Katrina Calm is starting a new chapter, living with the mother she thought sheâd lost forever. The life she once knew is in the rearview mirror, leaving behind a journey she never expected. Her close bond with Junior and Summerâthe Howlitesâhas unraveled, and her relationship with her dad feels like a distant memory.
As she begins her freshman year of high school, worry thoughts creep back in as the Trist sisters are determined to make her life miserable. On top of that, unsettling letters start arriving, threatening to pull Katrina back into the spiral of anxiety sheâs fought so hard to escape.
As secrets come to light and Katrinaâs world shifts in ways she never expected, will she find the strength to hold it togetherâor will the pressure break her? Step into Katrinaâs second chapter and uncover a story of courage, coping, and the power of finding your inner calmâeven when life feels anything but.
Katrina Calm is starting a new chapter, living with the mother she thought sheâd lost forever. The life she once knew is in the rearview mirror, leaving behind a journey she never expected. Her close bond with Junior and Summerâthe Howlitesâhas unraveled, and her relationship with her dad feels like a distant memory.
As she begins her freshman year of high school, worry thoughts creep back in as the Trist sisters are determined to make her life miserable. On top of that, unsettling letters start arriving, threatening to pull Katrina back into the spiral of anxiety sheâs fought so hard to escape.
As secrets come to light and Katrinaâs world shifts in ways she never expected, will she find the strength to hold it togetherâor will the pressure break her? Step into Katrinaâs second chapter and uncover a story of courage, coping, and the power of finding your inner calmâeven when life feels anything but.
August 25th
BOOM. My heart pounded louder than an earthquake, shaking me to my core.
BOOM. The chairs around me in the theater where I won my first-place medal started to blur.
BOOM. My mother⊠My mother, whom I believed to be dead for most of my life, stood directly in front of me. It had to be a ghost. This could not be real.
BOOM. My best friends, Summer and Junior, were picking up pieces of the broken camera near my dadâs feet, the echo of the brake still resonating in my ears. I slowly lifted my gaze up at my dadâs eyes, attempting to focus on the one person who I believed I could trust with my life. His face, pale and marked by disbelief, mirrored the confusion within me.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. These last several heart beats sent shockwaves throughout my body. Questions started to flood in with each rapid breath that I drew in.
How is this possible? Why would my dad lie to me for all these years? How could I ever trust him again? Did he ever consider the emotional toll this would take on me when I found out? Did he think I would never find out?
Welp, the secret is out now. I then turned to my mother, still in complete awe at the woman in front of me.
I may not know why she left, but why would she come back now?
Why, after all this time?
âKatrinaâŠOh, my little Daisy. You look so beautiful and grownââ
Before she could finish, I fell over, smacking my head on the ground. As my body hit the floor, everything in my line of sight disappeared, and my vision went black.
***
One and a half years later
Hi! My name is Katrina Calm, and my last name was the opposite of how I was feeling. Iâd just woken up from a nightmareâexcept, plot twistâit wasnât just a dream. This might come as a shock, but that terrible nightmare? It was a memory. A real one, from over a year ago at the seventh-grade talent show.
âAHHHH!â I screamed.
My first day of high school was today, and I was supposed to be up and out the door by now! I shouldâve left one hour ago! Yes. I know. A year and a half has passed, and Iâve got a ton to fill you in on. Brace yourself; itâs like a Webflix series you wonât want to miss.
As I scrambled out of bed searching for the clothes I picked out last night, I stated my affirmations.
I am going to be okay.
I can do this.
I am calm.
I filled my lungs with fresh air and slowly exhaled out. I swiftly regained focus, finding my outfit for the first day of high school that was about to be half over. I glanced over at the mirror; the sight of my unruly, frizzy hair made me want to let out another frustrated yell. As I sat down and grabbed my hairbrush, I bumped over my favorite picture perched on the shelf supporting the mirror. I placed the picture back up, noticing how lovely and radiant my mother and I looked. It was taken the day I moved in with her one year ago.
I reached for my uPhone with shaky arms and dialed my mother. Please pick up. Please pick up. Welp, no answer. My stomach churned as I quickly tapped the number for the café where she worked mornings, hoping someone would actually answer this time.
âMom! Please do not be mad, but my alarm didnât go off, and I need a ride to school.â
âKatrina, I am only one of two workers on shift right now. Let me think.â
âI am freaking out right now. Can I skip? Please, please, please,â I begged.
