CHAPTER 1 Going West
The thought that my sister could fly across the Tasman Sea and kill me has sometimes kept me awake at night. My heart begins pounding, my throat tightens, and it seems as if my brain is shrinking, freezing in fear. I force myself to breathe deeply, think the word ‘calm’ on each breath and slowly stretch out. Banish this monster that has snuck up on me.
Mum often said I was too sensitive and had a good imagination. My brother, Robert, reckoned I wallowed in the past and that I exaggerated my sister’s abuse, even though he was never there those times when she attacked me at night when we were little or when she hurled a compass into my back while we were boarding at Aunt Margaret’s, the year I attended Epsom Girls’ Grammar School in Auckland.
A part of me believed them, so perhaps this was why I swallowed my fear and flew from my home in Australia back to New Zealand in September 2005 to help Mum, who was going through a difficult time. Even though I knew my sister would be there.
I bet Mum and my aunts and others often chatted about my sister and me over cups of tea. I can see them rolling their eyes, shaking their heads and sighing, ‘What a shame they don’t get on.’ Perhaps I overheard them say something like that. I’d wince when someone would say to me, ‘It’s such a pity you aren’t friends with your sister.’ Robert would have felt the same. He was friends with everyone.
We call my sister Anna. Mum and Dad christened her Anna Margaret Garden, but in the 1970s she changed it officially to Annamaria Aurelia Garden. Aurelia is a girl’s name of Latin origin meaning ‘the golden one’. Mum laughed at the name change: more proof that the Gardens were mad. No one in the family called her Annamaria.
After Dad died in 1997, my sister went back to London, where she had previously worked as a highly paid organizational consultant, and then disappeared for several years. She wrote to Mum to say she needed to be completely alone and would be out of contact for a while. We later found out she went to live in Dad’s home village of Tongue, up the top of Scotland, where she agonized and grieved (her words) over Dad for a long time and raged against everyone in the family. I never grieved Dad’s passing. I was relieved, as I hoped Mum could have some years enjoying herself after all those years of being Dad’s slave, always at his beck and call.
During this time, with Anna out of reach and Mum frantic with worry about her, Robert and I decided to move Mum from Papakura in South Auckland to Orewa, a coastal town northeast of Auckland. It would be a chance to start a new life. We found a lovely brick unit directly opposite the Countdown supermarket and one block from the beach.
An iconic holiday location, Orewa was a favourite of a young Edmund Hillary and his family. His father, Percival, bought a bach (a small holiday house) there in the 1940s and planted the iconic Norfolk pines, which have a Christmas tree shape, along the beach front. The front was also spotted with large native pōhutukawa trees, a species of myrtle, that burst into fiery crimson flowers during the Christmas period. In Māori mythology, its flowers are said to represent the blood of a young warrior who perished while trying to avenge his father’s death.
Although the township itself is uninteresting, stretched over a flat area with roads neatly crisscrossed and lined with bland brick houses and units ‒ the poet James K. Baxter once described New Zealand as ‘a country where towns are made like coffins’ ‒ the best part about Orewa is that it looks out to the sea and has three kilometres of beach with white golden sand. Over the years, I would walk that beach hundreds of times, and sometimes swim or float on my back in its calm waters. I’ve always loved the beach, a place where my mind and body can relax.
I thought Mum, too, would walk on the beach, dip her toes in the water, but the most she did was sit on a bench on its foreshore and occasionally eat fish and chips there with me. Perhaps when she first moved there, she’d wander down and stare blankly out at the water, wonder where Anna was and if she would ever hear from her again. It was something of a shock when Anna turned up at her doorstep at the end of 2000, not in the best mental state, and seemingly without a cent to her name, and expecting to live with Mum indefinitely.
A few years later, Mum wrote to me:
I have a lot of time to think about my time with your father. I really do not want to think of him except that Anna is showing some of that weird side of him. It could drive me crazy if I had to have a repeat performance. I sometimes think there is an improvement in Anna, then she has a day when she really is out of this world talking madly and loudly to herself. I have a heavy heart when I think of the future if I have one – and also if I haven’t, she will have to go into some sort of home.
After Mum moved to Orewa, Robert often called on me to help Mum even though he lived not far from her. He was about to fly with his partner to Europe for a cycling holiday and wanted me to look for a place for Mum to rent. Mum had mentioned in several letters and phone calls that she was ‘in dire straits financially’ because Anna had been living with her on and off for about five years and not contributing in any way. Robert and I decided to sell her unit to free up some money for her.
