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Moves: Dating is a Game

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Written as though the author had never met a woman or played a game, this expresses a disastrous outlook on heteronormative dating.

Synopsis

Dating is a game, and this is your Ultimate Strategy Guide! Because dating and videogames have a lot in common. And if you as a Man, took all those lessons that you’ve learned from playing videogames your entire life and applied them to dating, you can become quite successful at it. And that is what this book does, it will show you all the moves and lessons that will help you understand the rules of dating and how you can play the game better than anyone else like it is a videogame. So, prepare to learn how to move, play, and dominate the Dating Game like a Pro Championship Player on a speed run challenge through Hot Chick Castle. And if that sounds awesome to you, then grab your new controller called "Moves: Dating is a Game" and get ready to take your game with women to the next level so that you can start winning at this bigger one called Life!

Reading this self-help book is like getting dropped in the middle of 2010’s Amnesia: The Dark Descent with a low sanity rating and no working mouse. You soon find out that instead of playing out the journey of the protagonist, you are one of the abominations clamoring about the castle. You stumble upon a crumpled scroll that is an exhausting 310 pages long. Unable to control your actions or understand your surroundings, you don’t have much of a choice what happens next. 


This book contains the ramblings of a madman with an ego so outrageously inflated he thinks that he has “life lessons” to share with other men looking for dating advice. Stepping in this book might, from the outside, look like a fun little trip to a castle that won't offer actionable advice, but will at least contain a joke about Kirby or Jigglypuff, gotta catch ‘em all riffing. But once you step over this threshold all you’ll find are toxic piles of baggage around every turn. Do not proceed! 


No part of this book has a citation. Not one single piece of advice is supported by evidence, or even examples. It was written by the human embodiment of No Man’s Sky: buggy, unfinished and entirely focused on the wrong thing. 


The video game references are feeble attempts to market his toxic dating opinions to an audience that is likely to turn around and troll the author online like a late night Fortnite run. A weak metaphor, but still a stronger example of figurative language than the all the Mario, Mortal Kombat and Madden similes found throughout the book combined. 


It’s difficult to decide which atrocity is more shocking: the implication this man doesn’t understand the difference between hardware and software, the fact that Super Mario 64 is a lazy example of an open world game, or that getting sniped in Call of Duty is nothing like asking someone on a date.


Some standout statistics from the book: not one mention of Sims, Minecraft, or Sonic in the entire 310 pages of utter trash fire (though all three games are ripe with dating comparisons). The word “females” is used 243 times. The word “attractive” is found on 39 pages. “Alpha” on 24 pages. Chimpanzees are mentioned three times, “female energy” is on three separate pages, and this sentient Alienware dirtbag fails to grasp the concept of toxic masculinity quite literally on three pages, but in essence on all 310.  


One can only hope that no one has listened, God forbid acted upon, the advice found in this book. Treating dating literally like playing a video game is bafflingly stubborn headed and, honestly, a weak metaphor that gets completely abandoned as the book goes on.


Treating other human beings like NPCs is actively harmful and will not manifest a girlfriend.  


This book is not worth the laugh. Once you enter this haunted castle, there’s no escape and your sacrifice is futile. Do yourself a favor, power up Animal Crossing and learn how to interact with others in a productive way. 



Reviewed by

I am a book (and bread) lover based in NYC. I studied Monster Culture in undergrad, concentrating in Gender Performance across Monster Narratives. I love all things horror, science fiction, diverse and compelling. I'm passionate about reading weird, unexpected and emotional stories across platforms.

Synopsis

Dating is a game, and this is your Ultimate Strategy Guide! Because dating and videogames have a lot in common. And if you as a Man, took all those lessons that you’ve learned from playing videogames your entire life and applied them to dating, you can become quite successful at it. And that is what this book does, it will show you all the moves and lessons that will help you understand the rules of dating and how you can play the game better than anyone else like it is a videogame. So, prepare to learn how to move, play, and dominate the Dating Game like a Pro Championship Player on a speed run challenge through Hot Chick Castle. And if that sounds awesome to you, then grab your new controller called "Moves: Dating is a Game" and get ready to take your game with women to the next level so that you can start winning at this bigger one called Life!

The Game

We all start with nothing.

When the game starts, all you have is yourself. From here, it is up to you what you will do. As the days for us go by like days in Majora's Mask, you decide whether you are going to be one step closer to becoming who you are meant to be in your story or are you going to let another cycle of the clock be meaningless. Will you continue to get caught up with the trivial side missions in life that just waste your precious time until the clock runs out? Or will you do something with it? That is just a part of the game that all of us play. What are we going to do? How do we get there? And what is it that we truly want?

But like in a videogame, there is struggle. Repeated and endless battles until you get to the end. This repetition of what to expect is just a test to your persistence of what you want your life to be. However, there is also a benefit from that countless struggle because the more you are beaten the better at the game you will become. Every experience you have will help to improve your ability to navigate through the world. You will find yourself leveling up your skills to the point where holding a conversation becomes effortless, how making friends and connections help you unlock other areas in your life that you would have had harder access to, and how the rewards that you get from putting in the work will become bigger and better. Just like a videogame. The game and its struggle will always be there as time continues to pass you by. But the best way to win at it is to learn how to move within it.

Moves are what every game is at its core—a calculation of what to do, when to do it, and how it affects the world around you. For a player to succeed, knowing “how to move” is essential in any game you will ever play, even the dating game.


About the author

Hello, I am just some guy who likes reading and writing. view profile

Published on January 01, 2020

Published by

120000 words

Contains explicit content ⚠️

Genre: Self-help

Reviewed by

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