Chapter 1
I hate being a park ranger. There, I said it. It’s nice to finally get it off my chest. It’s not like there’s any one specific thing that makes it so bad, it’s a combination. The pay sucks, the health insurance is non-existent, dear God don’t ever forget to hose yourself down with bug spray during the warmer months. I have a case of it I keep in my car. I found out the hard way when I was down near the lake and was set upon by a swarm of mosquitos. And the ticks get into places you wouldn’t imagine. These are the minor annoyances.
There’s also the other part of the job, the dangerous part. I’m not talking about people being idiots and having to swoop down from the top of a ravine to rescue them. Yeah, that’s there. In my opinion that’s called natural selection. If they were close enough to the edge to fall, then that’s on them. No, I’m not talking about those incidents either, I’m talking about real danger.
I’m not supposed to say anything, but I’m tired of the code of silence. That’s why I’m writing this. It goes without saying that I won’t use anyone’s real name, including the park. That should keep me out of trouble.
I started working here as park ranger around a year ago. It seemed nice at first to get out and enjoy nature. I’m sure nature would laugh at that since she seems to be set on killing people. Between storms, falling trees, landslides, wildfires, and not to mention cryptids, nature is not exactly man’s best friend, at least in this park.
Every evening at dusk some of us rangers drive around to the trailheads to make sure there’s no cars sitting around. If there is, we take the license number and call the police to see if the person has been reported missing. If there are no cars, we lock the gates.
This evening I had just finished locking the gate down by the lake. It had been a while since I’d been near any restrooms and the nearest one was a half mile away. I was responsible for this side of the lake so I knew no other rangers would be around. I glanced left and right, then whipped out and added a little more fluid to the lake.
As I was relieving myself, this huge, hairy creature stepped out of the forest around fifty feet away from me and approached the lake. It bent over pulling water out of the lake with its massive hands and bringing it up to its mouth to drink. After the third handful, it noticed me for the first time. It saw what I was doing, then spat the mouthful of water back into the lake.
We both froze.
You know that ‘Oh crap’ moment when you catch someone doing something they shouldn’t at the same time you’re doing something you shouldn’t? Like when you’re on duty and coming out of the liquor store with a brown bag and you see a coworker buying a bag of weed? You both stare at each other hoping that the other one will be the one to feel guilty and walk away first, but neither of you do, you just stand there.
That’s what we did. We just stood there looking at each other this creature and I.
Was I scared? Hell, yeah I was scared. This thing was freakin huge. You remember that part in Star Wars where Han tells Threepio that Wookies are known to rip people’s arms out of their sockets. That’s what I was thinking this thing might do. I mean, it was big enough to give Chewie a swirlie.
The thought of my arms being forcefully and painfully removed from my body bounced around in my head so much I started sweating. They say animals can smell fear. I bet I smelled like I had just walked out of a ‘Saw’ movie marathon.
Neither one of us moved. Me out of total terror, him out of… how the hell should I know what that thing was thinking? All I knew was it wasn’t running away. I didn’t take that as a good sign. I took that as him looking at me and someone in the background ringing the dinner bell. Finally, after a long moment of this insane standoff, my shaking hand reached for my phone.
Much to my surprise and relief, it took off into the woods at inhuman speed.
Against my better judgement, I followed as best I could but soon lost sight of it. I came back to the shoreline and found huge footprints.
My phone shook in my hands, making it nearly impossible to take a clear picture. I steadied it long enough to snap the shot, then stared at my prize… a footprint of a Bigfoot. I took several more pictures then went to the station to show everyone, knowing that proof like this would make me a legend.
“That’s super,” Ron said with a laugh. “Did you get a picture of the tooth fairy too?”
The room erupted with laughter as all the rangers, even the ones I considered to be friends, turned on me.
“No that would be a Fae,” said Sharon. “Not a sasquatch. Don’t you know anything, Ron?”
“Did it give you any beef jerky?” Jeff said causing the group to erupt with even more laughter.
“Now come on,” Nancy said. “Let’s be realistic.”
My hopes soared that someone might believe me.
“You don’t really think there’s any beef in that jerky do you?” Nancy said.
My hopes crashed like the Obama economy.
“Hey, shut up all you idiots,” Dell said pulling me aside. “Let me see that phone.”
I handed it to him feeling my hopes rise again.
He looked through the pictures one by one. His face was set. I couldn’t’ read his emotions. He didn’t seem to react with surprise or disbelief. When he was done looking through them he scrolled back and deleted every picture that had anything to do with the creature.
“What the hell?” I said, grabbing my phone.
“I’m doing you a favor,” he said. “You don’t wanna go down that road. It only leads to bad things.”