I wonder now why my brother didn’t help. He was wealthy. Why didn’t I suggest this? I should have put my foot down. Mum had already had enough upheaval as Dad had been unstable and restless throughout their marriage, always on the move. She was almost 88 and had endured significant stress from putting up with Dad all those years and then Anna landing back on her doorstep, penniless and homeless. My brother suggested that while he was overseas, I look in Helensville, a town northwest of Auckland, about 30 kilometres from Orewa. Robert lived just north of Helensville, on a large farm, where he had established mountain bike trails on the hills and in the bush at the back of his property. He and his partner spent a lot of time away at various events, orienteering or mountain bike riding, not only in New Zealand but all over the world.
At Robert’s behest I flew over to New Zealand but instead of staying with Mum, I stayed with my Aunt Ola, who was 92. After Mum had moved to Orewa, Aunt Ola and Uncle Pat had decided to move from Wellington and bought a unit just around the corner from Mum’s place. Pat died a few years later at the age of 100.
Anna and I were estranged, so now I don’t know why I agreed to go with the three of them in Mum’s little two-doored grey car to look at a rental property for Mum in Helensville. Maybe I hoped things would be better now, my sister and I could be friends, she would not turn on me. Anna was friendly before we set off. She was driving while Mum sat in the front. I was in the back with Ola, who had recently come out of hospital after suffering a heart attack.
Ola was smartly dressed as usual. Although she was on an aged pension like Mum, she got her nails done regularly and bought beautiful clothes, sometimes even designer wear when they were on sale, from my favourite clothing shop in Orewa. I don’t recall exactly what she was wearing, but she probably had on the white-grey faux-fur Russian Cossack–style hat that often crowned her face in the cooler months. Perhaps her purple satin blouse and a necklace with large lime-green baubles, which she would wear with a smart taupe mid-calf skirt, and wedge-heeled shoes. I loved Aunt Ola. She had not been able to have children and doted on her nine nieces and nephews. She was a big sturdy upright woman, whereas Mum was thin and slight and strained and a bit frozen.
Mum would have been wearing her usual grey slacks and perhaps a fawn jersey (she liked the color fawn), along with a cardigan and lace-up black shoes. In recent years she had been buying her clothes ‒ bargains she called them ‒ from second-hand shops around Orewa.
My sister was also big and sturdy, and stronger than me. I don’t recall what she was wearing but Mum said that since her mental breakdown Anna had resorted to wearing odd outfits, a hodgepodge of clothing, things flung together, nothing matching and usually either too thin or too thick for the weather.
My hopes were up as we headed west. Once we got off the Hibiscus Coast Highway, there was a meandering country drive across the island along Kahikatea Flat Road. It was a weird feeling sitting in that small car, bobbing along with forced smiles on our faces. I remember looking out the window at one stage, opening my eyes wide and shaking my head a little, thinking what the fuck and wishing I was back home.
Anna and I chatted a bit and we both laughed at something I said. Apart from a short phone call after Dad died, it was the first time I’d spoken with her for many years. I was now 55 and Anna was 53. I felt excited, relieved – did I finally have my sister back? I had thought we were the closest of friends until 1980, when she sent me a nasty letter, in which she blamed me for all the problems she’d had in her life. That was the beginning of our long estrangement.
As we reached the township of Helensville, Anna turned her head a little and asked for directions. I had the map on my lap and told her to take the next turn right. Suddenly she slammed on the brakes. The car skidded and jerked to a stop in the middle of the road.
She turned around and began to scream at me – I can’t remember her exact words, but she said something about me being bossy and that I was a fucking bitch. Her freckled face was bright red, her bulging blue-green eyes wide and blazing. She looked deranged. She flung open her door, stormed around to the other side of the car and yanked the front door open.
Mum scuttled out like a praying mantis. Anna bent down and, reaching through the small gap between the seats, grabbed my arm and tried to drag me out. She began to bite and scratch me. My heart was beating so quickly I thought it might explode. My ears started popping, drowning things out. I was unable to utter a single thing, not even a wordless cry or a shout. Was she going to kill me?
A man rushed to help, shouted something at Anna and she backed off. I pushed the seat forward, scrambled out and began to run up the road. I heard Mum calling out, ‘Come back, we’ll sort it out.’ I yelled back, ‘I am no longer playing happy families.’ That was a strange thing to shoot out of my mouth. I’d never stood up to any of them before.
