When you have been abused and bullied for much of your life, can you raise an emotionally healthy child? What if that child becomes abusive himself?
From an early age, my son, Seth, hit me on a regular basis. Because of my history, our interactions triggered me – to the point I began doubting I had the emotional strength to raise Seth successfully – but I knew I needed to push through those fears and stop the cycle of abuse that had been plaguing our family for generations.
I learned much later that Seth wasn't trying to hurt anyone. He is autistic. He felt at odds with the world around him and didn't know how to express his discomfort any other way. Regardless, I knew I needed to help him find more effective ways to communicate and release his frustrations.
With patience, persistence – and a lot of trial and error – I found ways to get through to Seth that dissolved his anger and helped him become the “Buddha-like” young man he is today. In turn, Seth motivates me to continue processing my own past, which is helping me grow into the person I was always meant to be.
When you have been abused and bullied for much of your life, can you raise an emotionally healthy child? What if that child becomes abusive himself?
From an early age, my son, Seth, hit me on a regular basis. Because of my history, our interactions triggered me – to the point I began doubting I had the emotional strength to raise Seth successfully – but I knew I needed to push through those fears and stop the cycle of abuse that had been plaguing our family for generations.
I learned much later that Seth wasn't trying to hurt anyone. He is autistic. He felt at odds with the world around him and didn't know how to express his discomfort any other way. Regardless, I knew I needed to help him find more effective ways to communicate and release his frustrations.
With patience, persistence – and a lot of trial and error – I found ways to get through to Seth that dissolved his anger and helped him become the “Buddha-like” young man he is today. In turn, Seth motivates me to continue processing my own past, which is helping me grow into the person I was always meant to be.
Originally, this book was going to be a parenting guide discussing the disciplinary techniques I used to help my angry, aggressive child become the “Buddha-like" young man he is today. However, at some point during the writing process, it occurred to me that I don't have the authority to advise parents in any kind of “official” capacity. I really wanted to share my experiences, but I didn’t want to present myself as a child-rearing “expert.” I got discouraged and stopped writing.
Then it dawned on me that I am an expert on my own experiences – the only expert, in fact. So I changed the title of the book, rewrote several sections, and turned Mending Together, Building Together into a memoir (combined with pertinent educational content – and a lot of humor). In these pages, I share the struggles and triumphs of raising a child with unrecognized autism spectrum disorder, who challenged me in just about every way possible.
I was a victim of childhood abuse, neglect, and bullying, and as a result, developed complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or “C-PTSD,” and other mental health issues.
From a young age, my son, Seth, was full of rage and physical aggression, and I was concerned he was on the road to becoming a bully himself. There were times I felt so triggered by his behavior, I doubted my ability to handle him, but I was not going to raise a bully.
Because traditional disciplinary techniques like rewards and punishments had no impact on Seth’s behavior, I had to think creatively. Through trial and error, I found ways to get through to Seth that fostered open communication and trust, and as a result, Seth and I have an incredibly close relationship, and he is comfortable in his own skin – most of the time.
In turn, Seth motivates me to work even harder on my own healing, which has helped me break through tough intergenerational trauma, cultivate more self-compassion, and grow into the person I was always meant to be.
In other words, Seth and I have been mending (our past) and building (the future)…together.
Cue the Dragnet opening theme… and prepare yourself for references to other classic TV shows, songs, and commercials. (I apologize in advance.)
“The names have been changed to protect the innocent.”
(aka, “Seth” is not my son’s real name – but he came up with it. I use other pseudonyms as well.)
Because this book is about both of us, I asked Seth to be involved in the writing process. He was very eager to do so. To that end, he prepared several comments (which are labeled as “Seth Says”) to express his own point of view on various topics.
Note: I only mention Seth’s father occasionally because we separated when Seth was only five. Seth’s father provides the majority of his financial support, and the two of them are very close, but Mending Together, Building Together is about my personal experiences raising Seth and the influence my C-PTSD and family history have had on both of us. Seth’s relationship with his father is private and not part of this memoir.