I stared at my phone in shock. I couldn’t believe someone I trusted, someone I looked up to, the most senior ranger in the station had just destroyed evidence of this mythical creature’s existence.
“But it was real,” I said. “I saw it.”
Chuckles sounded from around the room. Dell turned and silenced them with a look.
“Why don’t you take tomorrow off and get your head clear?” he said.
I found myself nodding, not really sure why as he guided me out of the station toward my car.
“Enjoy yourself,” he said. “Go do something relaxing. You’ve had a hard day.”
I started toward my car, Dell watching me the entire time. As soon as he stepped back inside, I could hear another roar of laughter. I knew it was at my expense.
I got into my car in a daze. It wasn’t until I stared at my phone that I realized just how violated I felt.
I drove home and sat in the kitchen staring at the wall. ‘I know I saw it.’ I kept telling myself. I pondered what to do with no evidence and no one to back me up. An idea came to me. I started looking for bigfoot traps online. I looked up how to trap a bigfoot and got some very interesting ideas. The next day I went and bought some bear traps.
When I drove to work the following morning, I got there early and quietly transferred my bear traps to the state truck I would be using that day.
I went inside and greeted the other rangers. They all seemed aloof and holding back like they were waiting for something to happen.
I rounded the corner to the lockers and found out what. My locker had been covered in bigfoot pictures. There was even one with a picture of a naked woman and Chewbacca’s head taped over hers. The caption written in said, “Come find me, big boy.”
This is why I hate people.
I did my best to ignore it as the titters and chuckles sounded behind me.
I said nothing and went to my truck. I sat there for a long time trying to get the rage to bleed off, but all I could think of was revenge.
That taught me the hard lesson, ‘Keep your mouth shut.’ I learned that lesson well, but the damage was already done. The other rangers were already calling me a freak and a joke.
That pissed me off but also strengthened my resolve. It would’ve been easy to quit right there but I was determined to prove myself. That I was as good as they were. That I wasn’t crazy. That this thing really existed.
As the man said, two outta three ain’t bad.
I started patrolling down by the lake more often, looking for my prey where I had seen it last. But I had the sinking suspicion that it was watching me. That it knew I was hunting it. I tried to be nonchalant about it at first. I’d just drive by, looking around like a good ranger should. But after a while, I started getting impatient. I would spend more time there than the rest of my route. It got to the point where people would come up to me and ask for help, but I would ignore them or shuttle them off to another ranger.
I started getting proactive in my hunt. I found a deer carcass near the place I’d seen the creature and set the bear traps up around it.
Then I staked out the area and waited.
For a long time.
People came up to me, I ignored them. Animals came up to me,
I ignored them. The only thing I was focused on was finding my prey.
Morning turned to afternoon turned to evening with no results. I sighed in resignation when it came time to close the gates. I decided to go home and let the traps do the work for me.
The next morning, I overslept. I drove like a madman to get to work. More specifically to get back to my stakeout. Imagine my surprise when I came back and found I had caught something in my trap... a fellow ranger.
Ron lay on the ground screaming. I went over to help him.
“Are you ok?” I said.
“No, dumbass, I have a giant metal jaw attached to my leg.”
I fumbled with the trap trying to get it open only to have it snap shut on his leg again.
“What the hell are you doing?” he said. “Are you too stupid to open a trap?”
I stopped and stared at him. “At least I’m not stupid enough to step into one.”
“Screw you!”
I stood to leave.
“Where are you going?”
I whipped around on him.
“Screw you,” I said. “I come over here to help you and you’re treating me like some piece of crap. Get out of your own damn trap.”
I started walking away.
“Ok,” he said.
I stopped and turned.
“Ok, what?”
“Ok, I’m sorry. Will you please help me out of this trap?”
I paused for a moment then went back.
“Alright, I’ve never opened a trap before,” I lied. “Tell me what to do.”
“These are the springs,” he said. “Press down on them and It’ll open the jaws.”
Once the jaws were open, he pulled his injured leg free.
“Thank God,” he said checking out his injured leg. “Who put that trap there anyway.”
“No clue,” I lied.
I drove Ron straight to the hospital to get him taken care of. Once he was in a room and being treated, I left.
But there was the matter of the illegal bear trap that had injured a park ranger. Dell was not happy. He pulled me into his office.
“I can’t believe this happened,” he said. “I’ve known Ron for years. He’s a good friend and a good ranger. The person responsible for this will pay. I’ll see him strung up by his entrails.”
“Yes, sir,” I said.
“This should never happen on park grounds. It’s a deliberate assault and I won’t rest until I see Ron’s killer behind bars.”
“He’s not dead, sir.”
“Whatever, you get the point,” he said. “And what do you know about this?”