âAbsolutely not. I will call you a Teen Taxi.â
âNuh-Uh. Are those even safe?â
âDaisy Girl, Teen Taxis have a 5-star rating on transporting teens safely, surpassing Zoomer and PickUp. I will order one for you now. Be ready in five minutes. Call me if you need anything else. Oh, and Kay? You are going to finish this day strong. Take a deep breath, seize the day, and donât forget what I always say: Manners always matter, so even if you are extra stressed out today, still be polite to everyone.â
When the Teen Taxi arrived, I grabbed my lavender jacket and overloaded purple backpack. The twenty minutes it took to reach Mountain View High School felt like an eternity. Instead of giving into my anxieties, I thought this would be a great time to catch you up on a few things. Let me start by sharing why I have been dreading showing up on my first day of high school: I was terrified of running into my friends, Junior Nguyen and Summer Hill. Welp, we used to be best friends⊠But we drifted apart last year, and now I donât know where we stand.
Summer, Junior, and I remained best friends until the night before my first day of eighth grade. Leading up to that day, I had been obsessing over a major decision. I found myself torn between my dad, with whom I had lived my whole life, and my newfound mother. Ruby Calm, whom I had believed to be dead for years, had shown me a sincere commitment to remain a part of my world. She proved time after time that she wanted a second chance at being a mother.
My dad, Grant Calm, was always the one who could ease away all my anxieties. He guided me through them, teaching me new coping strategies and providing unwavering support as a single parent. That all changed the day my mom made her surprise appearance after the seventh-grade talent show. I had so many questions for him. So many questions for her. It was just completely overwhelming.
I explained this to my friends, but they didnât understand. After I decided to live with my mom, things with Junior and Summer started to change. We hung out less and less, and eventually, we just didnât. By summer, we werenât talking at all. The anxiety Iâd carried since the talent show had shaken me to my core, and the panic attacks were overwhelming. Focusing on my mom felt like the only thing I could do. Moving in with her shifted everything, and for the first time in a long while, I finally felt calm again.
Okay, letâs get back to the Teen Taxi ride. As the car pulled up to the high school front doors, my heart began to throb. I pinched the bridge of my nose, contemplating the idea of running back home. I always pinched this part of my nose whenever I was thinking, anxious, or both. I glanced at my wrist and stretched a new bubble gum pink wristband. This one, when un-stretched, made the shape of a dogâa reminder of my dog, Nebula, whom I donât see much anymore. As I looked at the giant school doors, I started to picture myself tripping into garbage cans, getting called mean names, bumping into my ex-friends, throwing up in aâ
âEarth to girl. We are at your destination, and I have lots of other rides to pick up.â
âSorry, my mistake. Iâm just⊠all over the place today,â I admitted, rubbing my temples. âI was thinking about all the scary things my dayâs going to bring and how Iâd rather skip ahead to graduation tomorrow.â
âWant some advice, kid? High school is the best and fastest four years of your life. Donât wish for any of it to speed up.â The driver stepped out of the car, courteously opening the door for meâI caught the hint. âGood luck in there.â
That driver must have been one of those popular kids: confident, likable, and likely captain of at least two sports. I, on the other hand, was shy, awkward, and terrified of meeting new people. As the doors of Mountain View High School approached, a vision of me tripping into a garbage can flashed through my brain. Iâve been calling these memories that quickly pop into my head flash-visions. Itâs a flashback to the past memory, but flash-vision sounds way cooler.
Before another flash-vision showed up, I glanced at a beautiful oak tree that was in front of the school. By the looks of the thick trunk, the tree must have been almost one hundred years old. Most of the leaves on the tree were vibrant lime green. Several leaves had a tint of yellow on them, reminding me that summer was ending and fall was on its way. A cool breeze came over me and rustled the leaves in every direction. The sound was calming and relaxed my mind. I took one last deep breath and entered the bustling halls.
The front office handed me a pass to fourth hour, saying my mother had called ahead. Recalling her advice on manners, I thanked them and headed to my locker to grab my books. Over the summer, Iâd spent hours at Mountain View High during orientation, memorizing my class locations to avoid getting lost on my first day. I also organized my books from first to last hour, a habit that helped me manage my anxiety and made it easy to grab my books for freshman English. Little did I know, waking up late would be my real problem.
Before closing my locker, I glanced at the only picture hanging insideâa snapshot of my boyfriend and me. August Hill, Summerâs brother, and I had been dating off and on since eighth grade. Junior and Summer may have drifted apart from me, but Auggy grew closer. He had been a shoulder to lean on ever since the talent show. Wild, right? I warned you earlierâthereâs so much to catch you up on.
