Changing the World One Pronoun at a Time
Pronouns are small words with big implications
and impact when it comes to gender
identity/expression. It can take some time, effort
and compassionate patience to refer to
someone you know with different pronouns,
but it’s important to do so. Why? Because respectful
pronoun use is one of the most powerful
and simple ways to start creating welcoming
and inclusive environments for our
colleagues, co-workers, students, communities,
clients, customers, patients, friends and
family members.
Establishing and using a common vocabulary
and culture is an important part of creating this
kind of respect, diversity and inclusiveness
that we should all aspire to create. So before
we get into the details of pronouns, here’s a
handy list of actions professional organizations,
businesses, educators, families and indi-
viduals can take to create welcoming environments
for all people:
Do your own homework as a first step rather
than asking a coworker to educate you. Many
questions can be googled and answers
found. It’s okay to ask questions; just make the
effort of learning for yourself first. A good start
is this resource guide from the Human Rights
Campaign: http://bit.ly/HRCResourceGuide.
Being respectful and being an ally means
using the pronouns people ask you to use.
If you make a mistake correct yourself. Using
“they” may feel uncomfortable in the singular.
However, it is now considered grammatically
correct. The Merriam Webster Dictionary has
recognized “they” as singular, and as a sign of
the times, they named it as their Word of the
Year for 2019. You’ll find some easy online
tools and examples for using “they” this way
later in this section.
Wherever you use names, include pronouns.
Name tags, business cards, social media
profile pages, email signatures, intake
forms, introductions at meetings… include
your pronouns. Here are my examples:
Outlook Email Signature (Image in book)
LinkedIn Personal Profile (image in book)
Twitter Home Page (image in book)
All about pronouns
Now let’s get to the practical heart of the matter:
How to use gender-neutral/gender-inclusive
pronouns.
Respecting someone’s pronouns isn't optional
if you want to be respectful of one’s humanity.
Transgender, nonbinary, genderfluid, genderexpansive,
genderqueer and gender non-conforming
people regularly have to fight to be
seen as the gender they are, so respecting a
person’s pronouns is one simple way you can
be an ally. We need to trust that people will
use the pronouns that feel right for them without
judging or questioning their selection.
And guess what? Those pronouns may be fluid
and change again as people navigate their
way into their true identities in a culture where
even being able to do so is new and still
loaded with challenges.
So what are pronouns?
A personal pronoun is a short word we use as
a simple substitute for the proper name of a
person. Each of the English personal pronouns
shows us the grammatical person, gender,
number and case of the noun it replaces. I,
you, she, it, we, they, me, him, her, us and
them are all personal pronouns (Source:
www.grammerly.com).
Some people prefer “neopronouns”, which
are less common pronouns. The gender-neutral
pronouns, “ze/hir/hirs” (pronounced “zee/
here/heres”), or “ey/em/eirs” (pronounced “ay/
em/airs”), among others, do not imply male or
female gender.
According to wikia.org, neopronouns are any
set of third-person pronouns that are not officially
recognized in a language. For English,
this means any pronouns that are not he/him/
his, she/her/hers or they/them/their. In English,
people are usually called by a pronoun that
implies their gender.
But currently, the most frequently used gender-
neutral pronouns are a singular version
“they/them/their”. “They/them” is widely used
by people like myself who do not identify with
“she/her” or “he/him” pronouns. These pronouns
are becoming increasingly accepted
into mainstream culture. The main misconception
surrounding “they/them” is that these
pronouns grammatically incorrect when used
in the singular because they’re plural pronouns.
However, we already use singular “they” frequently
in daily life. When we don't actually
know who is being referred to or their gender,
we use “they, them, their”. Here are a few examples:
We can apply these pronouns in the same way
when referring to a gender nonbinary or
transgender person by name. For example:
“Shelley taught a workshop today and
brought their new Field Guide to Gender-
Neutral Language with them to share with
the students.”
One of the reasons “they/them/their” is the
most widely used and accepted version of
gender-neutral/gender-inclusive pronouns is
that these pronouns are already familiar to us
“Somebody left their clothes on the
floor. I hope they’ll be back to pick them
up.”
“Did someone forget their coat?”
“I hope whoever dropped their coffee
had it replaced!”
and in common use, making them easier to
apply and adopt compared to some of the
less familiar neopronouns.
“They” as a singular pronoun is an easy choice
for staying gender-neutral if you are not sure
of someone’s gender identity or gender expression.
Why is this important?
Most of us never think about using pronouns.
