Space
Stillness
I am
as still
as the vast
emptiness
that was
space
before
movement.
In the
stillness,
the darkness,
the emptiness,
much is born
in the mind,
there are many
movements unseen;
thus began
my journey
into light.
I came
from
stillness
darkness
emptiness.
Even on dark days...
On the gloomiest days -
and you will just have to
believe me on this -
on the gloomiest days
there are still
infinite reasons
to feel grateful
even if they’re
stupid reasons
like
the smell of coffee
the way your dog sings
the feeling of sunshine
on your bare skin
light only comes in
if you let it
just know
it is always there
even on
the gloomiest days
Feblueary
Dark days outside
reflected inside
I am
as dark as
the world I see
through my windows
Dark days
long nights
losing sight
of why I
should fight
can’t make
my mind right
I want to stay
deep inside
this warm
cozy bed
it is the only place
that feels safe
on days when
I only feel
the dark side
of myself
I never knew how much
courage it takes to
quietly endure unyielding pain
putting on a brave face
just to face the day
takes a lifetime worth of strength
I have become unraveled
having to pretend
I am not falling apart
hopeless and defeated
it is exhausting
to repeat and repeat and repeat
to every person I see
why I am not
my usual happy, positive self
so I pretend to be fine
and I smile when it hurts
and I laugh so I don’t cry
and all the while
I am trying not to
completely fall apart
and all the while
I keep my pain
dressed up nicely
it’s easier than telling my story
I crave the darkness so strongly
each drop of light that pierces my skin
sends me further down the rabbit hole
of my infinite soul
I want to consume the light
until my soul becomes a stone
heavy and burdened under the weight
of my own existence
isn’t that what complete obscurity teaches us?
To be afraid of the light?
It teaches us to embrace the inevitable
heaviness that pulls us tight
I will happily dive deeper
into this rabbit hole of dark insanity
most of us play it safe
seeing only in the light of day
treading only into the patches of sunshine
stitched between rows of dark clouds
not knowing that we are missing
exactly half of life
play in the light all you want
you are only increasing the hold
the darkness has on you
There is a wiggle in my mind
that comes out through my feet
mom always thought I just
loved to dance, not realizing
I was freeing my mind from
the nonstop jitterbug
the eternal foxtrot of thoughts
that parade on repeat
back and forth ceaselessly
across the stage of my mind
There is a fizzle in my mind
that comes out through my fingers
dad always thought I just
loved to write, not realizing
I was releasing my mind from
an endless script
an infinite monologue
about nothing
that scrolls and scribes relentlessly
across the pages of my mind
Believing
is a dangerously potent
medicine
just ask those
who don’t
Choose to believe in something
I tried it
not caring
pretending to be okay
giving up
I tried it
not trying
not taking care
not looking for joy
I did it for a long time
I tried being miserable
I wore it like a new skin
maybe that is why
I was always itchy
maybe part of me always knew
there was more out there for me
than misery and suffering
and if I used my power
of choosing
I could choose
to try hard
to show up
to care
to look for joy
and maybe eventually
I would see that whatever
I look for is what I see
and maybe eventually
I will learn to only look for
the good parts
to only see the progress
and ignore
the journey yet to come
maybe eventually
I will come to see
I am worthy of
the most attention
the finest care
the gentlest touch
and I will let go of
not feeling like enough
I know what you want to hear from me
I will save you the time and tell you now
I am not the little girl you knew
I am not who you want me to be
somewhere along the way I got hurt
and broken in ways I could not explain
the hurt piled up into dark messy spaces
that I always worried you would unearth
so I distanced myself
changed everything but my name
part of me hoped that when I left home
home would leave me alone
I was wrong, so so naïvely wrong
me being further away
just made you want to be closer
the umbilical cord trying to hang on
I know what you want to hear from me
you won’t
I cannot love you the way you need me to
but I need you to keep loving me
I know love is a two way street
my heart cannot beat strongly enough
for all of us so I chose me
me loving me more means loving you less
no it is not fair after all you have built
after the nest you kept for all those years
how dare I not be able to offer you the same
loving attention and affection, a connection?
I put up walls against those who attempted
to see me for my real self
taking my shame off the shelf and wearing it
trying to hide as someone else
it is inconceivable
this notion of being a death potion
for your parents' love and attention
they can fix anything with love
and I can’t even
show them I care
Rent Overdue
Distracted
by obsessive thoughts
misunderstanding
my own mind
it is exhausting to feel
like I am overdue on rent
in my own body, not big enough
for the space I am occupying
these arms are
too thin and
cannot hold the weight
of a life I have outgrown
Follow those trains of thought
those times that your intuition
is playing peek-a-boo
with your consciousness;
you never know where
you might meet yourself
While you are busy worrying
what they are thinking
about you,
they are busy worrying
what you are thinking
about them
stop the madness
and let yourself think
about something worth
thinking about
the mind is the place
after all, you see,
where journeys begin
without leaving your seat
it can be used to create
the most magical ways
of seeing doing making
and yet for many days
you have been fretting,
forgetting your power
lies in your mind
you are wasting time
take back control
tell her who’s boss
own that mind of yours
all hope ain’t lost
How to Get What you Want
Practice loving yourself in moments of loneliness
practice saying I am brave in moments of fear
practice showing up in moments of anger
practice the art of practicing
nothing
not one thing
in life
comes without
practice
talk all you want
about what you want
if you do not practice
having it
you will never have it
After all,
rock bottom is not
the worst place
you could find yourself
at least you know
it is as bad as
it can possibly get
now you can look
forward to
climbing out.
No matter how much
you get hurt
there is something valuable
to be learned from
the journey.
Appreciate how
awful it feels
to be at your worst
that way next time,
you will not be surprised.
“I am doing my best”
repeat daily as needed
to yourself until
you start to believe it
Why Does it Matter What I Think?
Let’s talk thoughts. Many people have said it many ways and let me be one more, you are what you think. Whatever you are constantly telling yourself becomes true. Your truth is different from my truth is different from her truth is different from their truth because what we tell ourselves becomes the truth. If I constantly tell myself, “I am ugly. I am not pretty. I am not beautiful.” that becomes my truth, my reality. Someone else, anyone else, may see me and think, “She is not ugly, she is pretty. She is beautiful.” and that is their truth, their reality. Whatever you are thinking about, whatever you are telling yourself (which are really the same thing) is true. Choose wisely the words you repeat to yourself. Choose wisely the patterns you are creating in your mind. This is the only thing you have control over in your entire lifetime, your whole existence. Everything comes down to your ability to realize you have control over your mind, and when you control your mind you control your life. It sounds silly because of how simple it is. Practice telling yourself loving thoughts, practice talking to yourself how you want to be spoken to. Practice being the person you most admire and soon enough you will admire yourself. Practice believing you have the power to be in control of your mind. Sure, if you would prefer, you can let your mind do all of the controlling. See how that works out for you, let me know. I can make a pretty solid guess that you will never regain control. Once you've admitted defeat, once you've waved the white flag of retreat, once you've given up the driver’s seat, you've already written your last heartbeat.