Seth-isms
As I was writing, Seth voiced a concern that so many pages about serious topics might make some readers feel uncomfortable. He’s not wrong. Some of the material in this memoir is heavy stuff. He suggested I give readers “breaks.” Breaks often help him when he’s feeling overwhelmed, and I imagine others might feel the same, so I have included appropriate quotes, “Seth-isms” and a smattering of groan-worthy puns throughout the book.
Seth has always had a unique way of looking at the world. I have dubbed his nuggets of wisdom and (often unintentional) strokes of comic genius, “Seth-isms.” Like this one:
Seth-ism: Age 11 months
My family and I were at a restaurant one afternoon many years ago. When the waitress came to take our order, she noticed Seth’s sippy cup was near the edge of the table. Not wanting Seth (or anyone else) to accidentally knock it over, she moved the cup to the middle of the table.
Dismayed, Seth locked eyes with the waitress for a moment, and then, without blinking, stretched out his arm, and pulled his cup back to where it was. Everyone who witnessed the moment nearly fell out of their chairs!
Not even a year old, and he already had impeccable comic timing.
Now that that’s settled, I’d like to introduce you to what complex PTSD is, and how the lasting effects of trauma affect your physiology, not just your psyche. Before we get into that, however, I want to clarify something. Unlike Dr. McCoy of Star Trek fame, I am a layperson, not a doctor. The educational content I provide in the next chapter, and throughout this book, was carefully researched, using reliable sources. I confirmed the accuracy of that information by comparing what I read with my own experiences.
The observations and musings I make along the way are strictly my own. If you would rather skip the “science-y” stuff in the next chapter, that is completely up to you, but I think it’s helpful to understand what drives complex PTSD before I tell my personal story.
If you just want to get to the part about how I raised Seth, skip to Chapter 6. I won’t complain. Much.
Mending Together, Building Together is an engaging blend of memoir and scientific research, culminating in a multi-layered text. Rachel Zirkin Duda’s conversational tone (often directly addressing readers) facilitates fluent reading, while the meticulous cross-referencing ensures easy navigation.
Content warnings alert the audience to traumatic events in Zirkin Duda’s childhood, their legacy affecting the parenting of her son and co-author Seth Duda. ‘Lessons learned’ sections reveal the personal insight, self-compassion and wisdom gained by Zirkin Duda’s formidable gut instincts, which were regularly supported by subsequent copious research. Her struggle for empowerment makes the story relatable: experiences of shame, despair and grief are sadly too common as a human condition. She deserves ‘a soft place to land after so many years of turmoil’.
Shadow work is evident and enables both authors to relate their lives without judgement, from a place of acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. This story is imbued with the unbreakable love of a mother for her child, as well as with the actualisation of hard-fought-for self-love.
Zirkin Duda does not allow others’ criticism to diminish her mother’s intuition regarding the parenting of her ‘neuro-spicy’ child. Instinctively knowing what is right for Seth leads to intrinsic rewards such as Seth ‘standing up for kids who didn’t have their own voice’. Lots of ‘don’t know’ moments do not stop the search for solutions to discipline with love – always love. Additionally, the role of epigenetics is explored in depth, utilised as a tool for ‘breaking [her] family’s intergenerational chain of trauma and abuse’.
A good sense of humour from both authors is amply displayed. Seth’s puzzles, cleverly integrated and revealed at the end, encourage the reader to revisit the text. Minor errors in grammar and punctuation sometimes affect readability, however, they do not detract from the powerful content. The cover of the book features ‘Kintsugi … the Japanese art of repairing damaged pottery, filling the cracks with gold to symbolically embrace imperfections’. This practice evidently resonates with Zirkin Duda’s awareness that ‘mental health care isn’t about fixing something that’s broken’. Accepting perceived deficiencies within the wholeness of a person is a key strong theme of her life.
It is clear from comments about the writing process that the book’s form changed as Zirkin Duda wrote it. The audience reaps the benefits in this tenderly told memoir, every aspect of which invites the reader in.