When we see someone with physical traits of a
woman, we assume that person’s gender is
“woman” and we automatically use the pronouns
“she” or “her”. Same for a person with
physical traits of a man; we use “he” and
“him”. However, for folks like myself that are
transgender or gender nonbinary, using inaccurate
pronouns hurts and can contribute to
creating gender dysphoria.
The Customer-Facing Business Struggle Is
Real!
Here’s a question I get asked A LOT:
“Is there a gender-neutral term to replace sir
or ma’am in English?”
Well, there really isn’t. This can be a real challenge
for servers in restaurants and other retail
business professionals, especially in the
southern United States where the use of “sir”
and “ma’am” is an ingrained cultural indicator
of respect. However, here’s a good alternative
for keeping the flow that is often achieved
through the common use of “sir” or “ma’am”:
Here are some more examples of phrasing for
you that lets you continue to express hospitality
and excellent customer service while being
gender neutral/gender inclusive/gender welcoming:
Instead of “Thank you, sir”, try “Thank
you, my friend” or “Thank you so
much”… replacing the “sir” with a few
more words to keep the natural flow of
how the “thank you” comes out without
making gender assumptions. I don’t
think people will notice you are leaving
out the word “sir” or “ma’am”.
If you are a gender nonbinary or transgender
person or ally, or you’re a service professional
who wants a reference to have on hand to
Instead of “Thanks for your order, sir”,
how about, “Thanks for your order,
folks”?
Rather than “May I take your order,
ma’am?”, try “May I take your order
now?”
“Thanks for dining with us.”
“Are you ready to place your order with
us?”
“Thank you for your business; we appreciate
you!”
“Have a wonderful day, all!”
“Make it a great day, y’all!"
“Glad you stopped in today.”
And, of course, if you know the person’s
name, just substitute that! “Thanks for
your order, Shelley.”
help you really wow your customers, check out
my “Tip Card”: (available as image in book)
After being misgendered so frequently by
well-meaning servers trained in certain traditional
“hospitality-speak” in restaurants (especially
in Texas!) who had no idea that they were
even misgendering me and negatively impacting
my dining experience, I was inspired to
create this simple, handy resource as a simple
way to raise awareness. I leave the Tip Card
with the merchant copy of my bill wherever I
go. I also leave this Tip Card with my doctor’s
offices, Walgreens, and any other customer facing
organization I interact with. You can
download your own copy and customize it for
yourself at shelleyroth.com.
The world is truly changing in ways that are
freeing for all of us, even though the road to
change may be bumpy and calls for compassion,
tolerance and patience among all involved.
One of these positive changes happened in
2018, the first International Pronouns Day was
established - www.pronounsday.org - with this
stated mission: (image in book)
Many online interactive exercises have started
to pop up to help people and organizations
become more pronoun-aware. They can be an
easy, fun, no-pressure way to get comfortable
with greater pronoun flexibility and diversity
and help employees, students, families and
allies get comfortable, too.
Practicewithpronouns.com helps people do just
that with an easy online exercise. Here’s an example
practicing with the singular form of
“they”: (image example in book)
“International Pronouns Day seeks to
make respecting, sharing, and educating
about personal pronouns commonplace.
Referring to people by the pronouns
they determine for themselves is basic
to human dignity. Being referred to by
the wrong pronouns particularly affects
transgender and gender nonconforming
people. Together, we can transform
society to celebrate people’s multiple,
intersecting identities.”
After selecting which pronouns you want to
practice with, you’re given a phrase with
blanks.
After you fill in the blanks, you click the “Check
Answers” button and find out immediately if
you got the pronouns right.
Here’s another online interactive from Minus18
out of Australia (www.minus18.org.au/pronouns-
app/) that includes pronunciations, explanations
and examples of how to use pronouns:
When you tap for an example - we tried the
Reflexive - you get a simple sample phrase:
Pronouns:
Such small words, such big impact
People who care about their loved ones never
intentionally want to hurt them, but it can be
really hard for even very caring people to
suddenly see “their baby” “go away” or to
“suddenly” seem to be someone whose family
feels they no longer know. It can be challenging
on both ends of established and trusted
relationships when a soldier who was perceived
as a brother that always had their field
combat mates’ backs is “suddenly” going by a
female name and living their true gender expression
as a woman. Complicated feelings
can arise on all sides - anger, abandonment,
rejection, guilt, doubt, fear, loss, sadness,
grief…
Challenging our automatic assumptions with
thoughtful pronoun awareness takes some
getting used to, but a little caring and practice
go a long way! And in the end, it feels really
good to respect and support people to be
their authentic selves and support their desire
to express themselves as they truly are.