Eris - July 28, 1987
Every year, for one day a year, Eris, ruler of the underworld, borrowed the body of Astrid, ruler of half a small, two-bedroom apartment and a college student in Austin, TX.
A few years after Eris had been created, she began to wonder what Earth was like. The world through the eyes of those who kept her company was grim. It was dark, depressing. And yet, the majority fought to stay alive, struggling until their last moments. Eris knew there had to be something more, something their memories were missing, a reason for them to continue. So, she decided she would try to live as a human, borrowing the body and memories of a person, one day a year, every year, for the entirety of their life. The eighty or so years she spent doing this would be a drop in the ocean compared to the 1000+ years she was supposed to spend in the underworld.
Her predecessor left her a brief explanation along with notes on humanity, her responsibilities, and what she was capable of. She knew she had the ability to possess the living. She also knew the consequences of doing so.
Nevertheless, she picked out a baby, Astrid, with tiny tufts of red hair and vibrant green eyes to borrow the life of. She didn’t want to hurt the girl. In fact, Astrid had no memories of her possession. She simply lost one day a year (never the same date). At first, this had scared Astrid and her family. She went to hospitals, had scans done, but nothing seemed wrong. And nothing weird seemed to happen on those days. According to her family and friends, she followed her regular schedule, completed homework, and went to work. Psychologists called it a coping mechanism and urged her toward meditation and medication, neither of which worked. Eventually, she gave up, accepting it as part of her.
The first year was dull for Eris. Astrid was too small to do anything but make annoying noises with her mouth. She felt sad, irritated, and tired, but couldn’t understand why. It was warm when she was picked up, cozy when she was cuddled to the chest of the woman who fed her. She closed her eyes a lot, experiencing sleep for the first time.
The second year was better. She could walk on her own and talk using simple words. She was picked up less and hugged less, but she was able to explore more. The world seemed so big from her perspective. Astrid’s memory was better, not great, but good enough that Eris could see into it. Astrid’s mom took her to the park, where she tried the swings for the first time.
Her early childhood was happy, at least from the memories Eris watched and the one day a year she was able to experience the world of the living. Her mom tucked her into bed. Her dad kissed her on the head. They read her stories, had tea parties, took her out to eat, and taught her how to be a good person, a kind one who followed the rules and wanted to help others. Her mom gave birth to three younger siblings, all boys, all of whom Astrid adored.
As Astrid grew up, she grew into herself as well. She graduated high school, shot up to 5 '10, had her first kiss, had her first time, started college, fell in and out of love.
Things changed the year Astrid was twenty-one. She was a senior at the University of Texas at Austin, much to the pride of her parents. She was majoring in journalism and had big dreams of changing the world. She lived in a tiny apartment a few blocks from campus with two roommates—her friend Emilia and Emilia’s brother Adam.
Opening a gate to or from the underworld was not an easy task. Eris took a deep breath, pressed her hand against the wall behind her throne, and thought of Astrid. A hole stretched across the surface, a pitch-black chasm that smelled of warm chocolate. Water was running somewhere inside, interrupted only by a clanking of dishes. She stepped through the hole, unseen by the room’s occupants, and walked toward a flash of red hair. Placing her hand on Astrid’s shoulder, she willed her soul into her body, and Astrid fell into a deep sleep.
Eris took a second to adjust to her surroundings. She sat at the counter in the apartment’s kitchen, a textbook in front of her. Adam stood in front of the sink, rinsing suds off dishes and placing them in a rack to dry. She choked back a gag as the memories from the last year rushed her, images running through her mind as a train runs through scenery, leaving her whiplashed. She groaned as the scenes came to a halt.
In front of her, Adam turned to her, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. She smiled at him.
“Hi,” she said, taking him in.
“Hi?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.
From Astrid’s memories, Eris could tell she had romantic feelings for Adam. Eris didn’t know much about romance or love or even affection. The dead tended to hide their happy memories from her in some misguided attempt to keep her from using them against them, instead focusing on their bitterness, their exhaustion, their sorrow. She didn’t use them in any way. She had no control over what their afterlife looked like. That was based on how they had lived. If anything, she was more of a shepherd, someone to watch over their journey and herd them to the correct places.
She only got flickers of Astrid’s feelings, but she assumed what she experienced was as close to innocent romantic interest as humans were capable of. Her memories of Adam stood out the most among her recent days—her heart pounded when he was close, her pulse fluttered, and she felt warm, almost to the point of discomfort.