“Me,” I said feigning ignorance. “Why would you ask me?”
He shot me a steely glare.
“You know exactly why,” he said.
I was feeling the metaphorical handcuffs click closed around my wrists.
“Because you didn’t listen to me and let this bigfoot thing go,” he said. “Other rangers have seen you hanging around where you saw that thing. I’m thinking maybe you saw the person who set that trap.”
I took a breath, feeling the cuffs fall off my wrists.
“There have been a few unsavory types hanging around,” I said.
“I want you to track them down and find out who did this to one of my rangers,” he said slamming his fist on his desk.
“Yes, sir,” I said as I walked out of his office.
I couldn’t believe it. I was off the hook. I was in charge of my own investigation. Stopping to think about it, it made perfect sense that he chose me. It was a crap job that no one else wanted to do. But I was going to do it to the absolute best of my ability, I thought sarcastically. ‘Yes, sir, I won’t rest until I’m brought to justice. You can count on me, sir.’
I waited until I was a mile down the road before I started laughing.
I went to the crime scene and explored it very carefully. Back and forth, over and over I went through the area until there were no tracks anywhere that weren’t mine. Of course, the only tracks before were mine too, and of course, Ron’s.
As an added bonus to tracking myself, I was able to do it in the area of the sighting continuing my search for the creature. It was win-win for me.
‘Thank you, Ron, you idiot, for blundering into that trap and giving me the best assignment I could possibly have.’ I thought.
As the days went by and I searched for myself in vain, I came across an area not too far from the lake where there was a cave with a well-worn path to it. At first, I thought it was a bear cave, but then I found a couple of the tracks that had been deleted off my phone by a certain ranger.
I took pictures of the tracks and made sure I sent them to myself by email. I also kept my mouth shut about it. At least to all my idiot coworkers. My mind playfully wondered how many more I could trick into a bear trap or maybe something worse.
I smiled as I chided myself for such thoughts.
Suddenly I felt something was wrong. The birds stopped singing. I turned to find the creature standing four feet from me. I was amazed at how silent it moved. My amazement quickly gave way to fear as a yellow river ran down the inside of my pants.
It was even more huge up close. At least eight feet tall and completely covered in brown hair. It had bared its teeth and was flexing its massive hands.
For some reason I don’t think it liked me very much. Go figure.
It lunged at me with impossible speed.
I tried to dodge but my boot got stuck on a tree root and I tripped. I fell backwards and landed hard on my back, knocking the wind out of me.
I lay there, helpless, at the mercy of this beast. All it had to do was carry me into its cave and I would never be seen again. Except in smelly little piles hours later. That was a happy thought.
I tried to regain my normal breathing, surprised that it hadn’t dragged me away yet.
As I came around and the stars floating around my head turned back into trees, I saw the creature lying face down a few yards from me.
I rose slowly and approached it. I could see its back rising and falling, so I knew it was still breathing. I took out my phone and took pictures just in case it didn’t kill me or in case it got up and ran away. I even leaned close and took a selfie with it in the background.
Just then it took a slightly deeper breath and I skittered away. When it didn’t jump up and rip my arms out of my sockets, I took a closer look. There was a little blood lying beside its head which was resting on top of a big rock. Apparently when it lunged at me it wasn’t counting on me falling and it dove right into a rock. Knocked itself cold.
This was it. The golden goose had pulled a muscle in its wing while it flew over me and landed in my lap.
I ran to the truck, grabbed the tranquilizer gun and a lot of netting. As I ran back the thought of it not being there drove me to distraction. All my hard work of lucking into this perfect scenario would’ve been for nothing. I ran as fast as I could carrying a big net on my back and prayed it was still there.
When I got there it was stirring and trying to get up. I dropped the net and fumbled with the tranquilizer gun, nearly shooting myself in the process until I finally aimed. It saw me just as I pointed the gun at it. Our eyes locked. It was a magical moment until I squeezed the trigger and sent him back to lala land.
He probably wasn’t going to be too happy when he woke though. I accidentally shot him in the crotch.
I made sure to reload the gun just in case, then tried to roll him over onto the netting. He felt like he weighed a thousand pounds.
I racked my brain on how to get him out of there and eventually came up with a solution. I backed the truck up through a half mile of trees, leaving scratches on the sides and almost leaving a rearview mirror behind. I managed to get close enough to hook the net onto the trailer hitch. I dragged him out to the road and stopped to figure out my next move.
My house was ten miles away. If I dragged him the whole way there all I would have left would be Bigfoot burger. I couldn’t lift him and it was after hours so there was no one else around to help me get him into the truck bed. Not that I really wanted anyone else to see him.
