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Moves: Dating is a Game


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Written as though the author had never met a woman or played a game, this expresses a disastrous outlook on heteronormative dating.

Reading this self-help book is like getting dropped in the middle of 2010’s Amnesia: The Dark Descent with a low sanity rating and no working mouse. You soon find out that instead of playing out the journey of the protagonist, you are one of the abominations clamoring about the castle. You stumble upon a crumpled scroll that is an exhausting 310 pages long. Unable to control your actions or understand your surroundings, you don’t have much of a choice what happens next. 

This book contains the ramblings of a madman with an ego so outrageously inflated he thinks that he has “life lessons” to share with other men looking for dating advice. Stepping in this book might, from the outside, look like a fun little trip to a castle that won't offer actionable advice, but will at least contain a joke about Kirby or Jigglypuff, gotta catch ‘em all riffing. But once you step over this threshold all you’ll find are toxic piles of baggage around every turn. Do not proceed! 

No part of this book has a citation. Not one single piece of advice is supported by evidence, or even examples. It was written by the human embodiment of No Man’s Sky: buggy, unfinished and entirely focused on the wrong thing. 

The video game references are feeble attempts to market his toxic dating opinions to an audience that is likely to turn around and troll the author online like a late night Fortnite run. A weak metaphor, but still a stronger example of figurative language than the all the Mario, Mortal Kombat and Madden similes found throughout the book combined. 

It’s difficult to decide which atrocity is more shocking: the implication this man doesn’t understand the difference between hardware and software, the fact that Super Mario 64 is a lazy example of an open world game, or that getting sniped in Call of Duty is nothing like asking someone on a date.

Some standout statistics from the book: not one mention of Sims, Minecraft, or Sonic in the entire 310 pages of utter trash fire (though all three games are ripe with dating comparisons). The word “females” is used 243 times. The word “attractive” is found on 39 pages. “Alpha” on 24 pages. Chimpanzees are mentioned three times, “female energy” is on three separate pages, and this sentient Alienware dirtbag fails to grasp the concept of toxic masculinity quite literally on three pages, but in essence on all 310.  

One can only hope that no one has listened, God forbid acted upon, the advice found in this book. Treating dating literally like playing a video game is bafflingly stubborn headed and, honestly, a weak metaphor that gets completely abandoned as the book goes on.

Treating other human beings like NPCs is actively harmful and will not manifest a girlfriend.  

This book is not worth the laugh. Once you enter this haunted castle, there’s no escape and your sacrifice is futile. Do yourself a favor, power up Animal Crossing and learn how to interact with others in a productive way. 

Reviewed by

I am a book (and bread) lover based in NYC. I studied Monster Culture in undergrad, concentrating in Gender Performance across Monster Narratives. I love all things horror, science fiction, diverse and compelling. I'm passionate about reading weird, unexpected and emotional stories across platforms.

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Hello, I am just some guy who likes reading and writing. view profile

Published on January 01, 2020

Published by

120000 words

Contains mild explicit content ⚠️

Genre: Self-Help & Self-Improvement

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