Looking at Adam now, she understood. He was rather tall, a good three or four inches over Astrid’s 5’10 frame, with shaggy brown hair and dark blue eyes. He was a medical student, a few years older than Astrid, and starting his residency at a local hospital. The oven beeped, and he pulled out a pan of brownies. He was an excellent baker, according to the memories, and used baking as a way to relieve stress.
Honestly, he was a bit thin for Eris’s taste. He was lean and fit, the opposite of the broad and hairy-chested men on the covers of the romance novels she had sacrificed back to the underworld. Eris winced at the memory of Astrid finding her books in ashes the morning after last year’s visit. In her defense, she had only let the hellfire loose on books Astrid had already read… and a cassette player… and a blanket. The underworld was a rough place, one Eris was desperate to have some form of escape from. If this came in the form of a few AC/DC and David Bowie cassettes, who could really blame her?
Adam plated a brownie and passed it to her. She chewed it slowly, relishing the melt of the chocolate chips on her tongue and the crunch of the walnuts.
“What do you have planned for today?” he asked, his back turned as he grabbed a jug of milk from the fridge.
“My class was canceled today, so I’m not really sure.” A small lie, but she would rather spend the day exploring than cooped up in a lecture hall. “What about you? Are you working a shift?”
“No, I have the next few days off.”
She nodded and thanked him as he handed her a glass of milk.
“Wanna go see a movie?” she asked.
He paused, milk jug in hand, and shot her a confused look. Eris couldn’t blame him. Astrid had spent the last year avoiding him, scared he would notice her crush. Maybe Eris could help her get the ball rolling.
When he didn’t respond, she wiggled her eyebrows at him. “My treat?”
He grinned at her, wide and friendly, and Eris felt Astrid’s heart skip a beat. “How could I say no to that?”
After a quick scan of the daily paper, they decided to see the newest Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, about an alien hunter. Adam grabbed a jacket on the way out the door, prompting a confused look from Eris.
“I don’t think it’ll be able to top Alien,” Adam warned on the three-block walk to the theater.
Astrid hadn’t seen Alien. She mostly watched romance movies and wasn't a fan of gore or aliens or science fiction. And because Astrid hadn’t seen it, Eris hadn’t seen it.
“And why’s that?” she asked with genuine curiosity.
Again, he seemed confused by her interest. Now standing in front of the ticket booth, he paused, eyes narrowing, smile widening. It was like he was examining her, looking at her for the first time.
He launched into a spiel on the differences between the two movies: their directors, casts, atmosphere. He told her why he liked Alien, how his father had let him watch it when he was far too young and how he had bought the VHS for Father’s Day last year. Eris watched him as he spoke, fascinated with the way his eyes lit up and the passion in his voice.
He paused, cleared his throat, and winced. “Sorry, I was probably boring you. I’m sure the movie is going to be great.”
Humans are so odd. She cocked her head to the side. “Why would something that excites you bore me?”
His eyebrows drew together, but he laughed, his hand scratching the back of his neck. “You know, I think this is the most we’ve talked in the year we’ve lived together.”
He stepped up to the admission window, pulling out his wallet. She nudged him with her shoulder.
“I can get this. I did invite you, after all.”
“Consider it a payment for not inviting you first.” The apples of his cheeks flushed a light pink as he paid.
She insisted on treating him to popcorn and a soda in exchange, and they decided to split a bucket. The theater itself smelled of popcorn and musty carpet, and the fabric seats sagged as they took their seats. The air conditioner was colder than she expected, a sharp contrast to the Texas heat outside. Eris shivered in her tank top and jean shorts, and Adam dropped his jacket onto her bare shoulders without a word.
Her arm brushed against his as she slipped the jacket on and she tried to ignore the way the spot tingled. The movie was fun, a little tense at times, but riddled with loudly shouted catchphrases and action scenes that seemed unrealistic. Then again, she didn’t understand humanity very well. Maybe the scenes were based on actual events?
Toward the end of the movie, the buff shirtless guy, after losing many of his friends, attempted to fist-fight the alien, who in turn backhanded him across the swamp and punched him repeatedly in the face. As the buff guy crawled away from the creature, Eris scoffed.