I slowed down when I reached the shops at the crest of the hill and waited for Mum to catch up with me. I told her I was going to the police station, which was a few blocks away. She did not object, which was strange. While we were walking, I rang Tom, a friend of Robert’s, who I had met a few times. He kept an eye on Robert’s property whenever he was away. I told Tom briefly what had happened, and asked if he could bring me one of Robert’s cars.
At the police station, a female officer took down notes, and said she would be in touch with the Orewa Police and the mental health crisis assessment and treatment team (CATT). She seemed unsympathetic; she may have thought it was just a family tiff. She advised me to go to hospital, which was odd as I wasn’t badly injured.
I’m wondering now, writing this, why I didn’t ask the police to check on Aunt Ola and see if she was safe. Maybe I just assumed Anna would take off back to Orewa with Ola still sitting in the back, which she did. I didn’t have much space to worry about anyone else, to tell you the truth: I was in too much shock myself.
Things are blurry here. I vaguely remember Tom arriving with Robert’s car, then perhaps I drove him back to his place, about 15 kilometres away. Also, I’ve always had a memory of going to a hospital. Did we drive to North Shore Hospital, a good 40-minute away from Helensville? If not, where to? We went somewhere, I’m sure, as I remember a doctor saying the visit would be covered by accident insurance. I don’t remember what Mum and I said on the way to wherever we went. She felt sorry for me. That I do know. That was unusual, a first. I don’t think she mentioned Anna the whole way.
After I’d been checked over ‒ just bruises and scratches and bite marks ‒ I dropped Mum off and then popped into Aunt Ola’s to collect my bag. She was sitting in her armchair, radio in her hand, listening to the news. She was still shaken up. I gave her a big hug.
‘Oh, Mary dear, I can’t believe the way Anna attacked you. Absolutely priceless. You did nothing, absolutely nothing.’ Ola was one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known, but she, too, had always made excuses for Anna.
I drove to my brother’s place. As soon as I got there, I rang him ‒ he was somewhere in Europe ‒ and burst into tears. Deep racking sobs. He’d never heard me cry like this before. He was concerned and sympathetic. That was a first too. He was also relieved. He reckoned that because of the assault my sister would be helped at last. We would be able to get her sectioned into a mental health facility, possibly for a lengthy period, as opposed to the one- or two-day stays she’d had before. She could be diagnosed and treated properly, and Mum’s nightmare would be over.
Even though I was alone, I thought I’d be safe there in that lovely big house my brother had built on top of a hill at the edge of his farm but I stayed awake most of the night. I feared my sister would turn up, stab me to death. I spent the night on the lookout for headlights coming up the long driveway.
The next morning I drove down to the Orewa Police Station, around the corner from Mum’s place. An officer said CATT had interviewed Anna and assessed her as being in no danger to herself or others. They said she had presented to them as being clear and articulate, and emphasized that she was very intelligent. Evidently my sister told them I had provoked her. They did not interview Mum or Aunt Ola, let alone me. I was shocked. My sister, unmedicated, was dangerous to others. She had assaulted me!
The officer said mental health crisis teams in New Zealand were completely hopeless. He told me about an incident the previous week where they had not intervened when a man went ballistic, threatened to kill his parents and smash up their house. CATT palmed it off as a police matter, whereas clearly the man needed help, needed to be sectioned. The police hadn’t signed up to be caretakers of people suffering psychotic episodes! The officer said I could take out a civil case against Anna but added how lucky I was to be living in Australia. ‘Go back there and to try to forget your family,’ he urged.
It was a typically cold, grey and overcast day. I changed my air ticket and flew home that afternoon. I did not see Mum or Ola before I left. In my rush to leave, I forgot all about a suitcase Mum had said I could have. It was an old leather one that Dad had used when he was a commercial pilot for British Airways in the 1930s and for Tasman Empire Airways Ltd (TEAL) in the 1940s. Later, he kept it under his bed and stored precious things related to his aviation days, unless they were valuable and he could pawn them. The suitcase was at Mum’s place but I did not want to go near there.
I ached to get back to the warmth of Queensland. The 2016 census recorded 201,202 New Zealand-born people living in Queensland, 40 per cent of the total New Zealanders in Australia.[i] Some have fled the ghosts of their childhood, others have been lured by the warmer climate and higher wages. I found Australians, especially Queenslanders, to be more open and friendlier, more relaxed, than New Zealanders, but maybe that’s because of what I escaped.
