel like the only one enjoying the solitude.
I was ☑︎ sovereign ☑︎ authentic ☑︎ connected
Values that were present:
authenticity, quiet, comfort, connection, Nature, gratitude, this moment,
Values that were not present:
none
Emotional needs that were met.
☑︎ connection ☑︎ safety ☑︎ novelty ☑︎ significance ☑︎ growth ☑︎ contribution
Emotional needs that were not met.
◻︎connection ◻︎ safety ◻︎ novelty ◻︎ significance ◻︎ growth ◻︎ contribution
I want ☑︎ more ◻︎ fewerexperiences like this.
What skills, resources, help, or action would make more/fewer experiences like this possible?
Taking the time to get away. Making the space available for others to join me outdoors. Remembering what this feels like when I am away from it.
I am:
The Lover - I delight in small things and know how to savor them well
The Child - it doesn’t take much for me to be optimistic or fun
I’m grateful for:
The outdoors. It always revitalizes me.
COVID – Social distancing has given me more freedom to get away.
Friends – I am so happy that I have people to share this with.
I learned/realize:
I don’t need a lot to be happy. Life is so simple. We can just make it more complicated than it needs to be. I am happiest when I balance sovereignty, connection, and authenticity.
Example #4 - a moment with Spirit
Smoky Contact
Non-judgmentally, describe one experience from your day.
I am doing my daily meditation and connecting with Spirit. I immediately feel a tingling in my feet and stomach that lets me know we are connected. I sing a song to my ancestors and send them love. I ask for their blessings and ask that I receive their messages in clear and easy ways for me to understand. Later that day, I get many ideas for a project that I am working on and write them down. I silently say, “Thank you.”
I was ☑︎ sovereign ☑︎ authentic ☑︎ connected
Values that were present:
faith, honesty, humility, gratitude, openness
Values that were not present:
none
Emotional needs that were met.
☑︎ connection ☑︎ safety ☑︎ novelty ☑︎ significance ☑︎ growth ☑︎ contribution
Emotional needs that were not met.
◻︎connection ◻︎ safety ◻︎ novelty ◻︎ significance ◻︎ growth ◻︎ contribution
I want ☑︎ more◻︎ fewerexperiences like this.
What skills, resources, help, or action would make more/fewer experiences like this possible?
Continue doing this. Use the guidance that I am given.
I am:
a Student – I love learning from Spirit
I’m grateful for:
The ability to connect with Spirit.
That I am supported and know it.
Having learned how to do this when I was young.
I learned/realize:
I am always supported. If I don’t know something, all I have to do is ask. If I need something, I can ask.
Do Not Forget!
Are you starting to get it now? It might look intimidating. It might look brutal. I want to leave you with a few quotes to inspire boldness within as you go through your journey.
“When the snow melts, you’ll see the dog poop.” ~ Inuit proverb
“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.” ~ Anais Nin
“The heart of the person before you is a mirror. See there your own form.” ~ Socrates
“Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.” ~ Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
“An exciting and inspiring future awaits you beyond the noise in your mind, beyond the guilt, doubt, fear, shame, and insecurity and heaviness of the past you carry around.” ~ Debbie Ford
“Personal transformation can and does have global effects. As we go, so goes the world, for the world is us. The revolution that will save the world is ultimately a personal one.” ~ Marianne Williamson
“Walking, I am listening to a deeper way. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.” ~ Linda Hogan