Why do they struggle so hard to survive, she wondered, popping a piece of popcorn into her mouth. What is the point of living through the pain?
Teenagers laughed and bumped into the pair as the crowd left the theater. Adam lost his balance as a particularly aggressive toddler rammed his shins, and Eris’s arm shot out, wrapping around his waist and pulling him against her.
She looked up at him, lost herself a bit in his deep blue eyes.
Just like in the romance novels, she thought. It’s even more disgusting in real life.
He grinned down at her and tucked a stray red curl that had fallen onto her forehead behind her ear.
“Hungry?” he asked, still caught in her arms.
“Hm?”
He laughed and took a step back. Her arms fell to her sides.
“Do you want to grab something to eat?”
She nodded, at a loss for words as he smiled at her like they shared a secret, like she was the only person in the world who understood him. It made her feel something she didn’t have a word for. She searched Alice’s memory. Special. He made her feel special. He grabbed her hand, tugging her out of the theater and to the diner across the street.
Eris had never been to a diner before. She knew what a hamburger was, had seen them in memories and paper advertisements, but in the twenty-one days she had spent on Earth, she had not had the opportunity to try one, or a milkshake, or fries.
The restaurant was small, a handful of red vinyl booths and about ten stools lining a counter. A waitress ushered them into the booth in the corner, and Eris picked up a somewhat sticky, plastic-covered menu. On the cover was a picture of a burger, complete with a bright red tomato, lettuce, thick slices of bacon, and an orange slice of cheese that oozed down the side of the meat.
The waitress pulled a pen from behind her ear and a notebook from her apron. Her eyes were tired, dark circles highlighting bags. Her hair was graying, frizzy, and pulled back into a ponytail. She looked exhausted, but her smile was kind, revealing rows of smile lines. Small orange hearts were drawn in marker along her wrists. She caught Eris looking at them and smiled wider.
“My little girl’s on a drawing kick.” She laughed. “It’s either my arms or my apartment walls. This is the lesser of the evils.”
“How old?” Adam asked with genuine interest.
“Four.” Her eyes shone with affection. “Y’all got any?”
Adam cleared his throat, his cheeks tinting pink, before shaking his head. “I work with them, though. I’m studying to be a pediatric doctor.”
Eris watched the interaction with interest. From what she had seen, both on Earth and in the memories of others, people typically weren’t as kind or chatty with people who served or assisted them. Waitresses, grocery store employees—anyone who stood behind a cashier seemed to be at risk of being accosted.
The waitress nodded. “What can I get y’all?”
Eris gestured toward the menu. “I would like a vanilla milkshake and whatever burger this is, please.”
“I’ll take the same,” Adam said, gathering the menus and passing them to the waitress.
A thin layer of sugar coated the table. Eris’s hands coasted against it, savoring the novel feeling of the grit on her palm. It smelled strongly of pine cleaner, hot oil, and coffee, and she couldn’t get enough of it. There was so much life in this diner, from the bright colors of the restaurant itself to the couple bickering in the next booth to the friends catching up on the bar stools while their children colored on placemats. The underworld was empty of almost all things: food, smells, mindless chatter and laughter. She would soak it all in while she could.
Adam tapped on the back of her hands. “Everything okay?”
“I love it here,” slipped from her mouth.
Adam gave her a funny look, cocking his head to the side as he took in the gum under the counter, the way the vinyl of the booth seats was torn in a few spots, and the smudges along the windows.
The waitress dropped off their food, and Eris dug in. After their plates were empty, Adam paid for the meals, leaving behind a hefty tip. They made easy conversation on the way home, Eris talking about a book she was hoping to finish tonight and Adam recommending a science fiction book he planned on returning to the library the next day.
Back at the apartment, Eris planned on retreating to Astrid’s room for the night, giving Adam a quiet “night” as she turned to the hallway leading to the room.
“Hey, Astrid?” Adam grabbed her elbow and she turned to him, eyebrows raised. He ran a hand through his hair before rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had so much fun. Thank you.”
Overcome with a feeling she couldn’t quite explain, she threw her arms around his waist, tugging him into a warm hug. He stiffened for a second, then wrapped his hands around her shoulders, one hand creeping up to cradle her head. She took a deep breath, memorizing the feeling, then took a step back. He smiled down at her, and she felt warmth well in her eyes.