I panned around and found the solution. There was a small embankment maybe four feet high. I drove the truck onto it and then drove very carefully straight down it. I was terrified I would flip the truck end over end and that would end my little adventure. But I just kept moving slowly as the front wheels touched down and kept going. Next was the tricky part. I got the back wheels on the ground then gunned it forward and slammed it in reverse.
His head was hanging over the edge when I backed up and I accidentally pinned it between the truck gate and the dirt bank. I pulled forward a little and grabbed the netting, pulling with every ounce of strength I had. Ever so slowly his prone body inched forward until he reached the tipping point and rolled into the bed of the truck. When he flopped down one of his feet hit the back window and shattered it.
‘Great,’ I thought. ‘Hey boss, when I was capturing the creature you said doesn’t exist in the company vehicle I broke a window. Is that covered by our insurance?’
I was breathing hard until I was done. I covered him with a tarp and drove away, wracking my brain about where I would take him. As I was thinking I passed a storage unit that was somewhat remote. It was just off the backroad I was on and it didn’t seem like much traffic passed this way.
I called up and rented a unit with my credit card then showed up and backed the truck up to it.
My cargo was starting to stir again as I arrived so I gave it another dose of tranquilizer and dragged it off the truck as best I could. Meaning it flopped over and nearly crushed me. Not all of it was inside and I couldn’t close the door, so I turned the truck around and gently pushed it inside with the front bumper before closing and locking the door.
Next came the tricky part. I couldn’t go on Craigslist and advertise, ‘One Bigfoot, slightly used, fifty million OBO.’ Fortunately, I knew a guy who had a cousin’s brother who knew another guy’s best friend who knew someone who knew someone else who might be able to get me in contact with someone who doesn’t exist.
I printed a few of the pictures, wrote a number with a lot of zeros in it and sent it through the information chain.
I got a phone call two hours later from someone who doesn’t exist. He met me at the storage unit with a lot of heavily armed men dressed in black combat gear and no identifying patches.
When we got there the door was under assault. It had lots of newly formed dents in it and the sides were looking like they weren’t going to hold much longer. My ‘friend’ apparently had woken up and wasn’t very happy with his new surroundings. I offered to open the door just an inch and hit him with another tranq dart, but the man waved me off.
The heavily armed gentlemen worked with practiced precision. They flung open the door and threw a containment net over him as he tried to run past them. Within moments he was incapacitated.
As they carried him out his eyes landed on me. They narrowed and he let out a menacing growl.
“I’d say you’ve made a new friend,” The Man said, handing me a business card with a number on it and nothing else.
“What’s this for?” I said.
“If you come across any more creatures of such a mythical nature, give me a call. Maybe we can help with the capture of the next one.”
“Are you nuts? You saw that thing. It’s huge and it wants to kill me.”
“And yet here you are, very much alive,” he reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. “And very wealthy.”
I peered at the check and then back at him.
He grinned. “Might I suggest you not spend too much and raise suspicions?”
“So, you would pay me this much for each one of these things I found?”
He nodded.
“And you would help me catch it?”
He nodded again.
“Looks like you’ve bought yourself a park ranger,” I said offering my hand.
He shook it.
“Pleasure doing business with you,” he said then turned and walked away.
***
Temptation is a terrible thing. I was tempted to buy a brand-new Ferrari and drive it to work just to shove it in the noses of the idiots who made fun of me. But then I realized that success is the best revenge. If I could nab another creature or two, I could buy my own little island and retire. I’m thinking maybe Hawaii.
My ‘investigation’ into the bear trap took me to a place where I’ve heard there’s been some trouble lately with missing hikers. Not that I really cared about the hikers. In this park I think we should rename the trails for which cryptid hunts on it. That way when these hikers ignore the warnings and blunder into the dens of these dangerous creatures, they’ll only have themselves to blame.
I’m thinking maybe I can make my job easier by buying the land that has the cryptid I’m looking for and then clearcut all the trees so it has no place to hide. I know what you're thinking, it would just run away to another spot. Not the way I would clear-cut. Start with a hundred machines on the outside of the property and work our way into the center so it has nowhere to go.
As I scanned around the land and daydreamed a hiker came running up to me.
“Please, you need to help me,” she said.
“What’s the problem?” I said feeling less than interested.
“My husband and brother, they were attacked.”
“By an animal?”
She lowered her eyes.
“I don’t really know what it was. It seemed… unnatural.”
My ears perked up and I became laser-focused on helping this poor woman.
“Don’t worry, Ma’am. Show me where it happened and I’ll take care of it.”
"Thank God," she said as we started down the trail. "I was worried you wouldn't believe me."
"Trust me, ma'am. I want to find out what happened as much as you do."
