So, this is actually chapter number 23. Yea I know the page says chapter one but trust me it’s not lol. I have started this book over more times than I can count. Thinking about what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. Than someone said to me.” just write it, and don’t care about your spelling or your grammar, all that can be fixed, just start writing”. Thank you, Ton’e Brown.
I decided to name the book #Mindset. I choose that title because going through so much in 2018 and 2019, I knew something had to change. I knew to have a better year, not even a great year, but a better year, I had to change somethings up. I knew I had to grow mentally and to do that, I had to focus on my mindset. I wanted to be more faithful with my bible studies and spending time with God. I mean I was trying to do a complete overhaul of myself, my brand, my character, my attitude. The more I tried to change somethings the more I found I had resistance to change. Not so much from anyone else, but from me. I became my biggest competition, my biggest doubter, my biggest fear of change component. Many times, we are so worried about others on the outside, being a danger to us, but the real fight is against the enemy in you; En-a-me. It is a shame that we can defeat ourselves out of our own growth. Self-doubt is one of the biggest reasons people will not and cannot change in life. I read a blog by Henrik Edberg titled “13 powerful ways to overcome self-doubt (so you can finally move forward in life). William Shakespeare says, “Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” Wow, do you need to read that again, go ahead I will wait.... I mean Shakespeare said our doubts are traitors. What is a traitor ... a traitor is “a person who betrays a friend, a principle, a country etc... double crosser. Have you ever thought of yourself as a traitor? Sometimes we are quick to call someone a traitor when we think they have wronged us or did something against us that could cause us harm. But have you ever thought of yourself as a traitor? A person that is in the inner you are working against you, to keep you from the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt. That was exactly what I was fighting against for my personal grow
I took some time off to work with some issues with me. I sought counsel and that was different. And I’ll talk about that later. But after my divorce from my wife and all the other things going on in my life, I had to separate to learn to relate with me. I did not like me, and I didn’t like my direction. But before I get too far off track let’s talk about this blog, I read from Mr. Henrik Edberg. In his blog he listed 13 powerful ways to overcome self-doubt (so you can finally move forward in life). Let us look at those
When that self-doubt even begins to start, quickly recognize it and say STOP! NO NO NO, we are not going Down that road again. “By doing this you can disrupt your thought pattern and stop that inner self-doubt from taking over”.
Look to the past and awash yourself in the memories
“Be real with yourself (I like this part. Be real with yourself) and ask yourself:
How many times when I doubted myself or feared something would happen did that negative thing come into reality after I still took action?” Probably not many times at all right? Yea this is me asking you this question...sorry. But really, how many times when you doubted yourself did the negative thing you was doubting happen to you. Henrick says that if you look to the past and see how well things have gone many times despite those self-doubts then it became easier to let go of them or to ignore them and to focus on the more likely positive outcome and to take action. It then becomes you shifting your energy to believe in yourself and not just inside out outside factors surrounding you.
Talk to someone about it
“When you keep your thoughts on the inside, they can become distorted, exaggerated and not very much in line with reality or reasonable expectations”
Ha this is where I will tell my story that I told you I would get back to. I am going to be very transparent in some of my comments here so do not judge me. Well I am putting it in a book, so I obviously do not care what you judge. So, the separation from my wife was very damn difficult despite what some may say. There was days when I felt paralyzed to move. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to hang with my friends. I barely wanted to see my parents, and from my girls, my daughters, I damn near all but avoided them. The only thing I wanted to do, and I didn’t want to do this, was go to work and come home and pass out. That process was overwhelming and my emotions some days was to much to bear. Loss of apetite, loss of energy, and wanting to be alone was my new normal. Crying some nights till my pillow was soaked was like sitting in a hot sauna. Walking into work everyday, knowing I had to put on a face that was taking me out of my character was a challenge each and every day. My temperament was short, my emotions stayed on high, and some of my decisions were questionable. When night at work, I had a total breakdown in my breakroom. I ended up leaving work, after I opened up to my manager what was going on. I had a hour long drive home from work, and all the way home, I aint going to lie, I had several bad thoughts. But I am so thankful the Lord kept me that night. I knew I had to see someone, I knew I couldn’t continue on the same path.