Spinning around, she jogged to her room, embarrassed at the tear that had managed to make its way down her cheek. The shower down the hall turned on and Eris sighed, flopping herself face-first onto the bed.
She had never known what loneliness was until it was no longer.
The underworld….the underworld was loneliness and responsibility and darkness all wrapped around a throne she had inherited from a corpse.
But Adam? He was companionship and kindness and light. A light that would be tainted by the stench of the dead, a mephitis that sank into her very creation.
Maybe, as Astrid, it would be okay. Maybe if she were hidden in the body of another, he wouldn’t be affected by it. Maybe she could soak it all in today, let herself relish in his presence just a little longer.
Nodding at Astrid’s reflection in the mirror, Eris changed into her pajamas, grabbed the book she had intended to finish and a white fluffy blanket from the closet, and slipped back into the living room. She would settle for even one more glimpse of Adam. She nestled into the couch, pulling the blanket tight around her shoulders and started to read.
A chapter later, the bathroom door opened. Eris blinked, so absorbed in her book that she hadn’t even heard the shower water turn off. Adam stepped out wearing plaid pajama pants and a cotton shirt. He toweled off his hair as he headed for his room. He didn’t notice Eris on the couch at first, lost somewhere in his thoughts. She shifted on the couch, offering him a sheepish smile as he stumbled, tripping over his own feet in surprise.
He caught himself, smiled back, and headed toward his room. She sagged against the couch as he left, her shoulders drooping and lips pressing together to form a bitter smile. Kicking her feet up on the couch, she shook her head, trying to shake herself from the disappointment.
Just one more look, she thought yet again, promising herself that all she needed was another glance, a chance to say goodbye without words, even if he would never know it was goodbye.
She tried to lose herself in the book, eventually succeeding as she flipped through two more chapters. Adam’s door opened. Her head shot up so fast she swore she heard a cracking noise.
He brightened as he stepped out and saw her still on the couch, his eyes lighting up and a little pep in his step as he walked into the living room. A textbook dangled from his hands, a medical one with words written on the cover that Eris couldn’t even pretend to understand.
“Mind if I join you?” he asked, holding up the book.
She shook her head no, her heart racing in her chest, and he set it on the couch cushion beside her before turning and heading to the kitchen. She was hyper-aware of his every action, even as she forced herself to keep her attention on the page she had reread five times. The fridge opened, then closed. A cabinet was opened next, followed by the microwave, and the electric kettle was flipped on. She could hear it all from the couch, tracing him as he moved through the kitchen, grabbing things from pantries and placing other things back in the fridge.
He returned a few minutes later with two cups of tea and a plate of rewarmed brownies. Passing a cup to Eris, he placed the plate on the coffee table and lifted her outstretched legs with one hand.
“Ah, sorry,” she said, trying to move her legs back to her side of the couch.
His grip on her calves tightened and he shook his head. “Not a problem at all.”
He plopped down on the couch, resting her legs on his lap and popping a brownie into his mouth. Resting his cup of tea on the table beside him, he readjusted her blanket so it covered her legs and set his textbook on top.
Eris stared at him with wide eyes for a beat too long, and he turned to her, eyebrows raised. She lifted the book back to her eyes, hoping to hide her blush behind it. Judging by the way his body shook with silent laughter, she had done a poor job. The living room was suddenly much warmer than it had been, and she pulled at the collar of her t-shirt.
She wasn’t sure she could get back to focusing on the book, not with the way Adam’s clothed thighs sat beneath her bare legs or the way he would glance at her whenever he thought she was reading, but she eventually did, losing herself in the words of the fictional romance. She had almost finished the story when a gentle snore caught her attention.
Adam was fast asleep, his head tilted back against the couch, hair flopping into his face, and lips slightly parted.
A day a year had always seemed fair. She never hurt Astrid, always followed her schedule, never impacted her life in a meaningful way. It had been enough, this small escape from the underworld, from the responsibilities she had been thrust into. And though she remember Astrid’s confusion at the missing day, by then it was always a year in the past.
She watched as Adam’s chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm beside her, felt the warmth of his lap beneath her, and smelled the brownies he had baked earlier as they lingered in the air. Eris, goddess of the underworld, swayed by a man she had only known a day. How pathetic. But maybe it wasn’t about him. Maybe it was more the life he brought into her.
The clock on the wall chimed, signaling midnight and the end of her as Astrid.
For the first time, Eris wanted more.