My home at that time was a small fibro cottage in a beachside suburb 18 kilometres from Bundaberg. I’d just spent a year renovating it, painting it in light blue, aqua and orange, and had added a deck across the front. The cottage was at the back of a long narrow block that led right onto the beach.
For the next month, I spent most of my time on the couch in the front room that faced the beach. I did not feel well. My head ached as if it had been punched repeatedly. I lay on the couch listening to the sound of the waves, letting the sound seep through my brain and drown out Anna’s screams, which kept reverberating. I couldn’t bring myself to read or even watch television. Before dawn, I’d wander down to the beach and go for a walk. I did not want to see anyone, as I felt I’d have to smile and say hello or have a chat.
I didn’t tell any of my friends I was back from New Zealand. I didn’t ring Peter, who I’d recently broke up with but who I was still good friends with. (We’d been in a relationship for almost six years ‒ at last, a decent guy who did not mistreat me in any way.) I didn’t ring my son or daughter, even though I was very close to them. I did not want to burden them. I was too ashamed to tell them that violence had again re-entered my life. Bundaberg had been a new start for me, after some dark years in an abusive relationship in the 1990s in Maleny, in the Sunshine Coast hinterland, one of those little-bit-hippy places for so-called creative types. They were both now at university, finding their own way in the world. They’d never had anything to do with my sister; she had rejected them because they were mine.
Eventually I dragged myself into town to see my doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist. She said I’d probably have to wait some weeks for an appointment, but luckily there was a cancellation for the next day. I’d never seen a psychiatrist before. I’d been to therapists and psychologists over the years, but not a psychiatrist. Would they lock me away? Make me have electric shock treatment?
I was expecting someone stern and aloof, but the psychiatrist was kind and friendly. He did not sit on a chair but perched himself on the front corner of his desk, his long legs swinging slightly as he sipped from a can of Diet Coke. I told him about Helensville. Blurted out bits and pieces from my life. The long sad story of my sister that went back so many years. I cried at times and dragged tissues from a box on a small table next to my chair. Wept about my weird, fucked-up birth family.
Towards the end of the session, he announced that I had post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from the assault and other traumas from my past. Sustained trauma. He said I should ‘divorce’ myself from my family. Cut myself off from all of them, even though he said it was the hardest thing to do. Family bonds are the strongest ties, he added. The rest of the family were enabling my sister and always had been, from what I’d told him.
Cut off from all of them? I was taken aback. Wasn’t that a bit harsh?
*
I thought the psychiatrist might have been exaggerating about me having PTSD. But my sister’s attack haunted me for years; the fear stayed with me. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just ignore it all and get on with life. That’s the sort of thing my brother would say: ‘Stop wallowing in the past.’ But then I did some research and discovered the psychiatrist was right.
There are psychological consequences of being physically assaulted. Georgina Fuller, from the Australian Institute of Criminology, points out that assaults may have ramifications that extend beyond direct consequences such as physical injuries and lead to a disruption across a wide range of functions.[ii] As well as the resultant fear, anger, sadness and stress, the impact of violence can lead to the development of mental health conditions such as PTSD, with studies showing that females are at an increased risk of developing this disorder in response to physical assault compared with males. Studies have shown that the experience of victimization results in fundamental changes in the way the individual perceives and interprets the world around them, including the way they view their own capabilities and self-worth.[iii] It can lead to self-blame and negative thoughts about oneself. In other words, victims can blame themselves. And I was good at that.
[i] ‘Queensland Compared, Census 2016’, Queensland Treasury, www.qgso.qld.gov.au/issues/3221/qld-compared-census-2016.pdf, accessed 19 January 2024.
[ii] Georgina Fuller, 2015, ‘The serious impact and consequences of physical assault’, Trends & Issues in Crime and Criminal Justice, No. 496, Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology. www.aic.gov.au/publications/tandi/tandi496, accessed 19 January 2024.
[iii] B. Cook, F. David & A. Grant 1999, Victim’s Needs, Victim’s Rights: Policies and Programs for Victims of Crime in Australia, Research and Public Policy series no 19. Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology, www.aic.gov.au/sites/default/files/2020-05/rpp019.pdf, accessed 19 January 2024.