Freshman English class was just ten feet away. Pictures of classic novel covers lined the walls, but I couldnât name a single one. I tried reading the titles, but the words started to blur. This wasnât because I needed glasses; my vision was 20/20. My heart started pounding, and my focus began to slip. Those were signs my anxiety was skyrocketing.
I felt the tingling in my hands, and I knew a panic attack was coming. Before it could take over, I touched my wristband and took two slow inhales, then exhaled a long breath. I focused on the small details around me, like the sign that read Welcome, Mr. Clover, and the crisp edges of the posters on the wall. The simple act of grounding myself in the present moment started to ease the weight pressing on my chest.
I opened the door with a shaky hand. As I entered the doorway, a strap on my backpack got caught on the doorknob. My body flung backwards as I almost fell to the floor. I miraculously caught my balance before making a complete fool out of myself.
Two girls in the classroom exchanged glances, bursting into laughter. One of them was Lea Trist, my archenemy and bully from seventh grade, and the other was her sister, Raven. Both were in the same grade because their birthdays were only ten months apart. Raven had never bothered me much until my karate routine beat her singing act at the seventh-grade talent show. After that night, Raven became more of a pain in my side than her sister. This was unexpected, especially since I had inadvertently broken Leaâs emerald necklace at the Winter Breeze Formal, a precious heirloom from her mother who passed away. Despite Leaâs hurtful letters, mean comments, and occasional attempts to trip me over the years, I found myself overwhelmed with remorse after that night.
I never in a million years wanted to be stuck in the same class with both of them. As the realization sank in, a heavy weight settled in my stomach. My steps faltered, each one heavier than the last as if the weight of their presence bore down on me. This was precisely why I dreaded coming to school.
âMs. Calm, p-p-p-pleasure to meet you. M-M-My name is Mr. Clover. Please, sit down in any of the open⊠spots.â He wiped off the nervous sweat off his forehead.
As I scanned the room, I noticed three seats were available. Two in the front row and one in the back. Raven and Lea were closer to the front, which made my seat choice easy until Raven chimed in, âMs. Calm, come sit in the front by me. I remember from last year how much you loved the front row.â
Sarcasm filled the air, as my face became bright red. I was too nervous to make a scene, so I picked up my backpack. I looked at the fox on the front, which gave me a small touch of calm. I loved foxes; I did not love the front row. As I was about to sit down, someone saved me.
âKatrina, come sit back here by me,â Clyde Winchester kindly suggested. I took his offer without hesitation. As I walked past the Trist sisters, I could hear them whisper.
âDo you see her fox backpack? Is she still in sixth grade?â Raven giggled while adjusting her stylish, name-brand snowboard hat. She sported beautiful pitch-black hair, complemented by a stylish jean jacket worn open over a gray hoodie. Her dark hair matched her charcoal pants that had rips on both of her knees. It also matched her dark soul.
âOMG, I agree⊠I canât even.â Lea grinned. Her gorgeous hair was exceptionally blonde, illuminated by the sunlight streaming through the window. It cascaded down to her right side, gathered in a braided ponytail. She was wearing an exclusive, designer sweatshirt that matched her sisterâs. The only difference was the font of the logo. She had a pink luxury purse sitting next to her trendy shoes. Lea always had a new, overpriced purse next to her.
âThanks for the save,â I whispered to Clyde as I sat down next to him. Clyde was a popular sophomore, already starting quarterback for the football team, with the most attractive blond hair Iâd ever seen. He wore a lettermanâs jacket with a huge blue and white âMVâ on it, representing Mountain View. The only thing he needed to work on was his study skillsâhe didnât pass freshman English last year. I added, âI didnât expect you to call me over, especially since youâre dating Summer Hill. After last year, Iâm not exactly her biggest fan.â
âLook, Ms. Calm,â Clyde smiled, his easy-going demeanor shining through. âWe may not have talked too much over the years, but weâve been in the same schools since kindergarten. Youâve always been cool with me. And, hey, Summer told me you two drifted apart after your mom came back into your life. Look, I understand what itâs like having a complicated family.â
Before I responded to Clyde I looked up at the front of class. Mr. Clover was stumbling over his words while reading the rubric for the year. He had no idea our conversation was going on. I looked back at Clyde and asked, âSo what do you mean by complicated?â
âLong story short: my dadâs a jerk. He cheated on my mom for years and then left my family in sixth grade. He ditched my older sister and me, leaving us with nothing. I know what it is like to have someone so close lie to your face for years.â
âMr. Winchester!â Mr. Clover interrupted. âW-W-What is going to be due at the end of this se-se-semester?â
âA ten-page paper on our favorite book written in the 60s.â Clyde brushed his hand through his hair and smirked at me.