I decided to seek counsel. I knew there was somethings, some attitudes, some dysfunctions in my personality that I had to fix, I had to conquer, I had to change. I remember when I called the help line at work because it was a service we could use that would allow our insurance to pay for so many sessions of a counselor, I hung up on the lady that answered the phone at least 3 times before I could even ask for the next step or a counselors name. Hell, on the third time she called me back. I forgot everyone has caller ID now. So, I make the appointment and I am at my first visit. I walk into the office and check in. There are two other people in the office. The clerk says may I help you and I lean all the way to the other side of the desk where she is sitting and I say “ I have a 1230 appt.” in my very quiet inner voice, sounding like a mouse. She cracks a smile and says ok I got you. I just wanted to keep things quiet you know, because the office was quiet. I felt like she knew I was a little embarrassed by the way I checked in, besides she whispered back and said, “I got you”. Cool I thought. I had my hat pulled down on my head, I parked deep in the parking lot, I was dressed casual not to draw attention to me, so I was just being discreet. I sat there in that cozy waiting area, talking myself out of keeping my appointment. I probably went through more mind changes than Peyton Manning did when he would call audibles. (Football fans will get that), but I stayed. Plus, the clerk said I got you. Well at 1230 it was my time for the appointment. She slides that window open and says DERRON ROWAN YOUR COUNSELOR WILL SEE YOU NOW. I thought what the hell is wrong with you lady. I mean I thought you said you had me. I looked up and the other people in the office did not pay me any mind, they were dealing with their own issues that brought them there. So, I head back to the office to meet my counselor, when I walk in, it was a man, dressed in up to date fashion, shoes were designer, and he did not have a ring on his finger, yes I noticed all that, and he sat with his legs crossed looking at me. So, as he is going thru all the preliminary stuff like name, work, address, etc., I am scoping the office. I do not see any family pics, no male or female pics, and no damn ring. Just a bunch of books and a Facebook icon on his computer. At this point I just decided I waisted an hour. I was not telling him nothing. So, we literally sat there for a good 45 minutes. Yes, he asked questions but after a while he was like Derron, if you do not talk, I can’t help. I was like dude I am not teling you jack. To be judged by a man, to be exposed, to be thought of as a weak man. Nah my brother, just bill my insurance and collect this easy check. I was not about to let him put me on some meds, and label me. This childish behavior of mine lasted one more session, then I finally started to talk to him after some reassurances from him. You know what, it was helpful. I was really able to deal with some issues that was laying dormant in my life, but was holding me captive at the same time. We talked, I cried, we talked I sobbed, we talked, I laughed, we talked, I healed. Henrick Edberg says “just letting them out and saying them out loud can offer to help you to hear how exaggerated these thoughts have become, and by talking about those doubts with someone that is supportive you can get a change of perspective”. I can honestly say I benefitted from the counselor. I just let it all out. I was like judge me if you want but I need to make a change in my life and you about to earn every penny. Now for my men, that thinks going to see a counselor is a sign of weakness. I would now say, not going to see a counselor is a sign of weakness. Some of us use the barber chair and the folks in it as a counseling session, it’s far from it, but it is fun. Some of use our boys that sat around with us as counselors, look it’s not the same. Fellows barbershop talk while draped with the cape is not a counselling session. Although it is comedy. Look seeking help did not make me any less of a man, nor did it take my man card. But just the opposite, I was able to find somethings in me that pushed me back on track to becoming the man that I need to be, the man I was attended to be, the man I wanted to be. I was able to find out somethings about me that was dormant and then I found out some things about me that I had to kill. I had some demons that I had to be delivered from. So, go and talk to someone men if you must, you are still a MAN. But are you the man you want to be? A man that you deserve, that others deserve.
Clap for yourself
Do not get stuck in the comparison trap:
“If you compare yourself to other people all too often to their successes and especially to their high light reels that they share on social media then self-doubt can quickly creep up”. Omg isn’t that the truth. How many times do you see someone post something and be like dang they got it going on? They seem to have everything so together, like they don’t have a care in the world. I mean honestly you cannot help but to admire some people, even if you don’t have a jealous bone in your body, always seeing someone win can be exhausting. Especially if you always try and compare yourself to them. Henrick warns against this and simply says to “compare yourself against yourself to see how far you have come”. Do this to see how you have grown as an adult and as a human being. Did you have parents that would mark your growth chart against the wall. Then weekly they would say come here, let’s see how much you have grown. If you moved an inch or even stayed in the same growth mark, it was ok, it was just seeing how much you grew. The same can be done in our adult lives, we can use factors, indicators, milestones, to mark our growth. Take note on where we are and how we feel, and then use as reflections. Not to challenge ourselves, but just to see our areas of growth, and stagnation.
5. Keep a Journal.
I did this for myself from the advice of my counselor. Keeping a journal allowed me to keep my focus and reflect on how the day went overall. I used the journal to manage my growth and my weaknesses in areas. But this only works if you are honest with yourself
Remember that people don’t cares that much about what you do or say:
“When you worry about what others may think or say if you do something then the self-doubt-can quickly become stronger and you get stuck in inaction and in fear” I refer to my story of when I went to the counselor’s office. I was so embarrassed to even make the phone call at first, thank God the clerk called me back after I hung up on her for three times. Then I would had missed my blessing if the people in the counselor office cared as much about me as I thought they did, I would had walked out that office and never went to a session, only delaying my path to healing and re-branding.
What someone said or did might not be about you (or about what you think it is)
“You don’t know everything that is going on in another person’s life. And the world doesn’t revolve around you”. Just like yo mama use say “boy/girl the world will go on without you, it still spins”. So be careful so you don’t misinterpret and build blame and doubt within without any reason.
