ON ZIPPERS
I hate zippers.
Regardless of whether you’re zipping or unzipping, be it pants, a sleeping bag, or a tent, zippers notoriously run off the rails, pinch fabric that need not be pinched, get all jammed up, and blatantly refuse to zip, no matter how much one jerks.
Zippers suck.
Even more surprising than the fact that zippers are constantly fucking up is the fact that there have been no advancements in zipper technology. There must be a better way to secure and unsecure two pieces of fabric. I know there is, because I’ve found a solution:
Magnets.
A thin line of very powerful magnets woven into both sides of the material to be secured and unsecured at will. When entering or exiting a tent, for example, simply push (or dive through) the door and allow the magnetic charge to snap the flap shut behind you. Ditto sleeping bag. Yes, magnets are the answer.
Of course, this does pose a dangerous problem for men’s pants. However, I’ve come up with a solution for that as well:
Microchips.
Pre-programmed microchips, also woven into the fabric and attached to the magnets, presumably via wires, causing the magnets to attract or repel the material by a remote-controlled device, maybe a cell phone app.
“But Colonel,” a critic said “You don’t even have a cellphone. And even if you did, it wouldn’t have any apps.”
True. But I would have a phone if it meant I didn’t have to deal with zippers. Zippers can kiss my ass.
Colonel John Matrix
1st Special Forces Operation Detachment / Delta
U.S. Army, Retired