âWhy, thank you Win-winchester.â Mr. Clover went on about the rubric as Clyde and I continued to quietly chat.
âWow, I canât believe how⊠kind youâre being. Thanks for opening up and making me feel better. I was having a really terrible day until now.â My anxiety had cleared for the time being as I let go of several worried thoughts.
âOf course, Katrina. Iâm here anytime, no cap.â
âCall me Kay.â I smiled. That was one of my last smiles I would make on my first day of high school because things went downhill after fourth hour.
Followed by Mr. Cloverâs class was lunch. The only person I wanted to sit with was August. My stressed eyes looked all over the lunchroom for his black hair with one bold red streak cutting through it, but he was nowhere to be spotted. I noticed at the back of the lunchroom there was an empty table. A flash-vision popped in my head of Junior, Summer, and I laughing uncontrollably. I snapped my wrist band, focusing back to the present moment trying to find an open spot. I looked right, this time seeing Clyde and Summer sitting next to each other. Clydeâs arm was around Summerâs back, covered by her bright, fiery red hair. Summer glanced back at me, gave me a glare, and looked away. Still not finding a seat that was not taken, I looked around and noticed Junior from afar was walking straight for me.
Why is Junior walking towards me?
We havenât talked in so long.
What would he want to talk to me about?
Talking to Junior right now would feel so awkward, and I didnât have the motivation to make small talk. As I continued scanning for more lunch spots, the only open table was the vacant one at the back. The catch was, I couldnât reach it without passing Junior. My heart raced as I pondered what to do.
I am way too anxious right now to have a conversation.
I canât.
I wouldnât.
I am outta here.
I spun a one-eighty and headed straight for the girlâs bathroom outside the lunchroom. I swung the stall door open and sat. I didnât even have to pee. I sat in the chilly bathroom for thirty minutes, picking the skin around my thumb. As I continued to sit, my mind was spiraling, fixating on all the negativesâwaking up late, entering class tardy, getting my backpack caught in the door, and enduring the laughter and glares from my peers. Clydeâs conversation cheered me up a little, but I was still left with two feelingsâemptiness and loneliness.
After the bell chimed, I lingered until the final moments before heading to class. The thought of being the first to enter the room, sitting there in silence, and enduring the awkwardness was too much. I texted August, but he did not reply.
What is he doing?
I really need my boyfriend right now.
August finally came to check on me before homeroom when I was at my locker. âBabe, today has been the longest day ever, am I right? Where were you in the gym today?â
âAuggy, why have you not checked your uPhone? I messaged you like one hundred times this morning! I slept through my alarm and had to sit in the bathroom during lunch. My anxiety has been so high.â Tears started to form in my eyes.
âYou are going to be fine. Youâve been in control of your anxiety more than ever lately,â August stated while kissing me on the cheek. Telling me Iâm going to be fine was not what I needed; what I needed was a big hug.
âBut you are always on your phone.â
âKay, I canât risk getting into trouble this year by having my phone out in classes, so I have been following the rules and keeping it in my locker all day. I caused enough problems last year during my freshman year. You know my mom threatened to put me back in boarding school. Katrina, Iâm never going back to that absurd place.â
âOkay, I get it. Welp, Junior was headed straight for me in the lunchroom, and I panicked.â
âLook, you know I always have your back, but how do you know he even wanted to talk to you? Maybe he was on his way to empty his tray.â
âNo, Auggy! There was no can around me.â
âOkay, okay. Donât get so heated.â
âIâm sorry, it has just been a longââ
âNo worries, Kay. I gotta bail and get to class on time. My homeroom is on the other side of the school, but then we are done for the day! I will call you tonight to chat about hanging this weekend.â
Something was off, but I did not have time to focus on August. I needed to get to class without bumping into Junior. I only talked to Junior a handful of times in eighth grade, and I was not very nice the last time we crossed paths. Hmm, maybe a conversation with Junior wouldnât be as awkward or painful as I imagined.
The last hour of my day was ten minutes of homeroomâa short class where a teacher went over assignment notebooks and gave out reminders. As I walked to homeroom, I passed Damian Beck and Lea Trist making out next to her locker. Damian Beck was my middle school crush, and at the time, I thought he was the love of my life. As I strolled by the PDA couple, I walked by Raven. As I passed her, she pushed her shoulder into me as she left her locker.
âExcuse me!â she hollered, followed by laughter, as she walked to her group of friends.