Get a boost of optimism
“Let someone else’s enthusiasm, motivation and constructive optimism flow over to you” I had to switch up what I was watching, listening too, and interacting with. I mean negative energy is contagious just like positive energy. I remember when we lived in a very nice affluent neighborhood and everyone’s grass was matriculate. I remember we had a new family that moved in the middle of me and another neighbor. The new homeowners did not take as good of care with their yard as I did and the other neighbor. I mean cutting twice a week, shrubs once a month, applying the right amount of grass fertilizer, edging, I mean it all, heck I even had to start putting my mower in the shop during the off-season because my neighbors said I needed my blades sharpened to help the blades of grass look uniformed. Well i remember one Saturday morning I overheard the two neighbors exchanging words. The elder neighbor was telling the newer neighbor that his lack of treating and taking care of his own yard was making it hard on him and me to take care of our yards. The newer neighbor said how? So, the elder neighbor politely told him that bad grass spreads just like a cold or a virus. If left untreated it spreads. He showed him how his grass at the grass line of the new neighbor’s yard was not looking like a commercial anymore but instead was looking a lot like his, Untreated, unhealthy, and honestly ugly. the newer neighbor understood and from then on, put more effort into his yard than I did, but the point was made. Now isn’t that a lot like what we deal with on human level basis. How people’s bad attitudes and bad experiences and negative energy can spew into our lives if we are not careful and let things go untreated, and they become unhealthy.
See a setback as temporary
See a setback as temporary Henrick says “this way of looking at things can trap you in thinking that there’s no point in continuing to take action”. “Remember you are not a failure just because you failed, setbacks happen to everyone who takes chances, it is simply a part of living life fully” Henrick explains.
I have always been a risk taker and I have failed many many times in business ventures. I would encourage you to take notes or the use the journal to document what is happening or what you just experienced. This will help you in each test you take and fail and sometimes you will win. But i think it’s important to say for me at least. You don’t know if you don’t try. There is a vision in each of us, there is greatness in each of us, there is a higher calling in each of us. But if you don’t try you will never know. Then one day, you’re going to say, I wish i would had at least tried. Give me 100 failures at trying then one regret at saying i played it safe all my life, but I wish.
Sharpen your skills
Use some of your free time to strengthen your weaknesses. Be honest with yourself and hone your vices. Listen to podcast, attend seminars, watch some YouTube videos. Find a way to make your skill set stronger so when you need that skill set you see as a weakness; it will be strong and confident when called upon.
Don’t beat yourself up about it.
“I have found that being kind and constructive when feeling self-doubt is a better choice. So, I use kind and understanding words towards myself but i also ask myself. What is one very small step i can take to move forward in this situation? Then i take a very small step and start to step by step move towards where i want to go”.
I like this because if you don’t encourage yourself who will at times. The gospel song by “Donald Lawrence “Sometimes you must encourage yourself, sometimes you have to speak victory over yourself. Sometimes you have to encourage yourself in the Lord. We all need it sometimes and if you don’t have that support system then do it yourself, be your biggest cheerleader.
Celebrate that small step and win
“It may be a small one but it’s still a win. So, celebrate”
Let me ask you a question “who the hell decided what your win looks like? Who the hell told you that what you are using to measure a win is not deep enough, what? I had to learn that I decide what my win looks like. I decided what my finish line looks like. I decided on what small steps I would celebrate. I think that’s part of our issues at times and why we get so discouraged is because we create these huge gaps for our victories and when we can’t reach them based on some unrealistic expectations. we get down on ourselves and guess what, self-doubt creeps. A step is a foot, and to make any progress you must take one step at a time. If you want to celebrate each step, then celebrate each step. Then celebrate the next two steps, the next four steps, and so on. My point is to make your own finish line, make your victory one that you can see growth and abundance.
This is you having #BeliefMindset. Believe in yourself, believe in your plan, believe that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you
Remember: you can course-correct along the way.
“Trying to plan every move you will make on journey towards a goal or dream can become draining and lead to quite a bit of self-doubt”. But this is your journey, we can develop a #BeliefMindset, remember to believe in yourself, even if no one else will. Remember you can do all things thru Christ that strengthens you. Living life doesn’t come with a blue print to get us from point A to point B without any difficulties, or hard times. It doesn’t come with a recipe for cooking up the right amount of good times in our lives that keeps us safe from failure. No, we must believe that we are more than our circumstances, that as we live and we learn, our path can change, and life is quite fluid. The author of your life is you, and you have the power to write in your own auto-correct. You know how you can type into your phone and the phone tries to out smart you and auto correct what it thinks you mean. This can be quite frustrating cant it. But have you taken control over your phone settings and changed what words are in the phones power to change thru auto-correct? Well you have the same power in your life and in your mindset. We have the power as the author of our story to change what we can auto correct along this action called living a life. We have the power to auto correct negativity into positivity, we have the power to change the feeling of anxiety into calm, we have the power to auto correct our mistakes into new beginning, we have the power to auto correct our fears into courage. We have that power. You have that power, I have that power. Change the settings in your mind to auto correct disbelief into a #BeliefMindset. Change self-doubt auto correct into I can achieve. Change the lazy mindset into auto correct of industrious. Change the failing mindset into an auto correct of success and achievement.
We cannot move forward with the old thinking that kept us stuck in the muddy season of our lives. Break free of those habits, those thought patterns, those actions, those moments when you doubted yourself and all the great things that God said you could have.
“Belief in yourself is one of the greatest tools you can develop”