I do NOT like her.
Who does she think she is?
Sheâs worse than Lea.
Deep breaths, Katrina, deep breaths.
I considered going back to the bathroom, but I had already skipped lunch, and skipping anything else was not an option. Thankfully, feeling a bit stronger, I managed to make it to homeroom. I was not thrilled Summer was there, but at least she didnât bother me. It was then that I realized Mr. Clover, our homeroom teacher, was the same teacher I had earlier that day. He seemed to be having a hard time finding the email he needed to read, and as a result, we barely covered any end-of-day reminders. It appeared that Mr. Cloverâs day mirrored mine.
After homeroom, I was the first one out the door. The end of the day was here, and I was ready to get home and relax to the max. I needed to binge watch a show right now. I grabbed all the books my homework required and shoved them in my fox backpack that I still loved even if others thought it was weird. Weird is the new cool, I thought, and I stuck to the phrase. Glare at me all you want, high schoolers.
I slammed my locker shut, eager to make my way to the front doors where the majestic oak tree stood. As I walked towards the exit, I couldnât help but notice Junior not too far behind. His steps quickened, closing the distance between us. I needed to make a speedy exit. I texted my mother to make sure she was in the car line ready to pick me up as my legs moved faster and faster. I stepped through the high school doors and searched for my momâs vehicle. I spotted it right away, several cars downâit was a heavy-duty white jeep with a red stripe across the side. My mother loved the color red.
Exiting through the grand entrance of Mountain View High, I glanced back to see the massive doors slowly closing. Just before they shut, a hand pushed against them, and Juniorâs slender frame emerged, not far behind me. Junior was not as scrawny as he had been in seventh grade. I decided to make a run for the jeep, not looking back. I glimpsed at the oak tree as I passed, and stuck out my hand, pretending to take in energy for strength. I zoomed between friend groups, not caring if I interrupted any conversations.
Making it to the jeep, I swung open the doors and hollered, âGet me out of here as fast as possible, please!â
âWill try my best, Daisy Girl,â my mom said. She had always called me Daisy Girl since I was little, and she loved using it, especially after we reunited. She fixed her red hair tie and adjusted her scarlet glasses, looking for an opening in traffic. There were only two lanesâone for vehicles to wait and the other to drive away. âOh! Buckle up, I see an opening.â
Hearing those words calmed me. I was free. As my mom cautiously pulled out to the exit lane, Junior sprinted in front of the jeep, extending out his hands as if summoning some invisible power.â
Urgency echoed in his voice as he yelled, âKatrina Lavender Calm! I need to talk to you!â
âEverything is going to be okayâ is the mantra that guides the main character in Fighting to Stay Calm by J. Allen, an honest coming-of-age novel. The story centers on Katrina Calm, a teenage girl trying to heal from the intense anxiety and stress she has been experiencing over the past two years, which includes moving in with her mother after having recently lived with her father for some time, all while facing a world filled with both everyday adolescent experiences, such as beginning high school, and personal struggles, like discovering her boyfriend isnât who he seemed. She begins to reestablish her identity as the story progresses by forming new friendships and regaining trust, all while repeating that key phrase her father used to say to her. With surprising turns and emotional realizations along the way, in the end, she gains the strength to continue (and maybe, just maybe, has discovered a person to share the journey with)âand learning that everything really might be okay.
I think most people experience anxiety from time to time, and reading about Katrinaâs experience in Fighting to Stay Calm by J. Allen made me feel an immediate connection to her. This is a beautifully written (and realistically written through the descriptions of a panic attack) and emotionally honest story that captures the ups and downs of teenage anxiety, identity, and healing with real heart. Katrinaâs inner voice is relatable and provides readers with a bit of comic relief, as seen when she likens her life to a âWebflix series you wonât want to miss.â The way Katrina learns to manage her anxiety using grounding techniques and affirmations, such as her self-talk, saying things like âThis too shall pass. I am happy. Everything will be okay. I am enough,â was realistic and meaningful without ever feeling forced. I appreciated the symbolism of her last name, Calm, and I also loved seeing her relationships grow and shift as she started to rediscover herself. Itâs a powerful, uplifting read that I think teens and adults alike will connect with deeply.
I highly recommend Fighting to Stay Calm to anyone looking for a realistic and heartfelt portrayal of a teenager navigating anxiety, friendship, and first love. Readers who enjoy contemporary YA, character-driven stories, or coming-of-age novels that deal honestly with mental health will find a lot to connect with here. Itâs a moving and uplifting read that reminds us of the power of hope and the healing process.